I’m still in singing class! I am currently learning Goodbye Yellow Brick Road which is fun but has high notes. I am not sure I am reaching them, BUT I can get KINDA high and also the rest of it I think sounds good. He’s also doing interval training with me so that I can see how far apart the notes are. Also since I’m learning this song I have to work on my falsetto which is difficult. There was another part where my teacher said to make it sound whiny so that I can hit the note, so I did. Ha ha there’s another line where I have to sing in a way I’ve never sung before and it feels like I’m making fun of Elton John ha ha. Maybe I will get used to it.

For guitar I am learning Knocking on Heaven’s Door which is way easier than Ring of Fire. I have to do this particular chugging strumming for Ring of Fire and I fell out of practice while I was away. BUT I am still working on both. I need to learn to sing and strum so maybe Knocking on Heaven’s Door is the one I can sing. Lol it’s funny because one of my reasons to go learn guitar was to play for a lover some day and I was just thinking how funny it would be for someone to be expecting a love song and get Knocking on Heaven’s Door. BUT even though I can play other songs, this is the first song where I can play the whole thing, and I only started learning it last week.

I’m doing good with my projects. I have an interview tomorrow and another later this month. And another in December. I’m pretty excited with what I am learning. I’m also applying for work. I worked on my application today, I have to write a statement of research interests so I banged out a page today but I need to think more and revise, so I’m sitting on it for a while. I also really want to get back to writing. I need to write a script and rewrite one section of my script. It’s interesting when I think about how personal my work was in the beginning and how more community based it is now, I think that’s kind of cool.

I’m trying to figure out how to make an additional 1400 a month. I’m not exactly sure what to do. I do have work that I do in the week, I’m not a totally free agent. I have stuff to do! So I need something that can take a few days a week, maybe two or three days a week. Like not the whole week but enough. BUT ultimately yeah I think I do want an academic job. I just don’t think I’m ever going to make enough money again on my film career and I am SO TIRED of having to go cap in hand to funders every year and be turned away. Especially after putting a number of hours/days into doing the application that I could have spent doing something that actually pays me.

Also something like 50% of LGBTQ2S characters on TV got cancelled so I think trying to make queer Industry work is super challenging right now. And I never was fully embraced by the Industry. Ahhhh!

Since beginning to learn Goodbye Yellow Brick Road sometimes I just walk around my house going “AHHHH!” Trying to hit the high note which I’m sure my neighbours appreciate.

This boy’s too young to be singing the blooooooooooooooes. AHHHHHHH!

Ha ha ha.

Okay so anyway. I’m staying home this Christmas like almost always. I need to pull out my Christmas tree. I just like having the tree I’m not a Jesusy person. I don’t even really care too much about presents. Although I think if I had a partner who gave me a present I would probably love that. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s that I don’t care about something or I never get it anyway so I try not to care about something.

I’m starting to feel more emotionally available for dating. I have been hooking up with guys but very rarely romantic dates. I think I put a hard crunchy shell on my heart after it kept getting broken. But I’m starting to be able to let people in emotionally, mostly men which is cool because that’s very different than before.

Sometimes I think about my failures in lesbian dating and I think it just wasn’t working because I wanted gay man on man sex. But was not ready to face that and so tried to fit people into SOMETHING that made sense for my desires. My desires just weren’t totally clear I guess but it also makes me feel sad for waiting for so many years to start interacting with all the types of people I like. I got a couple of books on gay trans men, even though that’s not really me either because I’m pansexual. Which is a whole other thing, like I do love men but also I’ve really loved women and non binary people and honestly I don’t know who I want to spend my life with if I had to pick one. I am hoping I will fall in love and my heart will decide for me.

Anyway I’ve gotten back into reading too. I read the end of the Motorcycle Diaries, Trans and Disabled an Anthology of Identities and Experiences, Both Sides of the Fire Line, and am over halfway through The Hundred Years War on Palestine. I’m still working on Living My Life by Emma Goldman but DAMN that’s a big book and the writing is so tiny. I am going to finish though and it is good it’s just a bit unwieldy.

I’m really happy I’ve gotten into other hobbies and interests that get me off social media. Having paper books is also easier for my focus because I can’t just swipe it and get back to social media. I know social media is so dangerous and I want to limit my time on it, it’s just hard to give up, especially since it’s part of how people find me for work.

