Missy Elliot was amazing by the way. It was a good concert. At the end when we were leaving I was standing on the stairs, but I could see some Black women on the row under me waiting to get out. And I thought Black women should be prioritized at a Missy Elliot show. So I held the stairs while they got out and one of them thanked me. But I heard some women behind me before the Black women got out saying “Why is he just standing there?” “Because he’s a man!” Which was kind of hilarious because honestly also it was just crowded and we couldn’t move. BUT ALSO because they still recognized me as a man and then just put this negative thing on me instead of recognizing I was holding the stairs for these Black women in row 15 to get out. Like it was semi-gender euphoric, but also a bummer because it was just random misandry and they didn’t even know I was trans or that anything might be unusual about my gender.

I guess it’s fine to get man-hate if they want. Like it’s really just words and nothing else. AND also I KNEW why I was waiting for these women to get out.

“Man-hate” is kind of hilarious because I think it talks about men like we are all cis and white and able-bodied, with the same level of privilege. When there’s a lot of men who have less privilege than able-bodied cis white women. So many intersections complicating things! I’m not all oppression olympics, but like, a disabled Indigenous trans man has a more difficult time than some other types of people, in different areas. I think we can all recognize that.

ON THE OTHER HAND from behind really I just look like a bald white man. Ha ha crazy how the nuances disappear based on which direction someone is looking at me.

Besides all that, things are good. I went to Western last week to start my job. I got my swipe card for access, got my keys for my studio and the Visual Arts Centre. Met a lot of people. Went on a tour of the Visual Arts building and also got a tour of the Wampum Learning Lodge which is so gorgeous. The Visual Arts building also has a lot natural light in it which is so lovely. My studio is HUGE and I think I’m going to find my spare green screen so I can shoot some video some days I am there. Although I’m not sure how great it will be for sound when the building is full of students. The men’s room down the hall has menstrual products in it which is cool, although I retired my period in 2014.

I’m really happy about how this next year is shaping up. It’s weird that I’m still a little paranoid of being happy about life in case some sour puss tries again to ruin me. Or maybe that’s not such a weird concern to have. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole last year so far. I was recognizing how adversaries could make me a mean person in response. But something told me that being a mean person wouldn’t make me a happy person. And I like being a happy person. And I like supporting other artists and doing educational/mentoring work. I guess just having the same values now as I did before, and not turning into someone who is vicious and spiteful. I would never lie about someone. Even if they were a terrible person, the ways they are a terrible person is all the truth I need to mention to warn people.

I am more protective of myself now though. Like, a lot of people don’t have access to me anymore (except for this blog, but if they are trying to keep up with me through reading this then that’s pretty sad they can’t just move on). And some people will only ever get my public facing information and not like, the deep stuff going on with me. I do share a lot though which gives people kind of a false sense of familiarity.

Chappell Roan made some TikToks about creepy fans and stalkers and stuff, and honestly good for her. It’s such a strange thing because obviously celebs make a lot of money from having a fan base, but also fans can cross boundaries in weird ways. There was a time I was reading a lot about parasocial relationships, because this facebook “friend” got obsessed with me and started sending me a lot of sexually inappropriate messages, I suspect when they were drunk. And she and I had never spent time together in person, so it was all this obsession based on my social media. I don’t know how to describe how weird that feels. Anyway I hope people start learning better ways to interact with celebs and so on. I don’t think they will. But like, some established expectations about giving privacy etc would be nice, not assuming you have a closer relationship than you do.

Ha ha anyway I just came here to post about having the new gender euphoria about getting man-hate ha ha. Like a cis man! ha ha ha

What am I going to do with this overshare blog? Ugh. I’m just thinking about trying to be more professional, but also this was always my writing spot, and mostly I write about things in my life right now. So I guess it’s fine.

I did 30 push ups and 30 sit ups today. I was thinking of going to the gym, but also I need to make this chicken and egg stir fry I’ve been planning for days. It’s got asparagus in it, and I was hooking up with an assortment of people but I need to take a short break anyway. Asparagus does that thing that would make me unappetizing for a couple days. But I DO love asparagus. And haven’t had it in a while. Maybe I can eat a pineapple after, I don’t know.

I do know I’ve gotten a ton better at keeping this home clean because I usually have dates come over here. I do dishes on a regular basis, which was always a long term habit I wanted to get into. I’m also sweeping and washing the floor more. It’s gotten easier as Todd has gotten older too, because he used to really go all out and trash the house as soon as I cleaned it. But he’s not such a twerp now, very sweet in fact.

He was helping me exercise today by getting in my face while I did sit ups and push ups. Lots of kisses, trying to sit between my knees, ridiculous guy. He’s too cute though. Just a silly baby. He and I are getting along a lot better now that he’s not nearly as stressful as he used to be. He lets me sleep in now! A little anyway. And he’s not bouncing on me when I am trying to fall asleep.

LATER

ha ha ok I went off and did other things and now it’s the next day. Chicken and egg stir fry turned out great! I’ve been doing work also, trying to track down a film for my class. I wrote to the filmmaker today but I kind of think maybe I should have gotten introduced by a mutual friend because this director is famous and probably I ended up getting filtered out of the inbox. But who knows! It was worth a shot.

