I probably won’t post here while I’m in London because I’ll be busy or tired. But tomorrow night I go to London! Super exciting. I did laundry today and took out my trash. And bought a bunch of Clif bars for the trip in case we are doing something and I suddenly get hangry. They’re kind of the easiest thing for me to maintain my appetite needs since I got on T, you just open them and eat them and you don’t have to worry for a while.

In Animal Crossing there’s all these apple trees on my island and sometimes I eat the apples after I pick them but also I don’t know if it really does anything for my character. He’s very underfed honestly, usually I sell his apples. Manzanas!

I’ve been doing Duolingo Spanish for the last week and a bit and I got really far with it the other day and did like, ten lessons! It was a lot. I ended up number 1 on the Ruby League leaderboard. I’m gonna fuck up my statistics while I am away tho, probably lose my streak. Unless I can keep it up just before bed. I think I’m at eight or nine days in a row which isn’t a lot but it’s at least something.

I tried to set up a hook up before I leave town tomorrow, and this guy seemed kinda ok but now I found out he doesn’t kiss so my interest went from 75% to 0%. I don’t know, if you’re going to stick your dick in me you should be able to use your tongue too. Maybe that’s just me. Kissing is the best part! Ugh. So nevermind.

Anyway hopefully I will post at least something from London. It depends how much free time I have I guess!

I had my first chest massage yesterday. It was so cool. I’d just been talking with my therapist on Monday about not feeling someone’s hands on my chest, and then my massage therapist offered to do a massage for my chest so I said yes. And it was great! I could feel all the pressure which made me feel more at home in my body. Not like a body that is still numb from surgery, even though my nipples are still numb. He also said my surgeon did a good job which is true! It was nice to get complimented.

Anyway London is coming so soon! Saturday we leave! It is a LATE plane flight, almost midnight here when I leave. And when we arrive it will be noon! I haven’t been in a few years so I’m excited.

Also my grants are in, I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I can still worry I guess but I can’t do anything about it. I hope the research part of it makes sense, it’s mostly all research and scriptwriting. AHHHHH. But also I just hope I conveyed the idea well enough.

I wish we had Universal Basic Income. I am getting paid for a thing I’ve done, but it was taking a while to come. Now it’s coming on Friday which is a relief because it means I won’t be totally broke in London. I will be able to buy their overpriced food!

I’ve been trying to increase my protein consumption. It seems to be working, I think I’m getting bigger muscles. They are still small but they are bigger than before T.

Ahh I don’t know what else to report. I have some screenings coming up, the one at BFI London Film Festival on the 13th, and KIN is finally premiering at ImagineNATIVE this month on the 20th at 6:30pm I hope the screenings go well! I’m also doing an Artist talk with my Mom in Nelson this month. I also have a screening coming up in Buenos Aires which I intend to be there for. I’m just like, last minute trying to figure out how to get money to buy this plane ticket. It’s constantly like that. I’m getting nervous because it’s harder to find the flights that go through Brazil instead of Miami. I’m pretty sure no one would bother me if I DID pee in the men’s room in Miami because I am more passable. BUT it’s still anxiety inducing and I would still have to go through the USA Border there. There’s also some flights through Texas though that might be ok. Really I want to go through Sao Paolo though and skip the states entirely.

ANYWAY we’ll see what happens. I just have to trust that things will work out.

I kind of knew this month would be a write off for actively working on creative projects, just because of all the traveling. I don’t know, I feel like I need a moment of stillness to work in, and the energy around multiple flights in a month gets really chaotic. I have noticed I’ve been more responsible with my money now that it is at a low point still from not being able to work during surgery recovery. Like I used to gamble more, and now I don’t when I know I can’t afford it. And I have these playsmart limits on my gambling site and the couple of times I’ve deposited money I haven’t gone anywhere near the limit, just like, 30 bucks once in a while. So that makes me feel good. And I’ve bought more of my groceries myself instead of getting them delivered. And I eat more of them too because I’m only buying staples that I need because I can’t carry a lot. It’s such poor person living ha ha. But I did live on extremely limited funds for a long time before my career began to help me actually earn a living, so it’s not awful. I have enough to eat. And today I got a cheque so I could get an iced capp which is nice.

