I’m feeling pretty good today.  I had to put off my telephone meeting with my Grad Advisor until this past Wednesday, a couple days after Grandma’s funeral.  I had some anxiety around it.  I’ve been having a little bit of Imposter’s Syndrome in regards to school, which is basically when you think the dummy police are going to burst in at any second and declare you totally incompetent at Grad School.  But I didn’t have to worry so much, my Grad Advisor liked my project and gave some really good suggestions for how to take it further.  It was really good to hear.  And he said I might be eligible for an award, so that’s something to hope for.  I also got a grade from one of my last projects in one class and it was an A+ so I hope that keeps my average up.  There is one class I was struggling in but it’s actually in two parts and in this one part I am doing really well.  So we’ll see.

I’m getting more and more excited about my Major Project because the story is getting more exciting and convoluted in a good way.  And I think it might be a thesis project people would actually want to make and go see.  So THAT’S good. The theme is really pertinent to current realities in Canada for Indigenous people.

Mom was gonna come back to Toronto with me after Christmas, but I think that plan is changing and now she is gonna come during reading week.  We might go to New York for a few days too. Either way, it should be nice.

I applied to a TA position, I whipped up a new CV and a decent cover letter and the best paper I wrote for school this semester as a writing sample.  So I hope I get one of the positions. It would really help my anxieties around cash to have a job to ease me through the second semester.  And I don’t think there are TA positions during the summer semester, although really I have no idea.

I felt really excited about the future today.  Also it helped that we went to the Casino and I won $400.  I got 26 free spins on Smoke Signals!  I didn’t even know you could get free spins on Smoke Signals!

I think I’m gonna have to get rich on my talents though.  Smoke Signals, 649, and Lotto MAX are not gonna come through with my retirement fund!  The odds are totally not in my favour!  And maybe my film career is also not in my favour, based on discrimination against all my marginalized identities.  BUT you never know.  You just never know!

December 5th at 1:25am my Grandma breathed her last breath.  My Uncle Doug and Auntie Pauline were by her side, and my cousin Lorne and his family came over and walked the body out to the hearse.  We got the news right away, had a cry and went back to sleep as well as we could.  I was exhausted from spending the previous night awake with her, so I slept pretty well.

There were a lot of things we had to do and still have to do.  But because we were expecting it, a lot of planning was done beforehand.  We viewed her body in the funeral centre the same day. She looked beautiful. She didn’t have make up and she wasn’t embalmed, and she was in a pine box with a cotton shroud like she had wanted.  She was wearing her glasses and her engagement and wedding rings that she had always worn.  She was in her favorite red sweater.  They had really good lighting, so she looked like she was still a bit pink.  The family gathered and cried and told stories about her life. Grandpa was out of the hospital so he finally got to see her, and I was glad he was able to get out in time for the viewing.

Tomorrow is the wake, then the memorial on Monday at 2pm. I’ve been having highs and lows and grumpy periods and sad periods.  I feel good that she died a natural death and went to a good place and was surrounded by loved ones.  And she had a good life.  And a good husband.

I am gonna miss her a lot.  But being with her near the end and feeling the pure love we had between us as Grandma and Granddaughter, it felt really good.

I thought I didn’t have a copy of my Homelands video on this computer, but it turns out I do.  So I fixed the sound and am compressing it and tomorrow I am going to make a DVD for people to watch at the wake if they want to.  Not many people in my family actually saw it.  And it’s nice to hear and see Grandma again.

I should get to bed.  I was gonna make lemon meringue pies for the wake, but I think that was too ambitious.  And today was Kristjan’s fifth birthday, so we had a little party for him, and were busy a lot of the day.

And anyway, why not take a break?  I have been doing so much these days.  And I need a little contemplative time to think about life and Grandma and stuff.  And dammit, that’s ok!

Last night I spent awake beside Grandma, listening to all the things she had to say and moving her leg when it was going to fall out of bed and shuffing her blankets around and moistening her lips.  She didn’t pass in my presence, at this writing she is still alive.  She was getting ready to go though.  Her breathing would stop and start, she would moan and sometimes convulse and she started saying numbers.  And then names.  She said the name of Christopher, my cousin who died in 2006.  She said the name of Prince, her dog who she and Grandpa had for sixteen years.  She said Mom and she said Betty, who is her departed sister.  I was there all night and then came home and got kisses from my dogs and ate bacon eggs and toast and showered.  Changed my clothes.

My Uncle and Auntie are there now with her and Auntie said she just said Beautiful in Cree.

The light was dim last night because my Mom and other Auntie were snoozing in the two rooms.  And sometimes my Auntie would come in and use the bathroom and close the door, making the room almost black.  And then you could see flashes of light moving around the room.  It was so moving, all of it, and this feeling that there really is an afterlife and our people come back for us to bring us to the other side.

