Category Archives: News

Carmilla Game Play of a Work in Progress

Watch me play Carmilla! It’s not done yet, but a lot of features are working so you can see those. Also the cemetery level is near perfect and you can see that again (it’s been cleaned up!).

Also I narrate this game play so it’s kinda silly. But you can hear my genuine anxiety when the timer is nearing the end in the cemetery level! I was worried I would lose, and instead I beat it, but I pressed a button too soon for the calming almost winning screen to stay for very long. I have lots to fix! Like if I just add wait for seconds on the code for the last game, it would hold that screen long enough to see it.

Also it needs a lot more sound design, and I’m not done with the Diner yet either. And not all the conversations are enabled and some of the health bars aren’t in the right spot or the right layer or the right size. And the falling in love thing is still being coded and I am trying multiple different ways to get it to do what I want but honestly it’s going to take a lot more work.

BUT I feel like the development of this game is nearing the end and I’m pretty confident it will be done by the end of March. At least done enough that my friends can properly play test it for me. After I do that and get feedback and work on it a little more, it should be ready to release on So that’s exciting!!!


OHIP approved my top surgery! YAY I got funded. I still have to pay like, $3000 for contouring because that isn’t covered by OHIP. But that’s fine, I have that much money. I don’t know when I am going to do it, I need to get a consultation first and then I have to schedule it around a big project that is hopefully happening this year. So it might not happen until next winter. Or else it will have to happen in the early summer if I can get in that fast. I also have to find some friends who are willing to drop by and help me out while I am recovering. And I’m just always trying to be so independent but there are friends I know who would feel ok dropping by, if they still live here at that point.

I’m excited about my upcoming vacation to San Diego for my birthday. I want to do so many things! And then we are going to Joshua Tree for a couple of nights. We have an Airbnb near the beach in San Diego, so that’s fun. I just wanted to be somewhere sunny and have fun. ALSO maybe I’m just going to start going away for my birthdays, since that’s what I did last year too when I went to New Orleans.

Posey is good. I am discovering she likes things like apple if it’s a small enough piece. I thought she didn’t care for apple. Actually I thought I didn’t care for apple either, but I’ve been buying honeycrisps and they’re so good.

My diet is getting better since I’ve gotten on T. I think it’s because I’m more motivated to build muscle so I’m more obviously looking masculine. So I am eating a lot of high protein things like nuts and peanut butter. And peanut butter cliff bars are amazing and I am also drinking high protein shakes when I work out. And I’ve started drinking a glass of lactose free milk before bed because I read that it helps you build muscle in your sleep. And since I’ve been eating more apples I’m starting to do better with my fruit intake. I also eat berries but that was always true. I also don’t eat so much candy, before I used to eat TONS of candy and my triglycerides were high. And now I barely eat candy. I still get sweet cravings at night though.

I’m doing better overall I think. I can see ways my body and face are changing and that makes me happy. Also my voice keeps getting deeper and keeps cracking and things. So that is pretty affirming. I might just end up being a muscly guy with a square jaw and a deep voice and I think I could live with that. I mean there are other things that have changed that aren’t immediately apparent though. I think after top surgery a lot of my dysphoria will be resolved. I don’t have too much bottom dysphoria, so I think that will be the end of my surgeries unless I decide on metoidioplasty. But that’s a ways off. But who knows you know I can’t say for sure all the things that will happen in my life. I do want to do a name and gender change on my ID, so I’m going to need to get a letter from my doctor and pay all the things to update it all the places. Such a drag. I dread it just because of the paperwork involved. But I want to do most of these things soon before fascism really gets bad here and makes transitioning harder. I mean it might be fine though I don’t know. I’ve found the moral panic over trans people really tiresome.

I remember when being gay was appalling to most people though, and I do remember how people tried to tie our community to pedophilia a long time ago. So it’s kind of like I’m just old enough to see these weird cis-heterosexually driven moral panics rise up again and again. They don’t always work, but sometimes they do! So it’s best to stay vigilant I suppose. Like they worked in Nazi Germany. They half failed in the USA after gay marriage was legalized but then they’re coming back so I dunno. Canada is still pretty good. I likely won’t leave here to live in another country, unless shit went down. But whatever.

My vampire video game is nearing the end. I installed a dialogue system on the BDSM Club level, and now all the characters say stuff. I made it so you can choose to bite someone by pressing “B” instead of just touching them. And that totally resolved an issue of it not being consensual by anyone when they got bit. There are still consequences if you kill someone. I fixed the persistent data issue where the vampire health bar was not updating in each level you played. That was a simple fix in the end, I just needed a static float I think. It was a static something or another that the game could remember from level to level. So that’s ONE qualification to win fixed. I’m pretty happy with how it is turning out.

