I had this great dream last night so I’ll tell you about it. I was sitting at a deli counter when this man sat next to me and passed me a little note on a piece of paper. It said “I know who you are. What do you want?” And I wrote back “Transformation everywhere.”
“For a while, I thought that it would be fun to call what I do in life gender terrorism. Seemed right at first – I and so many folks like me were terrorizing the structure of gender itself. But I’ve come to see it a bit differently now – gender terrorists are not the drag queens, the butch dykes, the men on rollerskates dressed as nuns. Gender Terrorists are not the female to male transsexual who’s learning to look people in the eye while he walks down the street. Gender terrorists are not the leader daddies or back seat Betties. Gender terrorists are not the married men, shivering in the dark as they slip on their wives panties. Gender terrorists are those who, like Ms. Millot, bang their heads against a gender system which is real and natural and who then use gender to terrorize the rest of us. These are the real terrorists: the Gender Defenders.”
– Kate Bornstein “Gender Outlaw” – 1994
I’m in touch with the medical community again and I’m back on the approved treatment for getting OFF psych meds, which is smoking marijuana. So that’s what I’m doing now, because marijuana stimulates the regrowth of neuronal pathways, which is why HIV pos people use it. One of the many reasons they use it, actually. It does amazing stuff for HIV positive people. And so my little brain is growing back together, and that’s good. I’m glad it’s getting itself back together. And I think the drugs are mostly out of my system now, I mean, it will probably take a year or two for them to flush out, maybe longer. The hard part of detoxing is over though, and that makes me happy.
There are a lot of mood disorders and so on among transgender people, because it’s a super oppressive situation to be in, I mean, ultimately I think it is the most oppressed position in this culture. And so of course people have problems when they start coming to terms with it, because it means deciding if you are ready to leave behind the world you have known. And so you look at EVERYTHING that is in the world, I mean, so much, because you need to know if that is a world you want to be a part of. And that’s why we go crazy, because the world is a dark place. And fuck no, I don’t want to be part of that world. But then people get suicidal, because it seems like the only world to exist. And you do want to live, I mean, you don’t want to go away for ever, so then you start hating yourself. Because if this is the world we live in and I am completely opposed to it, then I must be in the wrong because I’m the most marginalized of all minority groups. And people all seem to lack consensus, which reinforces those binaries more because they fight each other on those lines.
But then you really do wake up, and realize that life is more infinitely complex than all of those binaries. And the more complex it gets the more infinitely gorgeous it gets, to the point where you HAVE to stay. I mean, it’s too fucking gorgeous to toss the whole thing away. Which is why First Nations people allowed their young transgendered people to go on a shamanic quest, because part of that quest was divulging how to keep a community together. And so we make great community builders, because we really do try to understand everyone’s position on our journey to be who we are.
I don’t know any trans person who has actively shown their process in real time. I mean, ten years of this, man alive! And it is so personal, it’s terribly personal, and that’s why people don’t show it, because of shame. And people do shame it these days, because no one remembers what a shamanic quest looks like from the inside. All you know is that we have to go away and then we come back and we are all better. But now so many people are going on them that you kind of HAVE to see it, because we don’t have proper retreats set up. Which is mostly why I want to go to Grad School, so I can give you people your own desert so no one else has to hear your secrets when you learn who you are. And you won’t all be trans, just a few people are.
Privacy is an important thing, again, because people jump to hasty conclusions. And those conclusions limit people.
I really did do an experiment of willingly putting myself under surveillance to see what would happen. I guess we know. And I guess it’s funny, because now if anyone actually did pay attention to me then they are reacting based on the process of coming to terms with transgender identity, because honestly, this is what it looks like. That was what my positive disintegration was about. And I’m glad I was under surveillance, although a lot of what I said is collective unconscious stuff or else just things I have heard that I felt obligated to report. Is any of it true? Really, honestly, I think you should go find out for yourselves. And you don’t have to go all those places man, you can just pick your own route of transformation, which is cool. I merely needed to reflect the world, but it’s not my world is it? Because this world doesn’t like transfolks. Or doesn’t understand them, which may be more why I decided to go under surveillance. But I am ready to let it go, I’m only going to talk about things I find useful now. And I have lots of fun things in my future.