Tomorrow I get paid for real, which is just in time to pay someone back and also for London. I have more money coming in the future hopefully, $1066 for sure when I’m back from London, and possibly 5500 from two travel grants but we’ll see. I have to pay my Mom my half of the Airbnb for London also though, which would come out of the travel grant. AHHH math ha ha. So really some of that travel grant money just goes in the hole. Which is the point really.

How else am I doing? I don’t know, fine I guess. My chest feels really good finally, although I still need to get this seroma drained and it’s gonna have to wait another week and a bit. It might be absorbing again tho, who knows! BUT my scar care is going well and my chest is settling into a nice form. My scar is thin in most places but one pec has a bit of a lumpy spot on the scar under my nipple. It might smooth out, who knows! I feel like my scars are like children, like I can do what I can to help them turn out ok, but in the end they are gonna do what they want. I’m doing massage with scar gel and then most of the day wearing silicone scar strips. They are a lot less pink already which is nice. It’s only been like, three weeks of scar care. It would be great if I didn’t have to do it for a super long time. I’m just gonna go until I feel I can live with them. But really they are pretty nice.

Anyway that’s about all from me for today. I am doing a drawing a day for October so I should go do that.

It’s less than a week until I go to London! Very exciting. I still haven’t gotten my Buenos Aires plane ticket, and that makes me nervous. Cash flow issues are like, just constant. And we still don’t know for sure if we got the travel grant to go to London, and I don’t expect to hear about the Buenos Aires travel grant until November. So it’s a ways away. Being an artist basically means fronting the money and hoping the grant comes through. So far I’ve gotten them. But it’s a little nerve wracking anyway.

I’m healing well but I got to go in this week to get a seroma in my left pec drained again. I hope I can get in otherwise I have to wait until I’m back from London. It doesn’t really hurt but it’s pretty noticeable to me when I press on it and I don’t want to fool around with someone and have them feel up my pec and notice it’s acting like a waterbed. The right pec is amazing tho, no issues.

I haven’t had anyone but myself feel up my pecs yet! It’s kind of exciting, it will be a new feeling. Some of the sensation in my chest is coming back. Not so much the nipples, but other places that were numb are less numb.

I went back to the gym yesterday and did all my regular machines but tried to do lighter weights to start. So far so good. I did a 50lb row though and had to quit because it was too much. BUT the rest of it, weights and cardio, went excellently.

I’m nearly done this giant grant I’ve been fussing with for days and days. It’s not a giant grant but the project is giant and will go on for more years and I’m trying to give this poor research creation grant the best chances. I think it’s a good grant. I’m gonna read it over again tomorrow and do more edits, and hopefully attach a bio I am missing right now. It’s interesting material and should be really beautiful. Also I got a killer letter of support so I’m hoping that tips the scales in my favour. BUT also, it’s not a huge grant and I’m going to have to pick up other gigs like usual to keep going this next year if I get it. Which is fine I would do that anyway, but it is a little lean.

I’m excited to travel this month. Posey is leaving me on Friday until November! I’m gonna miss that little banana. She’s glued to me right now having a late night nap.

I got my rent cheque in but again this month I actually need to do some scrambling to make sure I can cover it. I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for a few days because he notoriously doesn’t cash the cheques for a while. But it’s still stressful.

I remember when I tried to be on welfare and they found out how much my rent was (which was like, $900 or something at the time) and the welfare worker was like “You’ll have to move.” I didn’t though I just got on subsidized rent for a while. BUT also welfare expects people to be able to find housing for like, 500 bucks a month and it’s really unrealistic. A lot of funders and employers are unrealistic too actually. I don’t know when Canada Council last upped their living allowance, it’s been at $2000 a month for a LONG time. And places only cover very small amounts for hotel rooms when hotel rooms are pricey too.

I’m sure everyone notices that though.

I’m trying to be open to love! I feel like sometimes I look closed off to it. But I am trying! Maybe I’m just investing in my career right now instead of a relationship.

Tomorrow is therapy! I’m excited because I missed seeing her last week because she was out of her office. But now I only see her tomorrow and one other day in Oct because of travels and such so I want to make it count. Last time in therapy I just complained about money but I don’t feel like it got me anywhere. I would like to talk more about my transition and stuff tomorrow I think. I keep bringing up this old sad quasi relationship I had in therapy and I just feel like damn she must be so sick of hearing about this. I know I pay her to listen though but still she could see it was gonna be a bad scene from the very beginning and now I just keep hashing it out and trying to understand why I’m still thinking about it.

