Covert Studies

I don’t honestly remember why I started studying covert operations. Maybe I was just fascinated and horrified by this seamy underworld of megalomaniacs. I had to know how it worked. I studied just about everything I could get my hands on, disinformation, Illuminati, One World Order, espionage, cults, abuse, various military programs like MONARCH and MKULTRA. I read about all these bizarre underground experiments to make like super human fighters, where they would take people and throw them out of helicopters to see if they could survive the fall yet. It was insanity, I couldn’t believe they would do so much stupid shit just to rule the world. I mean, why? What kind of a boring world would that be? And you know, some of the stuff I read was FAR OUT stuff. But I always applied it to the Nazi Holocaust, because then I could see it as a case study really, in a sick way. We know the Nazi’s were horrible, but still they did an insane amount of stuff before getting stopped. How? Why? I looked at all the mistakes they made, I read every shred I could find. Apparently the war ended when they found out about Cabbala and realized it was useful, there was a turn coat. Before that they didn’t honestly believe there was much use to the Jewish people. And still, all the other people murdered in the holocaust don’t get much press. I mean, you don’t hear about the Roma, or the homosexuals, or the communists, or the disabled. Did you know after the camps were liberated, the homosexuals were kept imprisoned? They weren’t ever allowed to be free. They stayed there and died there.

But they really used the complicity of the people to uphold their empire. I mean, Hitler did do some useful things for the German people, which is why so many people followed him. He implemented the Autobahn, he invented the Volkswagen. He was also a failed artist and put on a show of modern art called the Degenerate Art Show, but everyone loved it. I wonder what would have happened if he’d been allowed to just paint somewhere and make bad art and leave us alone. But he was just a figurehead, there were people who used him because he was a good spokesperson. He could rile people up. He wasn’t the only one thinking that way. And common people who supported him when he was working on their behalf had no idea how to stop supporting his party after it went all fucked up. It’s like, they had made a promise to support that and they didn’t know how to admit they made a mistake. So they just kept on with it. Stones from The River by Ursula Hegi is probably the best novel about the rise and fall of Nazism, because it’s a story from someone who watches it all unfold. And Ursula Hegi is a German, which is why I liked it, I mean, she knows the importance of telling that story, while a lot of Germans still don’t know how to relate to that part of their history. I mean, it is really amazing the way they’ve incorporated it into their lives though, they don’t try to completely deny it, except for the Neo Nazis. At Sachsenhausen one of the barracks was set on fire by some neo nazis who wanted to destroy the evidence, and it was so amazing how they dealt with that. They preserved the burned structure of that barrack and made it into a museum, so even that arson was preserved as part of the history of that place. It’s really quite fascinating.

So yes, covert operations. Numbers stations fascinated me, I listened to them all the time, I didn’t have the pad so they were all nonsensical, but they were still fascinating to listen to. I mean, a whole shortwave station that is only transmitting to one spy, wow. And anyone can hear it. So I guess, this is my numbers station, only without the codes. Actually, that’s not true, I threw some codes in here but I don’t know if the people will pick them up or not.

But it seemed like they made some dumb mistakes. Like trying to enslave spirits, now that is a dumbass mistake. And basically all the ways they used magic was guaranteed to backfire. I was always like, why would the Skull and Bones people take Geronimo’s head? Don’t they know what his mission is? But it is brilliant, I mean of all the moles to have, you’d pick Geronimo. He just sits there and watches, and then he starts talking. I don’t know if he has started talking yet, but he’s a brilliant military strategist so he could be feeding them disinformation. I mean, fuck, eventually all these things start repatriating themselves. They don’t wait around forever. So I realized they were making stupid mistakes with the pretend magic they got to play with.

When I was much younger I read a lot of occult stuff, magic, rituals, universal law, etc etc. I was going to be a Wiccan but I got bored, probably because I was reading the New Age Wiccan stuff, and it was like “Don’t ever hurt anyone or it will come back to you.” And that is a good law, I mean, most people here do live by that law.

