It’s been two weeks since top surgery! I have fluid in my left pec that might get reabsorbed or might have to be drained, I’m not sure. I am just keeping it all as healthy as possible. The irony is that the pec with the fluid in it looks so pink and healthy and normal compared to the other pec which is a bit bruisey still.

My nipple grafts are doing awesome though. More of the top layer has sloughed off and there seems to be healthy pink tissue underneath. So they took which is great. I have another week for them to do healing and then they are done the most intense parts. I mean I guess it’s like 6 months for them to fully heal, but at 21 days I will be closer to not needing to put Aquaphor on them anymore. I’m not gonna make any changes with my routine until I see the nurse again on the 15th for the four week follow up.

I’m hoping at the four week follow up I get the ok to stop using the binder, because it is chafing my skin. But I might also have to keep wearing it a bit longer because of the fluid build up in my pec. Ahh healing bodies!!!

I really want to be able to sleep on my side again. I’ve been trying to trick my body into thinking it’s sleeping on my side by sleeping more on one side of my ass and bringing a knee up to the side. But still with my chest up and my back on the wedge pillow. It seems to help. But damn, sleeping in a fetal position would be so nice. I’m really just relieved though that the wedge pillow and neck pillow have kept me from having nightmares, which is what I used to get sleeping on my back. I guess the angle helps. At the end of September I should be freed to sleep normally again. Or normal for me anyway.

I was thinking the other day about my auditory hallucination the last time I went manic in 2007. I heard this male voice say “the story goes that in the end you’ll be normal.” And I thought it was such a strange thing to say. Because I’m not really caring about what people consider normal, so I thought it was a funny thing for a ghost or a hallucination or whatever to say. But the further I go in my transition, the more “normal” I feel. Or like, my kind of normal. Normal is a terrible judgey word ha ha. I think I feel like I am embodying more of the person I really am though, so in a way normal is where I am headed.

Also unless I get meta years into the future, this is probably as far as my transition will go surgically. I’m not really interested in phalloplasty at this point in time. I guess I feel like my t dick is good enough as it is now. Like it gives me pleasure anyway and when I want to give my partners pleasure with something larger I have about 12 dildos I can use. So I don’t feel disadvantaged (although cishet women don’t seem to give me the time of day on Tinder so clearly they aren’t down for it, or at least I haven’t found one who is yet). And I like having sex with queer men and women and the ones I have been with are pretty fun and into queer sex so it works for us. I suppose I could get a stand-to-pee dildo if I wanted to pee standing up but that really only bothers me when the one stall in the men’s room has a guy having a long shit in it. BUT also my needs might change as I get further into my transition, so I don’t want to rule out anything.

My nipples don’t hurt when I touch them, but they do still have this weird nerve sensation that feels like my chest when I was healing from a tattoo. It kind of makes sense because the healing process is similar, with the sloughing of the top layer of scabs. I’m really just wanting the sensation to be normal again. I know people often have nerve sensations come up now and then after top surgery though for years. Like, those nerves are trying to come back to life and figure out where to go again, so it makes sense. And there’s a long numb part of my chest now, which is a little strange to touch. But overall it’s been a good experience.

I’m still taking a break from dating. Just until my chest is all healed up at the end of this month. I’m not too worried about it although I got all depressed last night for some reason. I think because I went on Grindr and couldn’t meet up with anyone and then felt sad about all the broken hearts I have had ha ha. Aw. BUT I am going to London UK next month and hopefully I can flirt with some people at the BFI London Film Festival. I am showing The Lost Art of the Future there. It’s my first video I made since my transition, and still has my boobs in it ha ha. There’s some straight guys who go on Grindr to find trans guys and I dunno, I don’t know if they are closet cases or just obnoxious straight guys. Either way I’m now balding and have a flat masculine chest so hopefully that helps them to fuck off. I feel like some cis gay men are more curious about me, which feels nice. That is very gender affirming. A couple of my other friends who went from dating queer women to dating queer men have talked to me about the dyke to fag pipeline and I just love that. I still feel bisexual though, I love women I am just not one.

Anyway! I can do some work again, which is good. Not physical work, like I can’t do a film shoot right now. But I can have zoom meetings and give talks and work on my laptop. So if you need me for a talk or something and have money for me please hire me! If you have money for me but no work please donate!

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