But other people are also transforming in their own ways, and they have some cool things to talk about. And I think they should talk about them here, because I like hearing about all kinds of stuff, not just trans issues. Although clearly trans issues show up here.
I knew I could prove “psychosis” was a relevant transformational crisis. I’m glad no one took me to the hospital, because as you can tell from my previous hospitalization, it is in no way shape or form safe for transgendered people to go there. In fact I have often been apppalled by places non-trans people send me, seeming totally oblivious to the fact that I have way different identity issues. It’s often been violent, towards me. And I am tired of being beat up. So please, no more giving orders for me. I’m off to go live my own life. Well, sort of. I do still want this blog to be about personal transformation in various people’s lives, which is why I started inviting people. Because I’m not the only one changing in the world.
And I’m glad I’m off the stupid drugs, those pills made me mean and weird. I mean, they froze me in the mean weird fucked up stage I was in. Now that I’m off I can move along to a more appropriate treatment for my issues, in this case that would be testosterone. And I think I have enough humbleness to avoid the trap of proving I’m a guy by slugging all my friends. I’ve seen people do their transition either really well or really badly, and I’m hopefully going to do mine really well. I just slept for a really long time, like, totally peaceful. And that is nice. I’m going to be going on EI and taking the summer off to like, just figure myself out and remember who I am. And who I am is a really nice person, I’m quite silly and funny and fun. And sexy. And gentle, that’s the thing, normally I am quite gentle which is why this whole four years has been stupid, I’m not interested in fucked up shit, I mean, only in that it shouldn’t be there.
I still want to take a tour of the Synchotron though, I think Edward is going to come with me for that, it should be fun. And I’ll be glad to just gently inspire people instead of boss them around. Inspiration is a good thing. I mean, if you did exactly what I did word for word, you’d have to go to the gender clinic! But really, if you did find anything useful in those writings then by all means check their facts if you want to go those places. It’s true that there is more scientific support for the existence of God than the existence of mental illness in the brain chemical theory going today.
And I do have some nice people around me, they’ve all been freaking out but I hope they’re fine now. And I bought myself some time, which is awesome. And I think I might actually go off to Toronto and do my major transition there, which would be a way better idea than trying it here. I think I need to be around more diversity than I can find in Saskatoon. And I’ve never lived in Toronto, but I have friends there and there is a big trans community and altogether it might be a safer place. And I’ll be in Montreal in November talking on the Gender panel, which I have to get together. And I will be talking about psych disabilities in Victoria, where I can talk about everything I discovered. And hopefully I will get a chance to go to school and write my thesis as a blueprint for alternative care homes, and you know, that can be public domain when I’m done, I don’t really want to own it, I think everyone should own it. And there is psychiatric survivor day in Toronto in September, which I will be doing. And there is a ten minute presentation I am supposed to give at the ACC, so I think I will just talk about transformational creative energy. Because I think everyone kind of wants to use that in their lives safely. And not everyone will go as far out as I did, because we are all different. So it’s useful, I can apply my stuff to all these different groups in ways that are relevant to them.
I do know transgendered folks are intensely spiritual though, more than most, which makes me wonder if someone stumbled on me and deliberately activated that awakening process. I think I know who it was. Ze’s a card.
I know I talked about cults a lot, well you know what, the binary gender system is a cult. It’s the most fucked up cult I’ve ever met. Hate it. Stupid binary gender system. It’s a cult for stupidheads.