It’s been three years of working with my therapist! Our first consultation to see if we could work together was in 2020! Online! And we were online for a long time, until last year in the fall. I still sometimes see her online if I’m sick or like, just after surgery. But I like seeing her in person. And her office is set up to be really COVID safe and I was even in there with COVID one time (I tested positive the next day I didn’t go in knowingly having COVID) and she didn’t get it and neither did her clients that day. So that’s a good sign.

I’m trying to get the new COVID vaccine but the pharmacy doesn’t have it yet. Technically I should be ok because I had it in May, but also I would like to be vaccinated again.

I’m excited to be nearly done this grant. After this I have one more grant to write, then between travels and writing a budget and a moodboard for another project, I will just be scriptwriting and finishing off my lesbian vampire video game. I’m hoping to release it soon! I should have timed it for an OCT release tho, Halloween themed games are cute. There’s no pumpkins in it though and vampires are cool any time of the year.

I started learning Spanish today, which seems kind of silly considering I haven’t finished ANY of my other Duolingo lesson trees. I know a lot of German now. French I already had a head start on from being Canadian. I’ve forgotten most of Scottish Gaelic except sometimes I can still translate pub names that are in Gaelic. I barely scratched Portuguese. BUT now I’m moving right on to learning Spanish so I can get around Buenos Aires next month. I so far learned to say man woman boy girl apples milk water bread. So I will at least be able to talk about a couple of genders and ages and eat bread milk water and apples. TBH tho there were a lot of Spanish words I already knew just from hearing them around. Like, I am pretty sure I could order an empanada no problemo.

It is kind of funny that two kinds of intense weather patterns are basically called Little Boy, Little Girl. I’ve never really thought about it before.

Anyway it’s still early in my Duolingo lessons, AND I have to travel two other places first this October so I’ll be really busy and trying to squeeze in times to learn.

I’m really enjoying my new chest. If I could make it better I would have bigger pecs tho, and I can’t work out my pec muscles for a little while longer. I mean I could but I don’t want to stretch my scars. I have full range of motion again which is great, I’m just so nervous about working that area as hard as I worked out before. Although I’ve heard I could do weight exercises that don’t include raising my arms above my head. I don’t know, to be honest everyone seems to have different ideas of how soon you can do weights after top surgery. I’m not gonna do bench presses until November at the earliest, but maybe I could start doing push ups again, I don’t know.

I didn’t realize I would like going to the gym this much until I got on testosterone. Like seeing gains is really motivating, and even having the energy to do life stuff AND still want to go work out is incredible. I definitely didn’t have this much energy before testosterone.

I’m starting to get used to being single finally. I think I was fighting it on an interior emotional level. But being single while I’ve been transitioning has been really good for me. I read all these stories from other trans guys whose partners are being manipulative and talking them down from making major steps in their transitions and it’s really depressing. I’m worried I would have been too influenced by trying to hang on to some kind of love, even a toxic love, that I would have stopped taking T, or decided against getting top surgery just for someone else who isn’t me and who might not even be around my whole life. I’m glad I took steps based only on what I needed to make myself happy in my body. Because the only for sure person who is gonna be here my whole lifetime is myself.

Also though I’m sure there’s great things about having a partner, but I have a particular freedom I think I take for granted. Like my life decisions even beyond transition only affect me. Like decisions around moving and money and stuff like that. And living alone is great, it’s very stable. I’ve been here since 2015 living on my own and it’s amazing, I am settled in my ways. And I can hyperfocus on projects and no one feels neglected.

I’m open to love but also not really feeling the vibe right now. Like I keep opening these apps and swipey swiping on people but I’m not really into continuing a long conversation for some reason. I think I should probably give it a rest until I can actually interact properly. I’m probably more open to people I already know, because at least we’ve spoken in some meaningful way and maybe belong to some of the same communities. I know I probably belong to a lot of the same communities as people on the apps tho.