I was gone the last half of October working in Saskatchewan. I got to shadow a director on his shoot (I’m not sure if I am allowed to say who or not but if I find out it’s fine I’ll name him he was cool tho!) and it was a really great experience. I got sick on the last day though and had to stay at the hotel. But I spent four days on set and got to practice directing and got great feedback and it was an awesome learning experience. I also met an amazing DOP who we hope to work with.

Then I went back to Saskatoon and visited my friend Riki and my Mom. I didn’t have tons of free time so I didn’t see anyone else really, but it was nice to be with my Mom.

And then I went down to Regina for a location scout and a couple of meetings. I got to see the Regina Soundstage! It was super cool, really fascinating tour. And I got to see some great locations. I was totally sold on one crucial location but then on Saturday we were back in Saskatoon and found an even better location for that scene. Some amazing exteriors in Saskatoon that worked great. It was fun going from place to place seeing this film I’ve been writing come to life. Like YES this is where this thing happens! Here’s where the other thing happens! She’s sitting over there when blah blah happens. This is where the fire first shows up. It was such a cool experience. It was also exciting getting to know the Saskatchewan film crew folks and what they have going on over there.

I’ve had this deep sorrow about the difficulties of shooting a feature in Saskatchewan and why it changed after the tax credit was gone because all my stories are Saskatchewan stories. Which is funny because really I haven’t lived there in eleven years, and was in Vancouver for nine years. But I guess because my people come from Saskatchewan and that’s my territory, I feel like I have more understanding of the stories of that region. But also they are good stories and need to be told.

I think people see Saskatchewan and think wheat fields and Midwest and red neck. And there are Conservative people there. But also there’s a lot of really important stuff that comes out of Saskatchewan. Like we were the first province to have an arts council, and the birthplace of Medicare, and where Idle No More originated. So big wide reaching movements have come out of that province, and progressive ones too. I don’t know sometimes I get people saying shitty things about Saskatchewan but they don’t really know that province like I do. Plus it’s literally my homeland! My people have been there for thousands of years. And we got colonized and have this really bad system of inequality going on. Lots to think about, but I know not everyone is the same there and not everyone is racist etc.

I’m happy that it looks like I can shoot my film in Saskatchewan. I was worried it was just a pipe dream, we would have to choose Manitoba or something else that could fit it. But no! We can do it! I just have a couple of adjustments I want to make to my script.

The trans climate doc is going great, my research assistants have been doing a lot of work. I did my first interview and it was amazing, they were such a cool person and I learned a lot about how wildfires work and what they do to the land and the weather. So that’s been cool to think about and informed my feature script too. I’m interviewing more people this month, I’m hoping to interview three people.

I fell into a gopher hole on our Saskatoon location scout and hurt my knee. I am pretty sure I will be fine. The funny thing is near the beginning of the Saskatchewan trip we were in the country at night and I think I saw a wolf on my way to the honey wagon on the other side of the woods (it was too big to be a coyote). But it wasn’t the wolf that got me, it was the damn gopher! Just the little silly guys and their booby traps. It was a big gopher hole too it took my whole foot!

I’m excited to be working on projects right now. And I told the DOP about my idea about this next script I am working on and he got super excited about it and told me ways it could be done that wouldn’t cost a ton of money. So it got me excited again because I think I felt like damn this script is going to be too expensive to produce. But it’s doable! It’s going to have to be on a set but it can be done!

I looked at my WAVE account and my artist income over the last year. There’s a steep drop when Trump took power and it basically lasted until this last month when I went to Saskatchewan for work. Some months I only made like, a hundred bucks. But mostly very very low income, so much was lost while American organizations and institutions stopped working with me. It’s depressing, but also made me recognize I do need to have a JOB job, a day job. I don’t think that American income is coming back for a long time. And arts grants are deeply unreliable. Even if it is a good idea.

It’s disappointing to see it statistically match up that I lost so much income when the Trump administration took over. I don’t know, I guess I hoped Americans were braver than they are, but it seems not hiring or programming me for things was the easier option.

I know this website is unreliable, I’ve been having issues, please be patient. It is still up sometimes you just need to come back later cause I dunno, some computer elves are dicking around in the background. BUT I am here today.