So I am really relieved. And I’m making up with certain people who seem to be happy to watch me turn into who I really am. But man, not transitioning anymore is getting to be way too dangerous, I’d probably snuff it for sure. I didn’t want to be making this decision lightly though, obviously, it’s a huge decision. And I wanted to make sure it was really for me and not because of other things. And really, women do have a sucky ass position in the world, and it is so not fair. They deserve to be whoever they want to be, even the ones who won’t wear skirts because it triggers them. I love women, they rule. And I like that I will always have them in my life and not just abandon them for men, because I like all types of women. And I know how disappointed lesbians get when someone transitions and starts badmouthing them. I mean, that is rude. If lesbians nurtured you while you were sorting yourself out, then they deserve respect as much as anyone. And some of them do go mean and rejecting, it’s true, but those are INDIVIDUALS and not the lesbian community as a whole. And butch women were great for me to hang out with because they are boys, in a way, they just like doing it in that style. And they do have style.
I hope to see more gender equality in my lifetime. I think we need more women in positions of power. It’s changing, slowly, but really, I think Parliament needs to be at least 50% women. Otherwise fucked up shit happens. And we need better representation, I mean, all citizens should have reps, even trans folks. Diversity in places of power can only make things stronger. That all being said, corruption can happen to anybody. Even me when I ended up in the hospital, they made me corrupt! Not healed at all!
Anyway, after I do my thesis I’m going back to filmmaking, because that’s my strong suit, and I think I can be bossy in an ethical way now. Hopefully. I think being bossy by way of inspiration is far more fun. And it will be interesting to work with actors and find out how to safely inspire them and take them through their process and make sure they are okay at the end. Filmmaking with aftercare, that’s a good idea. And they should be allowed to stop a scene when it’s way too hard on them, that’s a damn good idea.
And there really are lights in the sky here, Laurel has seen them with me. I don’t know why they like the prairies so much, but they are here. Laurel thinks they are looking for someone. They’re doing something anyway. I’m not scared of them though, they seem to have a plan. Maybe we’re getting a galactic intervention! We need one anyway, this planet has a terrible boss, oh man, so terrible. The infrastructure’s fucked.
But back to transitioning. I don’t know that I will be flying overseas until something is done about this silly war. It’s just not really a good idea for someone like me to travel if I am transitioning, and eventually I will look like a bio guy and then my ID won’t match and that gets tricky, especially in an age of government paranoia. So, the word on the street is for transfolks to stop travelling for a few months, or else take all their documentation with them. But you know, those border guards are thugs, they aren’t very intelligent and they do hassle people who are different, in any way. So I’ll probably stay in Canada for a while until I get the all clear, which sucks because I like seeing the world. Poopy war! It makes life so dull.
Anyway, I guess I will be bringing Schrodinger and Mister to Toronto with me, because they are nice to have around and they make me happy. Schrodinger is a bit of a bossy cat though, but he’s terribly handsome, and he and Mister are best friends, so that’s good. And they didn’t get enough attention while I went through this, but they will now, funny little dudes. Schrodinger has an obsession with a screw that is in the wall, just one damn screw that’s in the hallway. He’s always liked it, I don’t know why. Anyway, I find pets have a nice grounding force, it’s good to have animals in the house.
And maybe now I can finally be around people who can actually respect me for who I am instead of who they want me to be. Which would be nice, because I didn’t much like being a cipher.
I have an appointment with a councellor, and there’s a trans support group that meets this coming Wednesday and I think I have to stop being isolated. I think I need to actually start planning what to do now. And one of the things I’ve decided is to do hormones. I wasn’t sure about it before, but I think it is something I have to do. I’m kind of freaked about having to go through puberty AGAIN, but I’m appraised of the risks. It will be weird. The only thing is I don’t know how my stupid psych diagnosis will affect my decision to take hormones. I know it used to be that you couldn’t have ANY psych diagnosis and get on hormones. Then again, I know people who have done it, so it is possible.
I feel a lot calmer, actually, now I know where I’m going to. I remember at the end of my hospitalization I started doing the Gender Workbook and then I forgot why, I mean, I really didn’t know. So I just walked away from it. But now I remember, that’s where I was aiming for this whole time, just to finally say, fucking hell, fine I’m a boy, let’s deal with it.
I have been researching this for like, over ten years. This is in no way a new thing. I just wanted to be totally sure, absolutely, I mean, it’s the biggest body mod ever!
