I think I have to talk to my therapist about the parasocial relationship people have with me. Usually I don’t think about it much. But sometimes people get kind of obsessed and I have to unfriend/block/whatever. I generally am fine. But I felt really sexually harassed over the last few weeks by a fb “friend” I had to unfriend and I was just being super avoidant and shut down in how I was responding to the situation because it made me so uncomfortable. I should have unfriended them sooner to be honest. So far I haven’t had to block them. But out of curious I checked who was on my block list on FB and it was a lot of people including a lot of women who were behaving sexually inappropriately with me. And it’s not like they were exes, my exes have all generally been kind enough to be respectful and not harass me after break ups. They were mostly women who knew my social media presence and got kind of obsessed and behaving in ways that made me uncomfortable, especially because the obsession seemed to be romantic in nature, and based purely off my online persona and not who I am as a person in real life.

I know parasocial relationships are just a thing people with big online/media presences have. But I wish people would be cooler about it and not try to insert themselves into my life in creepy ways. If I’m open to a romantic connection with someone meeting me online I would much rather be approached in a respectful way and it seems a lot of people just are too horny to be respectful. I don’t know. I don’t know why this happens. I guess I am revealing a lot of information that makes people think we are acquainted when really the reality is it has to go both ways for that to be reciprocal.

I don’t know. I hope my therapist can help me work out my feelings about that. Talking about things like fame in the context of also constantly waiting to get paid seems kinda weird. I think my prayers when I was a kid to be rich and famous focused too much on the famous part and not enough on the rich. What luxury it would be to be rich and obscure! All that money and not one DM trying to get in my pants.

Someone told me that when Quentin Crisp was alive he was listed in the phone book and was amenable to people just calling him up and going to visit him. Like strangers. WOW! I can’t imagine that now, but at the same time it is kind of true for a lot of us because social media is frequently how people find me for work gigs and stuff. Like yeah I guess technically you could just message me on Instagram and ask something. BUT ALSO I get a lot of messages and can’t always keep up, or sometimes I just log in to send cute memes to a cutie I like and then go on with my day.

I’m not constantly available and even the times I am totally single I am not romantically available to just anyone. It’s very frustrating to have people make me uncomfortable because they feel close to me when I have no idea who they are and have no previous interactions with them.

I think I also worry about introducing partners to The Internet. I had one girlfriend who didn’t want any acknowledgement of our relationship online because she didn’t want The Internet to know. At the time I was kind of hurt, but she is also someone with a higher profile in terms of Queer world fame, so it makes a lot of sense now. I know people would have Thoughts to express about it and that would be weird. It’s over with her now and I’m still not going to name her because that’s our business.

But also I would like to be able to share a cute couple pic someday with me and whoever, when someone is ready for The Thoughts that people might have.

I had one girlfriend I mentioned on my FB and 200 people liked that post and I think it weirded her out so she broke up with me a couple weeks later. See I don’t want that! I’m almost tempted to do a slow reveal someday where this person is just kind of always lurking in the background of my posts and then finally one day surprise this is my sweetheart!

I wish I could talk to more people about what it’s like dating as a famous but poor person, or even just what it’s like to have so many people so familiar with so many things. I know in some ways I did this to myself because I wanted to see what it was like having personal things in public like this. But I still deserve respectful messages when people message me. And I still deserve to date people who aren’t overwhelmed by the people who think they know me. I’ve spent a lot of time with this blog specifically and my friends and family trying to figure out ok boundaries and stuff and I do my best. It’s why this blog has such a naval gazing feel to it, because people don’t like it when you talk about them online.

I held off on posting a new post at the end of the year because one, I was trying to get more people to hit the link to download my video game, and two, I was very high most of New Year’s Eve. Having all kinds of thoughts that I thought would probably cause problems if I freely wrote about them here while high.

So I am high again BUT not as high because there’s no edibles today and my thoughts are a bit more ruly than they were at NYE/NYD.

I made myself a Dutch Baby pancake for New Year’s Day breakfast and some beef tenderloin and au gratin potatoes and broccolini for dinner. It was a nice chill day but a lot of dishes needed to be washed. Maybe I can stay on top of that chore this year. 30% of my domestic problems would be solved if I washed the dishes on a more consistent basis. I would feel free to cook more for one thing, instead of ordering in all the time. I would like to bake more too. I was gonna bake a pie on Christmas but I had no flour. So I got flour for NYE but when I went to make the crust I didn’t have white vinegar. And then I thought I would make myself a consolation Baked Bannock, but I had no baking powder so that idea was destroyed too. Basically it’s just been a very long time since I have baked and I need to sort myself out again with supplies.

