One step forward

I FINALLY got the girlfriend to follow the vampire at a respectful distance, enough that she can’t get bitten or in the way and is just this cute companion. Next I have to wrestle with this Dontdestroyonload coding so that she can follow through all the levels. I think it might be more straightforward than I think. After that it’s just tying up loose ends and making some winning and losing screens and then this game is done. I’m so relieved!!! I’m really glad the follow love script worked in the end, I was stressing that my character being followed wouldn’t work. But it does! If it didn’t work I was going to add a canvas with a heart that would turn red if you fell in love, but that’s not as fun and visual as your girlfriend following you around. So I’m glad it worked. It was a vector 3 offset that worked, surprisingly. I was struggling so hard ha ha.

Anyway, I found out my ex blocked me. Or maybe changed their name, I don’t know, but they don’t exist on facebook anymore in my searches. I didn’t look SUPER HARD but enough to know they’re not available to me to see. I should have expected it I guess. I thought I could just unfriend them and that would be that. It’s kind of funny to find out I got blocked the night before I finally solved this coding problem of the girlfriend being too clingy. I feel kind of shitty about the whole experience now. I don’t like having bad blood with exes and I just feel really hated by people right now (probably global transphobia is also helping with that feeling). I also have another ex who doesn’t talk to me ever since I got worried because she said she was alone on Christmas 2021 and asked if she broke up with her partner BECAUSE I LEGITIMATELY WORRY FOR FRIENDS and she got pissed at me and since then our friendship has been total garbage. She doesn’t even watch my Instagram stories anymore, and I am so tired of apologizing for myself so I’m not even bothering anymore. I mean I guess there is a reason they are exes.

The funny thing is I have a really good ex who I’ve also had a rocky history with, but I don’t know I just kept trying to tend to our friendship over the years and now it’s been really good for a long time, like years. And at some point we weren’t even fb friends at all and it was pretty hostile between us. So I don’t know, sometimes relationships are salvageable into a really nice friendship, and I guess sometimes I just have to know enough to give up on people. I don’t like giving up on people is the thing. But when it hurts to try and mend things, its just useless.

I tried, is all I can say, I did the best I could and for those two people my best wasn’t good enough. I suppose things will be fine, neither of them was paying my rent or anything, neither of them have children or pets with me, I’m not tethered to either of them with finances or contracts. It just sucks to see the divide grow between myself and people I once deeply loved.

I think also though is that there’s this growing anger in me about being treated badly by people. My family was pretty shitty to me last year when I tried to go home to visit, and that is still something I’m having a hard time with. And now I’m trying to break more into the Industry with a story with a lead who isn’t a white cis het man so of course that’s not going as smoothly as I would like because capitalism in film is racist and homophobic and we don’t get lots of money for our stories. I’m also adjusting to being a man in a queer world that can be very anti-man, or has a lot of misandrist sentiments anyway that make me feel shitty about myself.

BUT I should be happy because I solved this big problem in my video game. It was really such a difficult thing to fix for me, and now it’s done and I’m so much closer to being able to wrap it up. ALSO I wrote five pages of my new script, so that was a good accomplishment. I don’t think they are five GOOD pages, but they are five more pages than I had yesterday. Ugh I hate being whiny but honestly things can suck and it’s ok to acknowledge that. But things can be good too!

Even tho I am crying around about exes here, I am actually dating some interesting/fun people right now. Nothing super heavy or serious at the moment, but like some sexy dates, some super cute wholesome dates, things in my love life are well rounded. I guess it’s just a polyamorous thing to kind of have a broken heart at the same time as being excited about other people. And to be honest my heart is NOT as broken as it was last year. Last year it was like SMASHED on the floor broken heart. I didn’t even really want to date. But now I do, and I’m having fun. And most of my friends are not saying shitty things to me about men, it’s just this feeling I guess from coming out of the Lesbian community and not being a Lez anymore.

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