This is not about relational aesthetics. Thank god!

I was really productive last night! I wrote five pages of my grant! :O So amazing! I am hoping this productivity continues because I have a lot to do! I’m not going to give you my list, because you’d be annoyed with me. It’s positive work though, I mean, I won’t feel shitty doing any of it. I just have to plan so my mood works with whatever I have to work on. Like watching all these videos, I have to be in some kind of absorbing mood, instead of an outputting mood, which is better for stuff like grant writing.

I thought of a funny two minute video I want to make about having an addiction and how it can fuck up your love life. The thought of it made me laugh anyway. And I do kind of mine my own life for stories. And I wanted to make one video about my addiction.

SPEAKING OF ADDICTIONS!!!! Yesterday I had my last cigarette at 6:40pm! It’s been over twelve hours with no smoking! I’m not going to boast yet though, because there’s always the chance I could relapse. But who knows? Maybe maybe maybe this is it. A lot of my friends are all quitting right now, I should just quit with them for good. Fewer and fewer people smoke.

I can’t believe I even became a smoker. It was because I was mixing hash with tobacco. And then I tried tobacco on it’s own. Damn! Marijuana is a gateway drug!

Mental Health wise I have been doing really well lately. I’ve been diligently taking my medication and I am finding my life much improved after getting off the Celexa. I can even sort of cry now!

I used to cry so damn much. I could cry at the drop of a hat. And then I went on Celexa and it totally stopped! I lost a job, I lost my apartment, and I didn’t cry either time! :O Weird.

I did cry when people died though, but not as much as I have in the past.

The paranormal stuff has gone down in the house, I think. I think we have a ghost cat in our house. But that doesn’t bother me. He was a good kitty.

Writing this grant application has really made me think about my work. I feel like I need to explain why my work is important. It’s kind of funny, I just assume because it’s important to me it must be important to at least some other people. People seem to like watching my stuff anyway. And I try to be entertaining.

Time to get back to work! And have a snack!

One thought on “This is not about relational aesthetics. Thank god!

  1. My experience is that you need to do art that you find you like doing. Both the end result and more importantly, the process you use should be enjoyable for you. If others like it that’s great too! There is always points in a project where you’re tired or have lost the reason you’re doing it and those times you can think of the audience and how they might like it and that can keep you going.
    It’s also good to think about who might look at your art. In fact don’t just imagine it, find out. Ask others what works for them and what doesn’t in your work. There will be a mix of people. Some will only see production values (or lack of them) but other won’t care about that and will see the message, others will see something that you didn’t even know you put into it. They’re all good. Thank them for their feedback and take notes. Set aside defensiveness for a bit too.

    So how’s the “Native girls go to Mars” movie going? It inspired me to do a sci-fi. I’m in the early stages of getting the ideas together. All self-funded as usual. Probably no script either so “process oriented”. Should be neat and fun to make. Going to set up a green screen studio in a friend’s living room for a few months and accumulate shots and composite them into space or space ships or whatever.

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