I have an interview soon for a podcast, so that’s kind of cool. I’ll leave details when it’s up. I’m mainly going to be talking about what I like about being neurodivergent in a world with other neurodiverse people.

I honestly don’t understand fascism and wanting everyone to be the same. I never think “I wish EVERYONE was transgender, I wish EVERYONE was Indigenous, I wish EVERYONE was a man, I wish EVERYONE was Bipolar and ADHD.” Like, I don’t want to live in a world where everyone is the same as me. But these fascists DO want to live in a world where everyone is the same as them, and them is a small group of white angry cis men I guess and the women who love them (I guess). It’s so wild, I don’t like homogeneity. I like that my neighbours have different backgrounds and viewpoints. I like that neurodiversity has multiple ways of being. It’s just silly that there’s people who think there’s only one appropriate type of person to exist and be given support in the world.

Anyway I’m getting ready to start interviewing transgender climate migrants next week, although the term migrant is not totally applicable because some people were displaced and went back. I wrote down like, 40 questions to ask but I don’t think I will ask everyone all of them. I need to narrow it down based on each person. But there’s so much to talk about. I still am looking for trans women/trans feminine people to interview so shoot me a message if that’s you and you’ve been displaced or had to leave your home because of a climate disaster (wildfires, floods, landslides, hurricanes, etc). tjcuthand@gmail.com

I’m also trying to get money, so yeah ha ha that’s the constant battle. I’m applying for a job, and I’m applying for another grant. I have a very limited time to decide if I am applying for a composite grant again, but I might just apply for a project grant and leave the composite grants alone. I had an ambitious three year timeline for my trans climate migrant documentary trilogy. But I didn’t get funded this year and decided to pivot and just make a straightforward documentary with my money from U of T. Otherwise it’s going to be four years to get it done (basically another 6 months before getting funded IF EVER). So yeah. It’s not a three year plan anymore. Even if I put in an application for my feature, that’s not a three year project either.

I’m not going to complain about not getting my grants anymore it’s just too tiresome. I can’t help if you don’t see what I see and how urgent it is. Maybe I should have written it better, but I don’t know how to get people to care. I’m sorry I don’t! I haven’t had a long term romantic relationship either ever in my life, I have no idea! None of my love letters even were very well received, probably they’re rotting in a garbage dump somewhere. Rejection sucks and yeah I keep going. Still I persist and persevere.

Anyway yeah projects blah. No the projects are fun, they are that.

I have a lot of writing to do these days, I still need to write a script, and the job application and the grant application. I was writing my letter of application for the job and including all the things about me and I was like damn I sound fancy I hope they don’t think I’m just boasting. Job Applications go against my Cree desire to be humble ha ha. I don’t know if being humble ever helped us though, I think it just helped white people assume we were stupid or useless. A lot of current society values are deeply influenced by European values which are not everyone’s values in the rest of the world. Like, I take a while to say something because I’m thinking. But usually people just keep going and don’t wait for me, so we end up having a really unsatisfying one sided conversation. It’s too bad. At least I can write omg.

I hope my ideas don’t get stolen while I’m getting rejected from juries and shit. That is my nightmare. Sometimes I’ve seen art and it’s been like wait I think that was my idea… Ah well. It’s just I can do it better so I hate when this stuff gets stolen. Or when my literal labour gets stolen and I’m excluded from publicity about a thing and get my artist fees stolen. Yeah that sucks. The art and film world is filled with grifters.

Ha ha just being real grumpy.

Aside from that I am good. I am still working on my stuff. Still learning guitar. I’m doing super good with Strong Enough and I’ve started being able to do the chorus, at least the first two bars of it is memorized. There’s more to learn though. I need to make it sound proper! It’s slow going. I want to be able to perform something for the recital later this term. I think that’s in December. I also need to make sure I can afford singing lessons in November and December, and in December I will have to pay guitar lessons for the winter term. If anyone has some places I can apply to for help paying for my music lessons I would love that. I’m really enjoying myself, I would do it either way. But yeah I’m a poor boy from a poor family. I know my parents have Wikipedia pages but yeah we’re poor. POOR. I couldn’t even get swimming lessons growing up we were so poor.

Anyway I also have to edit a small section of my film for this grant I’m writing. I need to be able to show kind of how it is working. I don’t know which scene to edit. The end is kind of the most important. But yeah, it’s weird, cause I’m looking for cash to finish post production, so it’s not fully there yet. I should also be looking at other grants that are out there. It would be nice to have a steady income for a while, I kind of do hope that job application works out.

