I’ve been busy! So I have been away from this blog I guess. I’ve been doing a bunch of creative things, which have been nice to do. I am starting to post myself singing on my social media. I had my recital on Saturday and no one would come record me singing, so I came home and recorded myself singing. With like, proper gear. I don’t think the video composition is very interesting but it was literally just singing. But then I started getting anxious about how many or how few likes it was getting and it kind of bothered me. I hate measuring myself with likes. What have we come to?
I’m realizing a lot of the validation I’m seeking has to come from myself. I’ve spent so much time in the art world in competition with everyone for grants or shows or awards and it’s really a damaging way to think about a creative career. Especially since I talk about things that don’t usually get attention until a decade or more later. Anyway, I’m tired of feeling like the unpopular kid in the art world, so I need to stop looking outwards for recognition. And music stuff is a slightly different form than the films I’ve been making. I’m not really anticipating a huge money making venture with music, it’s just something I’ve always loved and can finally put time into learning.
Really I think music and film are very complimentary, because they are both time based mediums. And I think the structure of music and songs can relate to narrative structure. So learning it is helping my story telling as well.
But it’s just like this blog, people tell me they read it, but barely anyone except my friend Clark comments. It gets so little recognition, even when I post it on my facebook.
How do you keep creating when there is so little recognition?
That’s my question. Because I am so tired of applying for grants and fellowships and awards and shit. I honestly would prefer just having universal basic income so I can make art and not starve. AND I am also tired of looking for likes. I kind of wish we didn’t see how many likes people got. Especially because there’s people out there who buy likes, I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on likes. But it’s just a point about how those numbers can be very artificial.
I make stuff I love. I think that should be enough validation for me. I genuinely had a good time making everything I’ve made. OH except the video about being suicidal took a lot out of me. But the other things were satisfying to perform and edit together.
And then even when I am complaining about likes and shit like that, my work is being bought by the libraries at NYU and UCLA. So I’m being taught to people. And yet I’m still like “omg only seven likes? Really?” I think my new stuff is just too new for people.
I’ve also been taking Lomography photos again and those don’t get many likes either, even though I think they are kind of amazing pics. It’s depressing! I don’t want to think about reception of work. I just want to think about making it. And make it and yeah. Then not think about it anymore I guess. My Trans Piss Project is also unpopular and no one wants to show it. Even though it is so timely.
I was always one of those people who tried to encourage emerging artists and filmmakers. So I guess when I don’t get it back it’s disappointing. BUT I don’t want to think like this. I don’t want to think about algorithms putting me at the bottom of the feed so that everyone has to read the propaganda they are getting instead. And I don’t want to pay to make more people see it. And I don’t want to strap someone into a chair and prop their eyes/ears open so they will see/hear something I made.
I just want to be satisfied with the things I can make and do and the skills I keep trying to develop as I get older. And my singing has improved a lot. I started singing lessons in July 2025 and I’ve gotten a lot better in various ways. When I listen to the first songs I was singing, I sound so different. Now I actually sound decent. I don’t know if I am the best singer. But I also realize that there might be a form of music that my voice works for, and I just have to find it. But also omg some people act like it’s a hardship to watch my art and that just stresses me out.
I really do want to work on finding validation by myself though. I’ve become so insular since COVID made me spend months all by myself. And I don’t know that that is good, but I do like being alone. So I want to enjoy my art alone too I guess. And if other people are noticing, that is nice. But really I’m tired of trying to please others. I just want to make stuff that makes me happy.
There is one person who has been endlessly validating for me though and that’s my therapist. Sometimes I will play a song for her that I recorded, and she always has the best responses. Or I will send her a link to a film I made and we talk about it in therapy. She doesn’t see any of my socials or this blog or anything, just the few artworks I show her. And usually my art reflects on deeply personal experiences, so it helps to show her then talk about big stuff. Anyway, I at least have that.
But yeah, I need to let it all go and stop thinking about the audience honestly. Because sometimes there honestly is no audience for some of the stuff I make.