I found out a couple (ok a few more than a couple) friends know my therapist, or PROBABLY know my therapist. And my therapist was really straight up with me when we started that we belonged to the same community so we probably had some friends in common. And the good news is none of the ones I suspect are people I am super super close to. It’s just awkward. I hope we never have some kind of mutual connection that is too close where we have to stop working together, because she is really awesome and has helped me get through some really negative things and patterns etc. Especially because if I dated someone too close to her it probably wouldn’t even work out because none of my relationships have worked out so far and so it would suck if I was ever in a situation of losing my therapist because I dated someone for two months. OH MAN that would suck. Luckily though it hasn’t happened so far.

Fears of things that never happen! I am also afraid a mouse is gonna run down the spout of my kettle and drown in there and then I’ll make mouse water for my oatmeal the next day. HORRIBLE THINGS!

Anyway, life is back to normal so work takes up most of my days again. Today was a heavy admin day, not as creative. But I did figure out an issue I was having with my video which I am prepared to fix now. I also got a lot of fees and payments today that let me pay my cleaner, therapist, internet and phone bill, put a sad but symbolic amount on the visa, and late tonight I got an artist fee that let me finally buy my plane ticket to London UK next month. I was getting super anxious about the plane ticket because I know prices get higher the closer to the date it is. So I totally lucked out and got an okay priced economy ticket with Air Canada who is hopefully not as sketch as they can be.

So it’s official now! I am going to London! We have a place to stay but I need to raise enough to pay the other half of the Airbnb. I know Airbnb sucks but this guy actually lives there most of the time so it’s not AS bad as some places. I hope not anyway! I’m excited because I haven’t been to London since before the pandemic. Like, 2019. SO LONG AGO so much has happened! A whole pandemic unfolded globally AND I transitioned, so I am returning a very different person in a very different time.

23andMe says some of my genes are from Greater London. I knew I had Scottish ancestors but the Greater London genes kind of surprised me. Sometimes I wish I knew all of the people in the past who combined genes to one day make me. I think the diversity of all those people makes it even more cool. I have Mongolian DNA and my Grandpa also had Mongolian DNA so I know where it comes from in my family. It’s kind of cool to think of ancient Mongolians traveling on to become Crees. I know this is a contentious subject though that makes people upset, but that’s just been what the DNA test said, two different tests and Grandpa’s was with the big Genome project. So I believe it. I do still think Crees were clearly in Canada for a long time. Like thousands of years.

Tomorrow is this Canada wide protest against trans and queer people in schools but it’s like, basically overall an anti-LGBTQ2S protest. And there’s obviously counter-protestors and so I wish I could counter-protest with them but at the same time I feel pretty obviously trans. And the counter-protestors are telling people to go with a friend and leave with a friend for safety and that people are taking pics and doxxing people. And I have very identifiable tattoos also and I have a large online presence so I’d just rather avoid it. I’ve been concerned though because I still want people in power to know how I feel. So I’m going to take some time in the morning to write to various politicians and stuff to explain my concerns. I know it’s just a small way of being heard, but I’m hoping it makes a difference. I might do an email but I also know written letters can make an impact, so in the morning I will decide if I want to do written or email. It might not help, but it might, I don’t know. It would be better than being silent, and better than being in harm’s way too.

I wish I didn’t have to be afraid. I was telling my friend today that transitioning has been such a source of joy and the only hard parts about it have been the hateful cis people. Like, literally no part of my medical transition has made me unhappy. I just get treated like shit because of it sometimes and that makes me resentful. I don’t know why cis people want to make us the problem when it’s obviously the other way around.

Not all cis people are transphobic though. Some cis people have even been involved in my medical transition. It’s just this very vocal minority of cis people who are trying to be super hateful who suck.

All this being said, I am aware that the UK has it’s own particular brand of transphobia that I might be walking into next month. I guess we’ll see!

My chest is officially healed and I got the all clear from my surgeon to go back to regular activities. SO I got to cancel all the future helping shifts and now I can take out my own trash and do my own laundry and walk my own dog! I’m gonna miss seeing people all the time tho, so I hope I can get back to being social.

Here is my beautiful chest! The surgeon said my nipples were cute and they are! I was so concerned about how they would turn out but they turned out amazing!

