Hips

Honestly transitioning is the most interesting thing I’ve done in ages. I know one day it will just be like, whatever, pretty routine and normal for me. Doing my shot this morning felt really routine even though my needles and syringes got thrown out I think (I have a cleaner and it was in a bag looking like a bag of plastic bags). BUT I had other needles and syringes that I’d gotten before my first shot when I thought I had to provide it all to the nurse. So it was fine. I liked those other syringes though and I think I’m gonna ask for more of them when I see my nurse, because the needle gets locked onto the syringe better than the 1ml syringes, and testosterone is in a really thick oil and injected through a thin needle so it takes some effort to inject it. Or the way I take it does anyway. BUT besides missing stuff, I actually was pretty good with this shot and not nervous and I remembered all the things including swabbing the vial and also my stomach with alcohol. So I think it went fine.

Seeing the wispiest beginnings of a beard coming in made me euphoric for days. I know it’s so early, today was only the 6th shot and it’s still a low dose. But besides my t cock it was the most obvious recent outward change. And it really just looks like longer face hair but when you look at it it’s very clearly defining my sideburns and part of my jawline. Like it’s in a facial hair pattern, not just rando werewolf hair. I was writing my diary about it and seeing what I’m going to look like in my mind and being like omg this is what I really look like! And I cried about it, but happy tears. Cause before I saw it coming in I didn’t know if I would get facial hair. My Mom said no I wouldn’t get any because the men on her side of the family don’t have much or any facial hair. But my Dad’s side of the family is Métis and definitely hairy and beardy guys.

The other day at Metric, my friend and I were looking at guys beards and I would be like “I think it’s going to be that color…. but I’d probably want it to be trimmed like that guy…” There are a lot of things you can do with facial hair! Plus it means I can finally be a bear!!! Like a real bear ha ha!

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OMG so I don’t know what happened but I didn’t finish this blog entry and then things happened. Anyway, today was my ninth shot (or is it tenth?) OMG it’s the tenth shot! So yeah time passed since that last beginning of a post.

I noticed the other day when I was running my hands over my hips in bed that they were way smaller than before. And I stood in front of the mirror and yeah my hips are kind of going away. That was pretty cool to notice. I don’t know what my shoulders would be doing but some guys told me I’m gonna have to get some new shirts because women’s shirts don’t fit their shoulders now. So I guess I just hope my expensive button ups will survive. I guess we’ll see what happens. BUT part of the awesome thing about my hips disappearing is that maybe I can buy mens pants and they will fit properly. So I’m excited about that.

OH I REMEMBER what happened, I got stressed about money, because a big cheque was late, and I had to get money out of my RSP. And then by the time the bank gave me part of my RSP, the cheque had arrived. But I’d already nearly maxxed out my credit card so I ended up putting most of the RSP money onto that. I know really I should change my card in my ubereats and door dash, because usually it bills my credit card but billing my chequing account would make me more accountable to myself. Anyway that’s why I forgot about finishing this blog post.

A friend gave me some plants which was really nice, but today I noticed black ants and I think they came from the plants. But they were VERY motivated to trying to drink my coke so I know they aren’t weird like the ants already living here that like protein. So I put some ant poison out, hopefully it nips this ant colony in the bud. OR maybe these ants will fight off the other ants.

I still remember accidentally bringing an ant colony to Portugal. I was SO embarrassed. I was less embarrassed when I found out they weren’t an invasive species there tho cause they already have them.

I’m really tired all the time. But I notice I get more loggy just before my shot. Also though I am kind of worried about just being tired all the time even though I know that’s part of a testosterone fuelled puberty. I guess it’s that desire to be productive. I haven’t napped every day like this since Little Mister died. And it’s not like I have a hardcore two hour nap, but like, every day between 4 and 8 I have to get an hour of laying down time. I know though that there are entire countries of people where having a nap in the middle of the day is expected.

I got a letter today from the co-op saying I was approved to be on the internal wait list for a larger one bedroom unit. I actually got on the list way back in April but they didn’t give me a letter until today. It’s kind of funny that they even bothered since they already told me through email.

But it made me a bit sad to see it, because really I would have preferred to be able to put in a request for a two bedroom unit that my partner and I could move into. It would be such cheaper rent, like less than 650 bucks each. And I don’t know. I can always put in a request for a two bedroom in the future. But it’s just one of those things I can bring to a relationship that I feel like certain other partners didn’t give a shit about. Affordable housing in one of the most expensive cities in Canada. It’s not a small thing. I feel like homeownership is just out of reach of most of us by now, this is kind of a really good alternative to trying to buy a house. There was an old lady who lived her whole life and died here, and I know that kind of permanence and stability was not something I was looking for in my 20s or 30s but it sure is now. I don’t want to live somewhere with a landlord who is inevitably gonna renovict me in a year. And I don’t want to scrounge together all my money to buy a property that is gonna need so much upkeep and will keep me from doing other things I’d rather be doing like travelling or having Experiences.

So it was a bit of a bittersweet letter. I’ve been having all these therapy revelations one after another the last while, and one of them was that I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer that was good enough for my last deep feelings relationship/situationship. Which I know isn’t true but it just felt like I had all these things to bring with me and they just weren’t really acknowledged or respected. Or some things I didn’t even get to mention because we never got that far in our situationship. But honestly, that person wanted those things from someone else. So nothing I had to offer would have been good enough because I wasn’t that other person. But it still doesn’t stop me from feeling shitty about what I have to bring to a relationship.

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