I don’t know if I was avoiding baking because I didn’t think it was masculine. I know I was avoiding some things I like because it makes it easier to pass as a man without them. Like I miss my gel nails but I haven’t done that partially because of poverty but also because I’m a faggot and not used to being hated as a faggot instead of hated as a dyke. So I AM going to do them but I’m just not ready yet. I do like baking though and also it has a great byproduct, being baked goods. Which are always great! Even a consolation bannock would have been amazing. But I just haven’t baked much this last while. BUT ALSO baking is just like, not a gendered thing. It’s ridiculous that people even go there with it. What makes putting dough in a hot oven and cooking a pastry feminine? It could be a real butch little pastry for all you know, like a tourtière is pretty butch isn’t it? It’s a goddamn meat pie, Sweeney Todd made them out of people. How much more masculine could you get than a little Québécois meat pie?

I wasn’t gonna make a meat pie tho, I was just gonna make a cherry pie.

BUT on the other hand, I still have almost all the ingredients for a cherry pie that I could make at any time. And not so much toxic gender ideology like “You’re a fag for baking!” Although I am a fag but because I suck cock sometimes, not because I bake.

I went to the gym today for the first time this year. It went pretty good, I upped my weight on a few exercises, and tried the declining bench press with dumbbells, which is supposed to be good for the lower half of my pecs. I’m trying to get some perky muscleboobs. I am gonna go to the gym again this week and then on the weekend I am going to boxing class. Which has been going well, I am getting into the groove of it again. I’m not sure lifting weights and boxing goes together. I don’t want to end up all musclebound and not able to throw a decent punch. I don’t know I suppose if things go awry I will notice. I don’t really know if muscles would hinder me, it’s not like I box competitively.

Posey and I have been hanging out all holidays. It’s not really been 100% Holiday time over here. I had work to get through over the holidays, along with trying to post my video game different places to get downloads. And I don’t know if Christmas is a good time to launch a video game, probably a lot of people didn’t have money because of Christmas. Although it is free. But also people were busy. I did appreciate the people who downloaded it though! Thanks so much for playing it!

I need to make another gameplay trailer because I realize some of the features that ended up being in it aren’t in the current trailer. Like there’s a noise when she bites people that is kind of cute. So I gotta redo it, but I’m just like UGH my computer slows down so much when I record my game play in Unity and it’s really aggravating. Also just because I have to play the game doing all the cute things to show how fun it is. But also because it’s so slow, I don’t get accurate time reading the text dialogue, so when I play the recording back the text changes too fast to read. But it works fine in the game. Anyway I guess I will try to record this again tomorrow.

So I have work, video game marketing work, and a meeting tomorrow. That’s all just work. I feel jelly of the people who still have this week off. At the same time I needed to make money! At the same time I’m not getting paid until the third week of January so I’m living on fumes until then trying to continue plugging away at eventual money making work. BUT ALSO maybe tomorrow I will go get baking powder and vinegar and make a pie or a bannock or both! I have to do my laundry tomorrow too. SO MUCH WORK. I guess I have skills so that’s nice, but they need to be compensated in a better way. A more timely way!

If you want to download my video game it is here:

You can now download my video game Carmilla the Lonely!

It’s free but honestly donations are great in this increasingly more and more capitalist world. Especially because you know it will all go to me who is usually broke!

Have so much fun playing it!

I didn’t get my artist fee from my distributor which makes me wonder if my bank information is even correct over there. They could be sending it to someone else’s account, I don’t know! I sent them an email and got an autoresponse that they won’t be back until the middle of January. So that sucks. I have been asking my mom for money and I’m just tired of it and FINALLY my rent cheque went through and didn’t bounce, but with all the things autopaying out of my account I can’t reliably be sure I am going to have the rent at any time. Like I will have it sit in there and all these things autopay and take it. It’s frustrating. I was hoping to get paid my first payment from a gig, but found out today I won’t get it until late January. My Toronto Art Council grant likely won’t be deposited until January so that’s not gonna save me either. I also have to find money for rent again soon for January.

