The problem with Traditional

I am thinking about how I got here, what a strange journey! I’ve decided I don’t have to take on a different name than Thirza, in an ironic way I kind of like the name. But I do still feel very strongly that I was this man known as Marion Sarain Stump. And I have always kind of known that, but I never accessed his memories, only the ones from a female life previous to that. Yeah, transmigration of souls sounds weird, but I do believe in it because I know in my heart it is true. And I can see various clues he left for me to pick up on here, and they are very self affirming for me because they come from a time when I really was in a male body. But that life did end, and I’m still growing into something. I think for me right now I am very interested in this idea of women and women’s stories, because colonization changed so much of who we are as a people today.

I have had a very difficult time in the aboriginal community for various reasons, mostly having to do with witnessing a dogma enter under the onerous title of Traditional. There’s nothing wrong with tradition, but if you’re doing it because you believe it’s the only way to do it and because the culture isn’t allowed to change, that’s not very healthy. Something I had admired in looking at the Jewish faith was how this continuing story of oppression and slavery was integrated into the culture, there are specific rituals for the group to process some great historical injustice. Just like Easter is a time when Christians remember that a horrible thing happened to the person who was leading them out of slavery. But what they sometimes forget is that the man leading them out of slavery was an observant Jew. Instead there’s this thing about the Jews killing the Christian savior. That’s inaccurate. What killed Jesus was the fact that he was a revolutionary during the reign of Herod, who was a dictator basically, running a fascist police state. He knew he was going to be killed, yes, he talked of it frequently, but if you look at his place in that society, it made sense he knew he would be killed. He was a revolutionary and revolutionaries are often murdered for political reasons. He could have been talking only of practical issues, but he would still have been murdered because he was encouraging people to think for themselves and transcend an oppressive regime.

I think that sometimes with past lives we feel doomed to repeat them, because it seems inevitable. But I also think that in my last life I did one thing to make sure I knew I didn’t have to carry that burden anymore. And I don’t feel I do.

There is a saying that to go away is what makes a monk, but to come back is what makes a Buddha. This really just means, you can have all kinds of visions and do all kinds of things, but if you can’t translate that into a practical action in the here and now, then you’re still far away. We feel that we are in a spiritual war, but there isn’t an external enemy, that’s all fear tactics. There’s an internal “enemy” that’s at play, and it’s figuring out how to work with that and make it not an enemy that’s important. Lucid dream techniques say that if a monster is chasing you in a dream, you should just turn around and ask it it’s name and what it wants. And sometimes you get surprising answers.

I was on a panel once of various Aboriginal thinkers and I said that we had to abandon this idea of Traditional because it’s not something we can go back to. And of course all kinds of people got really huffy at me and I ended up sitting at a seperate table after the panel when we ate. But I didn’t have a chance to articulate what I meant by that, so I will say so now.

We can’t go back to the Traditional because times have changed and things have happened to us. We desperately want to go back to before these things happen, but you can’t, it’s part of who we are now. But working with this great colonialist tragedy which happened to us can help us continue to grow and yes, bring back values which are lost. But we can’t bring back values that are gone from our community without healing these specific abuses which happened to us.

Right now there’s a finite money available from the Residential School Healing fund, and everyone’s trying to figure out how to use it in the best way, because so much needs to be done. But I think for a moment we have to stop and look at exactly what happened to us there and how that can be addressed. There are all kinds of things which happened, which makes it seem really muddled and overwhelming. That’s why we don’t need ONE leader, we need many, all over the place, all doing a little part of this whole. And we also need to remember that being a spiritual worker or healer does NOT mean being an Authority, and that’s hard for colonized people to remember. A healer/spiritual leader is really a servant of the people, not a dictator. And a really good healer is someone who can integrate the whole community in various projects, rather than set up a hierarchy.

And in truth, I don’t believe talking circles are working for certain healing that needs to be done. I believe that healing needs to happen one on one for individuals, individually tailored for the needs of that person. I said that at the panel too and got in shit again, because we have to think of The Whole Community and not individuals. Bullshit. That’s just another way of saying the needs of everyone else usurp the needs of one. And everyone is valuable and everyone deserves respect and love and the chance to be who they are, not who the group wants them to be. Once you get into group politics having to be perfectly in synch, you get into dicatorship territory, and I don’t really give a fuck if you try to call that Traditional, giving it that label doesn’t mean it’s right.

