Trying to Move On

I’m sure anyone who has been reading my blog for long enough knows there’s an ex I’m kind of stuck on and it deeply frustrates me because they don’t want to talk to me at all. Also they live almost 4200km away from me and also they seem to have entirely wiped me from their memory. And also I might have criticized their other partner who I wasn’t impressed by. Generally I try to stay out of saying things about my lovers/friends other lovers/partners but in this case I don’t know, I guess I felt like I needed to say something although it was not received well. It went really badly in fact which is why they don’t talk to me anymore. And like, given the chance I guess I would try to shut up about it if we spoke again. BUT ALSO I didn’t like the way this ex was being treated by their partner and I guess it was killing me not to say anything. Especially when I would have treated them so differently.

BUT ANYWAY I’m really doing all the things to try to move on. I unfriended them on Facebook because seeing them show up on my friends list in the chat window when they wouldn’t talk to me at all was AGONIZING and I just dreaded every time I logged on. And also because I would get the little green dot when they were online and they were online a lot and that was also brutal. It just became similar to walking past someone’s house and seeing their light on so you know they are still alive. But also feeling like a stalker because why was I looking for the green dot? And that sucked because then I would look for the green dot but also still not be able to talk to them because I was forbidden. In retrospect I don’t know why they didn’t unfriend me first since they refused to talk to me for months and months before I finally gave up and unfriended them. Even though it broke my heart and I cried and cried even tho by then I was already on T which makes crying hard. I guess I can still cry when it counts.

I don’t know why I’m writing this on my blog. Maybe in case they read this and want to know why I unfriended them. Because it wasn’t like I ever hated them or anything, it was just to try and get over them. And it didn’t work in the end, although at least I am not dreading looking at my Facebook anymore. So I don’t really regret unfriending them for that reason. I am sad that they responded by blocking me though. I didn’t know that for months though because I avoided looking them up for a long time. And then I found out I was blocked and that was like another knife in my heart.

I mean really also the main problem is that I was in love with them and they had no feelings for me. My therapist says she doesn’t think feelings are creepy. But I have a nemesis who DOES think feelings are creepy and was trying to spread some rumour that I was an abuser and a stalker, so maybe that also motivated me to unfriend my ex. This sounds so much messier than it really is.

When I was at the Flaherty Seminar a professor from a university in my ex’s city was talking about wanting to bring me out there to do a screening and talk and I was just like oh man. I’m sure that would go over so well. I mostly just travel to where I am wanted, but being wanted by the university in a city where I am unwanted by my ex seems pretty dodgy. I don’t know if I could handle that. Also I am doing a name change this winter though so I will be unable to travel until it’s complete and I have my new passport.

I really wish I could say I totally let go and moved on and don’t think of them anymore. That’s a happier end to the story. But the real ending is just that I still miss them every day and wish they would talk to me again. And I think at this point that I just really fell in love with them for real and I have to live with that now. I don’t think they treated me very well though. And even if they did suddenly have feelings we would have to work through a lot to get to some kind of relationship. I would put in the work, but considering they haven’t spoken to me in months and months it seems dubious that they would ever want to put in the work.

So I’m kind of in this shitty feeling about love. It just seems very useless to me right now, I don’t know if I will ever fall in love again, or if I do if I would finally fall in love with someone who feels the same way about me. I was all having an interesting time with casual Grindr sex, but it’s also a poor substitute for genuine emotions. I am in therapy for all of this (and I had a pattern of having unrequited love that I was working on in therapy before I even met my ex) and in some ways we are progressing and in other ways it’s just like I’m stuck. I’m stuck! I don’t know how to get unstuck. I was doing an unknotting spell to try and get over them, and I have never done a spell about them before but this was like, my last ditch effort to try and move on. And it’s almost done, I just have to bury it in the garden. But fuck I don’t know if anything is ever gonna work. And I feel like a loser for still having feelings for someone who probably doesn’t even think about me anymore.

Could I contact them? Yes, I know a few ways I could. Like I never deleted their phone number (I did put a broken heart in their name in my phone tho). BUT they told me not to so I won’t. I did send a message when I unfriended them, but they didn’t even bother to read it. And it’s not like it was a mean message at all, but they will never know what it says because they will never read it and honestly they are the most stubborn person I have ever met so I don’t see that changing. I don’t know anything about their life right now, and that’s fine I guess. If I had stayed friends with them I could have kept trying to piece together what was up with them based on their sporadic vague Facebook posts, but that’s gone now and I guess it’s for the best. Really I just need to keep going with my life and see what happens to me. Because I could meet someone I fall even deeper in love with. I mean right now it seems doubtful, but I don’t know the future.

I do know that it’s probably a really bad idea to have a relationship with someone who can cut me off like this and not talk to me. Like how would we have ever solved relationship conflict? I mean we can’t even solve this and they aren’t open to me at all. I felt like we could have been really compatible, but I guess I was wrong considering how this all unfolded. I know sometimes people get over exes by nurturing hate for them. But when I think of them I just think of such soft sweetness they were capable of and I can’t honestly hate them.

When I think about the last time we spoke on zoom I feel like a dick. I was so anxious because I wanted to talk to them about what was going on and I kind of interrupted them and I feel like they didn’t realize how much I respected them and wanted to hear their thoughts. I feel regret for not being open enough with them that they could have seen my messy gooey emotional insides and realized how compatible we were. Because they were really open in a beautiful way that I was having trouble with on my end. I regret the things I held back that could have helped them see who I really was. And mostly I regret that I didn’t get to say I love you out loud, only in a message and only when it was way too late. Only when they were already out the door. And really I feel so cheap because after all that they never loved me and even told me as much. And I can’t change anything anymore about what happened. And I can’t work on it with them at all because that door is closed. It’s the most futile feeling and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’ve tried everything to fix it and it’s just pointless. I can’t make them talk to me again and I definitely can’t make them love me. Like that sad Bonnie Raitt song!

Anyway this is really just a long overshare sad blog entry and maybe if my ex ever googles me they will find it. I miss you and I wish you would come back and I know you won’t.

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