But then I found out about my friend’s Rede which was like, as it harm none, do as thou will, as it harm some, do as thou must. And it didn’t make any sense to me at the time, why hurt people? But then I found out that the Rede comes from the old Craft, when they were being persecuted. I mean, they DID have to hurt people, you can’t just take that kind of stuff. It would be nice if no one had to get hurt, but then some people really just use that general spiritual law against people, so people get hurt and don’t realize that it means they have permission to fight back. I mean, Jesus didn’t die to absolve people of sins, he died because people were sinning. He was never taking on people’s crap, he just got caught in the crossfire of a police state. Only now we think it’s a good thing to sacrifice yourself.

Not everyone can fight back honestly though, I mean, some people haven’t been persecuted at all, or they’ve been persecuting other people as part of their liberation movement. Like feminists who bash trans people, now that is persecution, that kind of shit is not okay. Just because you’re fighting for the rights of one group of people doesn’t give you the green light to oppress others in your struggle.

The Dalai Lama is on his last life. So am I actually, I think I’m pretty much finishing what I’ve been coming here to do. A lot of people are on their last lives right now, which is exciting. I mean, finally!

I remember when I was doing my residency at Video Pool in Winnipeg, Daniel Barrow and I were having lunch and I got CIA Diary by Phillip Agee, and he started teasing me. Because I was just starting a course in Native Lit. Daniel said “April Raintree was good, but not as good as CIA Diary by Phillip Agee.” Bitch! It was an interesting book though. And no, I never did read April Raintree. I did grow up with Maria Campbell and Winona Wheeler and various other intensely strong Native women, which was fun. I would be really quiet and small so that I could hang out with them and listen to all their stories. They used to sit at kitchen tables and talk, and laugh, they could make you pee your pants they were so funny. And they would call me the old lady, because I always hung around them. I didn’t care much for kids my own age, except for a few of them. A lot of boys mostly, I grew up with the guys. I used to go down the street and my friend Michael would play the accordian for me while his mom was getting electrolysis.

In the gifted program we did have a Muslim classmate, and I remember the teacher was baffled during Ramadan because he had to fast during the day and he got all unhappy and hungry and she was like “Why don’t you just eat?” And he said “I can’t!” Poor little guy. He did share a whole bunch of food with us at the end of Ramadan though, which was cool. I liked knowing a few things about his faith, just because then we could understand him on his own terms. And people did respect him. I wasn’t very respected, but the other aboriginal in our class was, but she ran out the window one day and never came back. She’s becoming a police officer now, last time I ran into her.

When I was in the ward there was a Muslim man in there too, a few actually, and people were pretty horrid to them which was gross. There was another boy who would be quiet and then suddenly he would start growling and say “Excuse me.” Actually, most of the people in there were going through a spiritual awakening, they were pretty fascinating people to be around. I think I got into shit because I was riling them up to take over the hospital, actually, and so they made an example out of me. And people kept falling in love, it was like, ugh, leave me alone. Oh well. I mean, better to have a bunch of people fall in love though. And then I’d be doing all these drawings and someone would say “Did you know” and then tell me some obscure fact that made a hell of a lot of sense. When I started drawing Anubis my psychiatrist kind of freaked out. I honestly didn’t know it was Anubis, I was just drawing stuff out.

I don’t mind that I burnt it all, I remember it pretty well, so that’s good enough for me.