I need to finish the Diner level and put in all the people to talk with there. I also think I need a couple more people on the street level. And then I need to put the dialogue system into the Diner and Street levels. And then figure out how to code a character following the vampire through multiple levels. That’s probably going to be the most challenging. Then I have to write code to check if these two things are met for the character to win. I don’t think that will be too too hard. After that and tying up loose ends like the game over screens and the start screen and game play instructions screen, I think it will be done! I am anticipating finishing by the end of March. Then I can get my Canada Council Final Report in and move on!

I also need to write a script. And so far all my creative time has been going to this game. I find it very hard to switch my creative brain over between projects, which is too bad. I have people interested in this script though and it’s not done at all so I really do need to figure out a way to get it up to speed. Plus I was asked to read at Glad Day in April and they want a screenplay so like obviously I’m just going to read a scene or two, but I need to write it. So maybe that will motivate me. I kind of ended up getting a lot of grants one year and obviously I need to finish them so I can get more. And I want to apply for a big project after this that will go over a few years, so I need to clear these two final reports so I can apply. AHHH I also need to fill out my travel grant final report.

I was asked to do a short residency this summer but I had to turn it down because I need some space to do this bigger project. It’s too bad there’s not enough of me to go around.

I am super conscious of how much my time is worth these days. Like, if someone else will do something for me if I pay them for it, I would much rather do that so I can work on my projects. I know this is pretty privileged though. When I think about my life when I had so little energy and was working a long demeaning job like call centre work, I could not muster up energy for projects like I can now. I don’t think I want to teach either because I’ve also seen some people feel demeaned by that job too. I like mentoring people in more informal ways if I’m getting compensated, but ugh, teaching university classes sounds awful. I’m sorry I can’t do it!

Anyway. Blah blah blah I gotta go to the dentist in a bit so I should go I guess before I get stuck writing and never finish this.

Trying to write more frequently I guess!

OMG it took me so long to write another entry here! I used to write more frequently. Anyway, I did get locked out of my site for a few days, so it took a while to get back here AND have time to write.

I don’t know, things are good. I solved that problem in my vampire game of the character needing to kill everyone to see consequences. Now it just takes killing one other character to face consequences. Right now my issue is trying to program persistent data so that the Vampire health meter is the same when she switches levels. Then I’m going to be drawing more assets, because the big thing after that is going to be putting in a dialogue system. I have all these hopes for elegant detailed conversation but realistically I know I can only program short conversations between the vampire and the characters. I know you can buy premade dialogue systems, which definitely is tempting. I also have a materials budget from McMaster so I could spend it on that. I don’t know. I tried to buy another premade thing from the asset store but it wasn’t doing the code I wanted. So I didn’t use it.

I also made the diner level, it needs people in it and a few more details. But it looks pretty cool. I think the wallpaper is kind of ugly tho and I’m wondering if I should make it a white diner with red accents. Ahhh!

Work is good. Busy! Besides that there’s been some work on my feature so that has been exciting. Hopefully things go forward this year. It’s been such a long development process and it’s exciting to finally be heading into soft prep. But we have to get some money together so it’s gonna be a bit.

I’ve been doing a residency at McMaster so I’m trying to be on campus twice a week. This week I only went once tho, because I saw an astrologer on Wednesday night and it went quite late. So I needed to sleep in.

(CW for weight talk in next paragraph)
I am still hovering at the same weight I was when I came back from Austria. It’s nice I guess. I also wonder how much of my body changing is because I’m building more muscle? Testosterone does do things to your metabolism also so it’s likely also helping. I still eat a lot, I’m not starving myself. But I exercise more which is making my body feel good. I’m going to the gym later this evening. I’ve been going a couple times a week. I just do cardio there but I think I’m going to try and get a personal trainer or someone to show me how to use the weight machines. Because I’ve been doing dumbbells at home to gain muscle but the weight machines look fun and like I could actually work out with heavier weights.

Anyway it’s just been work these days, haven’t done a lot of socializing outside of that. It’s nice that I work with cool people as a general rule, they are all positive people. Oh no my hand is shaky! Why is that? I totally just ate and had some juice so it can’t be low blood sugar. Plus my health has improved and I’m not pre-diabetic anymore anyway.

I’m trying to become one of those people who casually tidies throughout the day. I did some today, it went pretty decently but of course things got all messy since then.

Posey has been doing great, she loves her walks, she loves snoozing next to me, and she’s more perky on a walk since she got smaller. I love her. I’m so glad I get to be with her. I feel fortunate!

I’m pretty happy overall these days actually, which has been really nice for me. Definitely an improvement since I was taking Depo-Provera and got all suicidal. But now I’m not on any birth control and I’m on a list to see a gynecologist to get my tubes tied but it will be months before that happens.