I’m really so happy with how it looks. I know it still has to settle into itself a bit, and the nurse said it would be 8 months to a year before I see how it really is gonna look. But fuck am I ever glad to be out of that binder. I was so tired of it, and it reminded me of always wearing a bra only it had to be on overnight too so definitely awful.

She did have to drain the two seromas I got, so that was an awkward experience, just trying not to look at this giant syringe sucking out this sad red liquid. Ugh! I can watch the needle for blood draws, but watching that didn’t even cross my mind, I knew it would be too much. And I don’t feel like fainting. And omg there was A LOT. But wow did my chest ever feel better after, no more internal pressure of all that fluid.

Anyway, I celebrated by going to see a TIFF film (The New Boy), and had a bath for the first time in weeks and had a joint for the first time in months! Not since July! I really loved all of it. I finally washed my nipples more than just letting soapy water run over them. And then I just sat in the tub running my soapy hands over my chest and feeling really happy and thinking “mine!” It was really getting to me, I don’t know. These past weeks of healing have been super hard and sometimes I would forget why I was sad or grumpy and then remember I’m healing and at the time had a bunch of restrictions. I can sleep on my stomach again! I sent a text to an old hookup to tell them I was cleared to go back to regular life so maybe I can have sex again soon too!

I’m also doing better at cleaning my house in between when the cleaner comes. Like ok, if anyone dropped by unannounced it would prob still look messy. But generally I go through and clean it ongoing, so I must be improving. I have more energy for things like that too so I am glad I can go back to regular chores.

They said I healed really well, so now I’m just doing scar care which involves this gel and massage and she said I could get silicone strips. I’m not too worried about scars BUT ALSO I know if they were more faded I wouldn’t get clocked so easy in the locker room.

I am going back to the gym in the next couple of weeks and probably starting really light and maybe only with cardio but I am gonna start going to the men’s locker room. I’m hoping it will be fine. I’ve had to use the women’s locker room when the all gender locker room is filled with kids, and that makes me feel way more awkward. So I’m just gonna do the men’s now. I don’t know if I will pack to make myself seem more cis. I kind of don’t want to because my packers are huge and I leave them home when I worry people will think I’m a pervert. Which is maybe sad and self-hating. Maybe I need a special gym packer. BUT ALSO it’s like, the gayest YMCA in Toronto and they’d probably know exactly why my chest has scars so they probably won’t care.

What else? Some people started offering me gigs so that is super helpful. I can work again for sure and hopefully will be doing three work trips next month, one to London UK for BFI, one to Nelson BC, and one to Buenos Aires Argentina. That’s a lot of work trips! But I’m glad to have some adventures in before I have to stay put while my name change goes through.

Anyway I am really happy to just feel a t shirt on now. Like right on my skin with no bra or binder under it. Free! I’ve realized so many of my shirts are baggy though, and I thought that was because I was chubby but now I recognize a lot of it was to do with dysphoria from having a chest I wasn’t happy with. So now I want tight himbo shirts! I want to show off my body more. I hid it for so long because it didn’t fit me, and now it does.

I’m still having cash flow issues, so that is stressing me out. I don’t know why people take so fucking long to pay artists but it’s not fun. I’m relieved I had a relative to borrow rent money from or I’d have been evicted by now. But also now I owe them money and the money I was gonna use to pay them back is still at least two weeks away from getting deposited so that is really frustrating. And I have some other money coming but not until the 19th. So it’s just a lot of frustrating waiting and bothering my friends to see who can lend me money for scar cream tomorrow. I hate always asking for money from people.

BUT if you want you can donate to my gofundme here.

Anyway yeah, I’m so tired of people assuming artists have a teaching career to live off of because some of us ARE full time artists and need to keep a regular cash flow going.

I’m buying lottery tickets again because I’m so tired of being poor. I’m not ALWAYS poor but I guess I am right now. I just wish I didn’t have to ask people for money anymore.

I did have enough eggs and cheese and butter for cheesy scrambled eggs today though. And I sold my last stocks to try and get money but it probably won’t be available until Monday and even then it was only like, 113 bucks. But that’s still more than I have now. And it will honestly probably go to therapy. And I don’t want to go back to therapy every two weeks because I was getting somewhere having it once a week. Anyway. I am supposed to get an artist fee that will pay the rent for October and hopefully give me enough to buy a plane ticket to London. I hate how money just disappears so fast though.

