OHIP approved my top surgery! YAY I got funded. I still have to pay like, $3000 for contouring because that isn’t covered by OHIP. But that’s fine, I have that much money. I don’t know when I am going to do it, I need to get a consultation first and then I have to schedule it around a big project that is hopefully happening this year. So it might not happen until next winter. Or else it will have to happen in the early summer if I can get in that fast. I also have to find some friends who are willing to drop by and help me out while I am recovering. And I’m just always trying to be so independent but there are friends I know who would feel ok dropping by, if they still live here at that point.

I’m excited about my upcoming vacation to San Diego for my birthday. I want to do so many things! And then we are going to Joshua Tree for a couple of nights. We have an Airbnb near the beach in San Diego, so that’s fun. I just wanted to be somewhere sunny and have fun. ALSO maybe I’m just going to start going away for my birthdays, since that’s what I did last year too when I went to New Orleans.

Posey is good. I am discovering she likes things like apple if it’s a small enough piece. I thought she didn’t care for apple. Actually I thought I didn’t care for apple either, but I’ve been buying honeycrisps and they’re so good.

My diet is getting better since I’ve gotten on T. I think it’s because I’m more motivated to build muscle so I’m more obviously looking masculine. So I am eating a lot of high protein things like nuts and peanut butter. And peanut butter cliff bars are amazing and I am also drinking high protein shakes when I work out. And I’ve started drinking a glass of lactose free milk before bed because I read that it helps you build muscle in your sleep. And since I’ve been eating more apples I’m starting to do better with my fruit intake. I also eat berries but that was always true. I also don’t eat so much candy, before I used to eat TONS of candy and my triglycerides were high. And now I barely eat candy. I still get sweet cravings at night though.

I’m doing better overall I think. I can see ways my body and face are changing and that makes me happy. Also my voice keeps getting deeper and keeps cracking and things. So that is pretty affirming. I might just end up being a muscly guy with a square jaw and a deep voice and I think I could live with that. I mean there are other things that have changed that aren’t immediately apparent though. I think after top surgery a lot of my dysphoria will be resolved. I don’t have too much bottom dysphoria, so I think that will be the end of my surgeries unless I decide on metoidioplasty. But that’s a ways off. But who knows you know I can’t say for sure all the things that will happen in my life. I do want to do a name and gender change on my ID, so I’m going to need to get a letter from my doctor and pay all the things to update it all the places. Such a drag. I dread it just because of the paperwork involved. But I want to do most of these things soon before fascism really gets bad here and makes transitioning harder. I mean it might be fine though I don’t know. I’ve found the moral panic over trans people really tiresome.

I remember when being gay was appalling to most people though, and I do remember how people tried to tie our community to pedophilia a long time ago. So it’s kind of like I’m just old enough to see these weird cis-heterosexually driven moral panics rise up again and again. They don’t always work, but sometimes they do! So it’s best to stay vigilant I suppose. Like they worked in Nazi Germany. They half failed in the USA after gay marriage was legalized but then they’re coming back so I dunno. Canada is still pretty good. I likely won’t leave here to live in another country, unless shit went down. But whatever.

My vampire video game is nearing the end. I installed a dialogue system on the BDSM Club level, and now all the characters say stuff. I made it so you can choose to bite someone by pressing “B” instead of just touching them. And that totally resolved an issue of it not being consensual by anyone when they got bit. There are still consequences if you kill someone. I fixed the persistent data issue where the vampire health bar was not updating in each level you played. That was a simple fix in the end, I just needed a static float I think. It was a static something or another that the game could remember from level to level. So that’s ONE qualification to win fixed. I’m pretty happy with how it is turning out.

I need to finish the Diner level and put in all the people to talk with there. I also think I need a couple more people on the street level. And then I need to put the dialogue system into the Diner and Street levels. And then figure out how to code a character following the vampire through multiple levels. That’s probably going to be the most challenging. Then I have to write code to check if these two things are met for the character to win. I don’t think that will be too too hard. After that and tying up loose ends like the game over screens and the start screen and game play instructions screen, I think it will be done! I am anticipating finishing by the end of March. Then I can get my Canada Council Final Report in and move on!

I also need to write a script. And so far all my creative time has been going to this game. I find it very hard to switch my creative brain over between projects, which is too bad. I have people interested in this script though and it’s not done at all so I really do need to figure out a way to get it up to speed. Plus I was asked to read at Glad Day in April and they want a screenplay so like obviously I’m just going to read a scene or two, but I need to write it. So maybe that will motivate me. I kind of ended up getting a lot of grants one year and obviously I need to finish them so I can get more. And I want to apply for a big project after this that will go over a few years, so I need to clear these two final reports so I can apply. AHHH I also need to fill out my travel grant final report.

I was asked to do a short residency this summer but I had to turn it down because I need some space to do this bigger project. It’s too bad there’s not enough of me to go around.

I am super conscious of how much my time is worth these days. Like, if someone else will do something for me if I pay them for it, I would much rather do that so I can work on my projects. I know this is pretty privileged though. When I think about my life when I had so little energy and was working a long demeaning job like call centre work, I could not muster up energy for projects like I can now. I don’t think I want to teach either because I’ve also seen some people feel demeaned by that job too. I like mentoring people in more informal ways if I’m getting compensated, but ugh, teaching university classes sounds awful. I’m sorry I can’t do it!

Anyway. Blah blah blah I gotta go to the dentist in a bit so I should go I guess before I get stuck writing and never finish this.