I am back from Amsterdam! I can sleep in tomorrow which is nice, today I had therapy. I had a crazy wild time in Amsterdam. No drinking though, although I admit I was SO FUCKING TEMPTED to drink. It’s a party town for sure, and I was in a very central area near the red light district and the gay neighbourhood. There was a really good cannabis cafe nearby, but everyone who went there seemed to be a tourist. And although I like that you can smoke on the premises, I think the Canadian cannabis situation is better. For a few reasons but mostly that it’s more legal in Canada and only decriminalized in Amsterdam. Anyway, that and sex was the only super debauched stuff I did there. But like I said, no drinking, so I think it went well. I went to a tulip farm which was super wholesome and a tulip garden and on a windmill tour. Just cute touristy Dutch stuff. I did rent a guitar for three days I was there. I was busy the other days and also they weren’t open on the weekend, so it was the only time I had with it. It was nice to play a different guitar, although it was different than mine and awkward to learn off the bat. I also just need a lot more practice.

I had some good hookups and one totally fucking wild nsfw adventure in the gay sauna. I probably shouldn’t write about it here. But it was super fun. I was also being good about taking my PrEP and DOXY-PEP.

I feel really fortunate to have a good GP. She’s been so supportive of my decisions around my body, gender, and sexuality. She’s never been judgey about it. I haven’t always been so lucky.

I also went to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam which was good. Intense. But wow I remember reading her diary in elementary school and to be in the rooms where all of that happened was incredible. And sad. I thought a lot about all the stories she never got to write. I even got to see the original diaries, which were amazing. I wonder how many other stories we need to hear and never did.

I also went to Mr. B and got a leather hat and a new soft suede flogger, and then went back and got a leather vest. When I was trying to see if he had my size in these vests he lifted one up and was like “We have this in your size” and it was a big black and red vest with the word FIST on the back in red. And I was like “Uhhhh.” And he was like “Don’t like the message?” Ha ha ha omg like that is a fun activity but I don’t want to base my life around it. Anyway I got a cute black vest with a red stripe down the sides. So that makes me happy. I wanted a vest I could wear out and about and not only at fetish/leather events. A multipurpose leather item. Anyway it’s coming out of my cows and plows money so that’s like, my one silly series of purchases.

I didn’t get my travel grant for my trip, so I’m paying for it with cows and plows. Which is fine but annoying because I would have applied to the ISO but they closed travel grant applications just for the time before my trip and then when it opened again I wasn’t eligible anymore because I was on the trip. Ahhh so frustrating. But whatever, it was also my birthday vacation, and the festival did give me some nights in the hotel and money towards travel.

ANYWAY WHAT ELSE?

Ahh I dunno. Traveling was good for me. I felt all these creative ideas coming to me, and having sexual adventures in Amsterdam was good for me too. I found the men out there were better with t dick than the ones in Toronto. Toronto feels very PIV City, which is not the best. I like a bunch of things! I think I just need to keep circulating. I also want to explore more t4t encounters with various types of t folks. But also I’m just in a very open stage right now in my life and exploring but I think also available for serious things. I always end up acting like this where I’m like “Slutty adventures are amazing…BUT the right person could date me too!” It’s kind of silly. I do want love though, I guess I just feel like I want all of it and I don’t know, maybe people just think I’m a greedy bisexual or something. But also maybe one person could satisfy me, I’ve never had someone focused on me like that before. Who knows.

I know I want love though, like I could romantically devote myself to one person. And maybe have fun elsewhere if it’s ok with both of us. But maybe not I don’t know. I’m not really monogamous or polyamorous, I’m more ambiamorous. I could be either. Sometimes I feel more monogamous than other times.

I think I’m ending up with more crushes though, or maybe it’s springtime and people look cute.

I learned a lot about myself on this trip.

When I came home I tried my traveler guitar. It’s an acoustic electric, so if you change the settings on the amp it can either sound like an acoustic guitar or like an electric guitar. It’s fascinating. I was all into my Martin D10E, but this guy has such a cool sound when it’s more electric. And I know just enough guitar stuff that I could apply it to that one and make some interesting noises. It’s just a guitar for practicing on the road though. But I do think maybe I should also get a real electric guitar at some point. I mean, it’s a real guitar. But maybe a Stratocaster could be fun.

I still feel shy about playing in front of people, and I probably won’t do a recital until the winter. But I do feel like it’s been nine months since I got my first guitar and started learning and that’s finally opened me up to playing with music. That was such a barrier in me for so long. But I know it’s similar to filmmaking which is why I wanted to learn it. I feel very playful and curious about sounds and feelings right now. And desire and knowledge.

I wonder if I should name my guitars. I don’t just want to call them The Martin and the Traveler guitar. I also was never someone who named my stuffed animals as a kid though, so maybe I just don’t name objects like that. I never had a pet name for my genitals or breasts either. I don’t understand it. Todd and Posey have names though, but it’s so they know who I am talking to and also they are living sentient beings.

I wish I had a bigger apartment, with a studio for editing and music. I do all my creative stuff in my living room. It’s fine but man, more space would be amazing.