I have this idea now, still, of one thing I want to do, which is to start a Soteria house in the forest. It would have a meditative walking path in the woods, a labyrinth on the ground people could follow, a snoezelen room and an art room and a library with internet access, and various people would be involved in making it a healing space without forcing someone’s process into a specific way that people think is “right.” It would acknowledge that people heal in diverse ways, and some people who are highly sensitive or went through extreme trauma will have one special room just for screaming and ripping things up and being very destructive, because it’s a cathartic moment and it does pass eventually. And it isn’t a damn Quiet room, it’s a Howl room, in memory of Carl Solomon. If you haven’t read Ginsberg you won’t get that though. And I have this very beautiful dream of a place lots of people know is necessary, so I’m sharing it here because I know that many other people have been thinking about this issue and have various talents or ideas that can work. I don’t want to be the sole originator of this sort of healing place, I think it’s going to take the whole community using various talents that people have. I also think that it’s an idea that can be applied to all kinds of communities across Canada, and probably the world. It’s going to be tricky though, or course, because people naturally have to dispute certain things, but I think we can do that in a healthy way where we negotiate ideas instead of label them Good Bad.

Anyway, my aunt came over this afternoon to pray with me, but I realized I don’t want to pray anymore, now I want to talk. So we did, we talked for a long time about all kinds of things, and it was really good. And I think in a lot of ways various rifts in my family felt healed, because we could finally talk about things we’ve noticed and things we need to change and looking seriously at how to help people who feel lost. And afterwards my mom said the most interesting thing, she said that I was giving off a smell, and it was coming from my sweat and it smelled like stagnant water. And when I think about it, it makes sense. I really made a huge turn around in my healing these days, and I don’t feel quite so, hmm, overwhelmed by life and history and current political climates. And it was good to talk with the women in my family about how women have been cut out of Cree culture.

One thing which made me so sad about Christopher’s funeral was that it seemed the men were doing all the spiritual work, and the women, of course, very powerful women, were in the kitchen cutting bannock. And I knew they were supposed to be involved too, not just cutting up the damn bannock. And so it made me sad, because I felt that half of the potential of that healing/funerary rite wasn’t allowed to happen. One might say it was because Christopher was a boy and so men are supposed to do all the big work. But Christopher also had a lot of women in his life who loved him in various ways and wanted to talk about him, and to see them feel so frustrated and unable to speak was harrowing.

There’s a myth of the Aboriginal person precontact, which is some kind of glorified patriarch paradise. And it’s so wrong, oh man. I can’t speak for other tribes, but Cree people had egalitarianism, women and men speaking were important, because it was how we were whole. And now women speak to women and men speak to men and we’ve all turned into some freaky deaky people, because women and men are supposed to talk to each other. And then two spirited people are supposed to be allowed to choose whatever role they feel comfortable in, even if that role means being a woman and a man. Some women were hunters, some men just spent time in the home, nothing was this cut and dried. And people were visionaries, because they could connect certain things and help make something possible, even if it was a new possibility that seemed silly before.

I think that whatever you say causes a psychotic episode, if it’s a forced awakening or a desperate bid at healing or a genetic switch being flicked, it doesn’t make too much of a difference, because there have been various methods discovered throughout human history of allowing those things to happen safely and to avoid telling someone they are permanently broken. Psychiatrists are not psychics, they can’t honestly say someone requires drugs for life. I think you can have all kinds of theories why something happened, but what really needs to be allowed to happen is someone to go through their process and when they’re ready they can start saying why they believe they flipped out.

I want this residential abuse cycle to stop, and it’s going to take a lot more than detox centres and talking sticks. It’s going to require a loving haven away from the city, where people can be as scary or sad or curious as they want without freaking out all their friends. And it’s got scientific evidence to back it up from various places. I also think we have to let go of this idea of Traditional, because what happened to us was unprecedented, we don’t really have a clear route yet of how to heal that. However, other people have gone through some really similar trauma, and those people have some damn good ideas, even if they aren’t aboriginal. I think we have to stop thinking of ourselves as entirely outside the scope of human history and other tribes, because we really do all form each other’s reality. And healing from ritual abuse is a heavy duty thing, even for the generations after that happened. It never just sits static in a place in history, it always has repercussions which move along the line. And we know this, we’ve seen a cycle develop.