It’s the 14th today! 3 years ago I had a first date and fell for them and it was such a bad idea. Like, INCREDIBLY bad idea, considering they were married (but open relationship etc). Anyway, my facebook wouldn’t let me see my memories from 3 years ago, but when I opened my phone this morning a picture of us was right at the top like “memories on this day” or whatever. Yikes.

I feel bad for my therapist having to watch that whole thing unfold and not be like “This is a terrible idea Theo!” I mean I think she did try. But I was convinced. Fucking estrogen made me so attached to so many people so quickly. It’s kind of embarrassing, I hope I never go back to an estrogen dominant system. It’s nice now. Not so easily attached. But also I think maybe I’m a bit shut off to falling in love now. It just seems like a pain in the ass. I’ve never been in a serious long term relationship. I don’t think that means I am bad at long term relationships, I just don’t think I’ve been in a mutually loving relationship yet. But also the older I get the less I have a desire to live with someone. I’ve lived alone for most of my adult life and it’s SO FUCKING NICE I won’t lie, roommates are STRESSFUL and I can’t imagine what a lover who is also a roommate would be like. I would want my own room still. And what would I do with my hookups? It’s unlikely a lover would be open to me having lovers come fool around sometimes. But I don’t know.

The more I figure myself out, the less clear my idea of an ideal partner is. I don’t know what gender they would be, I don’t think I would want to live with them but I don’t know maybe I would? I don’t know if I ever want to get married (but I would if it was for immigration reasons). I really am just like, not sure where someone would fit into my life right now. Like I like having hookups, but also I like when they leave. It’s complicated I guess. And mostly I’m concentrating on my career right now and having a good time with that. Like yes there are career challenges etc but overall I’m working on things I care about.

I’m trying to stay open to falling in love. And I do get romantic curiosities sometimes. But I don’t know, maybe someone really amazing has to show up first. Impress me. I don’t know who will or who can.

It’s Thursday! I’m struggling with some admin stuff (a particular online portal is giving me grief). I’ve continued submitting to a few film festivals. It’s nice to get something back out into the world. I feel like I’ve been coasting on the NDN survival trilogy videos since those are still extremely popular. But there’s other stuff I’ve made! Swear to god.

Anyway I also have two video games, although I think Bipolar Journey currently doesn’t have a home, and I know I have to update the code to get it going again. I may as well though, that is a very popular game of mine. I did update it to have my current name on it. But like, just to get it working again would be good and then people can play it from my itch.io account. And then people can throw dollars my way.

Sometimes I think I should be making way more money than I am. I have such a specialized set of skills. My brain is expensive. It deserves to get me paid more with all the training and learning and experience I have. Anyway, someday! I did have a good run for a while. And might again soon.

I’m thinking about projects right now and struggling with this script for something else. I need to get working at it, more seriously. I used to set a timer and FORCE myself to write and that was working for me, but admin tends to get in my way and take me off track. It would be nice to have some set hours in the week that were devoted just to creative time.

I still want a guitar! I’m hoping to get one later this month or early next month. I’ve been doing research. I want an electric acoustic guitar. Like basically an acoustic guitar I could plug in to an amp. But I wouldn’t get an amp right away, just the guitar because I want to play inside my home. For my dogs. My friend Riki took me to Long & McQuade in Saskatoon so I could look at all the guitars they had. It was very educational. I’ve wanted an acoustic guitar for a while, even though I don’t want to join a band with it. I just want to play music at home. Or maybe for a video. Also it would be helpful for my brain to expand and get a new skill/hobby.

I’m learning how to do a zoom with interpreters on it. It’s fairly straightforward but a lot of steps. I think it will be fine, I took notes while I was being told what to press etc.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t care about making notes. I mean sometimes I also forget. BUT notes are my favourite thing, especially since I have ADHD so sometimes things just kind of fall out of my brain.

I used to think I had memory problems because I was smoking weed. Then I quit for ten years or whatever and still had memory problems and was like “OH RIGHT I have disabilities.” So you live and learn I guess. Now I smoke weed again BUT I also don’t most of the time when I’m working AND I take notes. So things are better.

Todd better not chew or pee on my guitar. I wonder if there’s a rack I could hang it from on my wall? That would work better.

There’s really no urgent update today. Things are fine, I’m busy and fairly happy. I’m flirting with lots of people and walking my dogs and doing my work. And it’s summer which means going out in shorts and sleeveless shirts which is always fun. I had my fun vacation earlier this summer, so now it’s a lot of doing work to get ready for the fall. I do want to go to the beach or something though before September starts.

I’m so exhausted. I went to bed late last night and then woke up early because I wanted to google something I was curious about. And then the dogs wanted to get up. So it was 6:30am and I got up. I will try to have a nap today I guess. But also yesterday I forgot my Vyvanse and it made me SO fucking sleepy all day, I didn’t realize I didn’t take my morning meds until 5pm, and that’s too late to take Vyvanse. So this morning I DID take my Vyvanse, so maybe it will keep me awake.

It’s too hot in my apartment. It works best with the window and porch door open to let air through, because the air conditioner is WEAK.