Grandpa is getting an operation right now so he couldn’t be there.  Grandma is really worried about him.  She told us over and over “Visit him a lot.”

I think she is trying to hang on so she can talk to him or see him.  I don’t know if that will happen.

But I do know that she is going to a beautiful place with her relatives and dog who have passed on.  And that is enough for me to feel ok letting her go.  She was the best Grandma I could have ever had.  All I kept thinking was how much I loved her, for all the things she has done for me and others and just for the amazing woman she is.  And I know the staff at her care home are being really good to her.  If she doesn’t see Grandpa in person I know she will see him in spirit.

And I will visit him.  As much as I can. A lot.

So I am in Saskatoon.  Grandma is still alive, but she is very sleepy and tired and her memory is all over the place.  Today she said I was going to move to Southern Alberta.  Which I haven’t ever considered! I think it’s getting harder for her to stay alive, but who knows right?

I am still trying to finish school!  I have kept up with all my assignments so far, I have written my first draft of my extended narrative tonight and hopefully that is good enough for now.  I have an essay I need to get done by Thursday so that is the next tricky thing.  I’m a little stressed out, because it’s that time of year, the end of the semester time of year.  I hope I can pass this semester even though I am so far away.

I had a dream a friend told me she was single and that she thought we should go on a date and then she kissed me.  It wasn’t a tonguey kiss though, but it was still really sweet and my dreaming head made it all very romantic.  Silly.

The dogs are here with me.  It was Posey’s first birthday today, so she got pork twists with sweet potato and then her and the pups got a special gourmet dog food made with buffalo and more sweet potatoes.

I finally got the school to confirm my enrollment, so that was Monday and they said in five business days I would get my student loan.  I hesitate to believe it.  The loans people said I might have to pay interest, which would be around 16 dollars.  And AFTER they recieved it THEN I would get my loan.  So I really don’t know when I will get my loan.  I wish they would just take the 16 dollars off of my loan because I have not much money anyway and most of it is borrowed and FOR GOD’S SAKES!  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

So will it be Friday or two and a half weeks from now?  I don’t know.

My money!  And I owe so many people money!

There are three weeks left of the semester.  And I still don’t have my student loan money.  Sigh!  I called late last week and they said to call again on Monday and find out where in the process they are with my money.  Apparently it wasn’t until last Wednesday that they sent a request for confirmation of my enrollment in University.  So slow!  Why the fuck are student loans so slow???  I HATE IT!  🙁

And then I read somewhere else that it’s 7 business days after they get electronic confirmation from my university.  I hope that’s not true.  I hope it’s a lot faster!  I counted my change and I have nine dollars.  And $2.67 in my bank account.  And I would like to pay rent, phone bill, pay people back.  Sigh.

SIGH!

Posey is being super cute today.  She was throwing around her little rawhide chewy, and she threw it on the floor and then Little Mister got it.

Little Mister was happier on our walk today because he didn’t have to walk in the rain.  He hates the rain!

I bought dog poop bags that are lavender scented and it is kind of disturbing.  I don’t think it’s natural.

I missed chatting with Robin because I was on the bus heading for St. Clair West station and then on to Kensington Market.  Too bad!  But I got to visit Louis and that was nice.

I should go to sleep I guess.  It’s 11:30.  I watched the fourth episode of American Horror Story Freak Show and got grossed out by some gory things.  I hate gore, but this is the first time I’ve sort of kept up with a television show since I left mom and her cable behind.  So I’m gonna stick with it!  And maybe watch the other seasons.

Just the other day I saw a timehop about winning money on Lotto Max.  We had won $130 bucks.  Today I thought I won ten dollars on 649, so I went and checked it and I won $80.90!  And this time I got to keep it! (Mom mostly took my winnings the time before because I owed her money).  Anyway, so far I have gotten pancakes and some more lottery tickets.

I went to the doctor’s this morning for a physical.  She was very thorough!  Everything got checked, swabbed, probed, and it climaxed with a flu shot.  She seemed kind of flustered, I have a feeling she is a new doctor.  She’s very nice anyway.

Posey and Little Mister and I went for a walk, they both spotted a squirrel running across the street and strained trying to get me to let them chase it.  But of course I couldn’t, because that’s ridiculously dangerous.  Anyway, Posey yip yipped her protesting cry!

I went to school to talk about what I am doing in my “module.”  I’m supposed to be working on Adobe After Effects.  I should do that.

Chubb Rubb was really quiet, not many people showed up.  Halloween was more exciting because we went to Church Street and they blocked off the street so everyone could walk around in their outfits.  There were some good outfits!

+++++absense of a few hours++++++

I’m back!  Was trying to work on my essay.  I found out I only have one essay due this week, so that was really nice to know.  I’ve now got three pages, but probably one page is just copies of citations.  I signed up for Jstor because I was going nuts trying to get this one article and I couldn’t access it through the Jstor Ryerson has, I could only access it through this one Jstor thing that I needed a special account for.  So now I have it.  Short article too! Whew! Freaking Jstor!