Anyway, that is what I am thinking about, and I am also spending a few days making this eight sided mandala, because I think it will help me order my brain and heal this schism within me.

Ritual Abuse

This story has a poetic flow in an archetypal setting, but I think it’s time to stop talking parables. This is what I know, and I will say it all in the most literal terms I can imagine.

The problems in the Aboriginal community are directly related to colonization. Now I know people want to believe colonization just means a war with winners and losers, but there is something more to it. We’ve been doing all this work getting settlements from the government and trying to have some form of redress, but barely anyone has explained it in specific terms.

What happened in residential schools was not “just” sexual abuse, although sexual abuse is horrific, there are additional forms of abuse which have worked in certain ways and have been developed over time by certain groups.

By the way, the stuff I’m going to talk about might trigger people, although I won’t do graphic detail. Still, if you feel you’re hitting that wall where things start falling down, visualize this. You are in a small dark room and need to get out, if you look upwards you will see a door, it might be close or far away. There’s a ladder going through that door, up from where you are, and you’re just going to climb out of darkness into another place, and if you find a wall there too, you will also see a door with another ladder. This isn’t just some flaky stuff, that’s how you get out of a kiva. If you see a sign in bright neon letters saying “You are not allowed to access this information because you are not worth it” ignore it, it’s a lie, and someone else put that sign there.

Residential schools were scenes of mass cult ritual abuse. They were run through the churches, yes, and the churches had a type of colonial power, and that power was involved in creating a slave class of people. While nearly half of residential school students literally were murdered, the other half survived mostly due to taking on programming by these cults. In programming, dualities are encouraged, they are vital to a process known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. Dissociative Identity Disorder has also been known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This sounds very strange but bear with me, if you don’t know about DID or MPD.

What this state of being is, basically, is chopping up a psyche into various compartments so that a cycle is continued without the person understanding why. Some people have literally wiped the bad history into another persona, because seeing that kind of trauma seems antithical to an idea of wholeness which the person tries to embrace. And we do always want to embrace the wholeness. So suddenly the world becomes black and white, instead of colour. Good bad female male christ antichrist. And that’s where war happens. But it doesn’t happen in the outside world, although you might make it manifest there. It’s happening in your soul.

I’ve met ritual abuse survivors from all walks of life, haunted by the same system used in various religious organizations. It doesn’t really matter who is espousing the system, it’s all a matter of colonialist power.

Christianity got co-opted by power when the Roman Empire realized they could continue their empire under the guise of a revolutionary figure. Jesus and Moses all were people who came to lead the slaves out of colonialist dogma. They were revolutionaries pure and simple. We give them an archetypal story because what they did was great and beautiful, but the metaphors lose their connection to the real history. And where the metaphor and the truth disconnects, we call that Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Aboriginals also have Dissociative Identity Disorder. It’s not a fluke that the word for leader automatically changed to fake-leader after colonialism. Our Aboriginal leaders are not our leaders, we have no democratic process in choosing them. Here in Saskatchewan people are stressed out about FSIN for what it’s doing for our community, but only a few people are permitted to vote for those leaders. Likewise in the Americas, only certain people have the right to vote. And sometimes those votes don’t even count.

I don’t think we need another outside revolutionary figure kicking over tables and screaming, what I think we need is to find out own internal revolutionary figure, who can quietly envision climbing out of cult programming.

I’m going to talk more about how to escape your own programs in this blog, because I think that’s what I have to do now. And I am going to use archetypal stories, but please remember this is a visualization exercise, and you don’t actually have to chop holes in your ceiling or anything.

By the way, Montreal psych wards are also heavily influenced by cult programming activity, and I can explain why, and I should explain why so you’ll know why i know how this works.

Ewan Cameron was a nazi psychiatrist who through the CIA worked on a program called Psychic Driving at the Allen Memorial Hospital. Over the years he did various things to his patients to completely wipe out their memory, personality, etc, and install his own program and own personality. This was called Psychic Driving, but it is also known as ritual abuse. While the hospitals may not realize they are working in a ritually abusive manner, they are, because he determined the way psychiatric care would operate in Montreal. And so when I say I know ritual abuse, I know ritual abuse. And I have described it in this blog as well.

