I am back from Amsterdam! I can sleep in tomorrow which is nice, today I had therapy. I had a crazy wild time in Amsterdam. No drinking though, although I admit I was SO FUCKING TEMPTED to drink. It’s a party town for sure, and I was in a very central area near the red light district and the gay neighbourhood. There was a really good cannabis cafe nearby, but everyone who went there seemed to be a tourist. And although I like that you can smoke on the premises, I think the Canadian cannabis situation is better. For a few reasons but mostly that it’s more legal in Canada and only decriminalized in Amsterdam. Anyway, that and sex was the only super debauched stuff I did there. But like I said, no drinking, so I think it went well. I went to a tulip farm which was super wholesome and a tulip garden and on a windmill tour. Just cute touristy Dutch stuff. I did rent a guitar for three days I was there. I was busy the other days and also they weren’t open on the weekend, so it was the only time I had with it. It was nice to play a different guitar, although it was different than mine and awkward to learn off the bat. I also just need a lot more practice.

I had some good hookups and one totally fucking wild nsfw adventure in the gay sauna. I probably shouldn’t write about it here. But it was super fun. I was also being good about taking my PrEP and DOXY-PEP.

I feel really fortunate to have a good GP. She’s been so supportive of my decisions around my body, gender, and sexuality. She’s never been judgey about it. I haven’t always been so lucky.

I also went to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam which was good. Intense. But wow I remember reading her diary in elementary school and to be in the rooms where all of that happened was incredible. And sad. I thought a lot about all the stories she never got to write. I even got to see the original diaries, which were amazing. I wonder how many other stories we need to hear and never did.

I also went to Mr. B and got a leather hat and a new soft suede flogger, and then went back and got a leather vest. When I was trying to see if he had my size in these vests he lifted one up and was like “We have this in your size” and it was a big black and red vest with the word FIST on the back in red. And I was like “Uhhhh.” And he was like “Don’t like the message?” Ha ha ha omg like that is a fun activity but I don’t want to base my life around it. Anyway I got a cute black vest with a red stripe down the sides. So that makes me happy. I wanted a vest I could wear out and about and not only at fetish/leather events. A multipurpose leather item. Anyway it’s coming out of my cows and plows money so that’s like, my one silly series of purchases.

I didn’t get my travel grant for my trip, so I’m paying for it with cows and plows. Which is fine but annoying because I would have applied to the ISO but they closed travel grant applications just for the time before my trip and then when it opened again I wasn’t eligible anymore because I was on the trip. Ahhh so frustrating. But whatever, it was also my birthday vacation, and the festival did give me some nights in the hotel and money towards travel.

ANYWAY WHAT ELSE?

Ahh I dunno. Traveling was good for me. I felt all these creative ideas coming to me, and having sexual adventures in Amsterdam was good for me too. I found the men out there were better with t dick than the ones in Toronto. Toronto feels very PIV City, which is not the best. I like a bunch of things! I think I just need to keep circulating. I also want to explore more t4t encounters with various types of t folks. But also I’m just in a very open stage right now in my life and exploring but I think also available for serious things. I always end up acting like this where I’m like “Slutty adventures are amazing…BUT the right person could date me too!” It’s kind of silly. I do want love though, I guess I just feel like I want all of it and I don’t know, maybe people just think I’m a greedy bisexual or something. But also maybe one person could satisfy me, I’ve never had someone focused on me like that before. Who knows.

I know I want love though, like I could romantically devote myself to one person. And maybe have fun elsewhere if it’s ok with both of us. But maybe not I don’t know. I’m not really monogamous or polyamorous, I’m more ambiamorous. I could be either. Sometimes I feel more monogamous than other times.

I think I’m ending up with more crushes though, or maybe it’s springtime and people look cute.

I learned a lot about myself on this trip.

When I came home I tried my traveler guitar. It’s an acoustic electric, so if you change the settings on the amp it can either sound like an acoustic guitar or like an electric guitar. It’s fascinating. I was all into my Martin D10E, but this guy has such a cool sound when it’s more electric. And I know just enough guitar stuff that I could apply it to that one and make some interesting noises. It’s just a guitar for practicing on the road though. But I do think maybe I should also get a real electric guitar at some point. I mean, it’s a real guitar. But maybe a Stratocaster could be fun.

I still feel shy about playing in front of people, and I probably won’t do a recital until the winter. But I do feel like it’s been nine months since I got my first guitar and started learning and that’s finally opened me up to playing with music. That was such a barrier in me for so long. But I know it’s similar to filmmaking which is why I wanted to learn it. I feel very playful and curious about sounds and feelings right now. And desire and knowledge.

I wonder if I should name my guitars. I don’t just want to call them The Martin and the Traveler guitar. I also was never someone who named my stuffed animals as a kid though, so maybe I just don’t name objects like that. I never had a pet name for my genitals or breasts either. I don’t understand it. Todd and Posey have names though, but it’s so they know who I am talking to and also they are living sentient beings.

I wish I had a bigger apartment, with a studio for editing and music. I do all my creative stuff in my living room. It’s fine but man, more space would be amazing.

I’ve been at this hotel in Osnabrück eating so much meat every morning for breakfast. I was here for the European Media Art Festival which has just wrapped up today. Today I spent four hours doing laundry. It was kind of insane. The washer was fine except it took twice as long as my washer takes back home. ANd then the dryer kept lying to me about how much more time it was going to take to dry my clothes. I went in and it said 20 minutes left, so 20 minutes I came back and it said 15 minutes left, so 15 minutes later I came back and it said 37 minutes left. So I opened the dryer to see how dry it was and then it went back to 1hr 8 minutes. ARGH! Finally I just pulled my stuff out even though the socks were still a bit damp. It’s fine. I think it was two loads of laundry I was trying to do as one load. Oops!

