I was disappointed seeing the neurologist. As soon as I mentioned my psych history, I felt like he dismissed me. He did notice I have balance issues but didn’t seem to give a shit about my memory issues. Anyway, I got blood work and I’m supposed to get a spinal MRI to see if he can see why I’m having trouble with balance. But balance is part of the hydrocephalus diagnosis which he isn’t giving me. Plus the urinary issues and memory. Anyway, I am seeing the neurosurgeon in the beginning of October, so I am hoping she can help me out more, or at least give me real information about why I don’t need a shunt if that is true.

I saw my family doctor today about this physical sensation I’ve been getting and I was having such a hard time explaining it to her. I said it felt like the beginning of a panic attack, like when your stomach drops, but it only lasts a second. But sometimes it happens over and over and that I notice it happening more frequently when I am on social media seeing all the transphobic fascist stuff. I mean, those social media sites are really banking on making people unregulated and upset. It’s not the friendly chat with buddies it used to be. I was getting Libs of TikTok stuff pushed into my feed and she’s an awful piece of shit. So anyway, the doctor is checking if there’s any heart stuff going on so I got bloodwork again and an ECG. She’s also ordered a halter monitor so we can try to see what the ECG is doing when I get these stomach drops. And she told me to detox from social media. I was like okay I’ll stay off it for a week. And she was like, no! Stay off it for at least two to three weeks and then we will check in again.

So I am off social media until the beginning of October. Which works for me anyway because I have work to do and not being distracted will help me power through it. I’m happy about that at least. And it is something I’ve noticed, that being off social media helps with not getting in this quasi panic attack state. I mean they are just propaganda machines. I know I’ve been spending too much time in those spaces and it’s wasted so many hours when I could be doing something more meaningful. Even just reading books. Even just watching a movie instead. Or playing music, or writing. Or editing. I have so many better things to do. So far my social media detox encompasses Facebook, Instagram, and Bluesky. I’m on Reddit but it doesn’t seem to be acting the same way, I am much more regulated reading the subreddits I follow there.

It’s annoying how much of our world view is being curated by tech bro billionaires. I don’t trust them enough to use their AI, why do I trust them to use their products at all? I still have Facebook messenger. I’m not deactivating my accounts, I’m just not going on.

SO yeah some up and down stuff. I’m not fully satisfied with my brain, I still think I have hydrocephalus and not just bipolar disorder. But I am glad my family doctor gave me some concrete steps to address my anxiety. She said it comes from seeing stuff that doesn’t align with my moral compass. So yeah, Facebook just got too fascist, despite the friends I follow, so I’m not there for now. But I’ll still be posting here.