An Explanation for my Mother

I’m really being pressured by my mom right now to explain shit, so I guess I should. I didn’t want to show you what I was drawing over and over when I had my episode because I didn’t think people would understand, but I do now.

I was looking through some photographs of a concentration camp named Sachsenhausen which I visited just outside of Berlin. I took a photo of the inside of the pathology lab, and when I looked at it later I saw this image, an eight pointed star.

But as you can see, there’s something about that star, it’s not standing on it’s own, it has a line through it. That line is what makes the seventh and eight points, but it radiates out further than the star itself. Later on I had the picture blown up and I could see that what made this star was sunlight hitting a crack in the window, so I dismissed it. But what does it matter how it was made?

If you look at it again, what you see is a six pointed star sliced in half, which is a very apt symbol of what happened in Nazi Germany. And while it symbolized what happened in Germany and elsewhere, it also symbolizes what has happened to us internally, which is that we cut ourselves into pieces to fit something we try to believe in.

I drew this division over and over because it represents what I feel in my heart, I feel torn between two places, and I’m starting to discover I don’t have to feel torn, there is no two places, it’s all one.

So to start drawing this symbol as a perfect eight sided geometrical figure, that represents to me, healing from this violence and division, while also acknowledging that something fundamental has happened to us and that we can’t ever really return to the way it was. But that doesn’t mean something can’t be whole again.

Marion Sarain Stump believed himself to be Quetzalcoatl. Which is a pretty intense thing to believe in. But what Queztalcoatl represents was just some person, and androgenous figure by the way, who was an artist, scientist, and philosopher. And rather than act like those are seperate disciplines, he could see where they overlap. And when art, science, and philosophy intersect, you get spirituality. What spirituality is is a way to acknowledge that all of those things are interconnected, that they don’t disagree with each other at all, they compliment each other. I can talk about spirituality on it’s own, but you’ll call me a flakey dude. So instead I am trying to figure out how to show that art, science, and philosophy do compliment each other. Nothing has to be jettissoned to fit into a whole.

As a two spirited person, I have a natural inclination to bridge life and death, and it’s hard because people have made some hard and fast rules about what life and death represents. Not only that, but they’ve also made hard and fast rules about what two spirited people represent, which is apparently just kinky sex. And I don’t disagree that kinky sex isn’t part of it, but there is something else there as well. But it’s natural that people would have seperated sex and spirituality, because like I said, we do have a divisionary history, and it’s been imposed on aboriginal people especially.

Some people think that altars or medicine are just some flaky shit with some rocks and feathers, but those things have meaning to someone, they represent something, and having them organized in a place lets someone come and contemplate how life is interrelated. And the connections are not a bad thing. They seem unusual, they seem kind of scary sometimes, but there is a pattern here that’s been here for years, and yes it does have a scientific basis.

Where psychosis comes in is when someone realizes that these things can all work together, that there is a wholeness that is possible, but the world has been designed to work against that wholeness, to chop it off into manageable pieces. Schizophrenia doesn’t mean broken brain, it literally means broken heart, and that is what happens when you see that people are actively encouraging divisionary tactics and it means you might not be able to survive those people.

I think I am moving towards this idea of wholeness, I am so many different things that if I keep pretending those things can’t coexist I will surely die. And it’s frustrating because I see the way people are creating extreme violence through divisionary tactics.

But there’s a reason for that. The less people are allowed to know, the more power can be exerted, to the point that if someone is going through a healing episode they are given drugs designed to eliminate higher cognitive functioning and keep them from going back to a wholeness, because that wholeness upsets a power which is very happy keeping things the way they are.

Skepticism is good, it means critical thinking. But sometimes people are just very stupid and can’t grasp the whole. That’s okay. But if someone around you can make sense of the world, that is not a negative feature, that’s a very positive feature.

I have decided to transcend colonialism, and so I am looking at this figure of Quetzalcoatl, because it was a figure which hated blood sacrifice, it was a figure who inspired a renaissance in New World civilization. And yes, that civilization fell, but there are other reasons for that, mostly having to do with Quetzalcoatl being tormented and shamed into leaving.