The festival was really good! I was hanging out with Adam Khalil and Walter Scott and Sylvia Schedelbauer and a bunch of other folks. It was also my birthday so they took me out for Indian food. It was really good! I also had currywurst for lunch which was not bad. Currywurst can be hit or miss sometimes. Usually miss but I guess it depends where you go. I also went with Walter to this dismal German restaurant where I got meat I assume was boar, on top of the most disgusting goulash I’ve ever had. With sad previously frozen broccoli. Walter had a very sad salad with wet turkey chunks. I stayed an extra night, most people left today. I’m going to Amsterdam in the morning and I guess didn’t feel like leaving early.

I was trying to get my travel guitar before I left Toronto, but they shipped it the day I flew here and it arrived in Toronto shortly after. So it’s at home. I found a place to rent a Martin DM to use in Amsterdam for a few days to do some practicing. I need to get cash to give to the dude so I can put a deposit down etc. I was going to rent a real high end Martin just to see what it’s like, but it was gonna have like, a 3500 dollar deposit and that’s just kinda wild for me, so no. Plus I am just practicing. I brought my music sheets with me, so I’m excited. Also picks! I’m ready! I pick it up on Wednesday. Tuesday I’m at a tulip farm all day, so I wasn’t going to have time to go to the rental place. I had a ghost tour booked and the people cancelled it, so I booked a different ghost tour on the same evening with someone else. I kind of love ghost tours because you learn all kinds of history when you go. I’ve done ghost tours in Paris, London, New Orleans, Vienna. I think other places too but I don’t remember them all. Surprisingly I’ve never done a Toronto ghost tour, which is a real oversight considering that’s my hometown now.

I saw some great films at this festival. Adam did a program of work about Germans who pretend to be Indians and it had a very awkward Q&A with someone who was trying to defend Karl May and it got tense omg. Hitler was a big fan of Karl May but this audience member was trying to say Karl May opened up people’s minds. Except for Hitler obviously!

Omg anyway…

I had a hard time staying up late, kept going home to the hotel to crash around 10 or 11. Last night I stayed out until midnight and then had to tap out. I do tend to travel a lot with my work, so to me home is just where ever my suitcase is. I mean I do have a home, my pups are back there with the sitter having a good time. I miss their little faces! Not their barking though. Todd loves to bark.

I turned 47 yesterday! It was so nice, when I went down for dinner the lady who took my room number said “It’s your birthday! Happy birthday!” And then she came by with a chocolate cupcake with a candle in it. So sweet! And then I had my screening that morning. It went really well, people had a good response to it. And then the festival people gave me a carrot cupcake with three candles in it. So sweet! And a flower. And then my friends took me to dinner and the Indian restaurant gave me TWO pieces of cheesecake AND gulub jamun which I love. But by then I was SO STUFFED I could only eat one little gulub jamun. Aww I had to tap out.

Today has been relatively low key. I went to go see the award winning film this morning, and then was doing laundry, and then just vegged out in my hotel room. Socializing really takes it out of me so it was kind of nice to recharge myself with some quiet time. I normally spend most of my week in Toronto being alone at home with the dogs. I guess I am reclusive? I don’t know, the pandemic turned me into a mega homebody.

I’m doing well otherwise. I have enough to survive right now. My last payment from Western is coming this week, which will be great. I should hear about my travel grant soon. I submitted the big grant on time, so I will hear back in October. I’ve got to figure out some more income this summer though and early fall. I might need to find some workshop gigs or something. I was worried I didn’t get paid a fee, but today I checked my PayPal and the fee was in there, so that was helpful. I also still got to do some pre-production stuff for my short film, including finding a pop-ish musician who will let me use their song. I can pay $1000 but I want to find a really good song. I sent an email to this one band to ask a while ago, but at that point I didn’t have the grant and now I do. So I may send them an email again.

I got annoyed this afternoon but I let it go. It was probably left over annoyance from the long wait to get my laundry done. I’m so glad I didn’t wait until tonight though, because I would have been really grumpy staying up so late trying to dry my clothes.

I had a great time at this festival. Over 3500 submissions came and they only chose 31 for their International Selection, including Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees. So that was really good to hear. So competitive! I’ve been trying to figure out where its audience is. It keeps getting rejected from festivals in the United States, to the point that I am considering stopping submitting to American festivals. It’s just a waste of money really. It showed in a Union Docs membership screening, but that’s all that it’s done in the States. Someone here told me it was a lifesaving film though, so it’s kind of sad American audiences aren’t going to see it. Unless I made it available for anyone on my Vimeo though, but then that screws up my festival tour because they don’t like showing stuff that is already online.

I am showing it at a few places in Toronto which is good. So at least it has hometown support! And it did have a world premiere at Melbourne Queer Film Festival which was nice, although I couldn’t be there because of work.

Now that my teaching gigs are over I can travel again, which is exciting for me. It would be nice to show somewhere else I can travel to.

I’m excited for Amsterdam tomorrow. I’m doing a bunch of touristy stuff. And museums etc. The gay sauna has a queer night where anyone can go, so I might check that out. I’m going on a boat cruise where you can smoke weed. Tulip farm, but tomorrow I need to go get some snacks for my lunch because I don’t think they feed you. I have a ghost tour booked too which will be fun. And going to the Anne Frank House which will be good but sad.

I got two ideas for creative projects while on my trip. One is a video based performance I need to do in June in Regina. And another is a novel I want to write. I was actually on the train from Amsterdam to Osnabrück when it came to me, just this idea that seemed to come from the ether and talks about a lot of things I have been thinking about about genocide and memory. I guess it could be a film, but to be honest the feature I’ve been working on has taken so long to come together and it has been so hard to convince people to give me money for production, that I feel like it would be easier to write a novel where I don’t need to raise millions of dollars. I don’t want to wait for a bunch of people to give me permission to make it. And this way I can just write it, and I’m constantly writing anyway. I could peck away at it. I sat down in a break on my birthday and wrote just over two pages of an outline for it. I think it’s an idea people will steal though, so I am super careful about who I talk to about it. I might just talk to my therapist about it honestly until it’s more advanced.