We got a weird answer from Telefilm when we applied for funding where it was like “we would love to give you money but we don’t have enough but if we get more it’s yours” and they are supposed to give us an answer by November 20th but honestly I’m losing hope because it’s already the middle of September with no word.

I do have grants I am working on, but also the grants are getting harder to get because they don’t have the same money they had during COVID. So that is a bit frustrating and I don’t know my chances on getting any of them. I got turned down for a Toronto Arts Council grant last year and honestly I’m probably applying for that project again but I guess I need to punch it up or something? It’s just my trans video. I’m trying to make it interesting and I don’t know what to do to make it MORE. I mean obviously there’s a growing tide of transphobic fascism and I should probably talk about that, especially since it’s now coming into Canada.

The Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe has decided if he has to he is going to suspend the Charter of Rights and Freedoms to make sure “parental rights” to abuse their trans children are legal. So that fucking sucks. Someone told me trans people were safer here because of the Charter but I guess not! I know they are coming after children right now (which is disgusting) but they are also going to switch to trans adults soon too. Already the federal Conservative party is going to discriminate against trans women in terms of who is allowed in women’s spaces. So they aren’t in power federally but they are in power provincially like Scott Moe, the fucking bully.

The thing that makes me feel better is seeing how many people in the Saskatchewan subreddit talking about how the Sask Party is embarrassing and making them look like hill billy rednecks and that they don’t want to vote for them. But at the same time I don’t really have a lot of hope for my home province. And even the province I am in now is being run by a conservative crook who steals land like all the other colonizers.

ANYWAY blah I am obviously in a bad mood today but also that’s mostly because I’m poor and waiting for people to pay me, and people don’t want to pay me. Or they do but in a matter of days/weeks/months when they get around to it. Or maybe never!

Healing is still going well! Things are improving every day. But also I’m really so ready to be done with healing. I am seeing the nurse on Friday for my four week follow up and hopefully get the go-ahead to get out of the binder for good. BUT also I am still a bit fluid filled and so I’m worried they are gonna say I have to keep it on for a while longer until that part is absorbed. I guess I’ll find out! One swollen section is diminishing and looking more like the other side, so that’s good. It’s a long process really. And also like, even tho it was a very wanted surgery, it’s also still a traumatic experience to have any kind of major surgery, so there’s a lot that has to settle down.

I was checking my chest today before putting gauze and the binder back on and I can start feeling the stubble of chest hair coming in. It’s kind of trippy! ALSO I had kind of forlornly given up on body hair, but puberty DOES take a number of years and so I guess this is my timeline. It could also be that top surgery sparked some hair growth while that whole area is healing. It’s fascinating.

Transitioning is really an amazing experience with many positive points. It’s depressing that people are trying to use it to achieve political ends by restricting who can access it or banning it entirely.

I don’t know that I’ve spoken much on my blog about how I feel about the political climate right now around trans rights and gender affirming health care. Clearly it affects me. I was looking into flying to South America for a gig and realized I would need to go through Sao Paolo instead of Miami because I don’t even know if I could use the bathroom in Florida when I have to pass through customs and get to my connecting flight. My ability to travel the world has always been restricted because of LGBTQ laws in certain countries, but now it’s closer and in the USA that I am having troubles.

AND ALSO now Canadians are coming up with those laws too. Of course the whole anti-trans legislation thing is a long range plan by evangelical Christians, the lowest of the low. And it’s going to lead to broader laws against LGBTQ2S people and women and BIPOC people. AND ALSO it’s being used as a distraction so we don’t attack the actual issue affecting all of us, Climate Change. Because lets be honest, climate change is coming for all of us. There is nothing that will protect us from climate disasters, especially when governments are more interested in picking on a tiny minority instead of actually standing up against fossil fuel industries.

I used to try and give audiences hope. But seeing people constantly fall for these right wing grifts using my identity as some kind of “controversial” hot topic issue is demoralizing. You know what I actually think? Fascism is gonna run rampant again and we are all going to die from climate change. I feel responsible to give hope when I talk to people about the future. But people are falling for fascism and transphobia is a real easy entry level ideology to become in love with fascism. Transphobia sells. Bigotry sells. The people with the money are just trying to make trans people the enemy to hide from the fact that they are largely responsible for ruining the earth for the next generation, and sitting on their asses trying to make the most money until they die or move to fuckin Mars.

