I’m getting depressed and I don’t know why. Maybe because I talked with my depressed cousin all night. Maybe because my friend doesn’t want to talk to me for now and it upsets me. Maybe because my mom left for Charlottetown today and won’t be back until Sunday. Maybe because I have work in the morning. Maybe because I am having a breakthrough depression. I’m not sure.

All I know is things feel very bleak right now. I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I’m aware this is a constant feeling this time of year, because this is the third year in a row I have been waiting for Canada Council letters to come in the mail and the last two years I was counting on getting my grants and instead ended up broke and not sure where my next pay cheque was coming from. So bleak! Although I do have some work coming in this year, and I am not counting on my grant this time for money, because even if I do get it I won’t get my money until January or February since that is when my project starts. So I have to find a way to survive even if I do get it.

I am also sad about needing to get over my unrequited love. It was nice to be in unrequited love even if nothing was going to happen, but right now I am aware that in order for my friendship to get back on track I have to concentrate on getting over her. And it’s just easier to get over someone if you have ANOTHER crush, but I don’t. So I don’t have anyone to daydream about. No one to imagine holding me when I am falling asleep at night. Nothin! And it’s hard to move on when the future is a big black void. I think that’s why all my unrequited loves have lasted so long, because it was just easier than trying really hard to find someone else to be crushed out about. So I am bummed out about that.

I am lonely these days because I realize so many of my friends were drinking buddies, and now that I don’t drink they aren’t as interested in hanging around with me. It’s depressing. I haven’t gone to the gay bar since I quit drinking. I went out with my little cousin last night and she was drinking a bottle of wine and flitting about and it made me realize that being around people who are intent on getting drunk is really boring. Drunk people are boring! Stoned people are pretty boring too, come to think of it. My partying days are so over. And it’s left a void, and as much as I am glad I am not using or drinking anymore, I also haven’t filled that void with anything meaningful. I could do what I’ve been talking about for years and concentrate on my career. I know I could get far. It would probably also solve this ongoing money issue in my life. I have a lot I have to work on. I’m the worst procrastinator ever. I need to get my new videos to my distributor, for instance. That would help a lot.

Anyway, I need to do things with my life, I thought grad school was a good idea, but I don’t know if I can afford to live in Toronto. And York is really out of the way. Aw fuck! I don’t know what to do. I’m not entirely sure of my motivation to go to Grad School either. It would let me teach, which is awesome, except that I don’t think I really want to teach and there is such a glut of sessionals anyway. Really I just want to make movies. If I could do what I REALLY want to do, I would just make movies and curate the odd single channel program, and that’s about it. I would change my business of editing films into a film production company and produce my own work. I’d become a creative powerhouse and always be writing and shooting and editing and going for creative thinking walks in the early evenings. That’s what I would really do. And it would make me happy. And I could see the world by going to a bunch of premieres and festivals and stuff. I’d be content with my life.

My psychic seems to think it is possible. That makes me feel a lot better. I know I have a lot of skills I have to master if I want to make feature films for a living. And probably moving from Saskatoon is a good idea, since the film tax credit got killed by our right wing provincial government. I just hate the idea of moving away from my Mom again. I really like my Mom. She’s so supportive and makes me feel better. She’s away. I miss her and she only left at four.

I am still depressed, I thought I might feel better after writing my thoughts but I don’t. I miss my friend. And I miss my mom. And I miss having a solid five year plan. I don’t have a five year plan these days. My psychic said I would get into my next relationship in September or October, but it would have to be with someone I haven’t met yet because I can’t think of anyone I know that I am interested in. And I don’t know WHERE I will meet this mysterious woman. Madonna was right, life is a mystery.

I want to get out of this slump. I don’t know what to do about it. Mum’s depressed too, maybe it’s rubbing off on me.

There are still unknown factors which could come into play. One, which is very distant and unlikely to happen, is that we win the lottery. The other is that I get my grant and have work for basically a year. Which in turn could possibly mean that I can get a major distribution deal with my film and get a bunch of money. And if not, well maybe I will sell a bunch of DVD’s. And who knows, if I make a really good film maybe someone will offer me more money to make another. It’s all unknown!

Well, they know at the Canada Council.

I wonder if I will hear tomorrow.

I am glad my concurrent disorders group is this Friday, I need to do some talkin’! I think I should also make an appointment with my addictions counselor. There’s an NA meeting on Saturday night. Maybe I could go. I need to talk to a professional though. It would be nice to talk to my psych nurse. We have an appointment coming up. Yay!

She would know if my change in risperidone was making me depressed or if it was situational. I wish I had a manual. What to do now that you are noticing you are getting depressed! I can tell it’s getting serious because I’m starting to lose interest in doing things I have to do. I want to hibernate until it’s over. But the show must go on!