But really, Illuminati stuff is irritating. But the only way it survives is by staying secret, which is basically the weakness of the group, it’s the fatal flaw. And people have left the Illuminati, I mean, high profile trainers have just up and walked, and they get into shit. If you did want to read that stuff, Svali explains it all, but again, it’s pretty traumatizing. You can go crazy reading about it, or else just demand yourself to wake up to stop it, which I think is really what I was doing. But I was trying to figure out how to help RA survivors, because I know most of them are good at heart, they just got trapped in something. And so that’s how I ended up learning about psychopaths. Because those are the people that can keep that stuff going, they don’t have empathy so they don’t really see why they are doing bad things. Pretty much everyone else has the tools at their disposal to walk away, except for shame that seems to enslave them. You can’t be ashamed of things someone else made you do. Or that you just didn’t know was wrong because no one taught you. I mean, obviously it is important to people to try and make amends, but that’s hard for most, especially if they don’t want to remember what they did wrong or why it would hurt someone. And especially if they don’t know why they did it in the first place.

I have made mistakes, of course, but whatever. That’s part of learning. It’s when you keep making the same mistake over and over that you get silly. And most covert operations really are the same silly mistake being used over and over.

When I was a little kid one time I told my mum “Every song has a message.” And I think she was like “That’s nice kid, of course they do.” And I was like “No, a message for ME.” Yeah. And it’s true, that’s where the best codes were found.

Wow

I seem to have met the only person who can make me take a stand and disarm me at the same time. Holy fuck. It’s such a relief, now my whole dark side can go back to my sex life where it belongs. I’m so freakin’ relieved. That is too ridiculously fun.

I did have to talk about ritual abuse in this blog though, because it is how the psychiatric system I ended up in treated me. And since this whole blog is about my healing process from this crazy time period of domination, psych ritual abuse just had to be talked about.

I don’t think people realize how damaging psychiatry is to the people who end up in it, especially people who today are just having a common new experience of spiritual awakening. People may be going to the edge these days, but it’s because everything is changing. I don’t know if I would have been so heavily ritually abused by the Montreal psych ward if they had known I was an internationally recognized director, but then again to them I was just some dumb Indian. So there you go.

Montreal is racist. In fact, a lot of Quebec is. In fact, the whole of Canada is, as is the whole world. I will protect people close to me by any means necessary, and by god if that involves space aliens so be it. I think we can start to disarm things in an intelligent way. I’ve decided to disarm you all by starting to talk openly about spirituality and awakenings and the honesty of mutually agreed upon power exchange relationships. It may seem like a funny thing for me to end up wanting to discuss, but honestly, to get through this, that is what I think you need to know. There is all the dark stuff in my blog, you’re free to read it if you want, just be aware that it was the darkest time period of my life, and probably of all our lives.

We all have dark histories now, we’ve been pushed so far because of world wide abuse. I’m perfectly willing to lead people off to the places I know are safe, because I did tangle with the Forces. They do have weaknesses that can be exploited, like all of us, and that’s what I learned on this journey. One weakness is this idea that people won’t be honest about what’s going on. It’s not necessarily secrecy that is the problem so much as silence. Although secrecy can be used against you.

Maybe I have damaged the mental health of the psych workers in Montreal by laying my four years of hell at their feet. But it is true. It’s not my fault I couldn’t stop the war. It’s the fault of the people who decided in their finite wisdom to take me someplace they had no understanding of. the whole time they tried to take me I resisted, I fought so hard to avoid being sent there. I never gave in. I was taken down by the cops, in a really violent way, and then just off and on spent time drugged to the gills in restraints with sexual offenders wandering willy nilly. I hope the Montreal psych system is happy with the war in Iraq, because in many ways they were responsible for it.

To be totally honest

Pretty much everyone makes it in the end. I mean, very few bad people appear. It seems overwhelming right now, but it’s mostly about who is following who. It all comes out this year, but truly people are safe, it’s just something that has to happen. We can’t keep living a life where we only know half the story. So this is the year of finding out the other half of the story, and my funny surveillance art project is one part of the story.

Checks and balances

You know, it is nice when you can find someone on your level to tussle with. I mean who would want someone who couldn’t best them? It’s so much fun. I can’t believe I actually found someone who can argue this well. I was worried I never would. Anyway, yeah, that’s how power is supposed to work, it’s funny. I’m probably going to wrestle around for like, a while, but I think that’s what we’re supposed to do. No one is supposed to get all violent yet, you’re just supposed to figure out where to go from here. And thank god I have someone to remind me of that. So you know, carry on. This is a process, we’re all pretty safe.