I’m genuinely afraid I will probably die of a heat related illness. Like heatstroke or something. I have crappy air conditioning and I’m on psych meds that interfere with how my body deals with the heat. I know I have dealt with the heat this far. And it’s not even that hot of a day today. But it’s always this time of year that I look forward to the fall when it’s leather jacket season again.

We are supposed to get air conditioning in our co-op in the next two years. I really hope so. I’m so tired of this.

I had a hookup last night with an insanely sexy construction worker but it was SO HOT in my apartment that we sweated all over the sheets and then I was laying there alone with my dog on damp sheets all night and it was GROSS. I really need to wash these sheets actually. It’s really bad! I hope I can wash my clothes and sheets in two loads, sometimes summer surprises me with how much laundry I can do when it’s shorts instead of jeans.

My puppy ripped my sheets, so I need new sheets. But poor boy summer continues so I’m living with these ripped sheets. I feel like a tragic trans bachelor. And I’m back to surviving on chef boyaredee and beans and oatmeal. So it’s very poor diet wise. Although I am having so many blueberry and fruit smoothies and those are helpful I guess.

The dietician said it’s better for me to eat blueberries than drink them. But I don’t want to chew on a bowl of frozen blueberries. They’re frozen for a reason! A smoothie reason.

I’m doing laundry. My sheets are too gross to even contemplate sleeping in them for one more night.

I wish I had in suite laundry. I have to use a shared laundry room and I get anxiety in there if it’s busy, or if people leave their laundry in too long and I have to move it. Shared laundry can be such a tense environment! Hate it.

Anyway I don’t know if there’s anything terribly remarkable to comment on today. Not really, besides climate change sucks. And poverty sucks. I still owe my therapist for our last session before she went on vacation, and I owe a dog sitter, and I’m sending emails to family members for grocery money. It’s annoying. I’ve been waiting months for one payment from a university. I am tired of that. And CRA STILL needs to update my name and now the Business CRA says I have to make a specific change with the regular CRA, and regular CRA has a three hour wait because civil servants got cut back. It’s tiresome! And I find it hard to commit to hours at home by my phone and laptop, when I also need to do things like walk my dogs or get my meds or any multiple things that come up in a day. Three hours is very discouraging. And in the meantime I keep having to give out my deadname for one particular account. It’s SUCH a headache but honestly I just need to pick a day to stay home and do it. The minutia of bureaucracy will be the death of me.

I haven’t given an update on Todd recently, but he’s growing and learning. It’s his first summer and he is discovering the places in the house that are cooler, like being on the floor more, or laying next to the fridge, or in front of the fan. I feel like a bad dog dad for not being able to provide him with air conditioning. We do have a cooling mat for dogs, or we did. It got peed on a lot, I might have thrown it out. Todd is having lots of fun going for walks, there’s many things to pee on out there and he has perfected lifting a leg. He has ONE Ball, the other one is still undescended. The vet is unconcerned though and says they can get it out when he gets neutered. He isn’t getting denutted until it’s his birthday though. Or like, probably just after his birthday, so he gets a nice day. The vet says dachshunds shouldn’t be neutered until they are a year old and their growth plates have done a thing.

And Todd is probably the most classically dachshund dachshund I have had. He’s got a LONG skinny back, and a very dachshund face. Posey has kind of a shorter nose than him, I think she has a great grandma who was a chihuahua or something. One time a dog identifier filter said she was a chiweenie and she might be. But mostly dachshund. But Todd is like, very pretty and fits all the features. He’s a sweetheart.

It was so stressful when he was a baby. And having so many disturbed sleeps with him was hard. But he’s becoming quite a sweet dog now. I mean he always was, but he’s starting to mellow out a bit, unless he’s got the zoomies. It’s nice to see him maturing. And he’s very cuddly which was nice. He was always a cuddler though, he used to make me hold him while he slept. And he still does sometimes.

He was right next to me last night though, and he was so hot and I was so hot and the sheets were so sweated on and it was very uncomfortable.

If I keep having hookups the way I do, I think it might be time to get more than one sheet set at a time. I’ve been cheaping out because of poverty, but only having one set of sheets is SAD. And I can’t do laundry all the time or I have to enter the high anxiety forced social area looking like a slut.

ANYWAY I am not retiring from being a slut, but I am thinking more about wanting a romantic partner. But a romantic partner who is also a slut. Because then we would match better. I feel like I have so much I want to experience as a bisexual trans man, but I do think sometimes how nice it would be to have someone to travel with, or someone to make dinner with, or to go on dorky movie dates. All kinds of things that aren’t totally sexual. I still want the sexual aspect of it but also MORE variety in how I engage romantically with men or anyone that isn’t purely about having orgasms would be good. I think I need to rewrite my Grindr profile.

I am still on Tinder but I think I got shadowbanned for being trans. Serves me right for letting cis het women see me in their feed.

I have finally finished my transition video! I had a super strong urge to get it done this weekend, in time for a specific submission deadline. ALSO I knew I wasn’t going to add more media to the story. I tried to add some new images but it messed with the ending, which is a fairly strong ending. I went back and forth on the title. For a while it was going to be Man Oh Man! Then it was going to be Whatever Happened to Baby Dyke? Neither of those worked because except for maybe a couple of spots, it wasn’t really a comedy. Then I wanted it to be Sunlight Through Trees but there’s another film with a similar title so I had to adjust and now it’s Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees. The title comes from a dream I had when I was anaesthetized for my top surgery and saw myself in a forest looking up at the tree tops and the sunlight was coming through the leaves.