So I got my travel grant, which was a relief (thank you Indigenous Screen Office). But two other funding applications I had in were turned down. So one was for a tv show, but the ISO and broadcasters didn’t want it, so I am taking a break and looking for a television producer who is up for hearing my pitch so I can approach other broadcasters with an actual producer. The other project that got turned down was my trans climate migrant project, in fact Canada Council now gives you your score so I got this insultingly low score. It was a bummer. I kind of had a spiral and I admit I suspect there’s a certain amount of transphobia at work in these funding decisions. But also I do wonder how much of this is related to that bullying campaign Jas Morgan and others did on me last year. Which is a shitty thing to think. I just think the ideas I have right now are really good so it’s disappointing to not get support for them.

Anyway I am available for gigs like editing videos, script consultation, acting, directing, artist talks, writing essays and other things, etc. So if you have a gig for me let me know!

I did get funding for the trans climate migrant video with the University of Toronto’s Queer/Trans Artist In Residence position at the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity. So that project is changing to one I can finish in a year, without the music and dancing stuff. A more straightforward experimental documentary. I still have the people I am interviewing that are just waiting, so I’ve started scheduling interviews this month. I also have two research assistants, so I am reading the links they sent me about the particular climate disasters my participants were dealing with. It will become a thing but not as extensive a project as it was originally conceived. But it will still be a good and important project.

Anyway I’m basically going to be cobbling my income out of gigs and this residency and then next May I need to find some more ongoing income. But maybe my name will get out there enough that I can get more regular gigs again and make a living that way. I also still have a chance to get production funding for a big film next year so we’ll see how that goes.

Lisbon was super fun! Queer Lisboa was a great festival, they were feeding me with food from the concession downstairs and took me out for dinner one night where I had this amazing mushroom and chicken Vol-Au-Vent. A kind of chicken pot pie puff pastry. SO GOOD. I made it to Capela dos Ossos, the chapel of bones. It was incredible. I don’t even remember where I heard about that place, but it was fascinating. You can find pics on my Instagram (@piedaddytheo)

I did a couple touristy things like the beach and also a tuk tuk tour of Alfama where I was staying. I got a tuk tuk driver who knew I was Native and said “I love your people!” People did ask me where I was from and immediately got friendly when I said Toronto Canada. I’m sure it is received better because I’m not American. I’m sorry America! You have some work to do right now. But the touristy things and the film festival were great, and I was there for six days (with also a travel day either side of those) and it was pretty good, not too long. By the time I wanted to come home I was getting on the plane. There’s still some things I would like to see in Lisbon if I ever go back. My Apple Health says I was climbing 30 flights of stairs a day. That place is so hilly! I don’t think my Mom could ever go. Evora (where Capela dos Ossos is) was more flat and maybe she could do that.

OH YEAH and also my screening went well, I heard some weeping in the audience at the end which was positive for me to know it’s making an impact. I know it’s an important film but I also think it’s going to be one of those films where in 20 years it will get more play because people will recognize it’s important. Hopefully I am still alive when that happens. Also a trans woman came up to me after the screening to tell me it’s good I leaned into the trans joy, because the joy of transitioning is what gives us strength to deal with the shit we get for being trans.

It’s true, transitioning was the best thing I ever did. It opened me up to so much. And the only shitty part has been how cis people react. It’s strange that people think they should be able to have control over someone else’s life that doesn’t impact them at all. Me stuffing a packer in my pants is not oppressing some Christian or spitting in the face of God. It’s ridiculous.

I’m excited to be back in Canada though, all my favourite food is here, and I can go back to finding gigs to make a living. I am a good video editor! And script consultant. And writer (although I admit I work best with an editor because my grammar isn’t 100% up to snuff). Anyway we’ll see how it goes getting back to hustling for jobs.

I am disappointed but I’m still going to make my art no matter what people say about it or if they do or don’t screen it. There are a lot of cowards in this world right now. I made a post on Bluesky where I said the cowardice of American curators and programmers who won’t screen my transition video speaks to why that country is losing it’s democracy. If you can’t stand up for trans people, you can’t stand up for democracy. It’s disappointing to see how many cultural institutions down there just folded and went along to get along. I’m not very hopeful about that changing right now. But there are other places that do want to hear my voice, so I am pivoting to them. Unfortunately there’s not a lot of funding opportunities here right now to support my work. I’ve been turned down from Canada Council for the last two travel grants I sent in and a research creation grant AND this composite grant. And it’s just so much work to write a grant, and you don’t get paid for that work either.

