Persephone on a Day Pass

It’s been about four days on this homeopathic medicine and I have a clear head like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like all the muzzy that was there is gone. And I still have emotional moments, but they seem less oppressive. I bawled during Brokeback Mountain, but I think that’s normal, I didn’t cry a tear last time I saw it when I was on Zyprexa, I felt like maybe I should, but I didn’t. I thought about a friend I was fighting with and sniffled but then it went away. I still get angry but it doesn’t seem overwhelming. I have a sudden fondness for 80’s music, but I don’t think that’s really relevant. I feel less overwhelmed with things, I can see how to approach large tasks in smaller, more managable pieces. My problem solving skills have improved. I feel very silly and goofy again, which is how I usually am, and lucky for me no one’s bringing up the Mania word just because I’m in a good mood. I’m having soft fuzzy day dreams about submission, which is cute, they’re like little fluffy clouds of pervy fantasy drifting through my daily life. Ooo, there goes another one! It looks like me on my knees in a collar, aw. How cute.

And the immune system stuff is, holy crap. I haven’t had ONE sore throat in the morning since I started my medication, and my nose barely ever runs whereas before it just went CONSTANTLY. So that has impressed me. Maybe I will survive the coming pandemics after all.

I was reading about the head injury medication I’m taking, it said it’s indicated for people who don’t like to talk and have a hard time keeping from shooting themselves in the head. I had to laugh, that is SO me, oh my god. It’s nice to laugh about one’s own lemming tendencies. Now I just wish I didn’t have to pee so damn much.

I missed a doctors appointment. I’ve decided it’s time to talk to her about quitting my medication. I’m nervous about it. It feels almost like breaking up. I hope she’ll agree to work with me on getting off meds, because she is one of the most awesome doctors I’ve had. I don’t want to have to dump her because she doesn’t agree. I think she will though. I’m not even having seizures, I haven’t spaced out in a while, and usually it happens a few times a day. I don’t hear things. I’m not obsessively ruminating. It’s like, EVERYTHING is gone. This has never happened on allopathic medicine. I’m sure there’s still some oddness, but jesus, it’s so different. It’s like being Persephone on a day pass.

It really does feel like a kind of liberation. It’s nice to not have all of those negative things attached to me, and to be able to think and feel clearly. It’s nice to not have side effects. And it’s a huge relief to think I might not ever need to go back to the psychiatric system, for anything! Jesus christ, what a fraudulent branch of medicine. I read somewhere that a psychiatrist suddenly said “Oh my god, people don’t trust us because we’re taking bribes and kickbacks from the pharmaceutical industry! We have to stop it!” Ha ha, too late. He said they were seen as employees of the pharm industry. Well they are! I dunno, I mostly don’t want the bipolar label because I don’t want to be prey for the psych industry anymore. I wouldn’t mind being bipolar if it didn’t come along with psychiatric intervention. But it does, so I don’t want to use that word to describe myself anymore. I’m much happier with TLE, at least then I’m in the realm of neurologists who actually look at the brain instead of labeling me based on a cluster of symptoms.

Mostly, I’m just enjoying this close to drug free lifestyle of being able to think and feel.

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