I made an appointment with the bank for Thursday so I can take out what is left of my RSP, but that won’t go through for like, a week. But at least it would give me hopefully enough to pay my rent. Which isn’t even a lot compared to Toronto rents, but I’m still dead broke and no one is in a hurry to pay me.

I did talk about this on my facebook though and some friends sent me enough money that I could get some groceries. Which is good because I was like, down to eggs and cheese. But I’m still poor and there’s still things I need to do. I have some money on my transit pass at least, so I don’t have to worry about that yet. And a goodfood box is coming for me on Thursday and it has nice things in it, so hopefully that helps. I still need to get a chicken for Christmas dinner, but I’m hoping to do that on Saturday so it doesn’t sit around for too long. I also need a panetone. Is that how many n’s pannetone has? I feel like it’s wrong. Maybe it needs two t’s. I don’t know I’m hungry and can’t spell. I did have cheesy eggs tho so I’m not like, as miserable as I was earlier today.

I HATE POVERTY! And I hate when people take weeks to process payments. And I hate poverty Christmases! I called the food bank and made an appointment, hoping I could get something soon, but I can’t go until January 12th. So I’m glad my friends sent me money but also it really shouldn’t be like this. People/Corporations/Funders legit owe me thousands of dollars but I can’t access it at all until mid to late January. What’s the point? Even fucking welfare makes sure to pay people just before Christmas, even tho that usually fucks them over when January comes. It just is all awful and I’m bummed out that I supposedly have a career but at the same time was gonna research where to get a free Christmas dinner, and was wondering about panhandling just so I could afford to eat something.

ALSO of course I have to pay this ridiculous developer membership so that Apple will notarize my video game, and it just seems like a cynical money grab. All it has to do is process something ONCE and that is it. I’m probably going to cancel it as soon as I’m done with it. But it’s causing me to wait to release my game and it pisses me off. AHHHHH. I hate it. And I hate that I have to get rid of the last of my savings just so I can pay January rent. And I hate that I’ve been working on a feature film for years and no one is funding it. It just feels unjust. I’ve also been sidelined in a project I did this past year because the producer was laterally violent towards me and I had to cut them off from accessing me. So now the co-director of that project gets all the credit in all the publicity, even though I wrote and directed almost half the project. But I just can’t let people be violent towards me in my work life, I will not accept it. It’s too bad because it was a good project. But whatever, I can’t fix the world. I can just struggle lol.

I guess this is where I should write that I’m grateful for something because Christmas blah blah blah. I am grateful for my friends and family. But also really disappointed and tired of struggling and tired of lateral violence. So yeah if you wonder “Theo worked on that project I wonder why he’s not in any of the publicity?” It’s because I’ve been excluded on purpose.

I am in this weird twilight period of being poor but also expecting thousands of dollars to be deposited. It’s coming I swear to god! Today I walked to the corner store and got two cans of beans so I have something to eat with my wieners, and I remembered Lumpy Space Princess and her beans. One time when I was also poor (ha ha funny how common that experience is for me) I was partying with this guy I met through his girlfriend I was Livejournal friends with and we were up all night (on drugs) and then walked to the gas station to get something to eat and he like, bought a can of kidney beans. That is poor! I also ate those kidney beans. Poor people.

But these beans are great (also baked beans which is better than kidney beans) and also amazing because I will eventually have access to enough money to get groceries. But I checked my old emails and the last time I got a TAC grant approval in Dec, it didn’t get deposited until late January. AHHHH fuck. I mean for tax reasons maybe that’s good, but also my accountant knows how to transfer a grant to the following year so it kind of doesn’t matter. Ahhh did I pay his retainer? Shit I should check!

I am getting closer to releasing my video game. I have three things to do: Fix the credits, get App notarized by Apple, and make an app Icon so it is more visible as an app than that little blank App icon you automatically get. I know how to do the credits but I don’t know how to do the other two things. But I’m gonna learn I guess! The same as all the other technical things I had to relentlessly google to solve.