I’m tired.  I took my night meds at 9 and they are kicking in.  I have to get up early tomorrow for school, so I should sleep soon.  Posey is warming my feet under the covers.  Little Mister is snoozing too.

Someone close to me is depressed and it’s kind of rubbing off on me.  I am gonna try and see a counselor at the school.  Also my hair is a mess and I need to get it cut.  I might do that tomorrow.  Also I haven’t painted my nails in a really long time, and I think that might help me feel better, more myself anyway.  I should really just do a bunch of self care stuff.  And pace myself with all this school stuff.

ImagineNative was fun, as usual.  Got to see lots of people I knew, which is always nice.  Also I got to see a lot of work I’d never seen before.  Living here made a difference in how I experienced the festival though.  Because I have little dogs at home I had to skip some screenings to stay home with them and let them know I cared about them.  Dogs really need their people around.  So there were a couple afternoons I just spent playing with pups.

I’ve just spent several hours getting caught up with school stuff.  I have to do things tomorrow too.  And then Thursday is the last class of the week and then there are halloween parties! 😀 Louis and I are going to Chubb Rubb, him dressed as an ice cream cone and me dressed as the Ice Cream Man!

Just Dandy is screening at MIX NY on November 11th, and I am soooooo sorely tempted to run off to New York City for a few days.  But my more reasonable cautious side tells me “Noooo!  You can’t leave for a week near the end of the semester!  You have things to do and get ready for!  Next year you can go!”  But man, that throwing caution to the wind feeling is so strong!  I went to Oberhausen once at the end of semester, but I think I had put all my coursework in first.  Maybe.  I don’t remember.  But the circumstances are different this time.

I was talking with my mom about my fear of failing a certain class.  I was just all freaked out and stuff.  Cause you have to get a B- or higher to pass in Grad school, and I’m worried I’m just gonna flunk.  Because I’m bad at participation, because of general social anxiety, and I missed one 5% in-class assignment because I was sick.  Anyway, I was just generally all nervous.  And she said “No!  Don’t you think like that!  You are going to pass!”

ALSO I got quasi invited to do a month long residency next year, but it is dependent on the organization getting funds.  And I really want to do it.  I would do it when school is done, which makes me REALLY want to finish at the end of August as planned.  Actually the program people prefer the Major Project part to be done in July.  So hopefully I can turn in my script then.

I’m full of ideas these days, which is handy.  Also I am using almost every class to do work on my Major Project, which is helping a lot.  I need to write a grant in the spring and hopefully get it in August and start work for a year on another project.  Some people have five year plans, but the most I seem to be able to get is two years.  Which is still better than nothing I guess.

I have a lot to do, but also I feel like it’s all within the realm of possibility.  Like I MIGHT be able to stay afloat and finish my masters next year.  And part of me does like being in school again.  I always sort of liked school.  It pushes my brain to consider things more thoroughly.

And what else?  I am waiting for student loans money to be deposited.  The woman at Canada Post said it takes one or two weeks to go through.  So I’m not sure if she really knows or was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.  I don’t know how they process it.  I just know I need to pay rent on Saturday and right now there is two dollars in my bank account.  I think I am losing weight from not having much to eat, which isn’t really good, even if I wanted to lose weight that’s not a good way of losing it.  And it might make my body go into starvation packing on the pounds thing, which is a really awkward thing to explain.  Like “Yes, I am getting fatter because I don’t eat much and my body thinks I might die so it is holding onto every bit of fat it can.”  Bodies are weird.

BODIES ARE WEIRD!  I know that’s not a very Body-Positive message to convey, but I like things that are weird so to me it kind of is.  Also it acknowledges that all bodies are different, based on all kinds of things including whatever diseases/ailments/conditions people may have.

So I am waiting for a bunch of money to arrive.  Again.  I have a little bit, but it feels better when I am not horribly poor.  When my bank account goes under three digits I get super nervous.  Luckily I have a transit pass for the month, and I’m getting my ImagineNATIVE Pass tomorrow.  Whew!  But food things, I gotta figure that out.  I do have meat still, I just need things to eat with it. And tarts. I have two tarts left.

I felt a lot better about school today when I saw where everyone is with their projects and stuff.  And hearing what we have to do for our other classes.  It’s starting to make more sense.  I figured out how to incorporate my major project into my other classes, which we are supposed to do. So that’s good.  Six weeks are left!  Yikes!  Already halfway through the semester!  I heard the second semester is better, less readings more doings.  Which is good.

The neighbors have been hammering the wall a lot lately.  Like, during work hours.  But why? I can’t think of why they would have to do so much hammering!  It’s been going on for a few days.  And scraping.

I’m sleepy.  No class tomorrow! 😀 YAY!