I’ve been busy! So I have been away from this blog I guess. I’ve been doing a bunch of creative things, which have been nice to do. I am starting to post myself singing on my social media. I had my recital on Saturday and no one would come record me singing, so I came home and recorded myself singing. With like, proper gear. I don’t think the video composition is very interesting but it was literally just singing. But then I started getting anxious about how many or how few likes it was getting and it kind of bothered me. I hate measuring myself with likes. What have we come to?
I’m realizing a lot of the validation I’m seeking has to come from myself. I’ve spent so much time in the art world in competition with everyone for grants or shows or awards and it’s really a damaging way to think about a creative career. Especially since I talk about things that don’t usually get attention until a decade or more later. Anyway, I’m tired of feeling like the unpopular kid in the art world, so I need to stop looking outwards for recognition. And music stuff is a slightly different form than the films I’ve been making. I’m not really anticipating a huge money making venture with music, it’s just something I’ve always loved and can finally put time into learning.
Really I think music and film are very complimentary, because they are both time based mediums. And I think the structure of music and songs can relate to narrative structure. So learning it is helping my story telling as well.
But it’s just like this blog, people tell me they read it, but barely anyone except my friend Clark comments. It gets so little recognition, even when I post it on my facebook.
How do you keep creating when there is so little recognition?
That’s my question. Because I am so tired of applying for grants and fellowships and awards and shit. I honestly would prefer just having universal basic income so I can make art and not starve. AND I am also tired of looking for likes. I kind of wish we didn’t see how many likes people got. Especially because there’s people out there who buy likes, I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on likes. But it’s just a point about how those numbers can be very artificial.
I make stuff I love. I think that should be enough validation for me. I genuinely had a good time making everything I’ve made. OH except the video about being suicidal took a lot out of me. But the other things were satisfying to perform and edit together.
And then even when I am complaining about likes and shit like that, my work is being bought by the libraries at NYU and UCLA. So I’m being taught to people. And yet I’m still like “omg only seven likes? Really?” I think my new stuff is just too new for people.
I’ve also been taking Lomography photos again and those don’t get many likes either, even though I think they are kind of amazing pics. It’s depressing! I don’t want to think about reception of work. I just want to think about making it. And make it and yeah. Then not think about it anymore I guess. My Trans Piss Project is also unpopular and no one wants to show it. Even though it is so timely.
I was always one of those people who tried to encourage emerging artists and filmmakers. So I guess when I don’t get it back it’s disappointing. BUT I don’t want to think like this. I don’t want to think about algorithms putting me at the bottom of the feed so that everyone has to read the propaganda they are getting instead. And I don’t want to pay to make more people see it. And I don’t want to strap someone into a chair and prop their eyes/ears open so they will see/hear something I made.
I just want to be satisfied with the things I can make and do and the skills I keep trying to develop as I get older. And my singing has improved a lot. I started singing lessons in July 2025 and I’ve gotten a lot better in various ways. When I listen to the first songs I was singing, I sound so different. Now I actually sound decent. I don’t know if I am the best singer. But I also realize that there might be a form of music that my voice works for, and I just have to find it. But also omg some people act like it’s a hardship to watch my art and that just stresses me out.
I really do want to work on finding validation by myself though. I’ve become so insular since COVID made me spend months all by myself. And I don’t know that that is good, but I do like being alone. So I want to enjoy my art alone too I guess. And if other people are noticing, that is nice. But really I’m tired of trying to please others. I just want to make stuff that makes me happy.
There is one person who has been endlessly validating for me though and that’s my therapist. Sometimes I will play a song for her that I recorded, and she always has the best responses. Or I will send her a link to a film I made and we talk about it in therapy. She doesn’t see any of my socials or this blog or anything, just the few artworks I show her. And usually my art reflects on deeply personal experiences, so it helps to show her then talk about big stuff. Anyway, I at least have that.
But yeah, I need to let it all go and stop thinking about the audience honestly. Because sometimes there honestly is no audience for some of the stuff I make.
I’m glad the comments are being read. I wasn’t sure as they don’t appear later from what I can see. (Maybe you’ve got some setting in the wrong position and only you can see comments.) Websites tend to have way more lurkers than contributors. You probably have others who read it.
I find the same thing that it’s hard to keep going when it seems like nobody else cares or notices. I have been able to look back at my body of work and see that some are hits and some don’t go anywhere. The amount of effort seems to have no correlation with this.
I think that things are harder for artists now, we’re not just competing with the people in the same area we live in but now the whole world. The world is full of people and many are just as talented as us. Some get luckier breaks than us for getting their stuff out there and having it seen.
I remember someone saying that “The art is in the doing”. I need to have a good time making it otherwise I could do something else as there’s no guarantee that it’ll go anywhere.
Making art that’s ahead of others can be frustrating especially when they call you a weirdo for it, then ten or fifteen years later they’re in to the same type of stuff (made by somebody else) and they make it seem like they’ve always liked it. Hate that.
I like how in Mexico artists can pay their taxes with art. A UBI for artists (or anyone) would be great. I remember somebody referring to welfare as “the other canada council”.
What’s the motivator when you’re not getting validation at the time? For me it’s avoiding future regret. Regret that I let a year of my life go by and didn’t make any art. I tell myself to make at least one thing per year, whatever it is, humble or grand. (I tend to average about two though.) When one project is delayed for awhile I do some other art thing until I’m able to work on it again. I dunno. Things are depressing. Living for future generations to appreciate my work after I’m gone implies that there will be a future.
I remember Wayne Yung talking about his “constituency”. (Like he was an MLA or something.) He meant gay asians growing up in white North America, like himself, who when he grew up never saw an Asian be a lead character or a sex symbol and he wanted to correct that with his videos. At the time I thought it was an odd term to use. Back then I had two ideas at the same time, that nobody would care but also that my work would be big hits. (Somehow I didn’t see any contradiction back then.)
Nowadays I wonder if the world has moved on and now I’m irrelevant. That nobody would get the style now even if I make it about current issues. Recently I saw Sunset Boulevard. (I had seen parodies of some scenes but had never seen it.) One thing that I could relate to was Norma Desmond thinking that there were still fans out there adoring her and that one day the studio will call her up and she’ll be back making big movies again like the old days. Hah!
I have the comments so they need to be approved to show up, because I got attacked by a bunch of terfs once and didn’t want them to think they had some other avenue to attack a trans person. But yeah I read your comments! They are super helpful. I think sometimes people are afraid of work like ours. I still love your videos and would love to see new work.You can email me new videos at tjcuthand@gmail.com. I think some times things aren’t acknowledged as important until way later. That is the way it has seemed with my own video work, they do get acknowledged eventually, but new stuff is awkward for people while it is finding an audience, or not yet understood. It’s too bad, I feel sometimes like I am 20 years ahead of the zeitgeist.