I took a break to go do work and I’m happy to say there is now an app icon for my game, and also I’m on the way to figuring out how to get this notarized, and also the credits are done! I just need to import these files again and replace the old files and then also figure out how to use these Unity DevOps tools to finish notarizing. And then build my app and test it and see if I can break it. I kind of don’t worry about glitchy things. Like I think you might be able to kill someone if you get to the door before the stake gets to you, which I have done accidentally. It’s a good trick I’m not pressed about it. That person just shows up again when you come back to the level. I also need to make the door triggers smaller so you don’t get automatically sucked in so easily. BUT I think after that it’s ready. I missed the Halloween window of releasing a game, but hopefully some people want to buy their loved one a weird video game for Christmas or Hanukkah. It’s not gonna be ready for Hanukkah though. BUT maybe Christmas.

I honestly thought making the app icon would be too hard, but it was ridiculously easy. Just like the other day when I put captions on some videos and also discovered that was easy. This is the icon:

I think it looks awesome. Originally I was going to go with Carmilla’s Head, but I think the fangs look way better. The fangs were the first things I drew for the game. And they only show up on the start/quit scene. And also more immediately identifiable as a Vampire mouth. Also it’s a sexy vampire mouth. Also the design is just really nice. ALSO I just hope it makes people want to play it. I think my Bipolar Journey video game got taken offline, so I think I’m going to try and do a new release of that in an easier place to download. Also I can also finally make an app icon for it which would be nice.

I’m making a few newish but older videos public, so you can go check my video page if you want to see the others. But anyway I thought I should try and hype this video up a bit because it is really popular on the festival/class talk circuit and I am pretty proud of it. Spoiler: the eggs never became embryos, which I talk about in another video called 13 Eggs (which is on private but if you want a password to see it please ask). But this is still an important video even though time has passed.

Anyway today I finally started putting captions on my videos. I hadn’t done it for so long! And I had a bunch of srt files just hanging around waiting, YEARNING, to be put on my videos so more people can access them. Unfortunately they aren’t ALL there, and some of them are really random. Like captions in German or Spanish and not English captions. Things like that. I am getting grant money soon tho and I’m going to try and make more English captions with REV because it’s built into Vimeo now if I want. The translations really depend on where my videos get screened and if the org makes subs for them. Often they do, and I do play in a lot of different countries, so it’s gonna be an ongoing project to include them now that I know how fucking easy it is to add captions to Vimeo. Also a lot of newer work was translated into Spanish when I was in Buenos Aires, so I’m hoping to get those srt files.

I also started a Ko-fi, which is definitely helpful because I think people are amenable to tossing a few dollars my way if they see one of my videos and like it, but less into signing up for a monthly Patreon subscription. I think five dollars is cheap though, I wish people could pay more. I know there’s the option though if they really want to send more money. And putting in five dollars makes people not feel so cheap I guess because it’s framed as a tip. I don’t know I guess I’ll see how it goes! So far no donations, but I’ve been seeing people follow me on Vimeo more recently so I tried to put the Ko-fi link on most of my videos.

I also figured out how to finally change my name in all the places on Vimeo so it’s a little less sketchy when I go there. Because dragging around the history of my deadname feels like being weighed down. So that’s good. I don’t really care if I see it lots of places, but the places I have control over I would like to be accurate.

I was gonna go to the gym today, but I don’t have money for my YMCA membership because I’m waiting for grant money to get deposited and also trying to keep my rent money in there so the rent cheque doesn’t bounce a SECOND time this month. It already bounced because I was 71 dollars short. And then I borrowed money from my mom and Visa took all of it by force with the banks permission, so I had to borrow AGAIN. Omg. It’s hell. I know money is coming but this just sucks. FREAKING HELL.

I also decided against continuing to write a grant for Ontario Creates. It was just a lot more work than I was prepared for, and also I want to apply for Canada Council money for that project later and I don’t know if that is still eligible or if it turns into a Corporate project. And I much prefer making video games that are art projects more than corporate projects. So yeah, that took a bunch of work off my schedule and frees me up to do my actual creative work and a short term gig I have.

Carmilla the Lonely is much closer to being able to release. I just need to finish the credits and then figure out how to notarize it with Apple so it will open on Macs instead of triggering the automatic Apple Malware alert. So yeah, a lot of work but honestly much less than before. I resolved most of the issues that came up in testing so I think it plays better. Also it’s harder to get blood because you need consent which was important to the idea of the video game.

Also Christmas is coming! I am spending it alone. Well, not totally alone, my faithful little hound will be with me. I’m looking forward to cheese plates and chocolates.