So I’m going to spend some time thinking about my gender. I know I’m already starting to lean back towards the goofy punk kid I always was. I want to dye my hair again, and I dunno, wear big boots. Well, not always. Get more tattoos.
And I’m going to go meet some trans people in town. I mean, of all the places to transition, Saskatoon? That’s silly. But it can be done. I’m not in a rush though, I think now it’s just calm and thoughtful. I would have to find the gender clinic here. I would have to do my “Year as a Man” where I just live full time as a guy and see what happens. I would have to get a packer and figure out what the hell to do with E cups. I’d have to check the process of legal name changes and if you can change gender legally yet, I mean, go from F to M on your id. I know Samonte got his gender changed once on his ID, I don’t know if it was a slip or what. But it made him happy.
I don’t know about chest surgery, that’s kind of intense, I don’t know if I want to go under the knife. But I don’t have to think about that yet anyway. I’m kind of scared of doing a gender change in Saskatoon though, because it does seem like a red neck city. But I guess I should meet other trans folks here first. So weird, SO WEIRD! Why did I have to do this here? Why not Vancouver, or even Montreal, where there’s transmen running around willy nilly. I’m worried about bathroom issues, I might make a mental note to track unisex stalls about town. Stupid bathrooms! I should just carry a cup around and pee in it. No, that’s gross. But honestly, I have to pee somewhere!
The good thing is I have watched so many friends transition, so it’s not completely unknown territory. And I know how it goes. And for the most part they do end up being totally sexy folks who are pretty content. Although everyone seems to go through an ugly duckling feeling.
So, hmm, going to go back to looking at this stuff. I have to sort out my options. And I have to figure out if my thing from four years ago is going to totally demolish any chance I have of getting legal hormones. I kind of think it will be okay though.
And I’m not really mad at anyone anymore, I’m just kind of like, please, back off. I need to sort my head out on the gender thing. And I have all the books, I mean, it’s not like starting from scratch. And I do know a shitload of people online who are or have transitioned.
I’m worried I’ll grow a beard! Aboriginals don’t have much facial hair, but metis guys, they can get pretty hairy. How hairy will I get? Oh man. I guess now I can pay attention to Gillette advertisements, which might take my mind of things. Oh, and now I do have to learn to pee standing up in an emergency. Emergency standing pees!! That’s kind of silly. I’ll probably just use some device. Stupid pee issues.
You people drive me crazy. I’ve been trying to talk about my identity in a thousand different ways, and I think I’m just going to fucking say it so that people stop pathologizing me.
I am a transman. I have always been a boy. I’ve spent ages trying to figure out how to articulate it though, because I have decided against hormones, for various reasons, some having to do with side effects like anger issues and high cancer rates. I also don’t want to shave. I’m just fussy like that. I like having a female body, strangely enough. It works fine for me, it does all the stuff I want it to do. Being a bottom probably helps!
I’ve been wrestling with Sarain’s life because I do know I was him, but also because if I had been born with male genitalia that would have been my name. I was okay with Thirza for a while because it was a weird name, but it’s still a girls name and it doesn’t correlate with who I am. I’ve tried to talk with various people around me about being trans, but only other trans people seem to be able to spot me. Aside from that I’m just some boy-girl.
I tried a shot of testosterone off some friends back in Vancouver, I wanted to see what would happen. And stuff did happen, and it was interesting, and I really liked getting a bigger clit just because I’m a show off. But I didn’t want to go through the hardcore transition, I wasn’t interested in having to bind and schedule surgery and save up money to chop myself up and spend all that money on a little vial of fluid. I wasn’t happy with the medical options for my gender. I know tons of guys go and do the whole transition thing, and I’m happy for them. But I don’t want to get trapped in one pole. I like having some blended gender characteristics in this body. And I like that I’m just naturally a flamey boy. I think ideas of masculinity are so fucked these days, and that seems to be what my identity gets judged by.
I’ve seen transmen go through the misogyny phase and it’s sick. I think it’s gross to suddenly hate all lesbians or punch each other out for fun or try to prove ones masculinity. Men come in all forms, and I’m one of them. And I’m a funny guy because I’m a screaming queen, and I like being a queeny boy. It’s ridiculously fun.
