Echoes in my Heart

Beatrix ISN’T being given away ASAP anymore. Now we are giving her a month to calm down and stop peeing on clothes and in the laundry basket and stuff. I hope she does calm down, because she is pretty sweet. And she’s a manx, so she has a little stump tail and that is really cute. People always ask me what happened to her, like she had her tail chopped off or something. I call her Stumpy sometimes. Deanna thinks she is self conscious of not having a longer tail, but I don’t think she cares.

Tomorrow will be FOUR WEEKS of not smoking! I’ve got to keep going! I am so close! I just have to keep not puffing and not hanging around people who are smoking cigarettes. I can do it! And after that I’ll finish off my first official month as a non-smoker. I really want to stay smober. I’m feeling so much better physically and mentally as a result of not smoking. My self esteem is even better. Like I have found a strength I can nurture.

I am wrestling with emotions about various women in my life, as in romantic interests and past romantic interests. One old crush is kind of pissing me off. Mostly just because I think she likes having lots of people like her but not really being serious. Like toying with people’s emotions. And I got over my crush a long time ago and didn’t care very much, but now I am just feeling irritated.

And then just when I thought I was getting over someone else she was actually being sort of sweet and it made me melt a bit and I am back where I was liking someone who doesn’t want to be with me. BUT I know we would be so good together! I feel like we would just make sense being with each other. And I’ve never had such good sexual chemistry with anyone else before. And even the kisses were the all time best kisses of my life EVER and I’ve kissed a lot of people, some of whom were much older with much more experience kissing. But these were just dreamy kisses. Oh man. The kind of kisses where you don’t want them to ever end, where your lips linger on each others at the end like neither person really wants to stop.

It would totally change my life if she gave me another chance. But I think she is through with me. I did meet someone who seemed like the kind of person I could settle down with, but she’s not really a possibility even though we had our moments of bliss. I know even if I didn’t get back together with the One I want to be The One, I would eventually find another One. It wouldn’t be the same though, at all. I have these really sweet submissive feelings about that One and I’ve never felt them with anyone else before. I’m usually more on the masochistic side than the submissive side. The two don’t always go together. But in this case they are both there. Sigh, and then the memory of those kisses still echoes in my heart.

Plus she was really fun to talk to, she was so smart and knew about all kinds of things and you could have a conversation with her about anything. And sometimes she seemed so deadly serious so it was fun to make her laugh about something.

Plus I gave her my virginity when we were teenagers. And for a while I thought it was a mistake, because she didn’t want to be my girlfriend and my first girlfriend was actually someone else. And we lost touch and all kinds of things happened to me and because of me and then I found her one day after I moved back to my hometown. And not through facebook either, or classmates, just from google! And we were close for a while until it all went to hell because I got sick. And then we might have been close again except I blacked out some of the time when I was crazy and I didn’t remember what I changed my password for my email to, nor did I remember the answer to my security question, for something like three years! And she had sent an email wondering how I was. But I didn’t get it for a really long time.

It’s kind of a tragic story really. They say bipolar disorder destroys relationships pretty frequently. It makes me worry. After I got diagnosed it took me a really long time to find someone I liked who wanted to be intimate with me, and I think part of that had to do with stigma. Then when I did have someone sweet, I acted out because I was out of control because I went off my meds.

And falling in love is actually super stressful, even if it is the second time you have fallen in love with that person.

I blame my psychic. I wouldn’t have this problem except for a cryptic thing she said. She saw what was going to happen when I went crazy and we broke up or whatever, and it made her go “WOAH! That is a messy breakup!” And then she said “Oh! You could make a go of it. But you will always be suspicious.” And I immediately thought, suspicious of what? But now I don’t even care if I am suspicious of something, I just keep thinking about that glimmer of possibility that the spirits she was consulting with alluded to. Could we? It’s haunted me ever since, because of all the women I have ever loved, there was only one I actually seriously wanted to marry.

I’ve never lived with a lover. I don’t know what it is like being with my beloved on a daily basis. Trying to negotiate how to keep a home. I just never dated someone I felt that sure about I guess.

I still have this three year plan in my head. It goes like this. Year One: Dating. Year Two: Living together. Year Three: Getting engaged and getting married at the end of the year. I feel like I don’t want to rush into anything. Maybe I would rush anyway. But I don’t know, going through all those stages of a relationship is important I think. How will you know you want to marry someone if you don’t live with them first? How will you know you want to live with someone if you don’t spend at least a year just on dates?

So I don’t know who I will get to do the three year plan with. But the other thing my psychic said is I would get together with someone I would be with for the rest of my life.

And that’s all I have ever really wanted. I’ve always been looking for a forever with somebody. I am going to turn 34 in April. I feel like I am finally ready for it to happen.

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