Anyway here is my Ko-fi!
https://ko-fi.com/theocuthand

I went to the Governor General Awards this weekend to see my Mom and my Auntie Lori get their Governor General Awards. It was a pretty cute scene. They had four years of awards to get through because they paused doing the in person awards ceremony during the pandemic. We got to sit in Rideau Hall and the award winners went up and someone read part of the nomination for them and then they got to see the Governor General Mary Simon who gave them their award and took a photo. It was in this wild room that was made to look like a tent, a pink and white tent. And there was a big painting of the Coronation of Queen Victoria at the front of the room.

My Mom asked permission to hug the Governor General and then they hugged which was really sweet. It’s not against protocol apparently. It took a while to get through everyone but the whole event was very joyful which was nice. Then we got fed some fancy foods. There were all kinds of little desserts too. And then we did a tour of Rideau Hall, except for the upstairs because that’s where the private residence is. But we got to see the rooms they would meet people in or keep their art works. And we got to see the Greenhouse which was also very cool. So many orchids! Doing way better than my orchids.

My mom asked the guards about the guards out front with bearskin hats and apparently it’s Grizzly bearskin and they dye the fur black. I always wondered! Because Black Bear fur is not as thick as those hats seem to be.

I got to see lots of friends and my cousin Bianca also and it was just a nice occasion. Also I got to see my Mom which was nice.

After there was a party but we were too tired so instead we went to LL Bean where I got a new winter coat and Mom got some winter fleece lined pants. But I discovered later that LL Bean didn’t take out the security tag! So blahhh I got back to Toronto and didn’t want to look for my receipt (I don’t even know if I still have it) so I wrecked a fork trying to take the security tag out of the pocket and then finally gave up and cut a small hole to remove it. I am meaning to sew the hole shut (and it’s in my pocket so it’s not visible) but we’ll see how the executive dysfunction works and if I can get to it in a timely manner before losing an airpod into the lining.

Anyway now I’m back in Toronto. I am very tired because I got up early this morning and went to boxing class for noon and I exercised real hard and now I feel all achey. I used a heating pad to try and soothe myself but I think I need to do it again. I really want to be able to go back to the gym this week too because I like lifting weights.

People were pretty good about my name and pronouns at the Governor General Awards weekend which was nice, and people who messed up apologized which was kind. I actually misgendered myself when I introduced myself to the Governor General. I said “I’m Ruth’s daught-SON!” and she was just like “Ok” and I said nice to meet her and then I think I ran off because I was hungry. Even me!

Also I got to wear a suit at the Governor General Awards and it was really interesting. I was always so sure it would be way too hot, but it was fine. I could have wore it all day but I changed when we got back to the hotel. This was the first time I wore the suit for an actual event so that was nice. I have a grey suit jacket too but not the pants. I think I’m gonna try and get the pants tho so I have two full suits. The pants in my blue suit though are too big.

Most of my clothes are too big now, since my body shape changed and I lost some weight. A lot of my shirts are 2X and I’m XL to L now. Also a lot of shirts were deliberately baggy to hide my chest and now I want my chest to be more visible as a flat and hopefully soon to be muscly chest. I spent a LOT of money when I was in the Whitney Biennial and upgraded my wardrobe, and now I have to slowly build up my wardrobe in the right size again.

I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make a video about my transition and how political trans issues have gotten recently and so hopefully that will let me get some new jeans so I have pants that fit. Tight shirts are also on the list!

I’m going to Ottawa tomorrow to see my Mom and my Auntie Lori both get their Governor General Awards in Visual Art. There’s a lot of people getting them because they have to get through all the people who won them during the pandemic. So it should be a time. I think it’s a luncheon. I hope they have fancy sandwiches. Or something! I’m gonna wear my suit for the first time. Although I wore it for a documentary, but only because they specifically asked me to wear the suit. BUT this will be my first official event wearing it. I also am gonna have to spend some time Friday morning learning how to tie a tie again. I meant to learn and practice (and I have done it a few times in my life) but I didn’t practice. Because to be honest other things seemed more pressing. But now I will probably look a little lopsided in the photos. Unless I get it perfectly, you never know.

Side note of fun thing before I get into sad things: I’ve been noticing this cool thing when I touch my nipples where they are still numb but the memory of what my nipples felt like just comes to mind, so it kind of helps feel like there is sensation. Like a ghost sensation! It’s not an actual physical sensation, it’s more like a memory of a sensation. But it’s nice, I hope someday to feel more but also hope lovers don’t stay away from them because it could help me reconfigure the way I feel in my body. If that makes sense.

