Crying too much

Alice in a bottle in a sea of tears saying "I d wish I hadn't cried so much"

Yesterday was a fucking HARD DAY omg. I don’t know why it was so hard on so many fronts. Besides writing that sad broken heart overshare, I also had some conflict and then got upset with how few people are signing up to come help me in the next few weeks. I mean people ARE helping me and have helped me, but also I was looking at the calendar and there were lots of times no one was gonna come help me walk Posey or do laundry or drive me to my appointment. The laundry and the ride is figured out now but I felt pretty distressed and shitty and then I felt ungrateful for asking for more help. And there were definitely times no one signed up this week for walks, some people did tho but there’s still days that totally got skipped when Posey and I were stuck at home. I can’t walk her by myself because she gets excited and pulls and she’s a strong dog and I can’t really handle that after top surgery yet. I do follow my friends when we go for a walk because she doesn’t want to go without me, but someone has to hold the leash. Anyway I think things just overloaded me and I felt really distressed and cried a bunch. And now I just have that weird shitty feeling the day after big emotions where I feel guilty for feeling shitty.

And I guess obviously I also feel bad for still being broken hearted when this person has completely removed themselves from my life. Like why haven’t I been able to just get over it? It’s no use beating myself up about it but yeah, I feel shitty about my feelings over all.

And I think some of it is just being bipolar makes me feel shitty about my emotions and feelings because I’ve been taught that having big emotions is a terrible thing and we are all supposed to be good little capitalist automatons who don’t cry or bitch or whine and if someone is mean to us we just smile like it doesn’t matter. And I’m sorry but I cannot. I cannot!

At the same time I feel guilty for having any kind of feelings that aren’t “positive.” And I guess also healing from a major surgery is hard and can be isolating and it’s just hard to keep up being happy and friendly and everything when I’m in survival mode.

Today I had an edible and yesterday I was not on any thc so I’m hoping it helps me feel a bit better. But also I just feel guilty like Alice and like damn I wish I hadn’t cried so much.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *