The End

Don’t worry, I don’t mean the end of me, or this blog, or whatever terrible thing that my title might suggest.  I mean The End of the Steven Era! 😀  Tomorrow is the end of the month and Steven’s official moving day.  He doesn’t seem to actually have a place to move to, but either way he isn’t going to be living here anymore.  I don’t know if he is going to be living under a bridge or what.  I suspect he’s going to find a woman with low self esteem who will let him move in with her though.  But I really don’t know, he might move in with his fellow hobo friend M who has also been a homeless drunk.  I guess we will see.  It really doesn’t matter to me, I’m just relieved that three months shy of two years he is out of our house and we won’t have to deal with all the fucked up shit he does.

I guess I mentioned all the things that pissed me off about living with him, so if you have been a faithful reader I don’t have to detail it all again.  I noticed he wasn’t very clever, he had a lot of life skills he was really shitty at, like not being able to cover food when he put it in the fridge, or deciding that he was a good cook, which he wasn’t, and making food inedible.  Or when he used to play music really loud in the middle of the night and not give a shit about who he kept up.  Or getting drunk and making this unholy noise that was meant to be singing but just sounded like something dying.  Anyway, eeesh!  He’s forty years old.  But he is really more of a teenager.  And the whole alcoholic thing too was awful, like when I would try to visit my other cousins and he would get in our face and be irritating and think he was being funny and really he was just being a douchebag. 

BUT it’s over!  It’s done!  I can go back to having a healthy home life.  I don’t even know what that looks like anymore.  I can’t believe I managed to get sober in this house with these conditions!  I remember one time he got really insistent that I drink this coke he had.  Now that I think of it, he probably spiked it with rum.  I was sober at the time and I didn’t drink it, because I was suspicious, and for good reason.  It seems like the kind of thing he would do too, sabotage someone’s sobriety.  And there were some other things that I didn’t even tell Mom that he did or said to people while he lived here which creeped people out.  I was so stressed out living with him.  I was gonna move for August 1st if he didn’t leave.  I was ready to jump ship, it was a shitty living situation.  Even my psych nurse was rooting for me to leave.  But then he got evicted.

Anyway, WHAT ELSE?  Actually life has been pretty good.  I am hoping on Friday or next Monday to get a call setting up a job interview.  Dora the corgi has slowed down on her nippy aggression.  She’s getting gentler, it is taking a long time but she is making progress, so I am happy.  I’ve been spending time with these friends who are kind of crazy drinkers.  I think I need to spend less time with them at night when they drink.  I always regret hanging out with drinkers, the dramatic ones can really wear on you.  Which is too bad because when they are sober they are fun.  It’s just I am really bad at wrangling drunks because I get irritated.

I think I need to make more sober friends, but I am not really a 12 stepper.  My concurrent disorders group is nice.  I don’t know if I could make friends there, they don’t really go for coffee after.  I maybe want to hang out with people who don’t have addictions issues and are sober though.  Like, they just don’t like booze and drugs or something.  I dunno.  Something!

I put an ad in Kijiji looking for an ex lover from like, 2000 or something.  I haven’t heard anything.  She wasn’t sober at the time, but she was a lot of fun and sweet.  I wonder if I will ever find her?

I am trying to be open to love.  I did a tarot reading about my love life and it gave me the best possible advice.  It said I shouldn’t do anything.  I should just let things be and if something is going to happen it will happen at the right time and with the right person.  I shouldn’t go looking.  I shouldn’t go begging ex lovers for another chance.  I should just exist and be happy with myself.  So I guess that is what I am trying to do.  Nothing!  It’s simple and yet almost difficult.  I’m an expert at making these grand gestures of love towards indifferent women, and it’s such a bad habit and I really have to knock it off.  So maybe doing nothing will be good for me.  Maybe someone should make a grand gesture towards me for once.  Actually, if someone likes me the best way to get me is to flirt and stand back and then let me make the moves.  But like, a really obvious flirt.  And then giving me time to ponder.  I’m easily scared off by someone who seems too into me.  It has to be just right.  I’m weird that way I guess.

I haven’t found myself kissing someone in a long time.  I think because I don’t drink anymore.  Drinking is such a social lubricant, in this terrible way.  I don’t even know how to make out with someone for the first time without being drunk.  I haven’t done it sober in ages.  When I lost my virginity I was sober.  But that’s like, 18 years ago!  I must have been intimate and sober some other time.  I think I was sober when Amber Dawn and I first got together.  That was a big night, it wasn’t that long ago.  Or was it?  2000?  I guess that’s 13 years ago.  I don’t remember drinking a beer when we had our first date, but I don’t think I would remember either.  I know we had sober morning sex a few times at least, but that wasn’t the first time with each other.

Maybe this is why doing nothing is a good tactic for my love life.  It will be a surprise whenever whatever happens.  And I won’t seem desperate.  I hate seeming desperate, it makes me feel like a loser. 

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