This has been the most intense day of my life, EVER! My Aunt Beth took me to Good Friday services with the Lutheran Church, and it was really beautiful. They sang the entire Passion service, and that was intense. I almost started crying at the end actually. And my Aunt, who is graduating and starting her clergy work this year, brought me up with her to bow before the cross. And it was intense, because here were two psychiatric survivors standing in front of the cross. And it wasn’t a fancy cross, it was very humble, made from two pieces of worm eaten wood. I was thinking about the Passion, but I was also thinking about that horrifying moment when I was in four point restraints screaming and no one cared. I was looking at this sad cross and thinking about what it really meant. And thinking about my body laying in a psych ward so afraid and so alone. And then Aunt Beth touched one arm of the cross, and I just automatically touched the top, because that’s where my head was in four point restraints and that’s where I was being tortured. And I think she was also thinking about her own time in psych care. It was really moving.

I got paid, so afterwards we went tuxedo shopping, at Value Village! And I got this great swish tux with tails, and it is cut just perfect for my body. So that was good, because now I can finally wear my top hat. And I went to a mens clothing store on my own to get the rest of my outfit, which was an interesting experience. I haven’t ever gone into male territory like that before, I only ever bought mens clothes from vintage stores. And it was weird at first, because some teenage boy came in to look at grad clothes with his girlfriend and this one salesman spent so much time talking to him about EVERYTHING, I was so snubbed. And that was bizarre, but I was kind of expecting it. What I didn’t expect was when I paid for all my stuff and the other salesman rang it through, and he totally started razzing me about getting married, and he knew I was buying it for myself, not for a boyfriend or anything. And I was so shy, because he was really friendly about this total transman getting formal mens wear. And he was Middle Eastern, by the way. And the teenage boy didn’t buy anything.

I look really good in it. I am such a dandy! I’m a sloppy girl, but as a boy I just go into dandy mode. And the shirt I got was pink, by the way, because originally pink was a mens color. Hallmark changed it at some point in history, I forget why. Anyway, I’m cleaning myself up, I actually care about how I look, and that is so different.

My mom has finally accepted that I am going to be a man now. She was really scared about it, obviously, because it means I could get hurt. She said she would knit me a codpiece that says “Don’t be mean to my son.” Aw. She still uses the Thirza name, but it’s okay because she’s adjusting. I am impressed with anyone who calls me Sarain though, because it means they actually care about my identity and knowing who I am. Mom actually had a dream a while back that I was a man, so she knew it was coming. And I did give her Gender Outlaw to read when I was in high school, so she does know what it’s about. And when I talked to her best friend Norlane about it, who has known both Sarain when he was alive and baby me, we actually talked about David Harrison’s play which we had both independently seen when it was here at the Fringe, and so we talked about what it means to be a transman. I believe he actually comes from Saskatoon, because I remember everyone was kind of amazed that he would come back here and perform it for us. The Saskatoon Fringe festival is actually reputed as one of the best Fringe festivals in the world, we used to get a number of highly talented international companies coming here and I used to volunteer and see like, seven plays or more.

Norlane was the one who contacted Sarain’s mother in Italy when he died, and she didn’t know Italian, so it was an awkward conversation. I don’t know how she found his mother actually, but she started crying and I think she knew he was going to do what he did. Or I was going to do what I did. Sarain has a sister in Venice somewhere. When Edward did his Venice show, he played a song for Sarain every morning at seven o’clock on the Venice radio. I think that is my favorite part about his piece for the Biennale. I would actually like to get a copy of the song he played.

And I have Schrodinger, which is also excellent, because Jesse Duval Loewy was the one who raised Schrodinger. And Jesse committed suicide this year. I like to think that I can at least take care of the one boy cat from Jesse and Linda’s litter. And Schrodinger is a gorgeous tomcat, although he ran away with my digital camera yesterday. Schrodinger’s sisters are with Leif, he named them George and Alex.

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