I also do still have to finish my feature script. I’ve been reconceptualizing part of it and it’s been tricky. I am changing some big things but I think it will make the story more logical. It does abandon one thing I thought was a really important part, but the story doesn’t support that part anymore.

Anyway, I am feeling grateful about spending time with filmmakers and working through concepts and also just being exposed to other films and seeing ways other filmmakers have told their stories.

LONG ENTRY! I will probably not write again until after I’m back home from Amsterdam. Unless something interesting happens? Or when I get spare time? Who knows.

The election is tomorrow. I hope we get a humane government and not the cruelty of the Conservatives.

I voted on the first day of Advance Polls. I do want the Liberals to win. HOWEVER I did not vote for the Liberals, I am in a fairly safe riding for Liberals to win and ultimately I felt the NDP Candidate was more aligned with my values. Also I sent her a message to find out her position on trans rights and got this amazing email back about how she provides gender affirming care in her family medicine practice, and that she believes the rising anti-trans sentiment to be foreign interference from American hate groups. Which I believe too! Anyway, she had my vote, even though I want the Liberals to get in.

I know it’s a super important election. NDP are not going to form government and will probably lose seats. And they are also an imperfect party, who have had positions I don’t agree with. And Mark Carney probably is the best one to lead us right now. But also the NDP supporting a Liberal minority government did get us some gains in Pharmacare and Dental Care. So I’m a bit hesitant about how a Liberal Majority government might not bother respecting the NDP and Bloc voters who have switch their votes this go around. I guess we will find out!

But please vote for the candidate best positioned to block a Conservative in your riding.

It’s been wild watching the disinformation on Facebook. Conservatives trying to manipulate Indigenous voters into voting against the Liberals do piss me off. The lies are off the chart.

ALSO THOUGH I’m kind of pissed that the party platforms didn’t come out until super recently, after people already started voting at Advance Polls. I think those platforms should be up before people vote.

I’m also aware a lot is at stake for me this election, considering the rise of fascism.

The advance polls had a two hour long wait to vote. Which is long BUT ALSO kind of amazing because it means people both know who they are voting for AND some who might not otherwise vote are coming out. So I hope we make a good choice.

I didn’t get super involved in campaigning this election because I was undecided for a long time. I was going to vote Liberal and changed my mind. But it was a lot of waffling back and forth. I just wish Carney had been more upfront about supporting trans rights, and Palestine. Like those were TWO big issues I was concerned about and I know the NDP candidate was more aligned with me on those two issues. I know the risk of voting against the Liberals because of Palestine could cause the same thing here as in the States when people didn’t vote for Harris. But if it was more of a close race between Conservatives and Liberals in this riding I would have voted Liberal. Ahh ha ha someone is gonna get mad at me for not voting Liberal though. I know the assignment I just am making a decision based on my immediate riding.

I’m doing well otherwise. The marks for my class went in last week and so I am not a prof anymore. I’m just a regular dude. I am still taking guitar lessons, so I guess I am just a student right now.

I have decided to take lessons next year too. I’m advancing really well and progressing and I know my main issue has been not getting enough practice in. But the last guitar lesson I had he said I was doing some things that separate the pros from the average guitarist, which was cool to hear. My guitar teacher trained at Berklee so he knows a lot of stuff! It’s really nice. My last class he showed me how to make my strumming quieter or louder by how hard I hold the pick. I’m finally at a place where I know enough to ask the right questions about how to improve. I need to improve my tempo, I honestly need to be using the metronome more. I am hoping this summer I can be as creative as I want and practice my guitar a lot and write a lot. I know admin stuff always happens. But also this longterm project is ending in May so THAT will be off of my plate.

Today I finished writing a smutty/critical theory article. I’m not sure who its fans will be. But I hope it finds its audience. I think it’s a pretty sexy article, it’s filled with gay trans sex, and “straight” romantic longing, with a ton of queer lovers and potential lovers of various genders. It’s probably the most bisexual writing I’ve done ha ha. I mean except for my diary which is very bi. I feel like an old man using bisexual when probably pansexual is more related to what my sexuality is. I like a broad spectrum of genders. From super femme women all the way to big burly bearded bears. And various genders in between and beyond that.

I am also nearly done my grant! I just need one email back confirming participation and then I can submit it. The budget got updated, and I have to redo the letters of confirmation and make them into one big PDF and then check a box agreeing with something and hit submit. And then my grant is IN and I don’t have to think about it until October when results come out. So I am happy about that.

My travel grant got moved to results pending. So hopefully I find out soon. I’ve found out about travel grants generally while I am on the trip I need them to pay for, and it’s not always good news! So yeah we’ll see how that goes.

Tomorrow I get on a plane to Amsterdam! SO SOON! I get on a train on Tuesday in Amsterdam to Osnabrück. And then I get to my hotel and just crash and sleep in! Except I think there’s breakfast in the morning. And German hotels usually do a decent breakfast. All the meats!

This is the current state of my video game Repatriate Me. I added a losing screen, and I added a restart/quit screen, and basically it’s a “finished” game except not really, it just works as a game app now. But I want to make the basement longer and add more enemies. And a few more ways to move, and I also have to change the code for his health system because he gets secret health points that don’t reflect properly. Confusing but anyway! It needs work but it’s ready for my show at the Art Lab Gallery at Western University, so we are installing it, it’s going to be playable on a computer in there. Also to be honest if anyone wants to try it I could send them a link to what it is now. Although it’s not exciting yet. It needs more! And it’s only one of four levels.

I’ve been in London doing install since yesterday. I’ve also been doing work in my studio and that’s been nice because I don’t get to be in a workspace like that at home. I like working from home, but I do find at artist residencies where I have a studio to go even just once a week has really increased my ability to get work done. It helped with Carmilla The Lonely for sure. I had two residencies where I worked on that. Vienna and Hamilton.

