It’s late evening in London UK and I am sooooo tired but at least I am making plans to see friends while I am here which is good. Mom and I saw some really good films, two standouts were Sky Peals and All Roads Taste of Salt. They were both slow savoury kind of films that made me think a lot in different ways. Sky Peals seemed to be about a man trying to understand his fathers and his own neurodivergence. And All Roads Taste of Salt was very tactile and rich and a really interesting way to tell a story of a woman’s life.
Anyway, tomorrow we are going to the Book of Mormon which is kind of funny because my Mom has Mormon related trauma but wanted to see it. So that’s what we are gonna see!
We’ve eaten tons of things and I try to take pictures of the exciting ones, although I did take a pic on the first day of a substandard English Breakfast with a sausage that tasted like it was made with sawdust. Who knows, maybe it was! The English breakfast yesterday was amazing tho.
I’m also thinking about things like my life and shit like that. I think maybe what is tripping me up about getting over my ex is that I really wanted that relationship to MEAN something. It wasn’t a real relationship tho, it was a situationship. Which generally don’t mean much. BUT now I am seeing it did mean something, just not what I was expecting. It somehow was a catalyst for my transition. BUT the funny thing is even though it was, I don’t think I transitioned to try and win them back. Like I just wanted to finally be myself. It sucks to be rejected, but even worse is to be rejected when you aren’t even being yourself fully. Maybe I can console myself that the next person who comes along will reject me for who I really am instead of for who I am pretending to be.
I don’t think I was a very good lesbian. I mean, I didn’t even really date lesbians anyway, I was always dating bisexuals because deep down I knew I was a dude.
I feel fundamentally changed by that situationship though. It did something to me. I don’t know if it was good or bad. It felt bad when I was in it, on some level I knew they didn’t love me and then they even told me that straight up at the end. I felt like a wilting flower in that relationship, like my shine was getting duller and duller the longer it went on. It was like never being seen for who I am, I even told them they couldn’t see me for who I am. It was so frustrating and sad and made my self-esteem go in the shitter. I feel like as much as it hurt, them dumping me for good was probably the best outcome ultimately. Afterwards I could finally be myself and fall in love with myself again and do all the things I wanted to do and be ambitious again.
Like really I did all the things they say you should do after a breakup. I went to the gym and started working out. I made major physical changes because I transitioned. I know they don’t say “You should transition after a breakup” but they do say stuff about improving your appearance and I did improve for myself in more masculinizing ways with testosterone and top surgery. I didn’t really change my wardrobe, but I have started wearing tighter shirts now that I don’t have chest dysphoria. I even embraced my bisexuality which I was always trying to stamp down before because my attraction to men confused me when the only options were boring straight guys who didn’t care about making me cum. Suddenly I was having sex with queer guys who liked having queer sex where cumming is more equal. That was really nice. I think I got more confidence also. I also worked REALLY hard in therapy on things I’d been having issues with and some of it is making demonstrable changes in my life. Like my boundaries are a lot better. I’m more protective of myself now. And my self esteem is not in the shitter anymore. And my career is in a really good place right now. I made an entire video game. I’ve continued with other projects. And I guess I learned to love myself more so I don’t need to find outside validation.
Can something shitty make life better sometimes? That seems like a weird path to go on. No one says they want to fall in love with someone who won’t love them so it will make them a better person. But is that what happened? I don’t know. Maybe I could have gotten better in a different way. Maybe with the therapist I was already working with I would have gotten there anyway.
BUT I do remember why this bad ending turned into a catalyst for my transition, and it wasn’t entirely to do with that person. It was a long distance thing and I’d cancelled an overseas flight somewhere else and Air Canada was trying to do something so they gave me extra aeroplan points in exchange for not giving me my money back. And I took them because I was like ok, this is enough for three round trips to the area my person I loved lived. And then it all went to shit so ok, those flights are not getting used to visit this person anymore. So I took a FUCK YOU trip to New Orleans to use one of my round trips. And at the time I knew something was up with my gender so I was trying to get people to rotate using she/they/he for my pronouns. But people were REALLY resistant to using he/him for me, except for this new friend I made in New Orleans who was using he/him for me all the time and I realized those were my pronouns. And then it kind of all snowballed from there.
So yes, changing pronouns is like, a foundational thing that can lead to good things. Because as disruptive as transition can be, ultimately being yourself is a good thing.
Anyway, I don’t want this to sound like my situationship ex was a terrible person. I’m just not made up of things they find lovable. But that doesn’t mean no one will find the things I am made of to be lovable.
Buenos Aires is coming up later this month. It’s getting confusing!!! So many trips. I’m excited tho, it’s going to be super fun. I’m working on my Spanish with Duolingo still. I can say “Una hamburguesa de pescado, por favor!” Although I don’t want a fish burger, but pescado sounds so pretty. I’ll have to think of another food item that sounds pretty in Spanish. El pescado es bonito! There now it just is pretty but I don’t have to eat it. I’m in the Emerald League right now. Maybe after I learn enough Spanish I’ll go back to one of the other languages I ditched. I was pretty advanced in German. It would be nice to finish one entire Duolingo course instead of a few units. Una hamburguesa con queso por favor is probably more my speed really.