CW: This might be mostly about working out but I am not so interested in the weight loss side of things because I am trying to build muscle

OK so I have been seeing a personal trainer at the YMCA for five weeks, and we’ve been working on getting me some muscles. Today she got me to do a set and a half of sit ups for the first time. Ha ha omg I did the first one after being like “OK so I have never been able to do a sit up, I’ve only done crunches and not even very good.” And she’s like sure just try. And then I did a sit up! And I was so amazed that I just laid down after and was like “OMG!” And then I was like “OH wait should I do some more?” ha ha and then I got ten done. I’m honestly amazed, I’ve never been able to do a sit up. I’ve barely been able to get my shoulders off the mat when I tried doing them. And this was just like BOOM sit up! I couldn’t do tons of them but fuck ten reps is ten reps more than I’ve ever been able to do.

I’m honestly so shocked! I was hoping one day I would be able to do a pull up (still working on it) but this was the first sit up ever. EVER!!! And here I didn’t think I was working my abs much. My muscles are just so much happier on testosterone, and I’ve been working out at least two times a week. I also walk my dog a lot more, and do walkable errands in the neighbourhood more. So I’m just stronger and I don’t get as breathless as fast anymore. It’s really nice. And I’m started to see some definition in my muscles, especially legs, arms, back. My stomach is more round but obviously there’s muscles in there because I can do a sit up now. I don’t really mind if I keep a round belly, I just like having muscles and being stronger.

The good food box arrived today and again it felt really light compared to the way it used to feel before my testosterone gave me more strength. It’s so cool noticing my strength increase. STRENGTH!

Anyway maybe I don’t only want to talk about my sit ups.

I’ve been doing ok. The early part of the week was kind of rough on me. But I had a good therapy session today, and also that good personal training session. And also even though I get career rejections, there are also opportunities I am getting that are so fancy I can’t even talk about them until they happen. So that has been really nice. I’m going to Syracuse in a week and a bit, so that will be an adventure. I am going by train so I’ll be curious to see what crossing the border is like. Apparently I don’t have to get off the train? Ha ha I guess we’ll see where I end up. But whatever happens I need to be back in Toronto to get my flight to San Diego. So I have a couple days between coming back and going away again and hopefully that gives enough room in case some shitty thing happens in transit.

Hopefully no shitty things transpire!

I’m trying to figure out how to let go of the past. I guess that’s always happening. I really don’t want to still be hanging on to people who won’t even talk to me. I know in a lot of ways people have left my life for good reasons for me too. But it’s weird anyway I guess. But not everyone is meant to stay.

And I’m not gonna talk about reasons and seasons and stuff about why people are in your life, I know there’s a lot of cycles that have to end and stuff.

And really I haven’t known either of the people who don’t talk to me since I’ve started transitioning. So they don’t really know me anymore either. I guess maybe those relationships were supposed to end before I transitioned. Like some people just can’t come with you into the next phase of your life. It’s sad but I have also hung on to people way too long until it hurts.

Anyway, I think I hate having my chest touched. I thought I would like it but people recently were pretty rough with it and I’ve just felt so much desire for me to have top surgery already so people won’t pay attention to that area in the same way. I think probably a different type of lover would have a better relationship with my chest. But yeah also I just need to tell people what I want in bed and what not to do. Stop squeezing my god! I hate that. Fucking Grindr lol. I can kind of see why some trans men keep their shirts on in bed. I know the people I’ve been fucking would leave that area alone if I told them though.