It was a long time coming together! I’ve been collecting images and voice memos and videos this whole transition and I kind of end the video in April of this year. I could have gone longer considering my two years on T was just this last week. But I feel like the arc of the story is better this way. Even though it ends before a lot more of the fucked up stuff happens in Canada.

I’m glad I have another video out there. Last year I spent the whole year finishing my video game, so I didn’t really have a video to show for a while. And games just aren’t as popular as films in regards to festivals etc. So I DID make a whole extensive video game, but I don’t think it was really celebrated. Which is too bad. I did show it at Union Docs which was nice, but we had technical difficulties.

But now I have a new video to show places, and it’s a more accurate video of who I am today. So much of my past work is about being a butch lesbian, and now I am a bisexual trans man. I suppose there was The Lost Art of the Future but I was so early in my transition that it was hard to see me as I am now. I mean the funny thing is very little changed. And yet so much DID change. I have a flat chest now, and a shaved head. And a deeper voice. And I think I smile more which is funny because in so many trans masculine transition timelines we end up not smiling to look more masculine. But I was just happy I think.

Anyway, I hope it gets picked up places. I did include a lot of the current anti-trans legislation that is being advanced in the US, Canada, and the UK. I was having trouble with the headlines looking ugly beyond just the ugly content, but I made some revisions and it’s way better now.

I’m working on my transition video again. I think I’m closer to being finished it. It needs credits. I have to find a better png of the Toronto Arts Council logo, because they funded it and I had some other logo in another project but the resolution quality sucked when I put it in my video. So yeah gotta fix that. If I could finish it this weekend that would be amazing. Sometimes it takes so long (and this did) but sometimes when I’m editing it can wrap up so quickly.

I feel like all the headlines are kind of a lot. But also they go away in the last 1/4 of the video where I am just talking about what I have noticed. So maybe it’s ok? I think the content of the headlines is also just gross since it’s anti-trans laws and politics in the USA and Canada. And the UK. So it’s kind of meant to be ugly. It’s hard to work with ugliness. I suppose I could also make the headlines skinnier by adding white to either side of the headline to make it look a bit better. Ahhh confusing. Trying to make this ugly stuff visually appealing. I might need to make them smaller, I looked at it again and I like the ones where it’s a little less obstructive. Like there are big spots where the date is there and I don’t mind that getting obstructed at times, but going over the image is driving me a bit crazy. I have to find a happy medium! And then do it to all of the videos.

It’s weird that this video has so little actual video in it. Like the background is video, but most of the images are stills, and the audio is all voice memos. I think I need to bulk up the audio track though. It’s needing something but I don’t know what. I don’t know what audio besides my voice would work. Like background audio. The seasons change but I don’t know if that is helpful. I mean maybe the audio IS just my voice and that’s ok. Because that’s such a big part of transition, the voice getting deeper.

ANYWAY taking a break and thinking about it. I might go to the gym in a bit. I went on Thursday and was gonna maybe go today or tomorrow. I haven’t been for most of this summer until this week and I really pushed myself in the chest press (55lbs!) and my pecs still hurt.

I am re-evaluating my relationship to cannabis, because I know I am way more productive when I’m not high. So I’m thinking of making more rules around my use. I used to not do it if I had work that day until I was done, but now I think I might wait until the evenings to do it even if I don’t have a scheduled work thing. Because to be honest I always have work that I have to do. I have projects going on all the time. And I need to catch up on all of them.

I also continued re-reading an old diary from the beginning of my transition and was like WOW I had my heart broken by three different people in three different ways and only one was a romantic heartbreak. But all the people I had conflict/heartbreak with were women/femmes. And I remember two of them were very specific about demonizing me for being a man, or demonizing me for deciding to take testosterone. And it’s funny when I look back on it now because I realize those types of reactions were the reasons I delayed transitioning for so long. I wasn’t looking forward to being evicted from the relative innocence I was assumed to have because I was a woman. It’s so weird. I’m glad those people don’t have the same influence on my life now. Only one is still in my life but we don’t talk as much as before and that’s better for me.

I FIXED THE UGLY ha ha I went back into my video and fixed the thing making it not work. Now I still gotta think about audio. I remember one time I made a video in art school for my sound class and they were like “The audio is just you talking though” and so ever since then I’ve been like omg me talking is not enough! But maybe it is enough. It’s a very text heavy monologue as I discovered things about my body. And even then I didn’t really get into everything that I noticed changing because it began as a record of my voice and face. I don’t have a piano ha ha. If I made an honest video about myself the soundtrack would probably all be Tori Amos ha ha only I can’t afford her. Maybe when I get a guitar I can make soundtracks for myself that have original tunes. I have a ukulele but I’m not going to try to learn and compose a 14 minutes song for ukulele for this video by the end of summer.

I did tune my ukulele this past week and tried to learn some chords, but I think I was high (see above paragraph about this) and I didn’t really delve too much. Besides the ukulele the only other musical instrument I have in my house is a harmonica my Grandpa kept in his bedside drawer. Which is adorable really but I don’t want to learn that right now either.