Also Queer Lisboa was more pro-Palestinian and anti-genocide, which is interesting because so was EMAF and I think the connection between pro-Palestine festivals and pro-trans festivals is interesting. Sticking up for the underdogs/oppressed. I appreciate that there is a solidarity between the two movements of resisting colonization and supporting marginalized people. We’re all just trying to live here on this poor planet. I think resisting transphobia is also part of resisting colonization. The binary model of sex is a colonial concept, it’s not Indigenous at all. Forcing Indigenous trans people to detransition to make cis people happy is just another page of colonization and it should be resisted.

Anyway I think the saddest part of being turned down for funding and other screenings is that I know why trans representation is important right now. People think they don’t know trans people, but if they see us in a film they do get to know us. They can’t see us as 2 dimensional people anymore. It goes a long way to dismantling people’s transphobia. And that’s really important and necessary right now, and I’ve worked SO HARD to get my skills and accept myself and become, but I can only go so far if I don’t have financial support or screenings. It took me 44 years to accept myself for who I am, I’m not sure how many years it will take before people catch up and give me money for my stories again.

I guess thank god for U of T.

So I’m in Lisbon! Right now I am doing my laundry in a washer that is taking a really long time, also I need to put it on a clothesline which terrifies me even tho it just means leaning out a 3rd floor window (2nd floor but it’s Europe so the 1st floor is on the 2nd floor blah blah ha ha). I only brought four jeans and four shorts because I knew I would need a variety but I used all my jeans and have been wearing two outfits a day because of sweating and temperature changes.

Yesterday I went to the beach with Walter Scott which was super fun, I haven’t been to a beach all summer, not even Hanlan’s. So nice! And walking into the ocean was lovely. I’ve been seeing films and going to openings and being busy and later today is my screening! 6pm Cinema São Jorge. Come see me and other trans folks and our films and we will be having a discussion.

I went looking for a market yesterday for my breakfast needs and thought Yelp would help me, but the grocery was so out of date that when I found it I opened the door to basically a small construction site. So yeah, I ended up getting an overpriced chocolate croissant and a black drip coffee. Not great. BUT last night on the way home I spotted a market that was basically across the street and down the way a little bit. So I did finally get breakfast things today. Yogurt, cereal, milk, coffee, some cokes (I know they are evil I’m sorry I have an addiction). OH and laundry detergent which I’m going to leave behind in the flat.

I’m hoping to go to Capela dos Ossos on Saturday for a quick day trip. It’s out of town about an hour and a half. But I’m waiting until I get paid tomorrow to get bus tickets. It’s basically a chapel made out of bones from medieval cemeteries when they needed the space and had to move the remains. I’m not sure how I would feel if my bones ended up building a chapel. But I am curious to see it and I was similarly curious about the Paris Catacombs, but too terrified to go underground and get through tight spaces. But this is a larger space above ground. And I’ve heard about it for a while and yeah, I want to see it!

People here are very friendly which is nice. I’ve had nice interactions with the Queer Lisboa festival people. Most people I’ve met have been pretty cool. I’m not getting a lot of action on Grindr here though, so maybe hookups won’t happen here. I think I also feel weirder about bringing someone into the Airbnb, while in Amsterdam I brought a couple guys to my hotel room and I guess I felt braver about it because there were people around in case anything went sideways. I’m in a very populated apartment building though and there’s people all over the place. But I AM conscious of my safety so yeah, I might just go to a sauna or cruising bar on the weekend and be in a bit of a safer place to hookup. I already emailed one of the cruising bars to make sure trans men were included and he said they were.

I’m doing well. This website needs some work though, sometimes it’s very slow so I need to check in with my hosting provider. I recently updated the PHP which was very out of date, and that did remove some errors I was getting. But it’s got issues still so it needs to get tuned up a bit more.

I wrote a really pissy post about being disappointed in Americans, but it went into the void and I had trouble logging in and had to fix some errors with the hosting service so it’s gone. Maybe for the best, I’m not sure they need an anti-pep talk right now.

