Happy Trans Day of Visibility! It’s a scary time to be visible, with manufactured outrage stemming from predatory fascist Christian evangelists. Jesus was probably trans to be honest, if the virgin birth thing was real. And hurrah, because a Trans Jesus is a great concept. Loving but persecuted by the government of his era. We owe a lot to Trans Jesus, and the fact that it’s Easter Sunday today also makes me think of him.

ANYWAY. Personally I think even when I was identifying as a Butch there was some acknowledgement for myself that I was trans masculine. I remember the agony of trying to figure out if I was cis or trans. I felt like I wasn’t qualified to take on a trans identity because I was so unsure about a future with hormones and surgery. I remember when I was finally deciding to start hormones in 2022, I had dinner with a friend and said I had some ambivalence and they were like “I asked a friend whose been on hormones for 7 years and he said he’s still ambivalent!” I know that sounds like maybe I wasn’t sure, but it seems like every day since then I have become more and more sure of my identity.

But also my gender was just in a state of flux for my whole life, and I think in certain ways I was very visible as being some kind of trans person.

What I like about the label Transgender is that it is an umbrella that lets people in at their own pace. I felt trans for years before I started a medical transition, I was even vocal about it before starting to use he/him pronouns and a new name. If I hadn’t been allowed to fit under the umbrella when my identity was more non-binary, it would have been harder to finally ID as a somewhat more binary trans man. Not that every non-binary person eventually transitions, but I felt like I had a community even before I figured myself out.

I had the feeling a lot of trans people in my life were just wondering when I would get around to it. And I just had to think about it for a long time I guess.

And now I’m the one being visible, hoping another trans person at whatever age gets inspired to live their truth. I can’t promise it’s fun, except it kind of is. I mean the persecution sucks yes, but having your body more aligned with the way you feel inside is really worthwhile. Not that every trans person needs hormones. In fact a lot don’t, or do them for a while and then stop for other reasons. BUT the shifts my body has taken with hormones and surgery is so fucking nice.

The other day in boxing class we were throwing tennis balls back and forth to practice defense (I am the worst at this) and my friend hit me in the chest with a ball and got so worried they almost said the forbidden word (“sorry,” if you say it in boxing class you have to do ten pushups). But it actually didn’t hurt the way it would have if I had boobs still. It just hit muscle and bounced off. And that was a cool new thing I realized about my body after surgery because breast tissue can be so tender.

Anyway, regardless if you can be visible or not, if you are trans and feel alone or scared, there are people who love you as you are, or will love you if you haven’t met your people yet. I’m fortunate that trans people in my life loved me and helped me be myself for over 26 years.