I finished my last words of my novel last night with my friend Shaawan at a knitting/fibre arts hang out at a pizzaria. It was super fun. I finished at 50,022 words. Not a long novel, but it’s the bare bones stripped down version. I am putting it away until September so I can get some space from it and think about it further. I rushed through all the plot points, but I know there are parts of the novel I want to give more space to so that the emotional resonance of it can hit. Also yesterday I found an error based on the world it’s in and had to delete and revise a small section. It’s got a big long part in a psych ward, and I realized one of the objects in the ward wouldn’t exist within the rules. Anyway I fixed that. But having trouble thinking of what to substitute.

The funny thing is the one part that actually made me a sobbing mess was more about love between two men and realizing I hadn’t had that experience yet. It’s not that I don’t want it, I think I’ve just not been there yet. There is someone I am sweet on right now so maybe it will happen now. But yeah also just writing tenderness between men is a nice practice for me. Kind of like, if I write from that space maybe I can live it out in my life.

It’s weird too because I feel like the love between women thing is a door that is shut to me now since I transitioned and am not living as a woman anymore. I still get invites to women and trans things, but I’m more interested in being around men right now. BUT at the same time I think part of me still is attracted to women and feels romantic feelings towards them. Recently I had a dream about being in love with a woman.

I had a friend who was bisexual and she kept veering from only wanting boyfriends to only wanting girlfriends and she kept breaking up when her attraction would change. So I kind of hope that doesn’t happen with me. I just want to fall in love and stick around with someone (and have hookups maybe outside of that). But I don’t really see a woman agreeing to that type of relationship. A man might. I also kind of think I dated so many women in my life maybe I’m done with that for now.

Anyway I’m learning things about myself and my loving feelings through my writing which is cool.

I’m thinking of trying to write some short stories and getting them published here and there. I don’t know any particular stories I would write yet. I should look at who has calls for submissions. I am basically writing off and on all day every day though, literally. So incorporating short story writing into my regular creative day would fit.

I’m also getting back into scriptwriting. I still have to finish this feature about the trans potash miner, so I’m working on that. I need to go to a potash mine really though. I don’t know who to talk to about arranging a visit. I’m sort of writing in the dark right now, I watched some videos where people tour potash mines. And interviewed someone who worked in a mine. And have a story editor who has been in a potash mine. BUT YEAH ahhh it also isn’t a low budget film and I think that’s kind of where I need to lean right now, low budget stuff. I have an idea for a low budget script that I want to write, so I’m applying for development on that. We’ll see what happens.