I’m heading to Lisbon tomorrow to show Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees at the Queer Lisboa festival. It’s screening in the Trans Shorts program at 6pm, in Cinema São Jorge. So if you happen to be in Lisbon please come see it! I will be there to have a conversation afterwards.

I’m doing ok, in a bit of a crunch money wise as I still haven’t heard about my travel grant (which always happens) so if you have some cash to donate to a poor trans artist you can paypal or etransfer me at tjcuthand@gmail.com. I have already paid for my plane ticket and lodging, but I still need money to eat and also to use transit in Lisbon. So anything helps!

I’m tired of being poor. After this trip I should know if I got my grants and if not I will be trying to get some editing jobs. But clearly I can’t work this week because I am already working by going on this work trip.

I’m also reading research my research assistants have been gathering for me on the trans climate migrant doc series. So that’s been good.

Today is not super exciting, I have to clean my apartment for my dog sitter who is staying with the pups, it isn’t very dirty though it just needs a pick up sweep and a floor wash.

My stove lost electrical power and I had no idea how to fix it and sent in a work order. But then I realized I could reset the fuse in the electrical plug which is attached to the same circuit as the stove plug ALSO and now it’s fixed. I was really sad though like ha ha oh no I can’t use the stove and I need it fixed for my sitter! But it’s fine it’s fine!

I have to do some laundry today too.

Anyway wish me luck on my travels!

I am done my final report for the Toronto Art Council on my production grant for POOR. So that’s a good feeling. This means I should be able to submit another application for post production of POOR. I’m looking forward to it! I am starting to get some people together to help me out. I’m just so glad I was able to submit this.

And the footage looks amazing! It still needs a lot of editing and colour correction and sound design etc. And music. BUT it’s like, very good! And my acting didn’t suck a lot. I mean, it’s good. I feel shy about it but also I don’t look super fake or anything, like most of my takes I seem very genuine. I’m still syncing things though and I haven’t synced the last scene yet. I’m happy about the quality of the footage and the sound. There’s definitely more than enough good stuff to make a decent film. I think I’ll get used to seeing myself on screen.

I have other things to do though. I need to get back into going to the gym and reading books. I’ve gotten back into singing and guitar though, it did take a week for me to recover from the shoot so I wasn’t very active. Yesterday I walked over 10,000 steps so I’m still getting exercise. Tonight I am going to the Polaris Music Prize Gala which will be nice. I like sitting there and hearing all the nominees. I forgot to ask someone to come with me so I am going alone.

I wrote a letter to the Prime Minister today about the genocide being perpetrated by Israel on Palestinians and I doubt it will make a difference but maybe it will push the needle towards stopping these war crimes and crimes against humanity that we are complicit in. I feel like it’s too late but I know as long as there are survivors we have to fight for them to be protected finally. The west has completely failed humanity because it’s built on a racist system where justice is only for a select few, and the rest get nothing. I think also watching the United States begin to fall apart is not helping.

I was posting a lot of memes about the USA but I realized it was fucking up my algorithm and making me angry besides, so I vowed to stop reposting them for a week. Today I’ve been getting posts about hamsters which maybe isn’t as informed, BUT ALSO definitely less anger inducing. How to stay informed while also not feeding the rage algorithm? It’s ridiculous.

I’m really disappointed with the Canadian government, but also I didn’t vote for the Liberals so I feel like “I tried!” I voted NDP, and if they had gotten in again as a legit party maybe they could have pushed Carney more left. But now he’s all proud of his austerity budget and putting money into defence even though I’m dubious that he really would take a stand against Trump. I really don’t like this because this is making life more difficult for me as someone who depends on grants for projects etc. I mean, not always. But the big projects for sure. I can make stuff with no budget but I have ambitions for things right now. And he’s cutting back on the arts because he thinks that’s a luxury even though the arts is a large Industry that employs many Canadians. ALSO cutting back on International students has fucked over a lot of Universities who were depending on International student tuitions. I am concerned about the general welfare of intellectuals and artists right now.

I do have some ideas about work I can do if I don’t get these grants. I mean, a contract gig. I think I can edit videos for people, I know how to do it and have been doing it for ages. And my computer is super fast at it. So it’s an option. I’ll probably try to make a place on here for work inquiries, I’m just waiting until I get back from Lisbon and have heard about these grants. I think I’ve had imposter syndrome for a while about film work but at the same time I’ve been doing this stuff since 1995 like, it’s not something I know nothing about.