I’m having a good time in my life. In less than a week I’ll be flying to Amsterdam to take the train to Osnabrück. And go to a big festival and see lots of art. It’s weird because I’ve been traveling between Toronto and London (Ontario) since last August like, every week almost. But not a fun trip far far away. And now I’m finally getting to go somewhere outside of Ontario and I’m so excited. Outside of Canada! That’s amazing too. And NOT the States.

I was just thinking about the last time I was in the States. I was in New York. I kissed a sexy dude in Brooklyn who had an amazing moustache. I actually really liked him and still do and I wish I could get to know him better even if it was a friendly way but now I have no idea when I will ever go to the United States again. And I don’t know if he would ever leave the United States because he’s also trans and the border is not great especially for trans Americans returning. Fuck this sucks.

There’s so many other places I wanted to see again down there. I wanted to go to New Orleans again and I don’t know when I ever will. I did get to go into a sad Piggly Wiggly in New Orleans, but I never got to go to Georgia or other Southern states except for running through the Atlanta airport a couple times, and being in the Fort Lauderdale Airport once. California is nice and I wish I could go there again too, except fuck! What the hell?

I knew at some point the American Empire would fall but wow it is a grisly scary downfall that is already hurting a lot of people. I feel for my friends down there. And I kind of have some ideas of possibilities of where this is going, but to be honest I don’t really have an “in” to what is going to happen over the next few years. Like I have some quasi psychic stuff and feelings but I can’t comprehend everything that is going on. And there are always twists and they can be good or bad twists. I do think people need to resist though.

I sometimes feel like a jester, just trying to entertain people until the end. I definitely would have been one of those musicians on the Titanic playing music until the water took me. Like they probably did realize so many people were not going to make it, including themselves, and just wanted to provide a point of beauty at the end. Sometimes I think making art right now is just to share in a community where we see each other and witness what is happening to all of us.

I have been having concerns about the legacy of my media after I die. Digital media is fragile. You can just delete it. Lose access to Dropbox, or a hard drive. I have most of my videos in two distributors, one in the United States (Video Data Bank) and one in Canada (Vtape). But that’s still all concentrated in North America. I’m starting to think about having files in another country, on another continent. I’m thinking of having multiple places around the world with my videos. I mean the great thing about my practice is that I can make as many copies of a video as I want and it doesn’t degrade the image, I could have videos all over.

But also, in the long term I don’t see my videos ever leaving the earth, I think they’ll all be gone when the earth is a dead planet. I don’t see humans ever getting off this planet. Definitely not at this rate and also I don’t think we should leave anyway. I think this is where we belong. Forever is impossible. There’s no way my art will exist for infinity. And I have to be okay with that.

But if I could save it from the fascists, that would be nice.

Really I am starting to think about sending out some files through a torrent service so that people access the videos and they just exist on some rando’s drive. I don’t know if I am that brave but also why not? I wouldn’t name them something misleading though. OMG do you remember Limewire? I still have audio clips on my phone of like, some guy pretending to be Bill Clinton telling me not to pirate songs. I think that was his message? There’s just weird shit you would download back then.

I remember the first song I ever got on Napster was the Popcorn Song.

Anyway, I didn’t get this thing I applied for in the United States, but considering how Trump is treating the arts, and the fact that the project is about transgender people and climate change, I don’t think I would have had good publicity. Or some shit would have happened, some big drama I don’t want to deal with right now. Last year was bad enough! Yeah it does suck. BUT ALSO I was already working on a grant application for this project so I can just continue with it.

I’m close to being done my grant! I just need to wait for some more people to respond to my ad, but the rest of the grant is written. I have confirmation letters from a Director of Photography, a Choreographer, an Editor, and three musicians/bands. So I just have to put together a giant pdf of letters and cvs and links to outside support material (I don’t want to include that in my official support material, but some jurors like being able to see who is getting hired and what they can do). Ahh I should probably put a note in about casting dancers at a later date. Sometimes juries get really fussy and want all the info upfront. But I don’t know who will be living in Toronto at that point and I need to cast local dancers because I priced out how much it would cost to fly three in and put up in a hotel and give per diems for two weeks and it was like, $22,000. Which is a lot! Too much! I’m already flying the DOP and Choreographer in and I also have a ton of travel in year one, so yeah I can’t have far flung dancers too. Unless I also got ANOTHER grant, but nooooooo, I don’t like depending on multiple grant agencies for one project. Although my video game projects usually have a few sources of money. Not tons tho.

Anyway if you saw my ad about my project on my Instagram or Bluesky, there’s way more to say about it, but if you are transgender and have been impacted by climate change (especially if it has caused you to evacuate or move) you can email me at tjcuthand at gmail dot com and I can tell you more.

I’m in my hotel room and getting hungry so I should wrap up this long ADHD ramble.

Protect each other.

This blog is so ridiculous I don’t even know who reads it.

I’ve been laughing to myself over how many cis male artists have gotten in the news for not going to the United States anymore, when I stopped months ago and no one cared. No one cared that a trans artist couldn’t cross the border anymore for safety reasons. For having ID that reflects my gender which the US Border won’t recognize. I guess when even cis male artists can’t go to the United States then it’s a BIG DEAL. Anything cis male artists do is a BIG DEAL. Sigh.

BUT to be honest I decided I wouldn’t cross the border anymore earlier based on some premonitions I was having, which doesn’t make as good of a news story I guess. This trans artist got psychic visions and won’t cross the border anymore! Not as good of a headline, not believable.