Settling into new/old stuff

I am back in Toronto! I had an uneventful but very long transit back on New Year’s Eve.

(TW/CW for body talk/weight/exercise for the next bit)

I lost fifteen pounds on my trip, which was super surprising to me because I thought I got fatter. But I didn’t, actually when I came back I was out of breathe a lot less often, and because of carrying two suitcases around I was also able to carry a medium sized box with barely any effort. Stronger! I have since gained almost five pounds back. But I’ve stayed at a decent for me weight because it’s close to the BMI I think McLean clinic wants before they will do top surgery on you. And I know there are other surgeons where it doesn’t matter but I just know more people who went to McLean. Anyway! I won’t be crushed if I don’t stay at this weight. But I am really liking the not being out of breath stuff and carrying heavy things easier. And it makes me think I’m more in shape for things like sex (not looks wise just not getting puffed out so fast). So I’ve decided to keep trying to exercise to maintain this. I’m still eating what I want more or less, but I don’t order in as much, and I’ve switched drinking Coke for drinking water. I am not gonna count calories or anything like that though. I think that gets into sketchy territory, or it would for me. I got a trial membership at the YMCA for a week and I’ve been three times to do cardio. It’s just a really nice activity, to be around strangers who are all working out. Also I’m probably still mostly seen as a woman when I go there, but that is shifting and there’s a universal change room with individual changing stalls there, so I started using it and for some reason because there’s often men in it I feel more at home. I thought I would feel more threatened being around cis guys and being a trans guy who is at the beginning of a transition, but it was fine, they honestly didn’t care. I don’t know if I would feel differently if I was in specifically the mens change room. I am hoping to eventually just use the mens change room but it’s nice to have this universal change room while I feel like I’m presenting more ambiguously.

I went on a date with someone and it was super nice and super low pressure and I think we’ll see each other again. I’m also trying to date other people, but mostly I’m just glad I’m open and available to date people again.

I was thinking I was heteroflexible, but now I am back to thinking I’m bisexual. I don’t know I’m exploring things about my gender and sexuality. I think going to the YMCA also made me think more about guys because there are just so many there. Also I go to the Y near the Village so it’s full of queers. I can see an aesthetic appreciation of men. I am still unsure of romantic things because I’ve never fallen in love with a man before. Nonbinary people for sure though. Anyway, it’s interesting to feel my perspective solidify into a more masculine perspective. Because I think desiring men as a man is different than the viewpoint I had before.

I don’t know how to talk about my past, because I was SUCH a lesbian, and now I’m a man, but at the same time I kind of always was a man and when I think of my childhood I think of myself as a little boy. Even some of my favourite pictures of me just seem like an average little boy, maybe with longer hair than usual little boys but that’s all. But being a lesbian for so long was really nice in community ways. I think I was a little terrified when I came out that I would get shunned, but that hasn’t happened. It’s been a little awkward maybe at times though.

My mom and I’s relationship is improving. We’ve been in therapy and I promised I wouldn’t talk about it. But we have progressed to having a few phone calls during the week, so I actually know more about her and I feel a bit relieved to be able to talk to her about other things in my life that I would normally talk about with my mom. Like art world stuff and that kind of thing.

I feel like transitioning is starting to draw in more potential partners. I just think people didn’t really know what to do with me before, because there was obviously gender stuff going on with me and people have specific tastes. And I think they just didn’t know where I was gonna take it. I mean the funny thing is most of the people I dated in the past are also open to dating trans men. So in some ways I don’t know if it would have bothered any of my exes if I had transitioned while we were together. There were other things about me that bothered them I guess ha ha.

I mean there might be other things that change about me that become turn offs to some people though. Like if I do get way more muscular, some people just don’t find that kind of thing sexy. I mean a lot do though. But some don’t, so in a way I’m gonna miss being desired as a fat person. I’m still on the bigger end of things but even that is small fat. I don’t know how to explain this. It’s just really nice to desire and be desired by as a fat person. So I don’t know what it’s going to be like to be more muscly.

I have always wanted to be able to hold someone up against the wall while we’re fucking though, so maybe that can be a new dream to realize.

I have work still. I am still working on the video game. I managed to get the stake to kill the vampire, but to trigger the stake you have to kill ALL OF THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM which is the opposite of what I want to have happen, where killing one person triggers losing the game. No this is just a total vampire bloodbath! So I’ve been googling the answer to my coding issue and trying to get any ONE object destroyed to trigger the stake. But I don’t know how to do it and I’ve been messing with an array but yeah, that’s my current issue. Also I need to make another level, I need to do a diner. But I drew the asset of the counter at a very specific visual perspective and I’m having trouble envisioning how the other assets of the diner will work together in the scene. So I can either go googling or asking for coding answers, or draw assets. ALSO I am trying to get a step outline done of my new feature script, which I could be pitching to someone except I gave them the worst first pitch already and I want to actually look like I’ve thoroughly fleshed this idea out before going back to them. I took notes from a notes meeting recording the other day and I think I’m going to try and work on it tomorrow. Today I have two meetings to do, one about a project/event, and the other about my OTHER feature which is completely written.