I remember when I was a kid I tried to learn to play a harmonica and I had a book and a tape and it kept saying this thing about how I had to BEND my breath or something and I found it so confusing I think I gave up. It was like that Schitt’s Creek Fold in the cheese thing. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BEND MY BREATH?!

I was hoping my transition would give me a satisfying big beard in my progression photos but that did not appear. I think there is something going on with my face hair but it’s all blonde and not very exciting. I keep shaving it off anyway. Some guys dye their hair so it’s darker.

Anyway I think I actually might finish my video this weekend! I am coming to terms with my audio only being my voice. And visually it DOES look really good, I just have to do some last edits to make it look the best it can be and where all the clips are doing the right thing. And put in my credits. I don’t know who all to thank though. Do I thank people who worked on my video? Or who helped me while I was transitioning? Or who were just around and supportive? All the images were taken by me almost. OH my friend Riki took a pic that I included. And we went on a vacation together where I filmed other stuff. I don’t know about thanking the doctors and nurses involved because part of me wants to preserve their anonymity. I will probably do cheap credits where I just thank a minimal amount of people. I would thank my therapist but I don’t want anybodies to know who she is. No!

A while ago I realized something sad. I have wanted to be famous since I was a kid, and I am famous to a certain degree amongst certain people. But it also means a lot of people watch what I post or do. And a while back I posted a pic of an ex/current friend and they felt self-conscious about being tagged and didn’t want their real instagram to be mentioned because it would mean other people would know their account. And I did untag them but I felt too big and sad. Not physically big, but like, a large personality with a lot of attention that a lot of people don’t want on themselves. It was kind of a lonely feeling and I wondered how many people avoided me because I was too famous for them to be comfortable with. And I know what people usually do is then surround themselves with other famous people but then THOSE famous people are also self-conscious about who is included in their public life. It’s frustrating. I wish these were Rich person concerns but I’m not rich. I’m mostly poor. I should have added “and Rich” to my wishes to be famous. A lot of people want to be Rich and Famous but for some reason I ended up just wanting to be Famous, or just articulating the famous part anyway.

I actually have been thinking a lot about making a project about being poor. I feel like there’s so many things I could say about it and how it forces you to make choices you don’t want to make. It’s one of those projects that needs to simmer for a while though.

Two years ago I took my first subcutaneous injection of 20mg testosterone cypionate in a nurse’s office at my clinic. Maybe it was 25mg. I don’t totally remember my starting dose only that it was low to begin with. Because I was still tippy-toeing into my transition and thought I would “microdose” testosterone. That idea soon went out the window as things got better and better for me and I wanted to embrace being a trans man. I still did a slow/low introduction to testosterone but over the first year eventually ended up at 70mg. There was a brief period where I went to 80mg this year but then I could not cry for the life of me and was low level irritable all the time and HATED how it felt. So I went back down to 70mg and have been a happier more level human who still can cry when I get upset and no longer gets irrationally pissed off.

It’s been a miracle hormone for me. I know if I made a list of all the things that improved I would still forget all the amazing things. My orgasms changed which was fascinating, they are more like male orgasms now. I hear this works the other way with trans women who go on estrogen too. I got more confident, I got more outgoing. I started wanting to work out more, and eating more protein rich foods. I went from having a sweet tooth to being ravenous for any type of protein filled food especially peanut butter. I got hungrier more overall, it’s calmed a bit but definitely in the first year I was devouring all the food I had in my cupboard and fridge. SO HUNGRY like that No Face guy in Spirited Away.

I also got less romantically obsessed with crushes, which was nice. My desires changed, the people I desired changed. The way I found dates changed while I navigated gay hook up culture. I also got a lot of little romantic mini-crushes on men and non-binary people and women, but they didn’t devastate me when they didn’t work out the way I was devastated by romance on an estrogen dominant system. I felt a lot calmer and patient about dating. And there were so many people to hook up with and flirt with. I live in a big city and I know that’s part of the reason it’s so much easier getting dates now. But still it feels nice to actually feel desirable, something I didn’t really feel as a butch lesbian.

I started trying to get into more men’s spaces, but for most of the transition so far I’ve ended up in mixed queer spaces where men and women aren’t entirely sure where I belong or what I am looking for. Am I a dyke? Am I a fag? So many men have facial hair and as a Plains Cree man that has been one of the things I ended up lacking compared to other people with testosterone dominant systems. I feel like if I had a beard it would be easier for queer men to read me as a bi fag. Unfortunately no because no beard so far. I sometimes want to get bisexual flag pins or something so people know I’m open to a lot of different types of people. But then I guess they would still not be totally sure what I am or what I have between my legs.

When I got top surgery, my ability to be read as a man made huge strides. I got sirred all the time when I went to London UK, and it was nice! No one really thought otherwise. A guy bumped into me going into the men’s toilet (it was disgusting, that toilet in particular) but he said “Sorry mate!” And it was such a British way of being included with the men. No one called me mate before.