Trans people are not your enemies. They are using us and distracting you. And you know what? If you are in favour of all these transphobic policies, maybe your house should fucking burn down and you should be flooded and you should just go to the hell you preach about so much.

Not my readers tho I know you’re generally cool.

Yesterday was a fucking HARD DAY omg. I don’t know why it was so hard on so many fronts. Besides writing that sad broken heart overshare, I also had some conflict and then got upset with how few people are signing up to come help me in the next few weeks. I mean people ARE helping me and have helped me, but also I was looking at the calendar and there were lots of times no one was gonna come help me walk Posey or do laundry or drive me to my appointment. The laundry and the ride is figured out now but I felt pretty distressed and shitty and then I felt ungrateful for asking for more help. And there were definitely times no one signed up this week for walks, some people did tho but there’s still days that totally got skipped when Posey and I were stuck at home. I can’t walk her by myself because she gets excited and pulls and she’s a strong dog and I can’t really handle that after top surgery yet. I do follow my friends when we go for a walk because she doesn’t want to go without me, but someone has to hold the leash. Anyway I think things just overloaded me and I felt really distressed and cried a bunch. And now I just have that weird shitty feeling the day after big emotions where I feel guilty for feeling shitty.

And I guess obviously I also feel bad for still being broken hearted when this person has completely removed themselves from my life. Like why haven’t I been able to just get over it? It’s no use beating myself up about it but yeah, I feel shitty about my feelings over all.

And I think some of it is just being bipolar makes me feel shitty about my emotions and feelings because I’ve been taught that having big emotions is a terrible thing and we are all supposed to be good little capitalist automatons who don’t cry or bitch or whine and if someone is mean to us we just smile like it doesn’t matter. And I’m sorry but I cannot. I cannot!

At the same time I feel guilty for having any kind of feelings that aren’t “positive.” And I guess also healing from a major surgery is hard and can be isolating and it’s just hard to keep up being happy and friendly and everything when I’m in survival mode.

Today I had an edible and yesterday I was not on any thc so I’m hoping it helps me feel a bit better. But also I just feel guilty like Alice and like damn I wish I hadn’t cried so much.

I’m sure anyone who has been reading my blog for long enough knows there’s an ex I’m kind of stuck on and it deeply frustrates me because they don’t want to talk to me at all. Also they live almost 4200km away from me and also they seem to have entirely wiped me from their memory. And also I might have criticized their other partner who I wasn’t impressed by. Generally I try to stay out of saying things about my lovers/friends other lovers/partners but in this case I don’t know, I guess I felt like I needed to say something although it was not received well. It went really badly in fact which is why they don’t talk to me anymore. And like, given the chance I guess I would try to shut up about it if we spoke again. BUT ALSO I didn’t like the way this ex was being treated by their partner and I guess it was killing me not to say anything. Especially when I would have treated them so differently.

BUT ANYWAY I’m really doing all the things to try to move on. I unfriended them on Facebook because seeing them show up on my friends list in the chat window when they wouldn’t talk to me at all was AGONIZING and I just dreaded every time I logged on. And also because I would get the little green dot when they were online and they were online a lot and that was also brutal. It just became similar to walking past someone’s house and seeing their light on so you know they are still alive. But also feeling like a stalker because why was I looking for the green dot? And that sucked because then I would look for the green dot but also still not be able to talk to them because I was forbidden. In retrospect I don’t know why they didn’t unfriend me first since they refused to talk to me for months and months before I finally gave up and unfriended them. Even though it broke my heart and I cried and cried even tho by then I was already on T which makes crying hard. I guess I can still cry when it counts.

I don’t know why I’m writing this on my blog. Maybe in case they read this and want to know why I unfriended them. Because it wasn’t like I ever hated them or anything, it was just to try and get over them. And it didn’t work in the end, although at least I am not dreading looking at my Facebook anymore. So I don’t really regret unfriending them for that reason. I am sad that they responded by blocking me though. I didn’t know that for months though because I avoided looking them up for a long time. And then I found out I was blocked and that was like another knife in my heart.

