I think I’ve been angry about a lot of things and it’s difficult for me to deal with. Being in an Airbnb in a Nordic country in the late spring that doesn’t have blackout curtains also didn’t help. I was so sleep deprived by the early sunrise. Waking up every day between 5 and 6, nightmare.
I notice I always feel better with food and sleep. I also did a bad job feeding myself on time. Aw it really sounds like baby needs a bottle, but it’s true, being hungry puts me in a terrible mood.
I did get to show parts of some new stuff, like my transition video, and part of Unsettled Climate, and the beginning of POOR. But it also ended up making me angry too because a lot of that stuff was not properly funded.
There is some noise finally on social media about how established artists are not being funded anymore. And especially mid career artists. Also I think 7a*11d not getting its funding because of a technicality has opened the floodgates for people who are not happy with Canada Council and the ways it is failing the arts community. I don’t know if it’s that they don’t have enough money or if juries just don’t care about mid career artists anymore. Money seems to go to emerging and late career artists and not much in between. But also on my part it feels very transphobic because I didn’t have so many difficulties being funded until I came out as a trans man and started making work about trans people specifically. Like what other conclusions am I supposed to take from this?
It started with not getting travel grants anymore. I applied for one to go to BFI London with my video about being a trans man on PrEP, and Canada Council refused to fund it. Even though BFI London is a very prestigious festival. The next travel grant I applied for was to go to the European Media Arts Festival with my experimental video about my transition. Again, a refusal. Even though the European Media Arts Festival is also extremely prestigious in the experimental video and film world, and I was one of only a very tiny number of Canadians in the International Competition (like maybe the only one?). It’s since continued in a refusal to fund any project grants. I am expecting my next refusal in August.
I do feel it’s going to be a number of years until I’m properly funded again. And that pisses me off because I am 48, not a young pup who has my whole life to wait around. The clock is ticking and I need to be super careful to take care of my health so that I can make the work I want to make. Also because people have been so cavalier about why I must not be getting funded, that my grant writing skills suck despite the fact I’ve been able to land so many grants until the last two or three years. It’s offensive honestly.
Ah and there I am getting angry again. And that’s the other thing is it feels like we’re not supposed to get angry at the funders and the juries, like we should always be grateful for even the chance to apply for a grant we won’t get.
I know there is a lot more support for cis people making art about trans people than trans people making art about trans people. It’s frustrating. It’s always the person on the outside of a marginalized community who gets the credit for speaking on our behalf. Like goddamn Gordon Downie speaking on behalf of Indigenous people and being the one they listened to, omg.
I don’t know, it’s disappointing. I think the work I’ve been doing for the last few years has been the most interesting and important of my career. But I’m discouraged. I saw someone post on Facebook that Canada Council giving people their scores has just discouraged people who shouldn’t be discouraged. And it’s true but I can’t help feeling that they are doing it on purpose. Also these juries are not really our peers, they are cross sections of the art world that are not informed about specific disciplines and yet get to make decisions about them. That really angers me because a painter just does not know how to read the budget for a film. It’s annoying.
And yeah ughhh this tarot reader I got a reading from did say I had to get a job because I won’t be supported as a filmmaker for a while. And ultimately I know that’s true, that I will probably have to keep getting teaching jobs and funding my Unsettled Climate doc that way. I just don’t think Canada Council is going to give me money for a long time. And probably the fact that part of my film is already shot will make them even less interested because I’m asking for post production money and they will probably say I should do that on my own and I don’t need to eat or pay rent. Or why don’t I have a full time job anyway when everyone else has to have one? Arg it’s just not fair and I honestly fucking hate the Canadian art scene at this point. It’s the cherry on top of never being long listed for a stupid Sobey. I mostly was funded by American gigs and those have dried up since they got their dumb fascist government.
The American government wants to kill trans people now and even put out a statement saying as much. And I guess we’re just supposed to take this because no one is coming to help us. Definitely not the Canada Council, despite us being in Canada.
I’m going to post this on my blog because I think people need to know the crisis artists are in in this country, especially trans artists. And yeah maybe some other trans artists might be getting funding. But Indigenous trans artists? It’s very difficult. Indigenous people are supposed to be cis and heterosexual, even some Indigenous people believe that. I think people just find it too niche and uninteresting. But also it’s just infuriating to be turned down SO MUCH and still have to act like we all have a fair shot at arts funding. We do not, there is discrimination in arts juries. And I don’t know how that could ever be overcome honestly. They have priority groups but I don’t think that counts, especially considering I am in a LOT of the priority groups and still don’t get funded. And yeah I guess I’m supposed to believe the best about people but I just don’t. Not after all I have seen. Not after watching my career hit a rough patch at the same time I’ve transitioned. It’s too suspicious. And climate change is, I think, one of the most urgent issues of our time, which incidentally is why I have been so anti AI. But that doesn’t inspire juries, especially when it’s looking at how climate change impacts trans people, who honestly aren’t cared for the same as cis people. It’s why the American government can even put out a notice literally saying they will kill us and it barely makes the news. We’re on our own out here. No one is coming to save us or give us arts grants.