I learned a lot about men’s bathrooms. One is that often a bathroom will have ONE stall for men, and a lot of the time if it is busy someone will be taking a dump in it. AND that takes a lot longer than sitting to pee. So I have waited for a long time for that one stall. I appreciate gender neutral bathrooms that just say if they have stalls or urinals, because honestly I would prefer the bathroom with all the stalls. I am growing tired of the one stall though and am hoping in this next year I can graduate to a stand-to-pee device so I can use the more plentiful urinals in the men’s room. ALSO that toilet in Trainspotting, Scotlands Worst Toilet? That toilet def exists because I saw it in London and I saw it in Buenos Aires. It’s like, you hover and pee and wash your hands and try to never think about it again.

I listened to my voice changing and watched things in my pants get bigger and muscles bulk up and fat redistribute. And my hairline changed and although my hair had been thinning since I was 20, now it was REALLY thin and I started shaving my head.

I think shaving my head was the hardest thing to adjust to about my new embodiment of Theo, because hair is so important to anyone, even cis men. So giving it up was hard. And it was awkward to look in the mirror for a while. Until I got used to it, and then I just saw a sexy guy with a shaved head in the mirror. I recently watched a Matteo Lane stand up bit about his hair transplant surgery. They take TEN HOURS to do hair transplant surgery!

My top surgery I think took maybe two and a half hours? Maybe less I don’t totally remember because I was knocked out. Maybe two hours? I know I went under at 3:30pm and I think I was getting discharged at 5:30 or 6:00pm.

Now I want to get bottom surgery and so I am starting the process, next month we write the letter for funding. I chose a surgeon I want, we’ll see how it goes and I won’t say her name here until I know if it’s for sure, or more likely after it’s done. My nurse practitioner who has been helping me with all my trans health related care sat down with me and went over some basics of the surgery I want. The surgery only takes an hour! Way faster than top surgery. Obviously it’s not phalloplasty because that’s a very long involved surgery. BUT this surgery I want could lead to phalloplasty if I desired. I was talking about it with my therapist and was like “I don’t think I want it, but maybe?” She said “You don’t want it for now.” Which is true, I think over time my mind has shifted about how I want to live in my particular gender. And honestly I don’t think I can say things will stay the same, because I just recently got more comfortable with adding one more part to my bottom surgery that I thought I would be fine without. But now I’m like hell yeah I want balls! But also you know, I might change my mind. Bottom surgery probably won’t happen for another year or two so I could shift how I feel. I don’t know!

There’s a group of people on reddit who want more ambiguous genitals with like, a dick and a vagina at the same time. And as a bottom that’s really appealing to me too. I know people have all kinds of reasons why they want their bodies to have or not have certain elements. But for myself that feels more like what I will end up going with.

I also changed my name and gender on all my ID and that was a fucking PAIN IN THE ASS. I still am looking at a 3 hour phone call with CRA to update something and just DREADING it and avoiding it. But everything else is changed except my name at my alma maters. I think maybe someday I will try to get my degrees re-issued with my real name on them. But all my ID matches me, what I look like now and who I am and my gender. Getting through the borders is a lot easier now, although admittedly I’ve only crossed the American border and not other borders on my new passport. And there was that snag the last time until they saw my status card and said I could come to America and work any time because I have status in both countries. BUT that wasn’t a gender related snag at all, which was nice. When I left Buenos Aires my passport was still from before I got my facial tattoo even, so the airport person was concerned I was not the person in the passport. BUT new passport is much more accurate of a reflection of me. So yeah, a relief!

I know I can’t ever be stealth, because anyone could google me and find out who I am. But to be more stealth in situations where I’m with strangers is kind of ideal. Like yeah I want to be able to walk into the mens room and use the toilet (just maybe not the horrible shitbowls I’ve seen sometimes), I want to be able to go into the men’s locker room and not get weird looks. I want to be able to walk around with my shirt off at the beach or whatever.

So a lot of changes, essentially I still feel like the same person. But things definitely shifted for me even just internally in how I relate to the world. In good ways. My mental health really improved too, like a low level sadness I was just accepting sort of vanished. It’s nice.

So I opened an old diary from earlier in the pandemic and read through a tragic relationship. And wow, with the benefit of time and distance I can see so many things that were wrong about that situation. Like, there were a lot of hot/cold, push/pull stuff going on in the relationship. Long silent treatments and then these weird apologies and then it would happen again, over and over. And for some reason instead of walking away like I would now, I would stay and try to work things out. I don’t know, I would also take on too much responsibility for why things were fucking up in that connection. Like I had legit reasons to complain and ask for better behaviour but instead I would bend over backwards trying to fix it.

And I was so convinced it was meant to be when it was just a big mess. Wow when I read my diary from that time period I just want to tell myself to give it up and walk away and save my dignity. UGH. Gross.

My therapist recently asked if the reason that my relationships haven’t really worked out so far is because I’m being protected from unsuitable partners and I kind of think it’s true. It’s a valid question anyway, especially since for the most part I’m glad most of my romantic relationships either ended or transitioned to friendships. I just feel so bummed that I wasted so much time looking back and pining for someone who couldn’t even be respectful to me when we were dating. Ugh it’s depressing. BUT also I did have to go through kind of a romantic transitory period while transitioning where I wasn’t spending time on someone else. So in a way it was good I was single the beginning of my transition.