Switching

Freaking hell, uh, I guess I am the dominant in this situation. Well, that was interesting. I haven’t switched like that in ages and ages. It’s kind of fun. Maybe being a dominant will be good for me. At least then I can be more communicative. Hopefully. This will be interesting. It’s good to get out of submissive headspace if you’ve been in it too long. I don’t want to end up with bottom’s disease!!!

Bad tops man, they need to communicate better. Honestly, don’t get worried yet, people are still playing.

Chess

I am still playing chess, give me a few days.

Strange

What a very very very strange world.

What it feels like

I haven’t said too much about what this process involves, but maybe I should in case people start feeling it.

I’ll just talk about the recent stuff. When I started being able to really see stuff as it is, my eyes went totally weird for at least three days. I was hiding in the basement so that my mom wouldn’t see and take me to the doctor, because the doctor would have no clue. Anyway, my eyes felt like they were on fire, they just BURNED! And not only that, they were spewing water constantly, it just never ended. And sometimes it would calm down but it would flare up again. I started calling a friend in Vancouver about it and said “I can see the rainforest in my eyes!” Because I could, I could see this vast green space of trees that just ran along my eyes. I think she said something like “Yeah, that’s a good story.” And I’m just like “No, I’m fucking serious!”

And then when my crown chakra started opening a whole bunch of programs I didn’t know I had cracked right open, just gone. I’ve never honestly broken through my omega program before. I know people thought I might commit suicide, but I don’t know, one day it all suddenly unfolded, after I talked to someone actually about what I saw. And then the stagnant water smell came out of my sweat because I started going into die offs. And the sweat started smelling like urine for at least 24 hours, I just reeked up the whole house. The eighth chakra is opening now too, and it’s the last one that has any human stuff in it, so I’m just watching all of this baggage get chucked out insanely. And I also remember that my sweetheart and I both did clear our old karma when we died the last time. Really, we could be having all kinds of memories but we actually only have karma from this one lifetime bothering us. And I think we’ve been working through that.

I’ve never had to learn about more than the seventh chakra, but there really are twelve chakras all together and they start showing up in funny places. And there’s also a bit of a trap on the way, because there is a point where it feels like you have that kind of 12th chakra ability, but mostly you can’t use it because you’re still tied down to a bunch of things. A lot of spiritual seekers tend to stop here, but in Buddhism they say to not be decieved by the cloudy light of hell. So yeah, there is a pretend heaven that you have to be looking out for, because some people just quit there, especially when they start walking through two worlds at once. That’s a weird transition period, it’s pretty scary actually, unless you have faith. Especially if you’ve been facing demons for like four years! I don’t know though, four years of the spiritual equivalent of waving a broom around to keep things away, that does end up training you in a funny way. I mean, it’s horrible, they like to play all kinds of mind games mostly. But it did make me learn how to draw down white light anytime I needed to.

I told some things to come back later, I mean, they are around but I knew I couldn’t talk to them yet, and I know they respected it, which was good. I’d hear them standing outside my door talking to each other, women’s voices mostly. Some male voices. Talking about me, but that was okay. And I can’t wear a watch at all anymore, I keep killing them over and over. It doesn’t matter how many times I change the battery, they will not work at all, the magnetic energy keeps jamming them. And sometimes if I’m with certain people street lights start turning off.

I know some people tried to follow me around to intimidate me, but I think I had scary eyes that day because I knew exactly what they were doing and just turned and smirked at them and they drove off in a panic. They were sort of malevolent people, I mean they had a ridiculously high tech car, I have never seen so many instrument panels in a car. And they were so ridiculously transparent.