I’ve been worried how my career will handle me being a trans guy. Because like discrimination etc. So far it has been ok, if I lost any opportunities I feel ok about it. I’ve still been asked to speak in classes and show films and present stuff and had studio visits from different curators so like, things are still happening. I feel sort of like, I was meant to make films about identity and stuff so that there could be things existing in this political climate that show trans lives right now. Because there’s so many anti-trans laws being drawn up and stuff in the UK and the US and that stuff always makes its way into Canada. We already have assholes threatening drag story times up here, ridiculous. I actually do a lot of work in the United States so it would be nice if they could stop being transphobic. Plus this is Indian Land, come on, fuck off with your colonial bullshit. That’s my favourite thing to tell transphobes, let them know their transphobia is also rooted in racism and colonialism. And that they aren’t wanted on this territory. Fuck off!

But yeah I guess I am curious if funders will see the value in me telling trans stories. I got turned down for a grant recently about being trans, which sucks. I’m going to do the project anyway because it’s mostly gathering ephemera over a long period of time to talk about my transition. But it does suck not to get money.

On the other hand I did get a screenwriting grant to tell a horror story about a trans masculine person, and if this one company likes it they might produce it. So not all bad things.

I guess I’m just really tired of being part of minorities whose stories aren’t considered universal, while white stories are. I just think capitalism really crushed the diversity of storytelling, specifically when it comes to film.

A new name, but kind of the same name for work

So I have a new name now, which I’m not gonna update on most of my social and stuff because I want to stick with TJ Cuthand for work reasons (it’s a pain in the ass to change it everywhere and I do not want to go through that again ha ha). I am now Theo Jean Cuthand. But yeah if you are talking about me for work still use TJ just so people don’t get confused. I don’t know. I just don’t want to go through the internet again trying to fix my name everywhere. I mean really it’s a JOB going through all that shit. I’m still finding my deadname here and there on stuff where the only person who could change it is me and that’s such a drag.

Anyway, I was drawn to using the name Theo because it sounds similar to my deadname, it would be the same initials, I was partial to it as a kid because I named one of my pets Theodore (he was a rat!), and also because Vincent Van Gogh’s supportive brother was named Theo, and I want to be supportive to emerging artists so it kind of fits. But it’s not Theodore it’s just Theo.

I am leaving Vienna soon! TWO DAYS and I’m outta here! I’m ready to go, I got super lonely especially over the holidays. I did meet a new friend through Tinder so that was nice. But I miss home. I miss my friends, I miss my dog, I miss my bed, I miss legal weed, I miss Canadian food, I miss being able to use Uber Eats and Doordash. I miss Earls Cajun Chicken and BBQ ribs. That’s like my all time go to dinner order and they def don’t have Earls in Vienna. Or I am pretty sure they don’t anyway. So I’m ready to come home. My game is in a way more advanced stage and I think I’m going to be able to finish the main coding I have to do for it this next month in my next residency. So that’s exciting. I am going to make one of the characters have blood giving properties so the vampire can feed, and I am trying to figure out a mechanism so the vampire can meet their lover and have a romantic encounter. Not sure how I will do that though.

Christmas here was nice, I’ve been to so many Christmas Markets. I went to the one in Berlin that was attacked by a terrorist in 2016, and they have GIANT barricades on all the roads leading to it so no one can drive a truck through it again. I went to a molecular gastronomy Michelin starred restaurant in Berlin and had all this wild and elaborate food which was really good (I didn’t like the pike tho). They first brought out these tiny savoury things that looked like desserts, including this lollipop with somehow savoury cotton candy wrapped around it. At one point they brought me a cup of foam that was actually filled with pieces of spicy crispy chicken. Just wacky stuff! One looked like stuff in a petri dish, and it was pieces of pickled kohlrabi surrounded by a kohlrabi sauce topped with slices of kohlrabi and small granule shaped drops of blood orange juice that was frozen by liquid nitrogen. It was nuts! But beautiful. I want to dine at a restaurant like that again, it was just too amazing.

I have escaped all the winter storms that were happening in North America, it’s been relatively mild here. It barely snowed, and when it did the snow went away pretty quick. I almost miss the snow but I know I will feel differently when it’s February in Toronto and I’m shovelling us out again.

