Indie Game Making Feelings, Gender Feelings

I solved this one major issue I had with my game, and now I have two new problems to solve. For the longest time the vampire wasn’t falling in love, but now she is and after a conversation with some other sprite, it will follow her and now I need to make it not follow her so closely so I need an offset. But none of my code is working. I’m wondering if I need to add something to get the offsets to work. When it did kind of work, the girlfriend sprite looked like she was humping the vampire and it was very irritating. So I need to get it to just like, smoothly follow at a respectful short distance. I’m not sure why it’s being so difficult. Also I have to make the sprite dontdestroyonload so that she can follow her into other scenes, but only if she is following the vampire. And then I also have to make a singleton I think so that the sprite doesn’t end up having TWO of itself when she comes back to the street level.

I know I am so close to having this game be finished. I need to fix the audio though, I tried a few different things to get a stake sound to happen, but it’s being a weirdo and like, rapidly repeating the sound so it doesn’t work. I know it’s likely just a setting I need to fix. And then also after I get the sprite to follow Carmilla into other scenes, I need to code it so that she can trigger the winning screen if she falls in love, has blood, and makes it through the maze to her crypt. I think it will be fairly straightforward. Most of the hard stuff has been programmed and now it’s just these last fiddly things.

I’m excited to almost be done this though. It just took two residencies and a Canada Council for the Arts grant. I’m pretty stoked that it managed to become a thing. I’m also excited to get this final report in and then start writing a new game design doc for the next game I want to make. So far it’s been living in my notes on my iPad.

I never really considered I would ever be a game developer. It’s kind of a fascinating thing to do though, I don’t know. I like solving problems. And making it do what I want.


I was writing this and just never finished for a couple days. I am now writing this on Saturday. I am still puzzling out my problems.

It was Trans Day of Visibility yesterday so that was ok. I was visible. I’m not sure how to not be visible. I got a certain specific type of fame before I transitioned, so now I’m just dealing with that and my career and trying to decide if I want to go the whole way and become formally known as Theo Jean Cuthand instead of just TJ Cuthand. I’m starting to be more comfortable with Theo, so I think I might actually start going by it. It’s weird debuting a name. Because I really didn’t want to go change it everywhere. And I probably will keep some tjcuthand urls and handles. But I do like being a Theo and it would just make things easier if it was more universal that my name is Theo. I want to do a name and gender change on my ID this year, but so far I’m trying to schedule it around international travel, because I will have to get a new passport and everything. And I just travel a lot. I’m also trying to figure out when I will have time to do my top surgery. Right now it’s going to be in early December or late November I think. I might be in post around that time, but it will give me a chance to not have to carry things around. I can do that remotely. I wish I could get it sooner but I don’t think I can. It’s getting weird around here, Canadians are trying to import transphobia (or like rehydrate their own I guess) and it’s so tiresome. We are not remotely all Christians up here. We don’t have to listen to some fringe groups little book that probably doesn’t even have things about trans people in it. It’s so tiresome and unimaginative. Fascists are so fucking boring, and they want such a flavourless oatmeal world. So boring! I can’t imagine making up that many problems.

Anyway, it would be nice to get my name and gender and surgery before they start getting pissy about trans health care up here. They’re already starting to go after schools, which is so shitty. Going after children is despicable, and exactly what the settlers did to Indigenous kids. It’s part of genocides. And I know I’m already a survivor of one genocide, but having yet another potential genocide piled on is not on my list of things to experience. I’m a scrapper though, and my family were fighters for a long time. So I think I’ll be ok. Also honestly it’s mostly a loud ugly minority of haters, who can’t even use their real names online. And when I think of the people who do know me, they generally find me likeable. So yeah.

Last night I went to the gym and worked out for an hour and a half. It was a half hour of cardio followed by an hour on weight machines. I think I did a good job even though my abs hurt when I left the gym. I did the captains chair and the hyper extension bench near the end of my workout, so my abs were super worked out and I haven’t worked on them much before. It’s nice! I am seeing my body change which is exciting. I can feel a ridge of muscle under my chest tissue on both sides so I think I AM getting bigger pecs, but of course they are covered with mammary glands right now so I can’t see them. I’m going to be so curious to see what I look like after top surgery. It’s such a funny hobby to get into, to start working out.

I know I’m still not feeding myself properly though because my muscles aren’t getting the heft I want them to. I need to up my protein and carbs. But also I dunno I mean how long does it take to build muscle?

Anyway. Love life right now is cute. I’m just dating various people and having fun getting to know them. And having sex again! I’ve met people generally respectful of my gender, and the kissing has been super fun. Also have a sweet crush on someone so that’s nice. And I guess I have a crush on my therapist but that’s transference and not going anywhere anytime anyway. But it does make things extra fun I think.

Maybe I just like having crushes, I don’t know. I like liking people. And most of the time it doesn’t go anywhere but it’s still fun. Oh except for those times it sucks I guess ha ha. It’s interesting finally dating multiple people who are into me. I’m not really used to that so sometimes they are being sweet and I’m like “Weird.” Ha ha aww. The last time I felt Big Time Feelings, the person I was dating wasn’t very flirtatious with me, so I guess that’s what I got used to. But I like being flirted with.

One thought on “Indie Game Making Feelings, Gender Feelings

  1. A few responses:

    The online world is not an accurate view of the real world.

    “Flavourless Oatmeal World” should be an album title of some cool band.

    Having crushes just means that you’re alive.

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