I am writing this from Canada, I got back here yesterday. On Saturday I went to Pride with Diego and it was fucking incredible. Over a million people marching for LGBTQ Human Rights, but also in solidarity with a lot of other movements like Free Palestine. And they were also super political because an election is coming up with a far right guy they don’t want. And while I was there they also told me a lot about the military dictatorship and I found out about a lot of trauma that happened around those times. And it was over in 1983 which really isn’t that long ago. Like I would have been five years old when it ended, totally unaware in Canada. But they did a really amazing job at preserving sites of remembrance of the terrible things that happened. I showed my films at a building on the same grounds as ESMA which is one of the bigger detention camps where a lot of torture happened. And murders. And they had a plane on the grounds that was one of the death planes where people were sedated and bound and thrown into the ocean or the river. And the plane ended up being sold to the US for a mail plane, and then it went on to be a plane for a skydiving business in Arizona. And then they tracked it down and brought it back to Argentina. It’s intense seeing stuff like that. Canada really does its best to sanitize it’s history. Like, I don’t know that we have a specific residential school as a site of memory. It feels like we should but people kept burning them down.
But anyway, I think I was trying to figure out why they connected with my work and then I thought about some of the newer stuff I’d shown there and how it talks about Indigenous trauma and historical trauma and stuff and I realized nêhiyaw people and Argentinian people are both traumatized people. So maybe that’s the connection.
I do notice that I feel more comfortable around people who have trauma in their history like that.
Anyway Pride was amazing and inspiring and I got to march with some trans people which was super cool. I also went to a trans art exhibit and the curators gave a bunch of us a tour. And then my last night in Buenos Aires I went into an Airbnb with a hot tub, and floated around in just a pair of swimming trunks for the first time. Only two other people were in the hot tub area, so it was a nice intro to being topless in public. Like a regular guy.
I went on Grindr in Buenos Aires and made plans with a guy who bailed, I think he just wanted to jerk off. So that was fine I guess lol awkward but then I didn’t feel like continuing to find a date there. I have a man interested in fooling around in Toronto, so that might happen which would be nice.
I got on this big plane and flew 10 hours to NYC and then in NYC I got delayed for three hours while they fixed something on the plane. And I had a screening last night of work I curated with KJ Edwards and it was like, totally nuts doing ALL the things before and in time for the screening. Like customs/baggage pickup/getting home/taking a bath. And also I had to pick up food but then my card stopped working, so I had to call and get someone’s credit card numbers for the customer service woman to get paid so I could leave. But it all worked out. And today I had a massage and then talked in a class and then just finally relaxed. I’m trying to conserve money so I am smoking roaches in a pipe until Friday when I can pick up weed someone grew for me. And trying to eat the things in my house already. I need to go buy coffee and toilet paper tomorrow tho.
Anyway my point is I’ve been go go go for a while and I’m glad I just get to relax more again. I have therapy tomorrow morning and that’s gonna be nice. I hope! I don’t know I might feel weird who knows. I thought I was gonna have to reschedule her next week but I think 40 minutes is enough time to get home. I have a talk at 1:30 so yeah it’s cutting it close, therapy usually ends at 12:50. But there’s a bus that goes from there to here and I think it’s pretty quick.
It’s so much work being me! I’m glad my work is picking up again though. My income took a hit when I couldn’t work while recovering from surgery. But I think it’s starting to come in again. I remember there was this nice moment when I decided to be a full time artist that I knew I just had to keep doing all these gigs that were offered to me and I could make a living at it. I mean also the big creative projects sustain me. But doing talks and events also brings in a lot of money. I was meaning to do a break down of my income and see what pays me what. But I haven’t.
I’ve been passing as a man pretty consistently these days. There was one guy who called me seniorita in Argentina, just some guy on the street, but mostly people treated me like a man. I’ve noticed people in queer spaces aren’t sure what to do with me tho. I think I read more transmasculine to people who know trans people. But I dunno. It’s like people are shy to flirt with me because they don’t know if I am a fag or a dyke. And that is a weird feeling, to know if people were less confused it might make more dates happen. I was thinking of getting a bisexual flag pin or something to look more open to different genders.
I’ve noticed straight women treat me different, which is interesting. Like, they are a bit more flirty/open to me than when I was presenting as a masculine woman. I haven’t gone on a date with a straight woman yet, but I’m nervous to and also I just have always liked bisexual women. But I should try being open to a straight woman, I don’t know what dating them is like. I did fall for a straight woman once and it was very confusing for me.
Anyway I am passing so well that I had a trans experience with TSA finally on the way back from Buenos Aires. I got a red square over my crotch in the sensor thingy and they did a pat down which was VERY INVASIVE. Very awkward. I don’t understand why someone missing a penis could be hiding something. Where am I hiding something? There’s nothing there! Like that is the anomaly is that there’s an absence, how is that suspicious!? And what about the smoothies?! I guess they are always suspicious?
Anyway ugh. I am doing my name change finally and I gotta do a gender change too on my birth certificate, but that’s not gonna stop the TSA pat down. I was literally standing there getting this pat down and thinking “Maybe I should do phalloplasty just so I don’t have to do this all the time now.” But I don’t want phalloplasty, it was just some desperate thought. Aw. I don’t know if packing would help either because that’s definitely a detachable thing. I think next time I’ll just tell them I’m trans and see what they say.
It’s freezing rain here today so I didn’t go out after I got back from my massage. But tomorrow I am going to the post office to mail my name change, and also to the parcel place to get my packing underwear. I ordered five pairs! One for every weekday. I hope they fit good, I think they will. I’m just looking forward to underwear that will help me pack, because honestly I would do it more if it was simpler and I didn’t have to wear a harness or deal with it moving around in a sock. Like they fall out so often if they aren’t attached somehow. I think I’ll feel better.
I’m doing fine I guess, transition wise. I need more testosterone soon, I gotta call my pharmacy for it. My chest is healing well, the scars are getting lighter with all this scar care I am doing. I massage it with scar cream and then I put silicone scar strips over it most of the day until I have a bath again and do scar massage again. I did leave it off a couple of nights, but it’s definitely working and I want to minimize them. I know likely they would lighten on their own though. But it’s keeping the scars from getting raised which is good. I still need to get a seroma drained. It’s just not absorbing fast enough.
What else? I’m tired! I’ve got a lot of thoughts on my mind. And tomorrow is the two year anniversary of getting dumped by the person I hoped would be a true love so it’s like yay feelings ugh. At least I get to see my therapist tomorrow.