I’m ready to be home. I think the first month here was ok, but then after that I got super lonely and missed my life back home. I did get to meet some cool artists though, and it was nice to have space and time to focus on a project. I didn’t get the webseries shot though, unfortunately. But the game came a long way.

Also my drawing skills have improved as I’ve worked on my game. I’m considering if I should redraw some things that were in the cemetery level and see if I can make it look better. I know the grass was way too long, and I could make a different ground that is at a more realistic scale. The handy thing about Unity is if you want to replace a sprite with another sprite, you can just swap them in the Inspector and it will still keep all the settings and stuff. Also it might be nice to smooth some lines out in the maze.

I think my favourite level is the BDSM club. I put a lot of work into it. There’s a St. Andrews cross where you can get whipped, there’s several people whose blood you can drink (but shouldn’t for most of them), there’s ramifications if you go around killing people (I still need to work on the coding for this but basically a hand with a stake comes out and stabs you to death if you start killing people, or that’s what it’s SUPPOSED to do but I needed to take a break before I could finish it exactly). I’m still trying to figure out what a dialogue system would look like in this game, and now I am wondering if that is really necessary. Originally it was going to be so you could talk to people about consent or finding love. But I’m also thinking it would be nice to be able to make a more universal game that anyone could play regardless of language spoken. At the same time negotiating consent was a big part of the game’s initial concept, so it would be disappointing to just not put it in.

After I get the main stuff in, I need to start coding it so that it will remember what happened in different levels. Like if you fed in the BDSM club then I would want that to be reflected even when you go to the street or the cemetery.

I’m also a bit concerned about censorship, cause like it does have adult themes and I was hoping to be able to put it on but I don’t know if they have rules against that. If worse comes to worse I will host it here and you will be able to download a desktop version.

It sucks that Queer artists have to deal so much with internet censorship. Like ok, I’ve been making work since 1995, very Queer work, and there’s been censorship since the beginning of my career (and long before). But it feels like it’s getting worse. You can’t even use certain words on online spaces without triggering censor algorithms. Like the three letter F word, a gay friend of mine used it in a post on Facebook and got thrown in FB jail for it. But it’s his community! So frustrating. That is not the progress people think it is. And people saying shit like “unalive” because if they say kill or die it triggers the algorithms to ban them for abusive language. It’s very frustrating as an artist who likes to use language in my work. I feel like it’s changing the way we communicate in a detrimental way. And it’s def changing the kind of work you can show. I mean you can make anything you want, and you can write anything you want, but in a lot of online spaces those writings and art works will not be able to be seen.

I’m so glad I have my own website.

My voice is now sounding like a teen boy

It was my 21st shot of testosterone today. Hard to believe it’s already been this long! My voice sounds way different now, I recorded a short story vid for my instagram and I sound like a teenage boy. Definitely a masculine sounding voice, it’s really cool and makes me pretty happy.

I feel like it has sounded deeper on other days, but that’s the comparison between a couple weeks on T and 20 weeks on T.

Pre-T and after 21 Shots of T
TJ comparison of pre t and 20 weeks of t.

This comparison photo has been making me pretty happy because I feel like there’s something more feminine that’s disappearing, and my jawline is getting more square and masculine. I tried to match the smile in the pre-T shot but I felt like I was making a silly face so I couldn’t do it! Maybe that would make it easier to see differences tho, if I matched the smile. Oh well. Also I have zits today which is def because I’m in my second puberty but doesn’t make me feel as cute in the second shot. Oh well!

I had a good time in Prague! I went into a nuclear bunker, which scared the shit out of me because it was 85 steps down a spiral staircase with a big space in the middle where you could see to the bottom. And my legs were all shaky, I thought I would have to inch worm down. I made it though! Even though my legs continued to shake for a couple of minutes after we hit the bottom. The guide told us about his childhood in Communist Czechoslovakia, and how his education involved a lot of military exercises even as a child, in learning to operate rifles and gas masks and grenades. It sounded very traumatizing. He escaped by going through Yugoslavia. I also went on a ghosts and legends tour and found out there’s a church there with a severed skeletal hand of someone who tried to steal the Virgin Mary statue to sell, and somehow he got caught and couldn’t release himself so the police chopped off his hand so he could get free and then the church just like, kept it! And hung it on the wall. There were also these medieval underground houses we went into that were also creepy because they had sketchy stairs to get down. Again my legs were all wiggly and shaky. We also saw a torture chamber from that era which was across the courtyard in another underground building. Apparently there’s a lot of underground buildings there.

I wasn’t there for very long but long enough to see how beautiful the place was and to want to come back and have more adventures.

This week I go to Berlin from Wednesday until Sunday, which is gonna be fun. I’m going to see a show I am in at Schwules Museum called Queering the Crip, so I am excited about that.

