More recovering

I’ve just been having a chill time at home letting my body heal. I got off the Tramadol on Tuesday and have been doing Tylenol since then, which seems to be working more or less. I can finally sleep a little bit better. Tramadol can cause insomnia so sleep was a bit elusive. But even tho I can sleep now, I still wake up early. I go to bed early too though.

I’m still sharing the place with my Mom while she looks after me, in some ways I feel like I don’t have a lot of care needs, and in other ways I do and I’m glad she’s here. She’s super helpful with dinners and stuff.

Tomorrow is the nipple reveal and I am so nervous. I’ve had all kinds of feelings in them while my nerves are trying to reconnect and stuff. It felt really cool on the third day because it was tingly. But now the feelings are a little sharper. Not constantly though.

Posey is still being careful with me and seems to take not jumping on my chest very seriously. She did jump on my stomach last night though so I might go back to wearing the mastectomy pillow in bed.

I’ve got a big scary bruise on one side of my abdomen, it was there early on but it looks darker now and more angry. I’m seeing the doctor and nurse tomorrow though so I’ll check in with them about it.

I feel so weird about my body right now because it’s not in it’s final form yet! Like it still has to do so much healing. And I just want to get to the part where I can sit on a rock wearing an unbuttoned shirt with the wind blowing my non existent hair. But really, it looks great with a shirt on, and most people will see me like that anyway. Today was the first day I wore a man’s shirt, I got it at a thrift store in San Diego. So it doesn’t have all the extra cloth in the chest as my other clothes. And it’s amazing to look down and see a flat chest. Like it’s just so nice!

Theo in a shirt with flat chest
After top surgery!

I had therapy on Monday and just kept talking about how nice it all was ha ha.

I feel like I’m far enough in my transition now that maybe I don’t have to think about it so much anymore. I’m getting gendered more correctly more frequently. And my body is finally getting to where I have wanted it to be. Except for the body and facial hair, but I’m Cree. And most people in my work life have been cool with it. But I mean also it’s probably something that’s always going to preoccupy me in some way.

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