I’m doing a lot of internal processing about my life and also the things happening in the world and also concerns about friends of mine and their safety. Every time I open Instagram there’s some new sad video from Gaza that breaks my heart in a new way. Today I saw a video of a mother holding her small dead son and saying she had 580 injections to have him. It was heart-wrenching. I only did one round of IVF and that was so hard on my body and emotions, I can’t imagine going through that so many times and then finally having a long sought after child only to have him be murdered by a brutal war. And this was just one video today, there’s so many other videos of so many other heartaches, thousands and thousands.

AND I watched a report about sexual violence and murder on Oct 7th and that was brutal too. You can look it up if you want but the details are really disturbing so be warned. I feel a responsibility to be conscious of the events which lead to all this. And yeah I know there’s a long history of occupation behind this as well so the events go way back. But if I was a survivor or close to someone who died or was assaulted or kidnapped in that attack I think I would be really upset at how there wasn’t really space to grieve it before all kinds of hellish things started happening to the other side. None of it has been okay.

AND ALSO just the two sides thing is weird because so many other countries are involved in this situation, like Canada itself supports Israel and I really criticize that because this bombing is relentless and genocidal. I know some people don’t like the words genocide or colonialism but it does look like that from my position as the survivor of a long range genocidal and colonial project. But really like why is Canada supporting this? (And side note why did we send military gear to Saudi Arabia a while back?) Why are we totally enabling brutal war crimes and repression? I know the real answer is that those are Canadian values according to how our government operates. Like yeah we pretend to be a polite country but there’s also military and police repression of Indigenous activists here. So it’s not an innocent country. Not to mention what our mining companies do abroad.

And I also see that there are things governments of countries want, and things their citizens want, and those things are often not aligned. And we have this pretence of democracy but really governments aren’t going to listen to their citizens, they are listening to larger forces like war profiteers who have good lobbyists and fossil fuel CEOs who give money to their campaigns and so on. It’s just frustrating. We’re also at this point in history where large quantities of money are concentrated into a small group of people, some of whom have batshit ideas like Elon Musk and his exploding cars and his “let’s not have safety glass” decisions.

AND it probably sounds so weird but really I’m just thinking fuck this would be the worst time ever to go manic.

I haven’t been manic since 2007, unless you count the mild hypomanias I’ve had which were just me being unusually happy. BUT MANIA omg. First thing of all is that I almost always try to start a revolution when I am manic, and that just ends up a big mess. Especially because no one wants to follow a revolutionary who is getting messages from pop songs and the television. Or I don’t know maybe they do now. Maybe people just want someone to take the wheel because Jesus isn’t cutting it. Ha ha omg. NO really though I am often embarrassed afterwards by my manifestos and all that ephemera from mania. I once had a burning where I burned all my stuff from my first mania. AND THEN three months later I was manic so yeah. Made more memories! Wheee!

But so far so good, haven’t been manic, going to sleep at a reasonable hour, I’m not sending tons of emails to people. I haven’t tracked down exes to send them mix tapes or whatever. I am being responsible and trying to stay aware of current events and hopefully not spin off into another world much to the chagrin of my friends and family. I have never had a psychosis in Toronto and I really hope I don’t. It’s just that people look at you different, or sometimes they think you’re like, forever broken and always gonna be manic. But really it usually resolves with meds and an unfortunate long depression. But being depressed AND embarrassed by all the things that happen while manic is a horrible feeling.

So yeah, trying to stay sane right now which I feel is something most of us are feeling. It’s a very distressing time. And then the rise of Islamophobia and Antisemitism is extremely disturbing. That war is far from Canada and yet it really is impacting people here. And also I just think about white supremacists and how much they must love this moment and how much recruiting they are trying to do. I’m trying to be more conscious of things I share on social media because I don’t want to share straight up propaganda for either side. I don’t know, I know things are going in a really bad direction and I have a lot of friends who are more directly affected by antisemitism and Islamophobia that I want to keep safe. I also think about how activists are getting criminalized here in Toronto specifically but also broadly in the world.