I don’t know what would have happened if transmen and women hadn’t started noticing me and helping me along. I remember in high school I was at the Fringe and David Harrison was putting on his one man show about his transition. And he saw me hanging around with my friend Laurel and just smiled at me and gave me an ad for his show. And I went, and it was really good, especially because he talked about liking parts of his female body but still feeling like a man.
Later on in first year at Emily Carr some friends abducted me from my art history class and took me to see Kate Bornstein talk, who I had already read. She was great, and she pointed me out again! I got so ridiculously shy. I think I had blue and yellow hair at the time. And then Ben asked if she liked Julie Andrews, but that’s a side note. She does, by the way. But she seemed really taken with who ever I was, and I didn’t even have a fixed name for it yet. And I felt encouraged again. And she mentioned Ma Vie En Rose, which I watched and loved.
Later on in the art scene I met people like Del la Grace Volcano, who was great fun to hang out with and said some really cool things about remaining part of the lesbian community while also being trans. When I went to the Two Spirited conference in Seattle in 1996 I also met Mike and Sky, who were looking like they were having tons of fun and were pretty upfront about being what is really Two Spirited. I met some intersexed people too, and that broadened my mind, especially when you get into there actually being like five to seven different genders. I knew this boy/girl thing was so limited, especially for me.
My last official girlfriend demanded to know if I was a boy once. I denied it, mostly because she was kind of aggressive about asking, and I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I think she was sick of boys and I had no idea of letting her know I wasn’t a macho pig. So that didn’t work.
Stone Butch Blues was the first book that ever spoke to me. I know some transmen get pissy because Leslie Feinberg didn’t stay in the male category and started blending it again. But I got it. It was my story. People always wanted to know what I was, not who I was, WHAT I was. And being a what is a lot different from being a who.
I don’t think people ever realize how much abuse is heaped on gender variant children. Growing up was hell. I hated children, except for a few. I hung out with boys because that’s where I belonged, but then they grew up and stopped being my friends. And then I was stuck with girls, who I couldn’t comprehend at all because I wasn’t one. They were super cute though, which is why it was kind of fun to hang out with them. And I did get an advantage in learning about women’s lives. But then whenever I tried to step out of being a woman, they would freak and put me back.
I get frustrated in the aboriginal community, because it seems like gender variance is still misunderstood. Aiyanna Maracle was fun to hang out with though, because she was just out there, and doing stuff, and respected. And she’s in Montreal now, that’s the last place I saw her. Mirha Soleil Ross is great fun, because she’s got this amazing showmanship about her gender and she even rejects the queer label because she doesn’t feel it suits her, since she dates straight men. And I think that is wicked, although I know it confuses some of us who like to feel kinship with her. But it is her decision because she knows her identity the best.
I guess I would like to bulk up really, I want more musculature. I want some alterations but not all. I don’t care for a penis, but I have dreams about having one and that is good enough for me. I mean, whatever works man.
I think in our community we forgot about the ability of certain people to choose alternate genders and live them fully. It drives me crazy to not be able to do mens ceremonies, to the point where I just don’t bother with my culture anymore. It has frozen me out. I like spending time with women, because they are pretty fucking cool. But I also like having the space to be recognized as a man, even a swishy little man. I don’t want to have to get an anchor tattoo like all the other boys! Sorry guys. And being male does have a funny bearing on my sexuality, and that’s fine by me. I don’t know, it’s a curious thing.
I seem to have a bad habit of falling for women who want men, and then they never clue in that I am a guy and tra la la off. I date bisexual women because they seem to get it, sometimes, although often not at all! Sorry ladies. But really! This is just silly. I thought you guys were more open to gender.
I will never wear a dress again unless I am doing drag, which I do sometimes. But I don’t care to pretend to be a girl, or even try to be one. I think this whole traditionalist wear skirts thing is assinine.
And there are some gay men in my life I want to have sex with, and I know some of them want to too, but we’re all being super shy with each other.
