Well I have been steadily working out since January or February, and I can bench press 45lbs now (which is really just the bar and a couple 2.5lbs weights and doesn’t look like much but IS heavy!) and I’ve done other chest exercises like flies and pushups and so on. So I think I have a good chance of maybe having a slight curve to my pecs when top surgery is done. It’s funny because I like the way men’s pecs fit in a shirt, and sometimes I feel like I get closer to that look in a sports bra or binder but it’s not enough. I want real man tiddies!

I’m gonna get top surgery SO SOON! Like, just over a week. Ten days! Ten days away from no more tits life! I’m really excited.

I’ve kind of assumed I didn’t have a lot of dysphoria because when I compared my feelings to how some other trans men feel, I was never especially repulsed by my breasts or anything. But where the dysphoria comes in is that many times I’d been thinking I would have preferred to have a male chest that wasn’t sexualized the way breasts are. I wanted to be topless more often. I wanted to be able to sit around half naked and not be in trouble if the curtains were open. I wanted to have a flat chest. Like it wasn’t that I HATE my chest tissue right now, it’s just that it doesn’t really suit me.

They were nice. No complaints. They’ve been well documented though in my art, so I feel like they had a good run. I never got into nipple play or anything because my nipples are inverted so they already had issues with sensation. So I am not too worried about how sensation will turn out after surgery. I heard sometimes it comes back. Or sometimes not! I don’t know! I will find out.

And really it’s been working out that has made me really hunger to find out what I ACTUALLY look like. I want to know if I can flex my pecs! I want to know if I will have pecs that are visible. I want to see where my nipples get put and how they turn out. I’m just really curious! And I want to see what my body looks like altogether after that.

I’ve been watching gay FTM porn these days and I’m really turned on by the way the trans guys look and how they fuck. It’s kinda funny, I remember in my 20s this porn came out called Trannyfags and it was all gay FTM porn and I REALLY wanted to watch it but never did because I couldn’t order it online because I didn’t have a credit card or whatever. But sheesh, I should have known that was about me being trans and being curious about what I would look like. I think I didn’t buy it also because I felt like it would be really voyeuristic of me to watch it (since I id’d as a lesbian at the time). BUT NO I really just wanted to see what I would look like if I transitioned and fucked guys! Makes sense to me now. Most of the FTM guys on pornhub and stuff are bottoming though. Which is fine for me because I like doing that too. But it would also be nice to see trans guys topping guys and women.

Overall I’m excited for this next step. I should be fine with just hormones for a while after this. I’m really dubious about doing phallo because I don’t think I need it to be happy and it’s a lot of steps, and I like the way my cock works now. Also if I do get bottom surgery it will probably just be meta. And I don’t think I want balls. But I mean I dunno, my idea of how I want to inhabit my body might shift after top surgery. Also things are still growing so I don’t know, my needs might change. I still need to learn how to manually jack off, because I can only cum with a vibrator. But if there’s a solar flare that wipes out the electricity, I am gonna need to learn to cum without mechanical aids.

Also my sexuality is in flux. I do like multiple genders. But I’m struggling now with trying to date women and femmes, and have been unsuccessful around that so far. I know some women are flirting with me so it’s not like it WON’T happen. The flirty people all know I am trans. Maybe they just want me to feel happy tho ha ha. Dating men has been easier, but it’s still largely hookups. I haven’t had a romantic date in a long time.

I was talking with my therapist yesterday about feeling weird that I haven’t fallen in love in a long time, and she said she has a theory that because I’m transitioning my energy is focused inwards right now. That is probably the best answer for what is going on right now. I still have feelings for an ex, but it might be more like they were the last one I loved so they are kinda lingering in my memory until I’m ready to be open to someone new. Hopefully after I am more settled into my body after surgery I will be able to extend energy outside of myself again. It does feel really introspective right now.