I do have some male privilege but it’s weird shit like how men treat me on the street now compared to before. Like being called Brother or Boss by guys instead of Miss I guess. Or what did they call me? I don’t even remember. I think I was already gendered ambiguously so they kind of avoided it for not knowing. But I think I’ll probably still get held back for being a trans dude. It’s not the gold card of life that people assume it is. I am the least able to be stealth in my professional life, especially since my work is about being trans sometimes. So yeah. Ah man, layers of privilege are weird. If I wear a mask sometimes people think I am a white man which is a FUCKING TRIP. Going from being seen as an Indigenous woman to a white man is like, a mind fuck. It’s so weird out there, how people get treated differently.

ANYWAY BLAHHHH.

Maybe I’m just not good at getting press releases out.

I cleaned my house today, like SO MUCH CLEANING. I picked up, I swept, I washed the floor twice and used clean water both times. I did my dishes. I washed the pots and pans and the stove. I took out recycling and put garbage in the garbage can. I really need to clean my fridge, I wanted to go to the gym today but I don’t think it’s happening, so I might actually sit on a chair in front of my fridge and clean the whole thing out. I’m gonna have to soak the jam blobs on the glass, it’s a mess. And some food could get thrown out. But mostly it’s just like, been a long time since it got cleaned and I’m tired of looking at a mess every time I am hungry. I did some work emailing. Some extensions for my class were until midnight tonight, so I’m hoping to get some marking done tonight and tomorrow.

I have been trying not to talk about hookups publicly right now just because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea and think I am emotionally unavailable or only interested in casual encounters. Which is not true, I feel ready for a relationship. But I also like having sex so I have been hooking up with guys still. I haven’t hooked up with new guys in a while tho, so I guess these are friends with benefits considering they are ongoing hookups? Mostly I just know they are NOT going to choke me to death, so I feel ok meeting with them. God what a low bar ha ha ha! That’s not really it tho, they are fun, I don’t want to insult them, they’re fine. But they don’t meet my romantic desires right now.

It’s really weird for me to be able to relate to people sexually without getting romantic feelings involved all the time. Before testosterone I was one of those people who got super attached to people I was having sex with, even if they were the least compatible or interesting people and we’d had the least amount of sex. But it’s different now.

BUT ALSO I was worried maybe I can’t fall in love as a man. Which made me sad. But now I’m realizing it’s not true, it was just me thinking all my connections with people would feel casual. But they don’t all feel like that. I still get excited and nervous about certain people. There’s still reasons I do have a diary and not just this ha ha.

I’m going through a phase where I don’t want to eat anything. It’s so frustrating! Like I still put food in me, but it’s not enough. I wish I had more berries, if I ordered the exact things I like eating it’s fine. Like cheese and charcuterie and berries and yogurt. I have such a specific diet of things that make me happy, but when those things aren’t around I just give up on eating. It’s ridiculous! ALSO I do have cheese and charcuterie in my fridge, so I could eat it. But ugh the thought of eating is not fun. BUT I LOVE FOOD! Maybe it’s because my Vyvanse got upped to 50mg. I want to get back to the gym and if I want to build muscle I have to start eating ridiculous amounts of food again. But I need to have my specific happy foods here to do that I guess.

I sometimes wonder if I am autistic but some professionals I’ve talked to don’t see it. I dunno, I just really click with that idea of having food with bad textures I avoid. Like cartilage, connective tissue, gristle, fat, GROSS ME OUT. I can’t stand it. I wonder if that is the ADHD tho. I’m fine with all the other textures tho. Like some people hate mashed potatoes and I love mashed potatoes. Or some people hate yogurt and I love yogurt. And also sometimes I guess I don’t understand social rules. But also I do, maybe I just find social rules ridiculous which isn’t the same as not understanding them. I don’t flap my hands but I do mutter things all day and sing made up songs.

Maybe that’s just being human. I also like having music on all the time. Like when I have to stay with my Mom and not listen to my tunes, it’s like the colour has left my life. It’s so fucking dramatic the distress I feel and put up with ha ha, just from not being able to listen to music. I am starting to get that distress on days I don’t play my guitar too, which is interesting. It’s probably also why I lean towards cannabis as a drug rather than others, music sounds great on it.

My travel guitar still has not been shipped, I think they order it from the manufacturer so who knows how long it will be to show up.

I have a hotel in Osnabrück now! So my trip is pretty much set at this point. I bought my main tickets for things earlier this last month. And I have a plane ticket and a train ticket. I’m excited to go out of Canada and see the world, or parts of the world. I’m normally traveling a lot but this last year I stuck to Ontario for work reasons.

ANYWAY since I got annoyed by not eating, I started drinking a chocolate milk and ordered some happy groceries. Including stuff that is easy to make. My hookup for today bailed! Which is not uncommon in the hookup world. But I have other things I want to do, like maybe I really will do laundry today.

I did a talk with Wanda Nanibush yesterday for the closing of my show that she curated. It was fun, it’s nice getting asked questions by someone who knows so much about my work, I think she asked really awesome questions. And we got a good crowd, it ended up being on zoom because there was supposed to maybe be freezing rain. But also it got recorded, so hopefully people can see it later. Not everyone was able to get in to see it live.

I’m going to London today for class tomorrow. The last class! They are doing crits and showing us their games, so it should be fun. I didn’t have to come up with a tutorial for the first time, so that was a relief. If I ever teach game design again (which would be nice) I now have a semester’s worth of exercises to teach how to use Unity. I kind of wish I knew another game engine though. And sometimes I think about learning how to do a 3D game but I don’t make 3D assets and I like drawing my ridiculous guys and gals and pink rabbits and hawks ha ha.

ALSO omg, so the festival I am showing Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees at is the European Media Art Festival in Osnabrück Germany. I am flying to Amsterdam to get there, then hopping on a train, then coming back to Amsterdam after and enjoying my life to the max. I’ll be in Osnabrück for my birthday and my film actually screens ON my birthday at 11:00am. So I will get my screening over with early in the day and be able to relax for the rest of the day and enjoy turning a higher number of 40-something ha ha. I’m well into late 40s after this birthday, which to me is cool because I like getting older. Someday I will hate it I guess? My therapist called me a queer elder the other day which is so funny because she is also close in age to me.