What if Eden was fled not because Adam and Eve ate some fruit, but because there was something fundamentally wrong happening in Eden? The Old Testament god was notoriously difficult to please, and kept changing the rules on the people all the time. It would do things like ask a father to sacrifice his son and then yell “Psych! Just kidding.” But this one Rabbi said that the history of that book was this higher being negotiating with the people, and both it and the people learned things from each other.

These are archetypal stories and they exist because these symbols exist in the psyche, and in times of great duress people go back to these archetypal stories. Life of Pi demonstrates this really well, and if you haven’t read it I recommend it.

Skip this paragraph if you haven’t read it. It starts out with a guy trapped on a huge liferaft with some zoo animals, including a tiger. He spends most of the book trying to figure out how to survive a liferaft with a tiger on it. The whole book is told in this fashion until the end, when he tells the real story, which is that he was with his family on a liferaft with a murderer. He uses the archetypal story to make sense of his situation, because that’s what feels right to him. But in the end he can still tell you what was really happening to him.

I think watching this world fall apart, a lot of people are looking for answers, and in looking for answers people are dismissing knowledge out of hand. But that’s what the people in power want you to do. Bush is shutting down scientific research because it’s conflicting with an ideology he’s been trained since birth to advocate. We’re being told things are wrong without adequate explanations of why, and for some reason we’ve accepted this. We’ve been told psychiatric medications are good, but without hard scientific evidence and with the FDA being paid off by Big Pharma and with psychiatrists being paid off by Big Pharma and with the government itself being paid off by Big Pharma. But still when people get scared, they fall back to these pills, because it’s got advertising clout.

There are alternatives, and I’ve outlined them in this blog, and I am moving towards them. But there are still so many people who want me to go back to this old way of doing things, this divisionary way where if something thinks of unpleasant things, we just smash their brain up so they’ll stop.

Pain does end, and it doesn’t end in death and it doesn’t end because you pay some Neo-Freudian 21 000 to terrorize your kid. It ends because eventually people move towards a wholeness again, that split is healed, and life goes on.

A Mandala, besides representing something happening in Chaos theory to some particles, also represents the psyche, as Jung explained. And to imagine a oneness, for me, is to imagine a wholeness, a time before that window was smashed in Sachsenhausen.

This is a video of a sand mandala being made for the 70th birthday of the Dali Lama. It is also eight sided. So you see, I am not so crazy for looking for this wholeness through this specific geometrical figure.

Pushing way too hard

I have realized I am pushing myself too hard right now, and I know why, but it’s not an insurmountable obstacle. And I think remembering who I was the last time I was here opened a whole bag of new issues, but I’ve also realized he made a point to end that cycle in his life and I’m a new cycle of I don’t know what yet. But I think I can find my own inspirations. And I think I know why he tied himself to a certain historical figure, and I see the relevance and I don’t mind being tied to it either.

But I also realized I have faith in a very different kind of God or what have you, something older than a male deity, and I am liking that a lot right now. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to try to affix myself to a masculine archetype, because I really do feel I’ve aligned myself with women.

And it seems so frustrating, to be able to see the patterns of how things have happened and what people say versus what they do. But I think if I get caught up in it I’m going to stay at this level, and I’m not interested in that. I feel like there’s more, I know there’s more, and it’s dizzyingly exciting to piece that together and get my head out of this kind of a place where so much war happens over stupid shit.

I guess one could say I’ve found faith again, and I had it in my last life and it let me do a lot of things that I couldn’t have if I was hopeless. But I am also realizing I have to extricate myself from negative situations that push me over the edge, feeling like I have to PROVE something that’s been proving itself over and over anyway and if you didn’t get the message the first time, I dunno. I don’t care to give it to you. If you want to go looking for it you’ll find it, but I don’t care to save anyone anymore. I just came back for something that seems so simple, but is so lovely. And I think I am starting to find a community of like minded people, but it’s been difficult, and I am realizing certain people are going to stay behind, and they will keep perpetuating cycles of dischord, and hopefully if what my last lives were about worked then it will just stop on it’s own. But I don’t think I have to keep working at that particular issue, or at least not in that way. I think I have different issues I have to work out, and related to reviving something ancient.