I am leaving Vienna on the 31st of December, which is finally coming up pretty soon. I think the rest of my time here is going to fly by. I got a green screen today so I can finally think about shooting my webseries. It’s a very simple green screen set up, and it won’t be done before I leave cause I’ll need to edit and things. Also my video game is very far progressed which I am happy about, but I still need to finesse the choice between conversation or biting, and I need to build some sort of dialogue system. So I want to have all the characters in there before I leave and then continue fixing it up at home. I’m doing a residency at McMaster University starting in January, so I’ll be spending my time finishing up these projects there. I’ve been taking these short trips to Prague and Berlin as my time off, because I’ve been working really hard while I am here. I’m glad most of my things are done though for my game. Like, I really did get so much finished so I am happy about that.

Krampus Lauf and Gender Dysphoria

I had so much fun at the Krampuslauf in Salzburg. Here’s my best video from it. I tried to take pics but it was night time, so not a great time to take pics of moving people. But I did get some good videos. I’m glad I went, it was so wild! I know some of these Krampus runs are more violent but this was way more family friendly and pretty sweet. And if you stood near children the Krampuses would come after them to try and scare them.

Anyway, I have been dealing with my low self esteem when it comes to relationships in therapy and I was trying to figure out where it’s coming from, besides not having a long term relationship ever. But also I felt ugly my whole life. And then this week I was like WAIT A MINUTE! I feel ugly because I have gender dysphoria. I honestly thought I just felt shitty about myself, I didn’t realize I was feeling disappointment at not seeing a more masculine me in the mirror. It was both a relief and also kind of sad, because I realized it wasn’t really a reflection of whether I am cute or not. It’s just the gender I’m currently presenting.

Although the gender I am presenting is starting to shift with testosterone. I’m noticing more things different in my face. I put a pic of myself pre-T next to me on T and there’s differences, I don’t know what it is though but it’s shifting.

I went out with a trans masc person I met on Tinder the other day and I could see this amazing shift between them looking like a guy and then being more ambiguous. I wonder if I am presenting that way now? It was so interesting, like watching gender shimmering.

I’m also noticing more changes in my pants, which is nice cause I was kinda bummed that not much was changing down there. But it IS changing and getting bigger, which makes me happy. I can’t talk about it very many places tho. But yah ha ha I wanted to have a cupcake to celebrate my little dick.

I took a pause and now am back to working on my video game. I drew the rest of the furniture in the BDSM club. I programmed it so that the vampire would show her butt if she touched the St. Andrews Cross, and then I’m gonna add whip noises. But after she turns into a butt she just flies around the club being a butt so I have to fix that, although it is really funny. Lesbian Vampire sub frenzy.

I unfriended my ex, even though it made me sad, and I just sent a message to say why and goodbye. And then they still haven’t read it and I’m just like “WOW you really hate me.” I can’t make them read my message. They probably won’t ever. But even that kind of made me realize it was for the best to unfriend them, just knowing there was honestly no way to ever fix things between us. I just don’t know why they didn’t unfriend me a long time ago if they hate me so much. Were they hate-watching me? Ugh that feels bad. I tried. Nothing I did was gonna change things, I don’t even know if they know anything that has happened in my life this year. It’s very strange. But it makes me feel better to not have someone who hates me so much on my friends list.

Vampires!!!! And Krampus!!!

I made a level of my video game! It’s not the first level. It’s more of the interstitial level when she’s got to run through the cemetery to find and get to her crypt.

Carmilla Cemetery Level from TJ Cuthand on Vimeo.

It was a lot of work but I’m mostly pleased with it. There are minor edits I want to do, like there’s a couple white spots in her hair that look weird. And I think the Sun Timer needs a bit of adjusting to be just right, just moving one image a little more up.

I’m working on the street level now which is gonna be some stores and things and a couple places she can go into and be in another level. I have to figure out how to keep timers and info across levels, so that will be a challenge.

But also it’s been fun to do all this troubleshooting and coding by myself. I’ve solved most of my issues by doing deep googling about other people’s c# codes to get things to do things. And also by going back to my old video game and comparing code there to code here.

I’ve been having a good time in Vienna, people I’ve met have been very friendly. We had studio visits for Vienna Art Week today and it was long. Plus some jerk played really loud EDM downstairs on the street near where I sleep at 2 or 3 am so I was tired. After the studio visits I came back here and had a long nap.

I went on a ghost tour and saw where Elizabeth Bathory used to live, the countess who murdered 600 people to bathe in their blood. So intense! Of course people still live there because why not, so while the guide was telling us about it there’d be like, people coming out to walk their dog or take their trash out. Kinda funny.

I got a train ticket to Salzburg and an AirBnb for a night so that I can see a Krampus Run. There’s supposed to be 900 Krampuses there!!!