I went to this gay mens leather bar with some friends once and we got hassled at the door for our gender identity. I tried to talk with a friend about it and she just kind of dismissed it, she didn’t see why I would care about being excluded from male space. It was frustrating, and I remember it upset all of us who got hassled, and some of the guys I was with were passing really well.
I dunno, I will miss women only space, but it’s not mine anymore. It was fun, but I need to go spend time in more fully inclusive venues. Amber Dawn was fun to date just because she was creating a pan sexual open space for persons of all genders to romp and watch someone get fucked by a chair leg. I mean, that was super fun, so I thank her for starting File This and all it’s ongoing incarnations. I went to a lesbian leather party once and I felt so weird, so not my scene. I liked pansexual leather events better, it made more sense to me.
I think lesbians are cool though, because they do have the butch femme thing going on, some of them. And I did like hanging out with them, and I probably always will because they were some of my earliest friends. But gay men were also the ones who really supported me when I was an isolated openly queer teenager, and so I have an affinity for them. I like gay mens space, and gay men are fun to make out with and don’t mind being scandalous, and that’s kind of my speed. So if people wondered why I never wanted to date lesbians, it’s because my identity shuts me out from them. It doesn’t work and I know that because I dated a closet lesbian once and it got stupid.
But I don’t want to go through the medical route of being “treated” for my gender identity. I don’t want to have to access myself through the mental health system, and that’s where I would have to go to be assessed on the merits of my manhood. And I hate the mental health system, honestly!
I dunno though, I kind of think people are going to have a hard time using male pronouns for someone who stays in a very female body. I won’t be pissed if you still accidentally call me she, because I know it takes like, forever and a day to get used to alternate genders. And I know you might still call me Thirza, because you’re used to that too.
But my name is Sarain and I am a he. And it would be nice if people could start learning to respect that.
*** From Mirha-Soleil Ross***
To my fans everywhere,
Last evening was a special one. I had been wanting to jump on the scale for the last two weeks ‘cause I thought I had lost 10-20 pounds over the last month… Well, I actually gained another 10… I’m now 180 pounds, that’s at least 50 more pounds than last time any of you would have seen me in person. My huge mother has been slowly loosing weight over the last year and our bond is so powerful that every single pound she loses, I, mirha-soleil, la chair de sa chair, I gain… I’ve never seen her excited like that before, melting away, and singing that her magic’s operating, that her work is finally taking shape and mirroring her own image.
I must have an unusual psychiatric disorder ‘cause when I look at myself in the mirror, I see an emaciated, blême, sick-looking woman. Imagine the shock when I saw these pictures mon beau Karbou took of me last night… Well since he’s enjoying like never before the buffet à volonté, I concluded I made everyone happy and so decided to share a little of that happiness with all of you, my dedicated fans. The following shots offer even more glamour, more visual pleasure than before. Little Seamus, however, was not that amused. He says there’s nothing left to eat in the house, that it’s my fault, k’shu-saf, pis k’my fat ass ain’t something I should expect him to party about. I failed to get the slightest smile out of him. Ce sera pour la prochaine fois… ‘Til then, je pense à vous, avec une émotion… déscombobulante. Ricallez-vous l’adage de cette sage vieille naine, Madame Rose Ouellette La Poune…
« J’aim’mon’publik’passk’mon’publik’m’aim’… »
Ces mots d’amour, je les emprunte, ce soir, à Mam’-la-Poune, afin de vous les dédier, avec, encore une fois, toute la passion et la sincérité auxquelles je vous ai habituées.
C’mon Seamus, try a little harder…
Make your beautiful mommy happy by shooting them a big large smile…
Dans de telles circonstances, il faut garder la tête haute, et, surtout, rester digne !
En s’étirant à la verticale, on peut créer une parfaite illusion
de minceur, de beauté… L’élégance incarnée…
« No they won’t take away my DIGNEETEEEEEEEEEEEEE… because I stretch myself vertically like an old gomme baloune! »
Plus femme que ça tu meurs!
… s’cuze my French, mais ton flash y flash en tabarnak !