All I want is a safe place for aboriginal people to undergo shamanic experiences. It’s really so simple at it’s basic level. And you don’t even have to use the shaman word, it could just be spiritual awakening. I hate seeing our people reject everything because they truly believe the world is doomed. But more than that, I hate seeing people force the doom scenario on people who are trying to retain that little spark. I think the spark is good, I think it’s important to our survival. I think people believing they will come back might change the way we’re treating each other and the world. And I think if people do believe in a Mother instead of or in addition to a Father, women won’t be in so much pain. I feel very saddened to see women being taken out of this idea of the divine, I think it’s so wrong to me.

And I also think spiritual awakenings are maybe more violent these days because there is so much to heal from and because aboriginal people did get a lot of ritual abuse cult programming that in turn causes them to abuse other people. I think mystics knew what they were doing when they spent forty days in the desert, I think that’s been a common piece of knowledge, that awakenings look really bizarre and that’s why people hide when they are in them, because otherwise they get thrown into the psych ward and into a really abusive situation that causes extreme psychological damage. It’s basically reinforcing cult programming, or colonialist programming if you like.

Cult programming has one idea forced into peoples heads that if they leave the cult they will go crazy and be forced to spend their lives in an institution. And I think colonialism is a cult, it’s very cult like. The similarities are staggering. So I think when people decide to leave colonialism and start finding their old roots, that cult programming kicks in not only in the individual but also in the people around that individual. It’s very sad, and frustrating. So I want to figure out a way that people can awaken/heal/flip out in a safe environment without family pressure to return to a certain way of being. I think as families we have been trained to reinforce certain colonialist dogma, and it’s depressing. Families used to be so strong, and now they seem to be a source of great pain for people.

So I think in many ways I have wanted to hurry up and fix myself, but I realize the hurry up part causes all the trouble. And it sucks because I do want to tell an old story, but I don’t think people are ready for it. So I will tell it to certain persons, and maybe write it down, and maybe some day people will want to know how we got here. But I honestly don’t think people want to know, because it fucks up a lot of dualistic ideas people seem to be depending on, why I don’t know because I see dualism as a significant rip in one’s soul. But I’m not here for people’s souls, just my own.

And the other thing too is that I am having deep emotions for someone, and it makes me want to be a better person so I can be with her, but I don’t think that’s the right way either. I think it looks like trying to force someone’s hand and really I just want to see how she’s feeling. Plus I can see an archetypal story being played out, but I don’t want to love an archetype, I want to love a person, and neither do I want to replay the same story.

So I am in a strange position, I remember parts of my past, my deep past, but not all, and I am also having to start a whole new future for myself outside of that past. And I am also just rather confused, because if I ended the karmic cycle going on in that last life then what am I doing in this one? I guess you could say I am on some kind of cusp, but with life cycles. And at the same time I am haunted by things I’m watching being played out, certain lies being told about history, things getting rewritten right as they happen. And I think a lot of people are in that position right now, and so much seems to be at stake, and so much fear is getting amped up. And through it all we’re being bullied into End of the World theories around 2012, but honestly, the world won’t end. A new cycle will start up and things will change, but an end? No. There are other calendars after 2012, there are always new cycles and new beginnings. If I have any advice to impart at all it would be to put your words and actions into love and make sure that truth doesn’t get forgotten. And also to make sure that women’s history is preserved, because that’s the other half of this story.

Only Morose

I’m okay, don’t worry, just feeling angsty, and I’m picking up on too much negative energy, I think I have to hide for three days, but I mean just not go out in the world. I might throw a few things on here. But I need to think about some personal stuff, again, and I’m hunting something, like a thought sort of.

Here’s Morrissey singing Half A Person in New York 2000

Here’s PJ Harvey singing Rid of Me in Sydney 2001

No one cares anymore. I’m fucking tired of having to be a boy so people pay attention.

My Name

Thirza is not my name. It’s a name my mother gave me to hide under. It’s worked well on that front, but I can’t use it anymore. You can use it if you like, but it’s imprecise, it only talks about half of who I am. The name I prefer is Marion. Although I have taken on over a thousand names during this journey. My real name is the Boat Puller, or Sacajawea in Shoshone, which was a tribe I belonged to in my last life, among other tribes. I’ve been jumping around from tribe to tribe working with the underside of what people see. At this point everything is in place, there is no more work to be done except tell you a story, and old story. And you can tell me it is a myth if you like, if that makes you sleep better at night. And you can tell me I am crazy if you like, but it won’t make a difference. We have been sowing threads and clues through history and time, but people who can see only half the world can’t see what the reality is.