I’ve been called an activist. I don’t know if I feel like one. I think I have Opinions but I don’t know if they are helpful. They’re really not helpful here except now you know how fucked up I feel by this situation. I do know I have a bit of a public figure standing which means more people hear my Opinions. But it’s just hard for me, I am a questions person more than an answers person. And hopefully other people have answers but I really don’t, except that there should be a ceasefire and Palestinians deserve to stay in their lands. I do not have answers about how to resolve this though, it’s bigger and older than me.

I’ve been talking with my therapist about it all and she helped me get some new perspectives. Which I appreciate.

I just want a kinder more just world. And some days that seems very out of reach.

Anyway tomorrow I am going to Ottawa to see my Mom and my Auntie get their awards, and wear a suit, and maybe I can shake my fist at Parliament Hill as we go past it. My dog has a friend coming to stay with her. I’m generally safe and secure and warm and things do generally work out for me. I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make a video about my transition and how political things have gotten around trans people. So that’s good, I feel supported by my community. I have another grant I am working on now, and am going to hear from another grant next year. Just a lot of struggle trying to get my money situation back in a good place. I’ve been dodging calls from CRA but I have to call them next week and make a payment plan again. Being responsible! Ugh. How did I become an adult?

I went to the gym again today instead of hooking up with someone. So I did manage to make it 3 times this week. This morning I was rubbing my lower back before I got in the bathtub and it felt way more muscly, so I took a pic in the mirror and wow! My back is finally in the coveted Dorito shape. I wasn’t sure I was gonna get there. Transition can feel so slow when you’re really wanting it. But it’s been over a year and a half and my thighs and hips got skinny and my shoulders and back are way more muscled. I’m also working on my pecs and they look cute but not as muscly as I hoped. I know I have to start doing a short workout even on the days I don’t go to the gym. I just keep putting it off. I was also able to do the Gravitron today and the last time I went to the gym. So I feel way better about my upper body strength. I have a pull up bar in my house but I haven’t tried it in a long time. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see if I can do anything with it.

I’m so happy my back is changing shape. I knew that shoulders can get broader on T and I was starting to see a difference in my profile pics in terms of how my shoulders look. But I hadn’t looked at my back in a long time.

I’m pretty happy with my transition overall. I am going up to 80mg a week on Monday, which is cool and I hope it helps. I’m really not sure about my body/facial hair situation. If it goes by matrilineal lines, that’s all Scottish stuff. And I’ve seen historical photos of Scottish men, they have GIANT beards. So I guess I am hopeful again, but also it might just be Cree genes and I won’t get a big beard. Like I think my Cree Grandpa had four facial hairs, it was very little of anything.

I’ve noticed I smell a lot better since top surgery healing is done. The binder was getting smelly, and before that all my sports bras and binders would get smelly. So now I just wear a shirt that I change every day and at the gym and it’s made my armpits smell much more subtle. Which is a relief because my bras would get RANK. Odiferous!

I think I want to record my voice more. I did record along the way, but mostly I didn’t use it for work things because I dunno, I was letting it become what it was becoming I guess. But I like my voice and normally I use it in my work so I’m probably gonna start making videos again. Like those personal monologue videos.

I’m doing good otherwise. I am halfway done my application for this job on Monday. I got all my references together so that’s the main thing I was stressed about. Now I just have to do my CV and teaching statement. I also found a grant I can apply to for developing my next video game, but it’s more of a corporate grant so I have to really put specific work into it. I’m basically just scrambling for money right now hoping I won’t be as broke in 2024 as I have been this year. It was a bum year! I did do a lot of work but some of the grants for this year came a while ago and so it was just trying to catch up. 2022 was way better.

But also I came out a year and a half ago and have been super insular about my transition and watching all the things happen. So it’s been a generative year and a half I suppose, but not “productive” as I would like. Although I did make that giant video game.

The video game is almost done but I’m putting it aside until this job application is in on Monday. I did fix a lot of things really fast though. It’s getting there! I’m almost ready to test a build of it again. I need to redo the credits tho.

I was able to buy casein protein again for my protein shakes. I was super getting into drinking that while I was working out, like in the evening before bed. Anyway I think I am gonna go do that right now.

