Thought Processes of the Rejected

So I got an email from X Corporation.  I didn’t get the position I applied for.  Sucks!  So I don’t know why, people (people being Mum) say I should send them an email asking for feedback on why I didn’t get it.  I feel reluctant to do that though.

I’m at the end of my first week of my class, so that’s pretty good, I finished watching the lectures today and I have just a reading and writing 500 words left to do for my homework.  It’s  raised a lot of points for me about the last hundred years of mental health care in the western world.  Just learning about the history has really solidified some of my feelings around where I fit into this. 

I haven’t talked about my mental health much on here lately, just talked about my addictions.  Which is tied in to mental health, but not the same thing.  Well in case you are wondering, I’m on the lowest doses of medications I have been on in ages and I am still doing well.  I am stable, and able to cry again, and in touch with my emotions and moods but not ruled by them.  That feels pretty awesome.  The only downside is if I miss a dose of meds, I start feeling bad pretty quick.  If it’s my bedtime meds then I won’t be able to go to sleep, and if it’s my morning meds then I will get depressed. 

Actually there is one problem, my mind keeps working late into the night and I lay in bed thinking about a bunch of things.  I know I could resolve this issue somehow, I just don’t feel like it yet.  If I meditated, or read a book, like a paper and ink book, then I would probably fall asleep easier.  If I drank warm milk, or cut out all my caffeine after a certain hour I could probably sleep.  It’s but a google search away!

See, I can solve that easy, but this other issue I have been having I can’t solve.  I’m thinking about the possibility of reviving a long dead relationship.  Realistically it isn’t going to happen.  I haven’t even seen her in six years, and we live in the same city.  I stayed up late last night writing a letter to her, but when I woke up I was relieved I hadn’t copied and pasted it into an email and sent it off.  I just feel like she would laugh at me.  Or be incredibly irritated.  And neither of those reactions are what you want to get to a declaration of love.

There is a line of thought that goes “If you don’t try you will never know” but I tried before with disappointing results.  And she defriended me from Facebook a year ago, and I don’t think she wants to be friendly with me at all. 

And then part of me wonders why I care?  I guess love is hard to walk away from, but I read this article about how it’s important to form new romantic attachments.  Part of me also wonders if my interest is only because I have no one to form a new attachment with.  And I’m moving away anyway, what is the point in making a new relationship here?  I’ve never been in a relationship where someone would move for me, so I still doubt it would happen.  I feel like the best thing is to suck it up and just have masturbating dreams for the next six months and then when I move start asking people to introduce me to single lesbians.  Or change my OK Cupid location and go on internet dates.  Something.

Anyway, none of my friends want me to go backwards, because they say she treated me badly, which is true and also isn’t true.  When we were close she was really good to me.  It’s just after, when she didn’t want to be with me anymore or whatever the hell it was that she was kind of mean.  I mean, not letting me get closure with her by seeing me for coffee was and is still really hard on me.  I feel like a non-sexualized encounter of just having a conversation with her that isn’t mediated by the internet could do a lot of good for me.  But she doesn’t care about that.  And it’s not gonna happen, and it hasn’t happened for six years and I asked for it over and over and over. 

I mean, even Amber Dawn and I spent time together after our relationship ended, just getting used to each other being Not Girlfriends anymore and kind of having our goodbye moment.  It made me feel better. 

Whatever.  I am not getting closure.  Maybe I should do some kind of personal letting go ritual or something.  Like making a drawing of her and then having a viking burial of it or something.  Only there is ice on most of the river. 

When my psychic talked about her and I, back when we were hanging out and before The Terrible Incident, she said we could make a go of it and if we did we would have a lot of fun together, which I could totally see!  But she also said if we broke up it would be awful, and it was.  And I dunno, maybe we would just break up again anyway.  In fact, my next relationship IS supposed to end when I fall off the wagon a bit.  Crappy.

BUT psychics aren’t always right (except this one usually is) and I might stay on the wagon for years and years.  I just don’t know.

But what if there is someone else I am supposed to have a relationship with, someone totally new and interesting and funny and smart and sexy and all kinds of good qualities that scares me and turns me on just as much as my ex, or more? 

Now I am just babbling.  If I get into grad school, I will know soonish and be able to plan my life and move on and stuff.  And September isn’t THAT far away.  Like six months? Maybe a little more?  eight months?  Whatever, it will come around pretty quick.

I wish I didn’t love someone who was so cold to me.  That seems rather counterproductive.  I feel like I am just chasing a moment that is long gone.  I’m tired of that.  And I am tired of Saskatoon.  I have some good friends here, I will miss them, but I don’t want to live here forever.  It’s not conducive to my growth.  My plan is to live in Toronto for a while and then settle down for who knows how long in Winnipeg.  I don’t think I will ever move back to Saskatoon.  There’s no career here for me.

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