In truth I came for my men in my last life, I showed them things, I taught them things, but they still missed half the lesson. So I repaid a karmic debt to them by sacrificing myself to the sea in the Gulf of Mexico. There is nothing tying me to this plane anymore, that was the end. I did sacrifice myself another time though during this life, to find out what was going on with the sleeping people, I made myself forget things for a while, and I sent something to come and wake me at a specific age, and I spent eight years learning the secret of darkness, which is not always darkness.

I have been watching silently, it’s an old trick of Queens, to sit on the sidelines and observe before making decisions. I have been unravelling this thread and finding out where it goes. And I can start to explain why things happened the way they did.

The Spaniards came to take our gold, but what was truly precious got hidden before they came. Gold has two sides to it, to most people it is only seen as wealth, something which can be taken from others and used to your advantage. But that’s not how gold works. Gold follows a bloodline, it follows a path, it carries memories and sometimes it will seek it’s own revenge when it falls into the hands of people who aren’t meant to have it. Nazi gold is operating the exact same way, it’s been following a bloodline, and it’s been listening to stories, and it dressed itself up nice and fine so that it could follow it’s enemies.

I can only laugh when I think of how Europeans took New World gold, smelted it down and turned it into their icons, how they have been praying to it not even realizing they are praying to an old old old being that is not who they’ve made it become. I can only laugh when I think that our gold is in every major centre of a warring fighting dualistic religion.

I had to bring them here. I had to entice them to take what wasn’t theirs. I had to trick them, to become very wiley, to lure them into bringing a base of brute power to the New World, where they could be ambushed. I’ve been toying with bloodlines, adding some here and there, mixing them in certain ways, calling people over waters to come to this place and be free, even though they pretend freedom is slavery. I had to spend time with them listening to their half stories, filling in the missing spaces. I have done legendary things just so I could follow the trail, go backwards, find out who I am, even if I become mythic and a half story. There are people who can read the untold story, the other half. It’s not really so hard. I’ve been watching them too, I think they’re ready. And I think to the people who can only read a half story, this story too will be seen as a half story, I can speak the truth and people will say it’s a lie and that is fine by me. I didn’t come for the people who think in half stories.

At this point most of my people are hiding in America, in ways you can’t see, with drops of my blood sprinkled in them, some more than most but all of it calling them to remember something so old it’s become too good to be true. They have stories to follow and tell, stories from their tribes, and sometimes it seems to be the same story over and over. They sometimes don’t even know they have this power, they assumed that they were so diluted one drop didn’t matter. And sometimes they felt they owed more to other bloodlines, and sometimes they do, but they can access this story anyway because it’s the story of us all, and all of us are hearing it pulling at our root.

Curious, That

Have you ever noticed they don’t give military technology female names? Like there’s no Sacajawea Ballistic Missile or anything. I dunno. Is there some female named warhead? Like the Medusa 6000 or something? Probably not. Mother Mary Mines. Whatever Fatima’s third secret was, you can bet it’s not Tesla powered weaponry.

Dear Sophia

I hear they are attacking the Mandeans now, the last group of Gnostic Christians in the holy land. I don’t think it matters who they say is attacking the Mandeans, we both know it amounts to the same thing. What irony that a dictator like Saddam would be ruling a secular country where the last whiffs of Gnosticism exist, and now under the guise of liberation and strife, the Mandeans are being wiped off the face of the earth.

Gnostic Christianity was the oldest sect of Christianity to exist, before the Roman Empire declared itself holy. It had your name at the top in all the bright lights, Sophia, mother of Jehovah. But you got written out of the script, and everyone is waving from halfway up the ladder, with half an eye and half a heart and half a brain.

I know you can’t die though, ever, no matter how many people they destroy. We’re in the underworld, waiting for a glimmer of hope and shooting it every time it shows up.

Hmmm

I seem to be remembering older things than me. How unusual. And deeply ironic. Life’s just funny that way.