I called the surgeon’s office today to see if I was up for being called for a consultation date, and they said I was the next person they were gonna call so they scheduled it with me for July! I could have gotten late June but I’m away that week. July it is! I’m so excited, they emailed me some registration forms that I got all eager beaver and filled out already. I feel pretty happy about it! I don’t know how soon after that that I can get the actual surgery. And hopefully I know if we are shooting this film this fall or not, so I can schedule accordingly. I know based on some issues we might not be funded for this film this year (the script is ready, just one other financial thing needs to be figured out by a certain time), so my reward for not being funded was to get my top surgery earlier. Otherwise I might have to schedule for November or December. I should know by July though, in time for when we schedule it.
I’m so excited! I got a wedge pillow and a set of dog stairs heading my way. Posey always wants me to pick her up when it’s bedtime, but she needs to do it on her own while I am healing. She jumps on and off the bed all night also, so I need her to be able to go up and down whenever she wants. I recorded myself sleeping this one time and apparently I pick my dogs up all the time all night and don’t even actually wake up for it, or I don’t remember doing it anyway. So I have to train her AND ME not to pick her up while I’m sleeping.
I’m excited to see what I look like with a more masculine body. I mean logically I know a body with breasts can be masculine, but also I just want to see my pecs. I can feel a ridge of muscle under both my breasts so I know SOMETHING is going on there. But it’s not impressive to me as long as it’s being obscured with breast tissue.
ALSO I want to go to the gay bathhouse, BUT ALSO I don’t feel comfortable going there before I get top surgery. And also I think top surgery will make me feel more comfortable in the men’s locker room. I’d probably not take off my underwear anyway, but not having to wear a binder or bra would make me feel like I fit in more. I know I could try these spaces now, but also I just want people to see me for who I am more easily.
I won’t be able to get sunlight on my scars for the first year, but hopefully there will be a summer when I can take my shirt off more. I always really did want to be able to walk around shirtless and not be sexualized as much as people sexualize people with breasts.
I was looking at facebook memories the other day, and found some from when my Grandpa was dying. He was having an alert day and happy to see so many of us visiting him. And he was counting us and shaking hands and then he pointed me out and told everyone I was a good man. And at the time I’m sure I just thought it was him being silly. But reading that now I was like OH MY GOD! My Grandpa knew I was a man! I don’t know if he always knew, or if he was seeing me clearly because he was dying. But he recognized me as a good man. I’m really happy that I read that memory. Part of my sadness around transitioning later was that my Grandparents never got to see me grow into the man I am. But Grandpa saw it.
I visited my Mom this past weekend while she was nearby briefly. It went well, I feel like therapy has helped us a lot. Not “perfect” but I don’t think many interpersonal relationships are perfect. It works though. She wants to help me when I get top surgery, which is good because I don’t have a partner to help me and my friends here are busy people unfortunately. But yeah, I think it would be good for someone to be around the first week at least.
I am balding and I can’t deny it anymore! I still don’t want to do the things to stop balding though. I’m trying to figure out how to lean into it and be a sexy bald guy. It’s not doing that receding hairline thing tho, it’s really thinning at the crown. I wish I had the receding hairline instead but I can’t choose how I’m going to go bald. My dad’s hair is thinner, and my Grandpa had VERY thin hair when he was old. But neither of them have gone the whole way and shaved their heads. And I think I AM going to shave my head. I tried it earlier this year and wasn’t happy with it. But maybe I just need to get used to it. And wear more hats. I finally dug up my Cock hat that I got in New Orleans last year, so that will help ha ha. I actually have a ton of hats, I just need to dig them out and start putting them in a rotation. I mean I can also walk out with a bald head tho I am sure it will be fine. AHHHH baldness. It’s such a funny thing, I mean you either lean into it or try to prevent it it seems. I know there are sexy bald guys. AND ALSO in a weird way it is kind of gender affirming. I know baldness isn’t really a gendered thing though, lots of people go bald. But bald men are more expected so hopefully it just helps people gender me the way I want.
I have gone up to 70mg of testosterone today, after checking with my nurse about levels. I could have stayed at 60 but we are just seeing if this helps me get more effects that I want.
I did something sort of silly and got shaving cream and a razor while on vacation and started shaving my face. I did it a few times but now I kinda miss all the peach fuzz I had. I know it will probably come back, and also that none of it was terminal hairs anyway. But it at least had given me a bit of a fuzzy cheek feel. I did really like the act of shaving my face though. That was pretty euphoric. So funny, to want a furry face but also enjoy shaving it.
I’m in a good mood today. My vacation was amazing and I had so much fun. I don’t know if I will write about it here, you can see more on my Instagram if you want to know what I did (@cabbagetownstomper). I’m really happy that I’m in a place where I can have casual sex more easily also. Dating only women in the past was such a barrier omg! There’s just a limited number of queer women. And sex with guys didn’t make sense until I was also a guy. I had a number of crushes on Queer men though through my adult life but yeah obviously I was more puzzled than anything about that. UNTIL NOW!
Therapy today was also good. I talked about transference stuff last week, so this week was nice because I was talking about desire for all these other people. ALSO I only mentioned my ex once in passing and the conversation wasn’t focused on them so that was a really good sign. I feel like I am SO CLOSE to being truly emotionally available again. I’m really not in love with anyone available right now. Which is always kind of a weird feeling for me. But also exciting because that means I could fall for anyone right now. Maybe they would be more compatible, whoever they are. Or maybe I can be more firm about what I want in a partner versus someone who is more of a casual lover. Maybe there’s not that same pressure on it now that I am almost a year on testosterone.
July 25th is my 1 year on T!!! Still a ways away, but it’s nice to be noticing the changes over the last year.