Overly familiar

I think I have to talk to my therapist about the parasocial relationship people have with me. Usually I don’t think about it much. But sometimes people get kind of obsessed and I have to unfriend/block/whatever. I generally am fine. But I felt really sexually harassed over the last few weeks by a fb “friend” I had to unfriend and I was just being super avoidant and shut down in how I was responding to the situation because it made me so uncomfortable. I should have unfriended them sooner to be honest. So far I haven’t had to block them. But out of curious I checked who was on my block list on FB and it was a lot of people including a lot of women who were behaving sexually inappropriately with me. And it’s not like they were exes, my exes have all generally been kind enough to be respectful and not harass me after break ups. They were mostly women who knew my social media presence and got kind of obsessed and behaving in ways that made me uncomfortable, especially because the obsession seemed to be romantic in nature, and based purely off my online persona and not who I am as a person in real life.

I know parasocial relationships are just a thing people with big online/media presences have. But I wish people would be cooler about it and not try to insert themselves into my life in creepy ways. If I’m open to a romantic connection with someone meeting me online I would much rather be approached in a respectful way and it seems a lot of people just are too horny to be respectful. I don’t know. I don’t know why this happens. I guess I am revealing a lot of information that makes people think we are acquainted when really the reality is it has to go both ways for that to be reciprocal.

I don’t know. I hope my therapist can help me work out my feelings about that. Talking about things like fame in the context of also constantly waiting to get paid seems kinda weird. I think my prayers when I was a kid to be rich and famous focused too much on the famous part and not enough on the rich. What luxury it would be to be rich and obscure! All that money and not one DM trying to get in my pants.

Someone told me that when Quentin Crisp was alive he was listed in the phone book and was amenable to people just calling him up and going to visit him. Like strangers. WOW! I can’t imagine that now, but at the same time it is kind of true for a lot of us because social media is frequently how people find me for work gigs and stuff. Like yeah I guess technically you could just message me on Instagram and ask something. BUT ALSO I get a lot of messages and can’t always keep up, or sometimes I just log in to send cute memes to a cutie I like and then go on with my day.

I’m not constantly available and even the times I am totally single I am not romantically available to just anyone. It’s very frustrating to have people make me uncomfortable because they feel close to me when I have no idea who they are and have no previous interactions with them.

I think I also worry about introducing partners to The Internet. I had one girlfriend who didn’t want any acknowledgement of our relationship online because she didn’t want The Internet to know. At the time I was kind of hurt, but she is also someone with a higher profile in terms of Queer world fame, so it makes a lot of sense now. I know people would have Thoughts to express about it and that would be weird. It’s over with her now and I’m still not going to name her because that’s our business.

But also I would like to be able to share a cute couple pic someday with me and whoever, when someone is ready for The Thoughts that people might have.

I had one girlfriend I mentioned on my FB and 200 people liked that post and I think it weirded her out so she broke up with me a couple weeks later. See I don’t want that! I’m almost tempted to do a slow reveal someday where this person is just kind of always lurking in the background of my posts and then finally one day surprise this is my sweetheart!

I wish I could talk to more people about what it’s like dating as a famous but poor person, or even just what it’s like to have so many people so familiar with so many things. I know in some ways I did this to myself because I wanted to see what it was like having personal things in public like this. But I still deserve respectful messages when people message me. And I still deserve to date people who aren’t overwhelmed by the people who think they know me. I’ve spent a lot of time with this blog specifically and my friends and family trying to figure out ok boundaries and stuff and I do my best. It’s why this blog has such a naval gazing feel to it, because people don’t like it when you talk about them online.

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