I think the other good thing about reading old diaries is seeing how I have changed so much. Before testosterone, I was so fuelled by romantic obsession. Estrogen is a wacky hormone! And it’s not for me, although I know everyone has a bit of estrogen in their system. But my testosterone is more dominant now and although I do get romantic feelings for people, they’re not obsessive like before. Like they are curiosities. And if someone wants to follow up on my curiosity for them maybe I would let the romantic feelings get bigger. But so far no one has really picked it up. So I don’t have big romantic feelings for anyone really right now. I have crushes and stuff but they tend to start with sexual desire more than romantic desire. I’m not aromantic though. Just, things are different.

I feel bad for myself when I was hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t love me at all. And I just kept trying to make it work. But if I was dating that person now, I would have walked away as soon as they started being inconsistent.

Also I just don’t think I have the same feeling of romantic scarcity that I had when I was dating them. Being a lesbian and looking for lovers was fucking HARD and I was pretty demisexual I think so it was hard finding people that matched. But now dating as a bisexual trans man, there’s so many more options and even just having sex and finding sexual partners is ridiculously easy. I’m not romantically dating anyone right now, but I don’t feel like, as almost desperate as I felt dating as a lesbian. I feel more calm and centred and like, if someone comes along then great, but in the meantime I am doing my career and having casual sex and hanging out with friends. Also I don’t feel jealousy the same way. Like, I can date or fool around with people and not get anxious when they are fucking other men/people. Things are just a lot easier.

It’s hard to look at someone who broke my heart and be like “Wow they did me a favour.” But they did. I don’t know, reading this old stuff was illuminating.

I also finally deleted their phone number and blocked their Instagram. So it’s like putting the final nail in the coffin I guess. I’m sure they don’t even check up on me though. And their Instagram was always private so I never really knew anything about them since the end of our friendship/relationship. Wow that was a weird time in my life. I am so relieved it’s over. And hopefully I can stay on testosterone so I’m never that lost in “love” feelings again.

I’m really busy right now, ever since I got home. I’ve been catching up on work. I didn’t have a lot of time for work in Saskatoon and now it’s like, back to all my jobs. I’ve been having meetings and stuff. I actually missed two meetings by accident, one was because I put the time in my calendar in Saskatoon and forgot to update it to EST. So it was two hours behind in my calendar and I missed it! And then the other meeting I missed because I was hyperfocused on doing my syllabus. So that was too bad but I caught up with all those people now. I really need to set more alarms for myself, I lose track of time so easily. My calendar used to be a good enough reminder but it’s not working like it used to.

I was throwing my hands up in the air and like, giving up on Canada Council grants. But then someone convinced me to give it another shot. So I am slowly getting all the materials together for the fall deadline. I was also intimidated by doing the budget, but the budget is not as horrible as I assumed. I have one project I think I can do in two years, and then hopefully another project I can finish in a year. BUT ALSO I might just make this one big project a three year project. Because it does have a lot of steps, AND I can include another project in at the same time. Because I would like to work on more than one project.

My transition video was on hold during travels. So I haven’t worked on it for a while. I need to edit in a lot more things. It’s taking so much longer to edit now that there are background videos, so I need to figure that out, or hit render more I guess. I am hoping to finish it by the end of this summer though.

OH something exciting in my transition did happen! ***TMI WARNING****

I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner who deals with trans health care to talk about metoidioplasty. Which is a bottom surgery. I’m hoping to get a simple release metoidioplasty next summer. So that’s a thing. I don’t feel like I have to fit a particular shape of a guy though. Like I do feel like a man, but I’m ok with genitals that aren’t like a cis man’s genitals. But they could work in a way I appreciate more. So that’s happening. I have to pick a surgeon. She gave me the email address to ask if OHIP has worked with funding particular surgeons, so I have it narrowed down to three or four surgeons and am going to send an email about them. There’s one in the USA I particularly want, but I’m not sure I’m small enough fat wise for her. It’s complicated!!! I hate bmi stuff but yeah it comes up a lot.

I’m being bothered by my fighting dogs right now. Play fighting. Well I think Todd is being annoying to Posey. TODD cut it out! He’s such a brat. Puppy adolescence is no joke! He’s very willful and ridiculous. And he goes to sleep so late and he wakes up so early. It’s hard because he’s bouncing all over me while he’s awake. So it makes falling asleep and staying asleep difficult.

I’m doing the syllabus for my class so I’ve been looking through the online journals and stuff for readings. I’m realizing I may have to revise which films from which directors I am showing because there’s more writing about one film than another.

I’m having a good time otherwise I suppose. I also have to get materials ready for a workshop later in August because some of it has to be translated into Spanish. I’m hanging out with my dogs and mostly sticking close to home. It’s nice just being home for a little bit. Although I remember I got antsy about wanting to travel while I couldn’t because of my name change going through. So maybe that’s just my curse, to want to travel when I can’t and want to stay home when I have to travel.

I do like traveling though. I think the anxiety comes from me needing to get dog sitters all the time because I have sucky dog babies ha ha. They’re sweet but yeah, organizing that is stressful.

I have therapy on Monday! I had to skip this past week because I was traveling and then she was unable to reschedule. So I am gonna be happy to get to talk to her again soon. I haven’t seen her since before Saskatoon so that’s a whole thing to talk about. And I guess other things happened. I got a job! That’s right, I didn’t talk to her after that happened yet. I did tell her in an email because I will be able to pay her higher rate when I get paid. I need to redo my budget actually.