I mean really also the main problem is that I was in love with them and they had no feelings for me. My therapist says she doesn’t think feelings are creepy. But I have a nemesis who DOES think feelings are creepy and was trying to spread some rumour that I was an abuser and a stalker, so maybe that also motivated me to unfriend my ex. This sounds so much messier than it really is.

When I was at the Flaherty Seminar a professor from a university in my ex’s city was talking about wanting to bring me out there to do a screening and talk and I was just like oh man. I’m sure that would go over so well. I mostly just travel to where I am wanted, but being wanted by the university in a city where I am unwanted by my ex seems pretty dodgy. I don’t know if I could handle that. Also I am doing a name change this winter though so I will be unable to travel until it’s complete and I have my new passport.

I really wish I could say I totally let go and moved on and don’t think of them anymore. That’s a happier end to the story. But the real ending is just that I still miss them every day and wish they would talk to me again. And I think at this point that I just really fell in love with them for real and I have to live with that now. I don’t think they treated me very well though. And even if they did suddenly have feelings we would have to work through a lot to get to some kind of relationship. I would put in the work, but considering they haven’t spoken to me in months and months it seems dubious that they would ever want to put in the work.

So I’m kind of in this shitty feeling about love. It just seems very useless to me right now, I don’t know if I will ever fall in love again, or if I do if I would finally fall in love with someone who feels the same way about me. I was all having an interesting time with casual Grindr sex, but it’s also a poor substitute for genuine emotions. I am in therapy for all of this (and I had a pattern of having unrequited love that I was working on in therapy before I even met my ex) and in some ways we are progressing and in other ways it’s just like I’m stuck. I’m stuck! I don’t know how to get unstuck. I was doing an unknotting spell to try and get over them, and I have never done a spell about them before but this was like, my last ditch effort to try and move on. And it’s almost done, I just have to bury it in the garden. But fuck I don’t know if anything is ever gonna work. And I feel like a loser for still having feelings for someone who probably doesn’t even think about me anymore.

Could I contact them? Yes, I know a few ways I could. Like I never deleted their phone number (I did put a broken heart in their name in my phone tho). BUT they told me not to so I won’t. I did send a message when I unfriended them, but they didn’t even bother to read it. And it’s not like it was a mean message at all, but they will never know what it says because they will never read it and honestly they are the most stubborn person I have ever met so I don’t see that changing. I don’t know anything about their life right now, and that’s fine I guess. If I had stayed friends with them I could have kept trying to piece together what was up with them based on their sporadic vague Facebook posts, but that’s gone now and I guess it’s for the best. Really I just need to keep going with my life and see what happens to me. Because I could meet someone I fall even deeper in love with. I mean right now it seems doubtful, but I don’t know the future.

I do know that it’s probably a really bad idea to have a relationship with someone who can cut me off like this and not talk to me. Like how would we have ever solved relationship conflict? I mean we can’t even solve this and they aren’t open to me at all. I felt like we could have been really compatible, but I guess I was wrong considering how this all unfolded. I know sometimes people get over exes by nurturing hate for them. But when I think of them I just think of such soft sweetness they were capable of and I can’t honestly hate them.

When I think about the last time we spoke on zoom I feel like a dick. I was so anxious because I wanted to talk to them about what was going on and I kind of interrupted them and I feel like they didn’t realize how much I respected them and wanted to hear their thoughts. I feel regret for not being open enough with them that they could have seen my messy gooey emotional insides and realized how compatible we were. Because they were really open in a beautiful way that I was having trouble with on my end. I regret the things I held back that could have helped them see who I really was. And mostly I regret that I didn’t get to say I love you out loud, only in a message and only when it was way too late. Only when they were already out the door. And really I feel so cheap because after all that they never loved me and even told me as much. And I can’t change anything anymore about what happened. And I can’t work on it with them at all because that door is closed. It’s the most futile feeling and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’ve tried everything to fix it and it’s just pointless. I can’t make them talk to me again and I definitely can’t make them love me. Like that sad Bonnie Raitt song!

Anyway this is really just a long overshare sad blog entry and maybe if my ex ever googles me they will find it. I miss you and I wish you would come back and I know you won’t.