Anyway in Amsterdam (have I already told you all this?) I’m going to the Anne Frank house, and to a tulip farm, and on a cannabis cruise through the canals. And I might go to some gay sauna or something I’m not sure. I’m curious to see the Red Light District, but also I’m not sure how I would feel as a man there, especially knowing I would just be a looky loo. I dunno, it is very close to where I’m staying though. I’m also going to do some museums and check out as much as I can. I only ever go to Schiphol so finally getting out of the airport is exciting.

Last night I saw Kylie Minogue! She was amazing! My friend got too tired to go with me so I tried to find someone but it didn’t work out in time. I was thinking of going on Grindr because I know SOMEONE from Grindr would have taken me up on it. BUT ugh people go there because they are horny and I didn’t want some random guy trying to get in my pants while I’m trying to watch a show ha ha. So no Grindr date for Kylie. But it was like, deep faggotry ha ha so fucking fun! So many queer men in the audience.

I was dreading tonight because I’m screening my film at 4:00 and then I am doing the Q&A and then I am going to London at 7:45pm And I was like oh man how am I gonna get food in time? But I checked my ticket and past me was SO NICE to future me and bought me a business class ticket going both ways. So I will get to eat after all. AND I also booked the nice hotel room that has a private half bathroom. So that’s cool too, because a shared toilet sucks. Past me knew I needed a decent last work trip.

I do go to London a bit more after this, but not with as much frequency which I am excited about. I have to install my show there and also go back after Europe for the reception. And then I guess I will probably go again this summer to clean out my studio. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it in the meantime, there won’t be students around. I don’t know what summer sessions they do though.

I’ve decided to get a travel guitar, because I really want to improve on my guitar skills and I ideally want to play every day. I don’t want to put my regular guitar in carry on or cargo, I am too anxious about it getting destroyed. But a travel guitar is light and thin and can fit in the overhead bin. I’m doing good on my guitar journey, I played for over an hour and a half today and I think part of it was because I tried all the things I have been learning to see how I am doing on them all. Pretty good! I did a little recording of the very beginning of Crazy on You, I still only have the first few notes and I still don’t think it sounds like it. But it sounds like SOMETHING. It’s fingerpicking so very different than the earlier stuff I was learning. I’m doing pretty good on chords. I was able to barre the two notes in the F chord recently, because I have been practicing doing the B barre chord, but the B is HARD it’s almost all the strings, and my finger doesn’t like holding all that down. I’m finding it easier after my teacher showed me some tips, like changing my thumb position so my fingers can get up higher and more spread out. Anyway, I am slowly improving! I can make a few parts of songs now. I was learning What’s Up and the regular teacher showed me a different strum pattern and now it sounds like, perfect. But it is just 3 chords over and over. And one solo!

I am starting to want to learn songs to play to impress lovers ha ha. So I gotta think of a good song to sing for someone someday. ALSO I am still trying to learn how to sing AND play guitar. It’s hard! The melody of the vocals competes in my head with the tune my guitar is doing, and then I get confused. Like rubbing your tummy while patting your head. It’s hard! I also still need to work on getting my fingers to move more independently of each other.

After this class, I am also going back to my gym routine. I tried to get a beefy bicep flex in a photo recently and it was like, my arm didn’t change at all ha ha. So I gotta work on my muscles again. Plus it just makes me happy.

If you had asked me five years ago if I would be happy playing music and going to the gym all the time, I think I would have been like no I don’t even know how. Getting a personal trainer for a while was so good though, that was helpful. And then having these guitar teachers has also been so good. I love learning ha ha! My favourite students are the ones who genuinely love learning new things, I think because that was the kind of student I was and I guess still am.

There’s only two more classes left of the semester. It’s amazing, wrapping up already! I need to do my last tutorial game, and then the very last class is crits of final projects. So we’ll see how that goes. I’ve enjoyed teaching but the travel is really wearing me out fast. I’m going to be happy to not have to go every week anymore.

I’m tired as hell. I didn’t take my night meds last night, and I have no idea how that happened but yeah yikes! I almost ALWAYS take them, so its kinda weird. Luckily I’m not supposed to be in trouble if I miss one PrEP dose. Still not a great idea.

I’ve been working super hard lately. OH MAN. Just so much constantly on the go. And also there’s like, ideas going through my head about my film.

I discovered the last time I went to London on the train that I could see locations on the way. And there were all these different kinds of warehouses with trailers and shipping containers and junk yards and storage spaces and I was thinking about where this one major scene is in my feature and realizing watching things go by might be the best thing to reformulate how I am going to write this narrative. So I go back on Saturday instead of Sunday this weekend, and I’m going to look out the window and try to think about spaces and events and how they would fit.

I’m exhausted by this constant threat next door also, the Americans. In Canada people are starting to worry about being invaded. Not everyone, some people think it will never happen. However I know enough about Canadian history to know that it’s not unheard of to have battlefields in Canada and surrounding areas. My Great Great Grandfather fought the Canadian Army in 1885, so it happens and could happen again. I mean, in a different way. I know I’m way too old to be in the army, and would suck as a soldier anyway. But I think there’s still other ways to resist. But you can’t talk about that online or the billionaire AI’s will eat it and give the oligarch’s your info.

In reality, I am having a big issue with my presence on the internet. I know this blog reveals a bunch of stuff about me. BUT ALSO I need it for work and a creative outlet. I make no money off this writing, I have no advertising on this website, it’s just a corner of the internet I blab at and sometimes people read it I guess. I tried to make it a more professional website a long time ago and I’m just not that person. I’m not profesh!

I do write articles though, like I do professional writing, just not here. Here’s more like a diary.

