One year and one Week on Testosterone!

Well it’s finally been slightly over a year on Testosterone! Here’s some comparisons for you to see and hear.

Theo Cuthand before Testosterone and After a year and a week
A comparison photo of Pre-T Theo and 1 Year T Theo

I think the softness in my face kind of went away, to me I still feel like I look the same as always but I know there’s some differences. More strangers are gendering me correctly out and about in the world which is really nice. ALSO yeah I am balding, which is a big change.

Also here is my voice comparison! I think you can tell I sound way happier in the more recent audio clip. Also yeah, it’s definitely made a big deep change.

The only thing I haven’t shown here is my t-dick changing, because my family reads this sometimes. But I am super into it so I thought I would try to depict it in a much more friendly way through digital drawings of what I imagine could be a cartoon version of my dick. I sort of imagine it like a snail in a hoodie. So I will try to draw it. It’s mostly a trans joy thing but also pretty personal and I don’t think it will ever get into my films (although who knows? Maybe I like having mystery now though). I will say that it started out about the size of a popcorn kernel, and now is probably somewhere between a big green grape and a haskap. Maybe more Haskap-shaped though than grape-shaped.

Theo's drawing of his dick if it was a snail in a hoodie
A cartoon representation of Theo’s dick

It looks bigger from the side and this is a front facing snail dick. So not really a representation of how big it is, more like I just find the way my labia attaches to it kinda cool. Although I might get a simple release metoidioplasty some day. But maybe not who knows!

I’m getting top surgery so soon!!! That’s the next big thing! I’m excited, I feel like it will help me move in the world in a way that feels more comfortable for me.

I was trying to use the women’s room in Montreal because the men’s bathrooms where the events were mostly held had only one stall, but the women’s had multiple stalls, and I had to pee and guys were always pooping which takes so much longer. So anyway, I noticed I was starting to confuse women when I went in there. Which felt kinda sucky. I really don’t care what bathroom I use but I know as I’m getting closer to passing as male that it’s like, not gonna be an option for me soon. I don’t mind the men’s room, I just wish they had more than one stall.

I think I am still becoming whatever I am becoming. I’m really rethinking how I do relationships these days and if I want a romantic relationship. I had some bad experiences and it’s kind of hard to just keep putting myself out there. What I like about T is that it’s made it much more easier emotionally to have casual sex. On the other hand it’s been a long time since I’ve fallen in love, and I kind of miss that. Anyway my therapist and I talked about it once and she said I wasn’t the old me anymore but I wasn’t quite the new me yet either. So I’m sort of in this in between place where I could grow in a positive way, or kinda go down a shitty path and be alone and grumpy and never love again. AHHHHH. I’d like to think I’ll try to stay open to love but also, ugh. It just seems less complicated to have hookups and friends. BUT also part of me still wants to travel with a partner and do cute shit like cuddle while watching tv. Whatever!

Mostly this past year has been nice to explore my body and how it works now. I have orgasms more like a man now which is super cool. I would elaborate but again my family sometimes reads this. ALSO yeah sex drive went apeshit, I’m having orgasms four or five times a day now which is NUTS! But also fun and way faster than before.

I’m starting to be more faggot identified. Which is a surprise for me. I think I’m still very bisexual and I’m still attracted to Femmes. But I also really like gay sex with men. And I also am kind of a flamer? I originally didn’t want to transition because I knew if I was a man my gender would be policed even more than if I stayed a gender non-conforming woman. Like, I know people are very threatened by feminine men. And I’m masc but you know, not SUPER masc, I tend to the faggy side. And I kind of knew I was a fag even when I was identifying as a dyke. It was very confusing for me. Anyway watching my gender slowly settle over the last year has been kind of fascinating. Letting myself be attracted to all the hot queer men in my life was really liberating. AND even tho I wrote that sad paragraph about not being sure about romance, there were some men and non-binary folks that I definitely thought had boy/joyfriend potential. So I don’t know, letting romance come out in relationships with men could be interesting.

I think as I’ve figured out being bisexual, I am even more committed than before to having polyamorous relationships. Because I don’t want just one person, I want a few different types of people. I know some people say bisexuals can’t be monogamous and I don’t think that’s true, I just think I’m a polyamorous person and always was, even when I was unsuccessfully trying to date lesbians. But anyway I am at a place in my life where I like that different people offer different things.

Anyway it’s late! Here’s my anniversary on T post though! Hopefully the next few posts will be about my top surgery. I will probably take pics, but I don’t want any terfs swiping photos of my chest while it’s healing and my nipples look janky, so I will probably not post a lot until it’s looking better.

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