The prairie is something profound

It’s day 3 after my Bilateral Salpingectomy on Friday. I can’t work out, or have sex, or do a lot of things like have a bath. So I’m just hanging out with the dogs. It’s a very slow boring weekend. I drew my dick again but I think I need to go over it with a couple different colours because it’s more flesh toned than the other drawing overall, and I liked the fuchsia that was in the first dick drawing. I’m still not sure what to do with them. Right now they are just experiments.

I’ve avoided taking the opioids I was prescribed for pain, and instead have done the extra strength Tylenol and this extremely potent edible that I’ve been chewing pieces off of for two years. Lol maybe not that long. But I’m finally down to the last bits of it and I think I might look for some more stronger edibles for the future. It’s been nice just being high and resting all weekend though. I did get my work done in time for my surgery, and I have more work this week but I should be fine when I do it because I just will be on Tylenol and not the edibles. So I’m looking forward to that. I’m also getting ready to go back into writer’s mode, which will be a nice change for a while. I know I just gotta burn through it and write write write.

I’ve not been making my protein target the last few days, which sucks. But I am coming out of poverty soon and then I’ll be able to concentrate on getting enough protein again so I can build muscle. So that will be nice. Again my left pec is perkier than the right one, and I realized I use my left arm for getting coffee etc because my shelf is on that side of where I sit. So I’m thinking that might be a reason that side is slightly more developed. So weird, I mean it’s not only the coffee though because I drink all kinds of things throughout the day that I use that arm for.

I’m going away soon!!! I think I’ll be ready to travel, I’m going to take a smaller suitcase because it’s only a few days. So it will be lighter than my big grey one. And has wheels so it won’t be like I’m lifting it the whole time. It’s exciting, I’m glad I can cross the border again. I can go anywhere!

I’m drawing Todd, he’s looking cute. I’ve been doing it in Procreate the same way I did the dick pics. I’m just doing the background now. It’s a very involved drawing! I don’t know what I am doing with these drawings, but its nice to create something. Like doing colouring books really, since I’m working off a photo.

I’m currently dealing with an impetigo infection, and I think I got it from my romps with dudes around my birthday. It’s on my face, it’s being treated and will go away. Just annoying. I’m just glad I didn’t get that antibiotic resistant strain of gonorrhea. It would totally suck. My wordpress says I didn’t spell gonorrhea correctly. I should ask my Mom, she beaded a gonorrhea. Anyway yay infections!

I feel like I’m constantly dealing with body stuff these days. I guess that’s what it means to have a corporeal body though. Upkeep. I should just enjoy this time though because while I’m in a body I can have sex and food and cuddling which makes the occasional impetigo infection worth it.

I’m supposed to go to a play party in a couple of weeks, but I’m not sure what I’m cleared for in terms of kink activities. I can’t have a bath for six weeks. And I never really do anything with my abdomen in kink anyway since it’s not a safe spot for the stuff I do, and that’s where the incisions are. BUT like is impact play on my ass ok? I’ll be able to fuck by then I think, but I should check. I asked about when I can work out again and they said to wait to talk to my doctor. But I don’t see my doctor until end of June but I have to change that to beginning of July. It was such a really minor surgery. Like, fallopian tubes are just not that big. And I feel more or less ok, but when the dogs bounce on my incisions by accident it hurts. But that’s it. Sometimes if I bend over the wrong way I can feel my incision pull. But I try not to do that.

However it really is such a relief to be dealing with this recovery instead of top surgery recovery. Top surgery recovery was so gruelling. And this is like, so little. Like yeah I’m not tippy top but I’m doing ok. I’m still mainly staying home for the next week but then I go and do work in the USA and I’m fairly certain it should be fine.

Poverty month is almost done!!! Just ten more days! And I’m going to the USA for part of it so it will at least be a different change of scenery. I’m so looking forward to June, both Pride Month and Indigenous Month. Or do we still call it Aboriginal Month here? I don’t remember, we moved on from Aboriginal a long time ago. It’s been Indigenous for a while, but with all this Identity fraud I do try to specify my tribe and First Nation so that people know where my community is.

I’m nêhiyaw from Little Pine First Nation in Saskatchewan. Four generations of my family are buried in that graveyard, at least. And I don’t know where the older generations are because we were nomadic, but we marked our families graves with a black stone, and we still do. I only speak a little nêhiyawewin, because I think day school influenced my Grandfather Stan Cuthand to not teach his children enough for them to be fluent. But there’s bits I know. Little Pine is not where our tribe wanted to settle, we wanted to settle in the Cyprus Hills where we’d camped so many times. But the Canadian and American governments didn’t like the idea of us being so close to the border because we kept crossing it. So they moved us way up north.

I always liked the nêhiyawewin name for the USA and Americans means Land of the Long Knives, and People of the Long Knives, because they had bayonettes (I do not remember the words tho!). Also we still call white people moniyaws because when we met the fur traders we asked where they were from and they said Montreal, so we called them what we heard for Montreal.

Anyway that was your nêhiyaw lesson for the day ha ha.

Today in therapy I was telling my therapist how much I appreciated that men aren’t shy about calling me hot. Women don’t really give that kind of feedback. If they think you’re cute it’s just way more subtle in a way I feel too awkward to pick up on. But guys on Grindr are way more upfront about telling me I’m attractive and it’s so validating. I don’t know, I wish I had transitioned and reconfigured my sexual orientation a lot earlier in life. I feel like my self esteem would be in a different place earlier. I think there’s different types of self esteem though. Like my self esteem around my career is quite high. But like, sexual self esteem is still growing and changing. I think there’s a lot going on with that. Also though I finally had energy to work out, and that’s changed the way people approach me in good and bad ways I guess. I just know I get more attention as a somewhat more muscular man than as a chubby woman. And that’s a WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF going on with things like misogyny and fatphobia etc. So it’s complicated.

I’m fairly happy with my life choices lately though. I feel like this surgery is the last one I need for a while. I might get a hysterectomy in the future, depending on this fibroid which is already quite large. But I know that is harder to recover from so I’m trying to put it off. Maybe in a couple of years. BUT ALSO this makes me safer if I am traveling in the USA and in a state where abortions are banned, because before this surgery I could get an ectopic pregnancy and those are emergencies that need salpingectomy but also were in that grey area of not knowing if it was legal to do because it would be an abortion. Fucked up world we live in. BUT ANYWAY that’s not a potential timeline I could go down anymore, because the tubes have vacated the premises.

I’m getting access to the garden downstairs! So I can start my old man gardening era finally. Spend weekend afternoons weeding and planting. It’s gonna be fun! I love garden lifestyles. Being close to the earth is important.

I miss Saskatchewan sometimes so bad. I can’t move back for multiple reasons, but there’s this memory I have when I was a little boy that is so clear. It was after a sweat at my Uncle’s acreage, and he had this patch of prairie that was still natural land and I remember laying in the dirt, with the little grasses all over. And I was looking at the sun setting across this big blue and pink and orange sky. And the sunlight was orange. And I felt this profound sensation in me, I think it was my blood memory knowing I belonged to that land. I get kind of offended when people act like the prairie is nothing. It’s something profound!

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