The dogs are fine. They are sleeping right now. I have to head to my guitar lesson soon. I practiced for 40 minutes today and I got really good. I figured out how to do this one part of a fingerpicking tune that had stumped me. I had one finger at Fret 2 on the A string, and one finger on fret 5 of the high E string. And my hand was the most awkward position and I’ve been having trouble forever. So I set up my camera and made a video that was supposed to show how I can’t get this part. And then I got it. I was surprised. My hand stretches out to a really awkward degree, and I just assumed my hand was too small to do this. But it was fine! Amazing!

I think I need to replace the high E string. It’s got a medium gauge string on it and the others are all extra light. And I’ve noticed the high E is hard for me to press on so maybe extra light would be better. They should all match anyway.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this guitar training. Like, most people want to be in a band. But I still want to keep learning before I take that step I guess. I can do chords well. Things I’m learning now are more specific skills. I know how to do hammer ons, pull offs, finger picking, regular strumming, picking. I need to work on my strumming though because I use my whole forearm and I really should just use my wrist. It takes more energy to do the whole forearm and tires me out. And ideally I would be able to play more than one song at a time and do a few in a row. I’m starting to realize I need a stronger pick. I’ve been using real flimsy ones because it was easier to do upstrums with them. But now I want something a bit thicker.

I’m at a nice spot in my guitar journey to know how to make parts of songs that sound good. Like, I haven’t put it all together in a whole song yet. But I know parts of a lot of songs, and they tend to repeat. I am learning Zombie and it’s so easy, but I haven’t played through the song entirely yet. I got the tabs and printed them out. It would be nice to learn more guitar solos.

But yeah I actually don’t know what I want to be as a musician. Like, I guess everyone wants to be in a band maybe? I don’t know. I really am just doing it for me and my own enjoyment. Also it’s helping me deepen my understanding of music, which I think as another time based medium helps me deepen my understanding of film and emotional tones. Also it’s helping me connect to my emotions more I suppose. Which is something I wanted. I’m still so conscious of playing in front of someone.

I am thinking about taking singing lessons. I just want to learn enough not to hate my voice when I sing along.

My cleaner was here today so the house is clean, and I’m so relieved. Yesterday it was a mess and I was like “I could clean it, but the cleaner is coming tomorrow anyway…” I remember the first time he came over, I cleaned the house before he arrived ha ha. But it really is nice to know once a month the house gets a reset and we can all feel happier and less guilty. I have a whole weird thing about cleanliness and uncleanliness and being Indigenous and it stresses me out! Between that and my need to be constantly productive, I really need more therapy. Luckily I’m not planning to end therapy any time soon.

I have been enjoying an increase in my Vyvanse. It’s helped me be a bit more alert and also focused and getting things done. Today I finished writing a 1388 word article that’s due tomorrow. I need to sleep on it and go over it again in the morning. I also sent a bunch of emails related to a project I’m trying to get a grant for.

ALSO THOUGH I really need to make a plan for my short film I want to shoot this summer. I need to find cast and crew, and nail down a shooting date, and shoot it. I have to break down my script and find out how many actors I need. ALSO I was going to have him work in a call centre. But now I’m wondering if he could work a call centre job from home? I’m just trying to figure out how to use as few sets as possible. I need a library too. Do you know how much TPL charges to film in the library? A lot! It’s a lot! For one thing I need a $5000 damage deposit, and that’s a third of the film’s budget, so it’s not gonna be shot in the library.

I have a few other ideas of places though. Maybe. I just need someone with a table and a bookshelf that doesn’t look like someone’s house.

ALSO I was approached to act in a feature film someone is making, so I need to read the script. I keep meaning to do it while I’m on the train, but I forgot this last week. I think I can try this Sunday though.

I’m starting to have big revelations in my head about my script though. I’m making some progress in broader decisions about the structure of the film. So it’s going to look different than it looks now. Like, meaner, but also more logical I guess. But also I learned a lot in the recent few months of talking to people and my story editor and producer. So I feel like I’m more informed to write it.

I also need to find a musician who seems enough like a pop star to fit the story, but who is cool enough to let me use their tune for $1000 for my film. I just need the tune! I need to make a shortlist of people/Canadians who fit this.

ACTUALLY Ha ha I just remembered I am going to see my guitar instructor next week who was in a big CanCon band. So maybe I can ask him if he has ideas of people I could talk to.

I do know a ton of musicians though. I had my heart set on a song but it didn’t work out.

I’m having a whole bunch of other personal things going on though including feelings I wasn’t expecting that I can’t talk about ha ha. But the work stuff takes a lot of my time.

I’ve been working on my game Repatriate Me! Here’s a funny video of a glitch.

Here’s another video of my game when there’s a working health system and health meter in it, unfortunately the bat kills him too quickly!

Anyway it’s been fun to work on. I clearly need to add more health points, or make the health bears vanish/change incrementally. But I was working on it at the end of the day yesterday before I went to the train station. So I didn’t have time to dig in and figure out how to alter it. But I feel if I divide the bears into quarters, I might have enough health points to actually get somewhere in the game. I also want to animate the bat so it’s wings are moving. I think it would look better, and the rat is animated already. It has it’s little running pattern. I need to ultimately add more bats and rats and extend the scene so there’s more places to see. Also his animations aren’t playing through properly still, so that needs fine tuning.

I’m doing good although I did a bunch of ridiculous things today so far. Went to a class talk a week early. Went to my doctor’s office two hours early. Ended up on a broken streetcar and had to walk from Yonge street. I am in a good mood though, I did my STI tests and got a medication upped and my doctor sent a request for an MRI again. My liver is doing a thing and I guess they need to see what it is doing. I also am happier that more things are working in my game. I want to have something working of this level so that people can play it. I need to make a couple title card scenes. Like an opening credit and an end credit.

I really want an animation of the player falling into a box, but I’m not sure how to do that. I might have to make a scene where he’s just falling. I don’t know! I just need a few seconds to tell that part of the story.