My therapist is pretty confident I will figure out a way to make a living, so that’s encouraging. I do have this artist in residence position too, I’m not completely broke forever or anything.

I found my moldavite this week. It had been in my bedroom this whole time in a bag! Last time I had it Posey almost choked me to death by getting her paw caught in my necklace. But I shortened it this time and I think it’s ok. It’s supposed to be an alien crystal because it comes from a meteor, and it’s transformative. So I checked when I got it and it was November 2020. So much has happened since then! I transitioned for one thing. I was talking with my therapist about what I’ve done in the last five years and while the five years ago me would be disappointed that some dreams didn’t come true (like having children or making my feature film) the present day me is fairly happy with the things I have done. I finally transitioned, and my ideas are really good right now, and I got teaching experience, and got to be a slut which I always wanted, and I have more skills, just more happy with myself, making music which I didn’t think I could ever do. I think I’ve learned more about what my goals are on a soul level than what my goals were on a societal level. I feel very fortunate that I’ve been able to live the kind of uncompromising life that has let me be so creative and make so much work, at a time when the world definitely needs it.

I guess some people hate me but I don’t have them in my life so it makes no difference to me. I can’t be liked by everyone. And I’m queer, trans, Indigenous, neurodivergent, and gifted in certain capacities so of course there will be people who don’t like me. There are also people who love me and love what I do and those are the people I want to concentrate on for the rest of my life. I know we are in a time of white supremacy trying to avoid becoming irrelevant so things are pretty weird right now. And I will do what I can to protect my people, and hope they do the same for me. It’s very weird trying to be a trans artist right now because some people would prefer us not to be around so they can save their own skins. I know that’s true in the United States.

So basically, my income used to come from German speaking countries and the USA (and to a lesser degree Canada). But when the genocide started in Gaza, Germany closed ranks with Israel and made it basically impossible to hire people who spoke against it, so my income dried up from there. Then Trump took over the USA and I had to stop traveling there and then also arts orgs and festivals stopped showing my work because I’m trans (except for a few!) so that income stream has dried up. So it’s me and you Canada. And I’m not sure, I really don’t know! I have three grants submitted right now and I have no idea if I will get them. I have a plan B now for income so I’m hoping if I don’t get them I can still make some money with my EXTREMELY skilled brain. I would love to make money making my own art, but if it has to be other people’s art so be it.

If you’ve ever left a shitty comment on my blog and your smug smile disappeared when you realized I would have to approve it before anyone could see it, and it ended up never showing up on my site… you can thank TERFS for that.

A few years ago I fell for a straight woman briefly and was super confused and some gender feelings came up (because I had not transitioned yet) and some TERFS got triggered and I assume posted my website somewhere and I ended up spending a couple hours deleting comments until I realized I could change the settings so that I had to approve them first. I remember one hilarious TERF got angry at me for deleting their boring shitty takes and said they had freedom of speech so they should be able to say what they want.

Maybe on other parts of the Internet, but this is MY shitty website that follows MY rules and my rules are that no shitty comments get to live here. I don’t need your discourse here, you have lots of places to write your shitty opinions.

I am exhausted. We wrapped on Sunday evening and the stuff went back to Charles Street Video yesterday morning. I’m still trying to track down a c-stand head and I’ve misplaced my laundry fob which is where people put things they’ve found in the co-op, so I would like to find it. Anyway I emailed the co-op to get a new laundry fob. Whenever that is.

The first day of our shoot was at 401 Richmond Street West so it was really cool, we had a nice time shooting. No one bothered us. People were still using the patio outside but they didn’t have to walk through our space so it made no difference. Altogether it was the boss’ office, a call centre, the welfare office, the library, and the bar. I think it turned out well. The footage was looking amazing from what I could see. I’m so curious to see what it will look like when it’s edited together.

The next day was all the stuff at my house. It briefly rained outside but most of the day was dry so people worked in and out of my apartment. I hope it turns out well omg. I’m nervous. I feel it will be fine. I’m not going to really know until I see the footage and that is getting copied over to my drive etc. Anyway even though I live in the tiniest place it was okay, we made it work.