I’m struggling for the rest of the summer though, because money is few and far between right now. So that will be a pain. Posey had mystery bloody poops for 24 hours and I almost had to find money for the vet, but then she got better and I think it was just dog anxiety because she went to my friend’s house with their roommates for a night. Blood poops, so dramatic! She’s fine now. There was a series of texts back and forth about her poops. So that poo emoji IS helpful.

I made it back to Saskatoon for my first time in two years. It’s been really nice. Something I like about coming back to my territory is I learn new things about myself every time. I visited my cousin and she let me try on my late Grandpa’s cowboy hat. And even though it’s prob 2 sizes too big for me right now, it does look really good on me. And then my Uncle John decided to give it to me, so I have that now and it’s really nice! I actually also decided I want a felt cowboy hat. And then I talked to my Dad yesterday and he offered to give me his Grandfather’s cowboy hat from the 50’s which is a brown Stetson flat top. So someday I will see it I suppose!

I also visited my Dad obviously, and I’ve seen my Mom a lot and it has been nice. I saw a couple of cousins and a bunch of friends. And my Uncle John and one of my fave exes/friends. I also went to Sasktel Jazzfest and took mushrooms with my friends and watched Jewel and Melissa Etheridge. I knew very few of their songs but it was still fun. There was a thunderstorm when Melissa got on and I was surprised they went ahead with it because normally the Jazzfest cancels outdoor concerts during a thunderstorm. I guess Melissa’s team was determined to play though. And like, the rain did let up about ten minutes into her concert so it was fine really. She didn’t get hit by lightning anyway.

I also got a psychic reading from one of my fave Youtuber tarot readers, Cosmic Tarot. It was SO fucking accurate holy crap! I was pretty amazed. I’d been watching her collective tarot readings for Taurus and also Sagittarius and they often had points that resonated with me. And I like her style of doing readings. So I had to get a personal reading because I was looking for a psychic and she really tapped into my energy it was incredible. I’ve had a couple of disappointing psychic readings in the last couple of years, so I was so pleased with this one. The other ones just didn’t “fit” with what I was experiencing at the time. But this one made sense in so many ways. I won’t detail it here.

But one thing I have been noticing which she picked up is this closer connection with a spiritual world. I’ve noticed it since I began transitioning. I mean I knew spirits were around and have had experiences before, but this is getting more and more clear in the last two years. I’ve been able to communicate with my Grandpa without any tools or anything, just in this space. I don’t know how to explain it. Telepathically I guess. It’s not like I have to say my answers or questions out loud. But it def feels like he communicates with me and I “hear” his voice although it’s not an audible hearing if that makes sense. Also I’ve been seeing spirits finally. A lot of stuff in my peripheral vision, but also some full on apparitions in front of me. One was a little girl back at the Whaley House in San Diego. But mostly they are lights or shadows, like orbs and light forms and stuff.

There’s also some spiritual stuff I found out about myself by coming back home and talking with relatives who have some spiritual knowledge. So that’s been interesting, and of course not something I will talk about here in public except that it makes things make sense for me. Like protective things and that sort of stuff.

It’s been a good trip, and I am so relieved because I was apprehensive about coming back to Saskatoon. I mean, not everyone is getting my name or pronouns right. But they are trying which does mean something to me. And no one has been acting fucked up to me or anything. Most strangers here just see me as a dude which is nice. And my friends are all still my friends and I got to see a lot of them and catch up on Saskatoon gossip. There’s a whole kink/leather world in this town that I was never really a part of while I lived here, so hearing stuff about that was kind of cool. I was never really a part of the film community here either. I’m not sure why that was, I just didn’t gel I guess. I am much more rooted in Toronto now.

I like coming back to Saskatoon for this visit, but I go back home tomorrow evening and I am pretty sure I’ll be ready by then. If I stayed two weeks it might start to drag on and get weird/shitty. But I think this is like, eight days, and it’s been fine. I’m also staying with a friend instead of my Mom and that’s been good. BUT I have seen my Mom a lot, like almost every day except for a couple days. I think it’s better for us that I’m not at her house the whole time. Like, we can see each other and be happy and then go to our separate spaces at the end of the day and it’s fine. Even before things got weird last time, she would always be a bit stressed out by me being at her house, like the way I would take up space and stuff. And I dunno, I guess I feel weird being a grown up and being in my Mom’s house all the time. SO I think it was a good move.

I miss my dogs!!! I love them so much and I get to be home for a good long while when I return to Toronto. My next trip is to London Ontario for a few days to get settled in as the Artist in Residence/Professor. I’m going to be commuting I think with one night a week in London and taking Via rail there and back. So we’ll see how long that lasts. I mean it has to last ha ha it’s my job. I just got a teaching position there for the Fall term which is a film studies class so I am making up the syllabus now and I think it will be super fun. It’s Indigenous Cinema! I am having a hard time whittling down which films to show, there’s so many good ones!!! It’s really nice that we have this problem, that Indigenous Cinema is so deep and beautiful from so many filmmakers and so many countries. I mean even though the last few months was rough, I really do love the Indigenous film community and all the work people have done.