My solo show is still on at the Doris McCarthy Gallery at University of Toronto Scarborough Campus. So if you are in the GTA you should go see it, it’s over on March 29th, when Wanda Nanibush and I do a talk at 2pm.

So yeah what else is going on? I am traveling next month to a festival I’ve wanted to show in for a long time. So that’s exciting. I got a few days in another city I have never spent time in except for being in the airport. And I have tickets to do things there so that’s fun too. I’m happy to know there are still places to show that aren’t in the United States.

I get a lot of work in the United States. So there’s been some ramifications from the Trump administration to some work things down there. Not being able to go is one (even before they started talking about banning trans people from getting Visas, I had already decided not to travel to the USA just based on seeing where things are going), but also an org doing an event in Washington at the Kennedy Center had to find a new venue. I’m showing Indigiqueer Youth videos there, and there were some drag performances. So yeah, that sucks. Technically it was not cancelled, but we were told we couldn’t present what we wanted to, which is the same thing. Anyway yeah that was an issue. The org is Crushing Colonialism and they could use donations if you are inclined to support Indigiqueer/2S artists and thinkers etc.

I’m also just constantly working on multiple projects, teaching a class on Decolonial Indie Video Games, busy busy.

I’ve got a new theory about intrusive thoughts. I was talking about it with my therapist, that I think there are energies that have information. Like there are ideas and memories and feelings kind of floating around on their own, and more sensitive people pick up on them. Because I know some of the stuff going on in my head is not coming from me. It’s like, something else out there, or multiple things really. I know I have picked up feelings of other people who had something terrible happen to them in the location I was at. It makes me wonder a lot about mental health and how much is really just being too sensitive and not having blocking or shielding on some of this outside stuff. Not like “OH she’s manic because she’s possessed” or something like that. I just think there are disembodied thoughts and feelings and memories. And some of it is really old. But when I was talking to my therapist about intrusive thoughts I said it was like there was a current of trauma out there. Like, just this weird shitty awful stuff that people connect to once in a while by accident. Not that they do those things, just that those energies float around all the time as thoughts and feelings. I think trauma makes a huge impact on energy like that.

But I also think love impacts energies. It’s just I guess when love energies are around no one complains about them, because an intrusive thought about love is like, happy sexy daydreams, or feeling happy, or any number of pleasant feelings. Why would you complain about feeling good?

Unless you are me and complain about being worried happiness is mania. Oh god that’s the worst, to be suspicious of my own happiness.

I am still working on my podcast! I need to make the song/jingle for it still and haven’t had time. PLUS I want to record another episode. I am slowly figuring out the format I want it to have, so I need to perfect it. Plus I want to have a few recorded before I start putting them out.

Also went back to work yesterday. Halfway through the semester!

I also found out I got into a festival I’ve wanted to go to for years. So I have to be quiet about where and when etc. But I’m excited, I am going to go for this screening and have a bit of an adventure etc. So that’s fun. ALSO it’s not in the United States, so going isn’t an issue.

I did find out today that they are putting through a law where foreigners getting visas for the United States will need to get them in their gender at birth. But none of my id has my gender at birth on it. And if they find out they can ban you from the United States forever. SO it’s not a law yet, but it’s what they want to do, so I’m being aware of it. And also I had already decided not to go to the USA at this time. So yeah, that does suck. But also I’m not entirely surprised.

I had such a ranty last post ha ha I totally forgot about it because I went off and had a nice few days or whatever since that post. I’m working on my projects. I got money to make a short film! I got into this festival! I found out Lily Gladstone follows me on Instagram and I was so star struck. Ha ha it was as exciting as when I realized Yoko Ono was following me on Twitter. Of course I followed them back.

I’m excited for life for a few reasons, which is nice to feel. Although the overall outlook of the world is pretty bad. But I have some things I am grateful for I guess. I’m still feeling creative and I guess I realized that we’re kind of all stuck in this hell and my job as an artist is to make it a bit more bearable. Like, the way you can cling to a song because it makes you feel seen. But with all kinds of art, not just music.

Musically I need more time to spend with my guitar. I paid for another semester of guitar lessons and then I am going to take a break and just practice until September. I’m not sure how long people usually take lessons. It feels like there’s still at least 500 things I don’t know about how to play guitar. Probably more! I don’t even know, I’m getting better at reading tabs but I can’t read music notes. I’m having an easier time picking up basic songs. I’m still trying to learn Crazy On You. This week I get to see the substitute instructor who was in Gowan, which I think is so cool. I used to be obsessed with Gowan in the 80s! All those great cancon hits ha ha.

Todd had to go to the vet today, he did his check up and got his vaccinations and his nails got trimmed. And then he came home so sleepy and has basically been sleeping on and off ever since we came home. Poor baby boy.

I submitted a travel grant because of getting into that festival. I wanted to submit to the ISO, but when I logged onto their portal, their travel grant deadline was literally yesterday. So it’s a Canada Council travel grant. Those grants aren’t really guaranteed so I’m going to try and be prepared to just be able to cover it with my own money. Who knows! I wish the arts were better funded.

I did my t shot today. Gender Affirming Care for the week, done! I’m also doing scar care on my revision though, and I am SO BAD AT IT. With the initial top surgery I was so consistent about doing it every day and doing the gel and the silicone strips. And I got great faded scars out of it. But with this one I keep forgetting to do scar care. I’m trying to be a bit more consistent. Maybe because it’s under my arm, I don’t feel as conscious of it? Which is weird because obviously I was conscious enough of that spot to want a revision there. I don’t know but I’m doing my scar care again when I remember.

I’m excited about Cows and Plows, but it’s going to be a while before we get it. When we do I can pay off my debts though, so I am hoping for sooner rather than later. COWS AND PLOWS!

Anyway my career is very ADHD right now and I’m doing all kinds of things every day and that’s just my work style right now I guess. It is slower. BUT things do get done.