Doing Nothing, Feeling Everything

I made jam the other day!  It was such an involved process, but in the end I think it turned out well!  The jam itself tastes super good, just like Grandma’s, which isn’t entirely surprising considering I was using the same CERTO recipe she used to use.  I think I am gonna make more!  The only thing I did wrong was I didn’t fill up the jars as much as I should have, but I am giving a lot of it away so hopefully they will start eating it soon anyway.

I had a dream last night that my ex whatever and I were back in high school, only the high school was an English Rider Immersion Program and we all wore jodhpurs and those helmets and boots and jackets and carried riding crops.  Now that I think more carefully on it it was kind of a sexy dream, except there was no kissing or anything.  And then we both went to the carnival!  Which was sweet.  I haven’t been in years and I don’t think I am going this year either.  I had a candy apple at the Powwow yesterday, I think that’s as good as I’m gonna get!

I have to do some paperwork for arty reasons, and start working on a couple of grants.  It’s a pain, but also a good exercise for clarifying artistic visions.  I have until October 1 to get my grants done.  And my final reports.  It’s time!

I am working hard on doing nothing, I mean, in a sense of my romantic life.  In other parts of my life I am quite busy, but I am trying not to act desperate or make grand gestures to women.  So far, it’s going alright.  I think I am feeling a little more confident by not doing anything, oddly enough.  I don’t know what that’s about.  I’m not feeling so lonely, even though I’m not really dating anyone or anything.  I guess because there is no pressure on me to find someone, it’s given me some space to just think.  Maybe this time someone will make the moves on ME!  Even my ongoing unrequited love has kind of faded into this calm background noise.

I have discovered that there are three women I am still in love with and have realized I will always love them.  My ex Ivana, my ex Amber Dawn, and my ex Rheanne.  And I think maybe it’s okay that I will always love those three women.  They played a significant role in my life at various points.  I know Ivana and Amber Dawn were my most serious relationships, so it makes sense that I would love them still.  And I lost my virginity to Rheanne and she was my first love, so that makes sense too.  And just because I love them doesn’t mean I think they were perfect for me.  Our relationships had a lot of flaws.  But that’s okay.  Because people are naturally flawed.  I don’t think it even matters if they love me back or not.  It would be nice, but it’s not necessary.  I can still have a full feeling even with it not being returned.  And maybe it’s just a good thing to accept that those three women made a mark in my heart. 

So that is what I have learned so far in doing nothing in my romantic life.  Making peace with the past is good for me anyway. 

And now I am tired.  I should go to sleep, dream of jodhpurs again!

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