Si c’-tu voulas, c’tas m’pêter in pêtard en pleine face, t-r’as-dû me’l’dire, m’chra’amné une paire de shade !
Stay tuned for the NEXT INSTALLATION:
Le régime miracle aux p’tites cârottes de jardin
***
www.lagalipote.wordpress.com
www.lebestiaire.wordpress.com
I can’t seem to upload my video, and I need to, for you to understand this story completely. But I will try again. This is the only video I know that describes life in the Quiet Room, in maybe a way you might be able to finally comprehend. I don’t know if I can ever get my message across. Maybe.
I feel like I should come clean with most of what this blogging process over the last ten years has been about. I was interested in the idea of confessing because I wanted to chart a creative process. And I started following all the places that creative process took me. And some were very unusual places. Some things here are true. Some are not. The key is trying to learn how to discern which is which. Some things are not even necessary to think about. I wanted to see if putting myself under surveillance for ten years would make me GO to certain places I needed to go. And I think they did, in a funny way. I’ve had a strange ten year journey. I did deal a lot in archtypal imagery, because The Hero’s Journey always uses archetypes. It’s the foundation of all story telling. I wanted to find out what my own Hero’s Journey would be.
And it was a strange journey. It went odd places. It made a spiritual awakening into a spiritual emergency. The emergency is over. It’s actually back at a gentle rhythm that is more easily corralled. It got weird again because I did get frozen in the middle of a spiritual emergency, and all those massive archetypal forces came pouring back out. That’s the way it works. I did burn all my stuff, and I’m not burning this but I am ready to hand the reins over to the people. I have various creative folks in my life who are interested in talking about deep thoughts that form their practice. It’s for them that I have gone this far out. I wanted to make a high profile place for them to talk about being gifted and creative and the issues involved in all kinds of things. And they probably won’t go many of the places I went. They have their own places to go. And that’s good, they are ready for that. And I am ready to quit being an online director and go back to the mundane business of writing feature screenplays in the privacy of my own home. But I was curious you know, what would show up if I voluntarily put my creative process gibberish online. And some of it is gibberish. And some of it makes sense. And you get to decide which, which is the point.
I did finish my positive disintegration, it’s over, I’m at secondary and I have a moral code I didn’t have before. And that’s a good thing. And maybe other people have also found their own moral codes. But I was healing from psych meds, and I did have an abusive time in the psych ward, and I do have a sense of spirituality. And I am relearning who I am. I’ve carried other people’s stories because I felt I needed to protect them or something. But they aren’t my stories at all. They’re cosmic stories because we have had to go through a cosmic journey. And now, other people get to direct that journey. And I am retiring from this blog. But I do want to see my friends take it over, I think they have all kinds of interesting things to say, because they have inspired me in many ways.
You know why I went this far? Honestly, because I knew I could. I knew this turned into just me being a director and seeing what happened, and showing a creative process and seeing what happened with that. I know I’m going to just be an auteur director and needed to put my name way out there. But I do like festivals over covert agents. Film festivals are awesome. And I am ready to rejoin the land of the bizarrely talented artists again. I think I worked through everyone else’s stories and I am ready to go back and find my own. And my story, honestly, is just another vampire movie. I like vampires, I can’t help it. They are fascinating figures. I learned everything I felt I needed to learn and said everything I felt I needed to say. And now, some other people can start talking. And some of the things they say will make more sense to people now, because they didn’t carry everyone’s story with them. I don’t know what these people will say, I think they have their own plans. And I do think we need a Soteria house, definitely, because we need a safe place for these emergencies. And I’m glad my emergency is over. I’m glad to just be a regular human.
But really, I think people did need to see what a creative process looks like. And this is what that process looks like. It’s messy, bizarre, outrageous, silly, and some of it may be totally true. But honestly, you’re going to have to discern truth for yourself, because I can’t do it for you. And that’s cool.
I do hope you like my movie, when I finish it. I have a bunch I am planning, and some are dark and some are funny and some are just things I have noticed about the world. I’m going to miss writing in this blog, but I know other people are also having Fits of Pique. And they have a place to have them.