Some exciting stuff happened this week in relation to the feature I’ve been working on, nothing I can talk about here but definitely a hopeful moment.

I exchanged some leather pants for smaller leather pants and they did fit amazing in the waist and butt, but then I realized the legs are too wide and baggy. So today I went to Etobicoke to get them altered. There was a place I went to closer to downtown, but they were more expensive than these people are and that was just for a hem. Also the website at this place keeps talking about their European tailors and I admit I am curious ha ha. The lady there was nice, I hope they turn out ok.

My Mom once told me not to get leather pants because I would never be that size again and I was like nooo whatever. But she was right because I lost weight and also my body shifted into more masculine fat and muscle patterns so my hips mostly disappeared. And of course my breasts are gone now also and my leather vest is cut for someone with breasts so it’s baggy in the front, and too big overall. So I gotta shift over to smaller men’s cut leather clothes. It was kind of amazing though because the new pants I got which are men’s cut fit my ass and hips SO WELL and also it’s just right in the waist. SO I’m trying to pass on my leather pants and vest. I also have a pair of leather suspenders which are too big for me, so I need to sell those too.

I’ve been working on my pecs and glutes at the gym. I mean I do a full body workout but I’ve been especially doing extra weights for my tits and ass basically. My one pec on the left side is actually starting to get puffy and better. But the one on the right is still really flat. So weird! But then I was walking to the streetcar and realized I put my right hand in the pocket of my bag and the left arm swings. So nerdly, I have to keep my arms out and swinging so that my muscles match. It was so weird when I realized that was what was going on. Anyway it’s really just a theory but I’ll keep both arms out when I walk and let you know in a couple months if they are closer to being the same size.

I’ve been watching youtube videos about parasocial relationships and trying to understand them better. I know I am on the other side of them sometimes and have a parasocial relationship with like, Youtubers I like and stuff. BUT I think the difference for me is that I understand their boundaries and don’t try and be their best friend or their lover. Like I will take whatever entertainment they are putting out and sometimes drop a comment or a like, but I’m not obsessed with any of them or private messaging them or anything. I don’t know, I wish people were more respectful like that towards me. I already give so much to an audience I don’t need to give my private time too. I deserve time to veg out without people expecting something from me with no real relationship between us.

I’ve also been reading in the Mitski subreddit about how many audiences are being straight up disrespectful towards her and I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with younger generations attitudes towards artists and musicians? What happened? I guess audiences have always been mixed. But this correlates with what I’ve heard about university students these days not knowing how to behave properly. I don’t know I don’t really feel like speculating further.

In TMI Trans dick news, (don’t read if you are my relative) I got this stroker recently that has this moveable foreskin on it and FUCK it looks and feels amazing. They made this foreskin sheath that has coconut oil inside of it, so you can rub it up and down this shaft that has a hole in it for your t-cock. I admit I haven’t been able to use it yet because I am waiting for this infection to clear. BUT wow it’s amazing. It feels really real and the skin is painted in such a way that it looks like there’s real veins in it. It is so cool.

I sent my gender change form in for my birth certificate, AND a money order, and I sent it Xpress Post so I’ve been tracking it and it was supposed to arrive on Friday. But now the Canada Post website says it will arrive on Tuesday. So it makes me nervous, if it’s lost I have to get that form notarized again and have my doctor fill it out again and get a new money order AND ALSO write a letter explaining that my last birth certificate was lost in the mail. SO frustrating. I’m not sure what to do but I guess I will wait and see. I am going to ServiceOntario on Tuesday to sit in a long line to update my drivers license and my Healthcard. And once that is done I can have my doctor update my name every where in the system. AND when my plastic drivers license card arrives I will have photo ID for my Passport application. But I can’t do my Passport application until I get my birth certificate. And I don’t know how long that will take, the Saskatchewan website says they are only now processing applications for birth certificates that they got in the end of November. I hate this. I knew I’d be in this weird zone after changing my name but it’s so frustrating how much I have to do to update it everywhere. I really hope my backwards home province doesn’t decide to disallow people to change genders on their birth certificate. To be honest I could have my real gender displayed on my drivers license and passport without it being on my birth certificate. BUT this would be the easiest way to get it updated. Anyway, sigh.

I hate depending on the postal service.

OK two years ago around this time of year I sent a very emotional letter to someone who dumped me and then dumped me as a friend. BUT it went through the postal service and omfg. Because it was going to another country and in xpresspost they made me fill out a customs form. SO FUCKING embarrassing. What do you say? “Contents: Broken Heart Letter.” fuck I just wrote “Document.” which I’m afraid probably made the receiver feel like I was sending a legal letter and I wasn’t but they were also a lawyer so it would make sense. FUCK so embarrassing. They made me put down how much I thought the document was worth so it could be insured. I don’t think I insured it though. BUT I was obviously tracking it because I wanted to know when it arrived. SO EMBARRASSING. I think I wrote that it was worth a dollar? BUT THEN get this, the cost for this ONE broken heart letter was like, 30 or 35 bucks or something. FUCK. And of course if that isn’t embarrassing enough the envelope ALSO of course had to say how much I paid to send this sad letter. OMG but even worse is that because it was being sent this way I had to put both of our phone numbers on the envelope. And like we did date for a while so I of course had their phone number but I was just going beet red while filling this form out because I felt like it was gloating like “Ha ha ha and I have your phone number and I know where you live!” Which wasn’t my intent.

Honestly I should have just gotten their email address. Other people I have dated gave me their emails and it saves on postage. ALSO it means no one has to be delivered an awkward handwritten letter. Because my handwriting is ATROCIOUS and it always was, even when I was more consistent in using handwriting every day. I guess it was legible enough after all that because three days after it arrived I was told to fuck off forever. I still think that embarrassing moment at the post office when things got too real deserves to be in a movie tho.