The beauty of restraint

I’m glad is spring time. Always my favourite season of them all. All the flowers, and the people wearing less clothes (esp since you can barely tell what people look like in Canadian winters). My apple watch exercise rings were closed for a whole week which is amazing just because of walking outside more. You would think I would also like summer, but summer in Toronto gets HOT and sticky and people hide in the air conditioning. I’m always promising myself to buy a better air conditioner because mine sucks, but I never do. And it’s so heavy to bring it outside and bring a new one in. Maybe it will be easier now that I have a man body.

I can chest press 60lbs now! That’s a lot!!! I can probably get up to 70 or 75 this summer if I keep going to the gym.

May is my poor month, probably my last poor month for a year because I’ll start getting money in June and then start a job in September. I hate being poor. I’ve been trying to figure out what made me so poor this year and there’s like, a combo of things so I don’t think I’ll ever be sure. I transitioned, I changed my name so I couldn’t travel internationally for six months and seven days, I was posting a lot of things on my socials about Palestine, I think those were the main things. Some of it is like, no one’s fault. Like it’s not that universities in the States did not want me coming to do studio visits etc, it was that I couldn’t travel for almost the whole school year. And no one can hurry up a name change process.

It’s probably good I couldn’t travel most of this year so far though, because it let me stay home with Todd and try to raise him to be a good dog. I don’t think he is, but he is sweet and funny and generally a happy guy, so it’s good for him he got to be around me this whole time so far. He’s also a puppy though so he’s just learning still. And we did do his puppy classes.

He needs more classes. He needs to socialize with other dogs more, and on our walks I can tell he wants to play with dogs, but Posey HATES all other dogs so we can’t go up to them and meet them.

Maybe I should give him a second walk on his own, he definitely has enough energy for it. He’s so fucking bouncy! I’m so used to Posey’s chill old lady dog vibes, and he’s just like bouncing all over the place, running, crashing into things. It’s a lot! Puppy energy vs. senior dog energy is very different.

Anyway, I was never into restraints because of psych ward trauma. BUT the concept of HAVING restraint has been very predominant this year, which an interesting concept. Like I could go around saying I’ll never work with a cis man again who’s going to take all the credit for a story about trans people. But I don’t do that. And who knows maybe there are cis men I would work with, I definitely have worked with cis men who are story editors and had a good experience. I have nothing against cis men in general, even though people are always trying to divide trans and cis men in terms of morals or some shit. Some people just have bad morals.

I mean really some projects just need to be relegated to the bin and we can all move on from them. When something gets too tainted by egos it’s best to just start over for everyone. Some people really hang on to things though. And make up lies, so many lies, just to try to salvage something they don’t even value because they don’t value the creator who made it.

ANYWAY I was working on my step outline for this script again which was starting to get somewhere. Then I am going to start back on editing this short film about my transition. I need to beef up the transition story! It’s just kinda boring right now and needs mucho assistance.

I ALSO LEARNED A NEW CREE WORD! It’s manchos. It means a small crawling insect or bug. I like that it sounds like nachos, which I imagine is what it would sound like to eat a bunch of crunchy insects, and probably what will help me remember the word. I was looking it up because of work reasons, because I need a name for these monsters in my story even though they are big and not small.

I made a payment plan for my rent this month, which is a relief, and also reminds me that grace can be found in many places. I’ve generally been fine at paying my rent here at this place I’ve lived for almost nine years. So I think one shitty month should be ok. I’m so looking forward to June when I can pay my rent without worrying and go on a long awaited vacation.

Mainly my life’s mission right now is to work out, smoke weed, make art. I could put love somewhere in there at some point but right now there’s no one to love honestly, so it’s not part of my life right now.

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