Well that’s annoying

I was trying to pay Telefilm back money that I got way back at the beginning of the year but didn’t use (it was travel funds to go to Berlin but some variant was really popular at the time and I wasn’t traveling after all) and I’m just having so much trouble. I went to a bank today (not my branch but the same bank) and spent half an hour trying to get them to do a direct deposit but they said they could only do a wire transfer and then none of us knew what the address was for the actual organization I was paying (and it’s the government also so does it have an address??) Anyway, no dice. I’m going to try again on Halloween but after then I’m gone so I won’t be able to pay it until January. So, that’s an annoying bank task. I wish telefilm gave me the direct deposit info a long time ago so I could have settled this already.

Anyway what else? I was on a panel, it was nice. I got stressed at the bank tho so that kind of puts a downer on my day. BUT food is coming soon, so hopefully that makes me feel better.

My T levels are already almost in normal range. A lower but normal level for T is 8.64 and I’m at 8.3, even though I’m only taking 30mg right now. I got the go ahead to increase my dose, so that’s exciting. I’m going up to 40mg. Which will definitely put me in a typical range. I’m surprised honestly, I thought it would take a lot more T to get me to this level. BUT ALSO going on testosterone seems to be pushing me into pre-diabetic existence. Which sucks. But also I want to be more obviously a man. So yeah, going to 40mg and then trying to have less sugar is basically the plan my trans health care nurse and I decided on. Because otherwise I might have gone up further, but really it’s so close to normal T levels that I don’t have to. And I did drink a lot of full sugar coke which is like, terrible, although delicious. So yeah.

BUT it’s true that some more changes were happening on the 30mg dose than the 20mg dose. I noticed my voice lowering a little bit. I’ve been getting more bottom growth. I still haven’t noticed body hair changing much, it’s fairly smooth. But my sideburn peach fuzz is getting a bit longer. Like, incrementally though. My face is shifting a tiny bit, my cheeks aren’t as round as they used to be. That’s actually funny because when I noticed it I remembered so many times I’d looked at photos of my face and felt it wasn’t quite what I was supposed to look like, and having round cheeks was one of the things that made me feel weird. My sex drive is higher for sure also, I haven’t met up with anyone from Grindr yet but it will probably happen, and even without meeting guys it’s been fun to sext people and just be raunchy. That’s definitely an energy I didn’t get when I was trying to be a lesbian. I don’t know why. I think talking to women on apps is just different.

I still feel very romantically oriented to women and non-binary people, it’s really not changing yet. I know things happen though but right now when I think of being with someone in a long term sense I still want to be with a Femme. But who knows, I don’t know, I’m trying not to predict things anymore. But yeah when I get butterflies it’s typically still for women, Femmes, nonbinary people.

I’m excited to go travel for the rest of the year. Or like, live in Austria for two months anyway. I might be able to travel while I’m there, but also I might save money and just stay at the residency the whole time. I’ve got chunks of money coming in, but its a slow uneven trickle, and I’m trying to avoid having to borrow money. I think I’ll be ok, most of the people paying me are direct depositing my money. And it should all come in the next couple of weeks I think.

I was charged for the hotel room in Boulder and then had to get the University to talk to the manager to reverse charges. Such a drag! I was worried it would take a long time to go through, but it wasn’t too bad. Had VERY LITTLE space on my credit card for a while though. Money is so stressful. Like, it is always coming in, but sometimes shit happens. Or sometimes it doesn’t come when you need it. I still have my RSP, but I’m not gonna be able to make an appointment to borrow any from there until January anyway. Which is fine, I don’t want to touch it again.

I’m depressed because of the depo-provera I’m been taking. My body hates progesterone, and I guess I should have known because I had to get off birth control pills before, and because when I got the trigger shot for my egg retrieval, I got super depressed after. Anyway now I just have to wait for it to leave my system. I’m on a list to get my tubes tied so I don’t have to worry about sex with people with sperm. I could only ever get an ectopic pregnancy but that scares me and is bad so yeah. I’d rather do a one time surgery than try taking ongoing birth control that would hurt or make me feel like this forever. UGH. No thank you.

Mostly things are objectively good. Like if I look at it from outside of my depression, things are fine. I have stable safe housing. My career is fine. My transition is going well. I could have a better relationship with my family, but that’s being worked on. I was finally after years of stress able to set a boundary around a relative’s presence in my life (or rather, to have a preferred absence). And my therapist is back so I don’t have to be without her except for the upcoming winter holiday season when she takes time off. OMG I totally used to always say “Christmas season” and then finally there were enough people who didn’t celebrate it at all in my life that I’ve replaced it with Winter Holiday Season which is longer and clunkier but more accurate. I suppose I could have also just called it the Solstice. I don’t know if I’m witchy enough though to go around celebrating the solstice. I wish I knew more about traditional Cree celebrations. Ahh we probably did celebrate the Solstice.

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