I also got a Krampus chocolate.

Krampus Chocolate

Fuckin’ cutest thing I ever saw. I got another one for my friend Terri and now I have to figure out how to bring it back without squishing it. It’s hollow I think, so maybe I can get a box or something.

My German sucks. I’ve mostly gotten around with English. But I did learn a word today, Jetzt, just means Now and the only reason I know it is because it’s in all these youtube ads. STILL!! One new word!

Aside from Vampires and Krampus, I’m taking this next week to finish Evil Fire. I got some last notes on it and I’m going to hopefully be done before I go off to see the multiple Krampuses on Saturday. And then hand it in on Monday. We’re gonna try and get production financing so we can shoot next year, and it’s SO CLOSE to being done. Just needs these last changes. So that’s exciting and will also take a big project off my plate for a while.

Someone got hacked on Instagram but they were sending me sms messages to reset my instagram password and I got creeped out and unfollowed both her new profile and her old profile because I didn’t know what was happening or who was the Imposter. I am sure I will find out later.

Twitter is dying, or so they say. It looks pretty battered. I’m glad all those people quit on him, he made such a toxic work environment so fast. I would def not put up with that.

In Vienna Finally

It’s finally time for me to do the Vienna Residency and I am here! I have a nice studio, lots of room. The bed is small but decent. There’s a washing machine in here which is nice, and a tiny dishwasher. I finally went to the supermarket today to get some things and it’s so close, like on the next corner down the way. I got some currants which I never see in Canada. I also got some breakfast things and snack things. I went back for more snacks because I needed something salty. I’m trying to avoid candy and chocolate (I’ll prob have some chocolate though) because of the pre-diabetic thing. I hope this helps. I am staying across the street from a really cute bakery though so I might eat pastries once in a while.

I’ve been constantly working the last several days so I took yesterday to rest most of the time, I was all jet lagged yesterday also so I needed it. Today has been better. I am going to try and get some work done tomorrow though, probably on my script and also my video game. I watched a tutorial on making a maze in Unity 2D, so it’s helping me come up with ideas for the cemetery level. I’m really stuck on how to draw the main character. A Bipolar Journey was so easy to draw because they were just giant heads rolling around. But I’m not sure I want to do the same thing with this character. I mean I guess she could just be a head with vampire fangs. It would make it easier to have her moving through the world that way. Ha ha omg this reminds me of that French and Saunders skit where they are being a famous art couple and the interviewer is asking Jennifer why she draws people with hands behind their back and French comes along and goes “She can’t draw fingers!” Ha ha all the cheesy Britcom lines that live in my head. That was a funny episode tho.

I had kind of a rough few days. I had some conflict that was very emotionally abusive and violent towards me and it sucked. I don’t really want to talk about it much, and I know largely it was about the other persons shit. But it still sucks to get dumped on. Anyway, oddly enough it kind of turned around my depression just because I knew all the things they were telling me were wrong and they were deliberately trying to get a rise out of me. Still sucked but I had therapy right after that and it went really well, just like processing this huge conflict.

My therapist and I were worried she wouldn’t be able to work with me remotely while I am here. But it was ok with her insurance and the Ontario college of whatever (I’m sorry I just don’t feel like looking up the name that regulates therapists) and then it was just trying to see if Austria would allow it. And there was a delay finding out because my therapist had to write to them in English and they weren’t responding right away. But today we found out from them that it is fine. So I’m relieved to be able to see her again next week, online. I was prepared to not be able to see her, so this is a happy surprise. Especially because I was talking to her about noticing myself standing up for myself more and being happy about it. And wondering how events in the past would have unfolded differently if they happened today. Like, if I met my ex this year, I might have been more inclined to leave after not being treated right for a long time. I mean the thing is it wouldn’t have happened for a long time, I think I would have recognized a lost cause faster and left the situation earlier.

I’m not really looking for love right now. I get on Tinder and don’t really care. Grindr is meh. I DID have a Grindr hookup and it was fun in some ways and kinda awkward in other ways. He was a nice guy, I think it just wasn’t ideal. But also I’m not sure I care about sex or love right now. I was super horny for a while but I think I just got too stressed out with everything to think about sex or love. It’s fine, I’ll care about it some other time. Right now I’m just focused on my work. I need to get two scripts done and also a video game and also a webseries.

I ordered some coveralls for my webseries. I hope they arrive ok. I’m a bit dubious about my address. I’m not really doing ubereats here either because I’m not sure how to let them know which door to come to, and its like, a block long complex so a long walk if they go to the wrong door.