My chest is settling in really well. I got the seroma drained a couple days ago (there were actually two!) and now that side of my chest is less swollen and I’m actually getting hope again that it will smooth down enough that I won’t need a revision. It was probably the most difficult part of my chest, it had a stitch coming out for a long time so it was inflamed, PLUS the seroma was causing swelling. It’s still getting over being inflamed from the stitch, I had to stop doing scar care on that one area because the skin was broken there and taping it wasn’t letting it heal. But it’s healed now and hopefully I can keep doing scar care on it a while longer and it will start fading too. None of my scars got raised so far which is good. I had a keloid on my bellybutton scar from my gallbladder surgery for a long time, so I know it can happen on me sometimes. It did flatten and fade after a number of years though but I didn’t know to do scar care on it so it was left all on it’s own. But anyway, so far so good. I’m not really expecting my scar to totally vanish, but it might be less noticeable eventually which could be cool.

I am applying for a teaching job. I might not get it. I was swearing off doing this for a while just because my career was paying me enough without teaching. Also I was concerned for my disability and my career and teaching and how much time I had. BUT ALSO I have a lot more energy since getting on testosterone, so really I might be able to do all of this. I’m also only applying for one teaching job, just to see. Like a sessional gig, not a full time job. It’s a job that requires almost all of my technical skills, so that’s exciting because I know that’s a very specific kind of person who could teach that course. Also it would be good for me to get more income in this house. It wouldn’t pay me enough to live, but with that AND the regular ongoing income I get from my film career, I think it could work out. So I am hopeful for that. But also hopefully whoever is hiring isn’t reading this and feeling pressured into hiring me. Because really I could make it either way. BUT this is a cool job and would help for a few months AND I know all about all the things for it.

Posey and I have been enjoying the change of seasons. Her little green sweater is coming out with us again. When I got her from her breeder, she came with the sweater. Like, it’s a specifically “female” dog anatomy sweater because there’s no long bare spot where a penis would go. And sweaters and coats that cover an entire tummy don’t really exist for dogs, and I feel bad for her because she’s a smooth so her tummy is like, bare skin. Poor pup! Anyway, I’ve never found another sweater that covers her whole tummy, so mostly that’s been her winter clothes. That and her horse blanket jacket. But I have not really found an ideal dog jacket for her. There was this like, super fancy dachshund jacket store that I’ve looked extensively at, but the jackets are too pricey for us.

She would look like a really boogie dog if she had one of those jackets.

ANYWAY.

It’s weird thinking of who reads this blog. Like it’s really just such an overshare ridiculous blog and I don’t think I have any ambitious aims in writing it. It’s an outlet. I sometimes wonder what will happen when I pass away and the bills for this website stop getting paid and where this blog will disappear to. It’s been a writing project for a long time and some people talked with me about maybe making a book out of it. I tried to save up some posts that could be a good book but I think then I got to the year I had my last manic episode and got overwhelmed.

I’m busy with other projects. I got back into finishing my video game yesterday. FINALLY there is a specific bool for “IsConsensual” and you need consent to be able to feed on this particular character. And if you don’t have consent, you’re just draining her blood and not getting your needs met and eventually you’ll get staked. I was surprised actually how easy it was to program when I looked at the code for the other bool “InLove.” It just clicked so easy.

I also opened up the responses to my video game play testers form. Only one person responded (ugh! After all those people got a copy) BUT she gave really good responses and I know a couple other things I can fix now with the sound. Also I have to test the dialogue again on the build to make sure it’s not going too fast. So that’s good. I am trying to track down my other friend to see if she can help me build the image for the app. Like, the block you click on to open the app on a desktop computer. The ICON I guess, I dunno. I’m just a boy! I already know I just want it to be the vampire’s head.

Aside from that, trying to figure out what to do with my unwieldy debt I owe to the government and Visa. I’ve heard about some other people’s debt to the government tho and I am LUCKILY not that bad. It’s bad but like, I could get it down. I talked to a financial advisor but he gave me bad advice which could have ended up preventing me from getting a grant for seven years so like, NO I don’t think so. I just gotta make more money I guess. Like it’s not that I am handling my money completely wrong, it’s just that there isn’t a lot of it right now.

ALSO I really think this video game is SO CLOSE to being able to be released, and then people will see that I made something this past year. It’s very thankless tho, video games. Like, people might tell me about playing it. Or they might not say anything more likely. And then I’ll be wondering if there was an audience for it at all. My Bipolar Journey game got attention but it was also floating around for a long time. I did get featured on VICE for it tho. And I dunno, I could probably submit it to ImagineNATIVE next year because they have space for new media projects.