The Future Is Uncertain

So tonight I got the last confirmation from my references, and now York has ALL of my letters of recommendation!  I also checked my tracking numbers for my application and my portfolio on Canada Post’s website, and both arrived safe and sound at their destination!  I’m pretty happy!  All I have to do now is get my letter and my report from my psychiatrist mailed off to the Special Admissions Office so they will take my disability into account when looking at my transcript.  I was going to wait until I saw my psychiatrist again, but I think I will call her office tomorrow and ask her to write it for me so I can just drop by, pick it up, and get this last little piece into the mail.  I know the committees meet in February, it says I just need to get it in by April 1, but I want to do it earlier.  Just in case!

I had a candy apple today from Rocky Mountain Chocolate.  I think that’s what they are called.  They have all these fancy candy apples, I just had a plain red one.  It was so good!  Usually they just have caramel apples at the fair, but the candy ones have a special place in my heart.  We were at the mall.  My cousin went into the knife store, and so I followed her, they had FOUR knives with swastikas on them!  I was like “Holy shit!  Nazi knives!”  She said “Oh but isn’t that a Tibetan symbol?” And I was like “NO!  THESE are nazi knives!”  And they were, red and black and white, had a fucking eagle and everything.  Racist knives!  UGH!  I was surprised by how not offended she was.  I mean, who’s going to buy those?  White supremacists, that’s who! 


I think I am becoming allergic to down.  I’ve been getting a stuffy nose every time I lay my head down on my pillow.  I switched pillows, so tonight I will find out if it’s true.

It has been 44 days without a cigarette!  It’s was a little rough when I stepped down to Step 2 of the patch, but now I am used to this dose of nicotine.  It’s alright.  I think this might really be it.  44 days is pretty awesome.  And I’m not drinking, which is usually when my defenses would crumble and I would bum a smoke.  I had a bunch of nicotine lozenges yesterday, but I think today I only had two or three.  Still not smoking up either, it’s been 362 days!  I am SO CLOSE to a year clean!  I’m feeling really good.  My cousin is smoking up a lot and where ever she goes she smells like weed.  I used to be like that!  Skunky and going nowhere!

One of my references told me my writing was terrific.  Made me feel good.  My Mom is really supportive of this attempt to get into graduate studies because she thinks it’s something I am really good at and that I have a good chance.  I know she’ll be sad when I leave though.  And Grandpa doesn’t want me to go.  But I have to.  I can’t stay here forever just because my family’s here, it’s limiting me.

I haven’t heard about my job yet!  Yikes!  Cross fingers!  I really need it, I’m tired of being poor.  I would be more comfortable.  Maybe even be able to get a credit card.  Which is a useful thing to have, I have some online subscriptions that I have to use my Mom’s card to pay for.  Awkward! 

I feel like I am ready to love somebody.  But maybe I shouldn’t fall in love when I am just going to leave anyway.  Although nothing in my future is certain right now.  It’s all still a big question mark.  I would have to meet someone pretty amazing to fall in love.  I have a history of amazing girlfriends with big personalities.  My first girlfriend was so different than all the rest though, kind of funny that.  Was it because she was butch?  She was so sweet.  Aw, I really loved her.  I loved them all though, in various ways. 

The cat is beside me purring, and Mister is in the middle of the bed having a snooze.  I should snuggle him and go to sleep.  I’m totally curious about what is going to happen to me in the future, I really don’t know!  My Grandmother’s having a lot of problems these days.  I know she is going to go soon.  I feel bad for her, her body is wearing out.  That’s probably the only thing that makes me feel bad about possibly leaving, not being around for her last months/years.  We were really close while I was growing up, her and my Grandpa.  Grandpa seems to be fine, his only trouble is being mostly deaf.

There are things I have to do though, with my life.  I can’t spend it all in Saskatoon.

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