The thing is the energy keeps running up and down because now it’s clearing old stuff that was left in my body, and that looks intense too. Sometimes I start spasming and jerking up and down uncontrollably, like a seizure but not, I can feel this crazy power running up and down my spine. And I do see old things get thrown out from my root on up, it’s wild. I’m trying to avoid being trapped in one feeling forever, although the in love feeling was like a whole day of just laying around going “Woah!” I couldn’t really move much when that started. The sex part really is intense, but that can become a trap too. Not to say you shouldn’t have sex, just that there’s this point where you might be tempted to just have sex and that is it. I mean, so many pitfalls! It’s crazy. There’s another pitfall right now of being too tied in with the news that is being reported, because NOW the really scary news starts coming out, and it can trap people in a kind of blood lust. I get it, I know why. But it’s a trap too, although it is useful in that finally citizens aren’t going to take it anymore. I would hate to be someone in any kind of power structure right now, because it’s a really vulnerable place to be in, I mean if you have secrets they are coming out whether you tell them or not, even if that secret is being used against you. So that is weird. People are being judged right now on how they deal with this, and not just by me, by EVERYONE. Judgment was never a one person thing, it has always belonged to the people.

Anyway, yes, there you have it, that’s what’s been going on. I’m walking at least two hours a day now, my feet are not used to it which is hard, but it’s going okay. I’m noticing people start to see me, I mean, the real me, and that’s interesting because some people are terrified and then some are just so relieved. It’s the ones who are relieved that make me happy. And there was a little kid the other day who gave me this great smile, like he totally knew what was up. That’s the thing, spiritually it’s also delocal, so even people NOT online are feeling something. There are a number of knots that can be so painful they can drive people to suicide, I mean seriously, if you feel suicidal you have to hang on and have faith, because the suicide thing isn’t working anymore. It’s an old feeling of needing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. We need you here.

Anyway, my dad is coming in today, which is good, because I had no idea how to start talking to him. I know he hates it when I call him dad though, so I guess I will call him Edward because that is more comfortable for him.

Full of Grease!

I spent all evening at my Aunt Beth’s ordination into the Anglican Church. Next she becomes a priest. It was pretty interesting, all kinds of stuff about her being called to serve the Lord and that, we all got sprinkled with holy water, did communion, sang a bunch of hymns. That makes three ordained ministers in the family now. When my Grampa went to school Indians were only allowed to be nurses or ministers, so that’s what he did. He’s finished translating the entire Bible into Plains Cree. We were going to give him some other religious text just to keep him busy, but I think he’s done. He’s always getting me to reinstall his Cree fonts. For the love of God, someone make Cree syllabics in a Mac compatible font! I cannot install HelviCree at all, it doesn’t work.

It was nice being around all the churchy folk, they seemed upbeat and calm. And Aunt Beth finally got to put on her clerical collar, which was cool. I got to see all my cousins and that. Poor miss Spenny got freaked out by aliens at Christmas this past year and refused to let her sister unplug the Christmas tree lights. I don’t know why she thought that would keep away aliens. Like, what, is she going to walk around with a fully lit Christmas tree at all times? I understand the impulse though. And my cuz D is coming back to town soon, which is nice, I miss her. She’s ridiculously funny AND sincere and open minded, which are nice things. She makes me laugh. One time we were on drugs and she sat in front of a door for two hours saying “This is better than the Galaxy!” The Galaxy is Saskatoon’s cineplex. And then she told a lampshade to fuck off. I mean, too cute! Nah, she’s cool, she’s had all kinds of interesting adventures.

Once in Preston’s house when he had all those poltergeists her shoe ended up at the bottom of the stairs and we were so terrified something had come along with it that we smudged her shoe when we got home. Yes, we smudged a shoe! I mean, you can’t be too careful these days.

And I still have nothing to wear to Cindy and Megan’s wedding, and it’s so soon! Crap. Anyway, this was kind of a silly post, but that’s what I was up to tonight.