Well that’s annoying

I was trying to pay Telefilm back money that I got way back at the beginning of the year but didn’t use (it was travel funds to go to Berlin but some variant was really popular at the time and I wasn’t traveling after all) and I’m just having so much trouble. I went to a bank today (not my branch but the same bank) and spent half an hour trying to get them to do a direct deposit but they said they could only do a wire transfer and then none of us knew what the address was for the actual organization I was paying (and it’s the government also so does it have an address??) Anyway, no dice. I’m going to try again on Halloween but after then I’m gone so I won’t be able to pay it until January. So, that’s an annoying bank task. I wish telefilm gave me the direct deposit info a long time ago so I could have settled this already.

Anyway what else? I was on a panel, it was nice. I got stressed at the bank tho so that kind of puts a downer on my day. BUT food is coming soon, so hopefully that makes me feel better.

My T levels are already almost in normal range. A lower but normal level for T is 8.64 and I’m at 8.3, even though I’m only taking 30mg right now. I got the go ahead to increase my dose, so that’s exciting. I’m going up to 40mg. Which will definitely put me in a typical range. I’m surprised honestly, I thought it would take a lot more T to get me to this level. BUT ALSO going on testosterone seems to be pushing me into pre-diabetic existence. Which sucks. But also I want to be more obviously a man. So yeah, going to 40mg and then trying to have less sugar is basically the plan my trans health care nurse and I decided on. Because otherwise I might have gone up further, but really it’s so close to normal T levels that I don’t have to. And I did drink a lot of full sugar coke which is like, terrible, although delicious. So yeah.

BUT it’s true that some more changes were happening on the 30mg dose than the 20mg dose. I noticed my voice lowering a little bit. I’ve been getting more bottom growth. I still haven’t noticed body hair changing much, it’s fairly smooth. But my sideburn peach fuzz is getting a bit longer. Like, incrementally though. My face is shifting a tiny bit, my cheeks aren’t as round as they used to be. That’s actually funny because when I noticed it I remembered so many times I’d looked at photos of my face and felt it wasn’t quite what I was supposed to look like, and having round cheeks was one of the things that made me feel weird. My sex drive is higher for sure also, I haven’t met up with anyone from Grindr yet but it will probably happen, and even without meeting guys it’s been fun to sext people and just be raunchy. That’s definitely an energy I didn’t get when I was trying to be a lesbian. I don’t know why. I think talking to women on apps is just different.

I still feel very romantically oriented to women and non-binary people, it’s really not changing yet. I know things happen though but right now when I think of being with someone in a long term sense I still want to be with a Femme. But who knows, I don’t know, I’m trying not to predict things anymore. But yeah when I get butterflies it’s typically still for women, Femmes, nonbinary people.

I’m excited to go travel for the rest of the year. Or like, live in Austria for two months anyway. I might be able to travel while I’m there, but also I might save money and just stay at the residency the whole time. I’ve got chunks of money coming in, but its a slow uneven trickle, and I’m trying to avoid having to borrow money. I think I’ll be ok, most of the people paying me are direct depositing my money. And it should all come in the next couple of weeks I think.

I was charged for the hotel room in Boulder and then had to get the University to talk to the manager to reverse charges. Such a drag! I was worried it would take a long time to go through, but it wasn’t too bad. Had VERY LITTLE space on my credit card for a while though. Money is so stressful. Like, it is always coming in, but sometimes shit happens. Or sometimes it doesn’t come when you need it. I still have my RSP, but I’m not gonna be able to make an appointment to borrow any from there until January anyway. Which is fine, I don’t want to touch it again.

I’m depressed because of the depo-provera I’m been taking. My body hates progesterone, and I guess I should have known because I had to get off birth control pills before, and because when I got the trigger shot for my egg retrieval, I got super depressed after. Anyway now I just have to wait for it to leave my system. I’m on a list to get my tubes tied so I don’t have to worry about sex with people with sperm. I could only ever get an ectopic pregnancy but that scares me and is bad so yeah. I’d rather do a one time surgery than try taking ongoing birth control that would hurt or make me feel like this forever. UGH. No thank you.

Mostly things are objectively good. Like if I look at it from outside of my depression, things are fine. I have stable safe housing. My career is fine. My transition is going well. I could have a better relationship with my family, but that’s being worked on. I was finally after years of stress able to set a boundary around a relative’s presence in my life (or rather, to have a preferred absence). And my therapist is back so I don’t have to be without her except for the upcoming winter holiday season when she takes time off. OMG I totally used to always say “Christmas season” and then finally there were enough people who didn’t celebrate it at all in my life that I’ve replaced it with Winter Holiday Season which is longer and clunkier but more accurate. I suppose I could have also just called it the Solstice. I don’t know if I’m witchy enough though to go around celebrating the solstice. I wish I knew more about traditional Cree celebrations. Ahh we probably did celebrate the Solstice.