I had a great crew! All very nice people who worked well together and three of my good friends. I appreciated them plus the day at my house Todd had his usual dog sitter as his assistant who hung out with him. Todd also got to meet the crew and be more sociable, which was good to see because he was very into meeting people. He’s a sweetheart. Not great with dogs or cats or anything non human though. And I would not want him unsupervised with a baby. But he is kind to most people.

Anyway the crew was so great and it made things easier. I finally had a decent sleep last night. My dog Posey went to her sitter’s in Port Dover so I had to get her home and I met her sitter at Aldershot station and Posey and her crate and I came back on the GO train last night. So that was like, 2 hours and 20 min of travel time plus waiting around for trains and stuff. Anyway we are all back now, things in my home are slowly finding their places again. People had to move stuff around to shoot so I am finding things in weird places like my nail clippers in the kitchen cupboard by the plates ha ha.

I’m so tired still but today I get a massage which is something I’ve been looking forward to all weekend.

It’s just very difficult being a producer/director/actor all in one, I don’t know that I would wear that many hats again ha ha. It’s a lot. If I do that again I would just pick two of those roles, not all three, or not all three the whole time. Plus I was also doing random things like set dec and wardrobe and sort of make up (just powder to stop the shine) and ordering food etc.

The important thing is the crew and actors are paid, I owe only the dog sitter. I owe my friends my undying devotion but for sure I’m going to be open to doing good deeds for them forever. And also we all had something to eat. AND the parking situation was not such an issue on the day the festival in my neighbourhood was happening. So many of my anxieties did not come to fruition.

I’m also just relieved it’s all been filmed and that I can move into post-production. I have to record two more voice over roles (telephone conversations). I contacted a friend who is a trans film editor and if I get more funds I can hire him this winter to edit it. I’m going to try and get a good paper edit before then. I want to have it done for an important application early next year, so that I can be like “SEE I can make a film!” But I don’t know yet if it will be a good film. It might be horribly awkward ha ha I have no idea, editing myself acting isn’t always weird but this might be weird. We’re gonna find out!

Monday after I finished taking the gear back I emailed my research assistants some information for a documentary series I am working on. I have some funding for it (it’s a multi year project and this is just one year) and also research assistants because it’s part of my queer/trans artist in residence position at the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity at U of T this year. I’m excited to work with research assistants because it takes me a while to get up to speed on stuff while researching and having someone collect it for me to read is appealing. Anyway it’s very cool. I’m going to be contacting the documentary subjects to let them know the status of the project because it’s still not completely funded, BUT this is a good start and I can do interviews.

Anyway yeah so the shoot went ok. I am taking today off sort of. Hopefully. The massage is my only thing on my calendar. Grindr guys have been messaging me but I’m too tired still.

It’s less than a week to my shoot! It’s next Saturday and Sunday. I’m struggling trying to get some dog care for the Sunday, Todd has to leave the house cause he gets jerky and I don’t want him to ruin takes. Posey is going with her old sitter though, so she’s going to have a lovely vacation. They love each other so I’m glad she gets to see her.

Posey has a surgery on Tuesday to get rid of a lump by her ear. It’s just been getting bigger and the vet said he had seen one before and we may as well remove it and test it. So that’s her job on Tuesday and then just healing up. My poor old lady. Senior dogs are so expensive, all kinds of weird and wacky things happen to them and it involves a lot of money in vet costs. Little Mister was the same, he became a frequent flyer at the vet. He was also the sweetest old man, and Posey is becoming the sweetest old girl too. Maybe not to everyone, but to me and I’m the one who spends the most time with her. She’s so adorable. Stinky breath tho.

I finished Who’s Afraid of Gender by Judith Butler this past week. A very satisfying read. I found it way more accessible than earlier stuff I had read of theirs. But also last time I read them I think I was in undergrad and I couldn’t grok all the words they used. But most words I didn’t have to look up this time around. I think I looked up Phantasm but that was about it. I appreciated the way they took down all the arguments and paranoias people are using against this huge umbrella of Gender. Like they explained how Gender was being used as a catch-all for trans issues, women’s issues, abortion, same-sex marriage, queer issues, etc. And also there was this great part where they were talking about “gender critical” feminists being terrified of trans women in bathrooms and asked if they got scared every time they changed their sons diapers and saw a penis. It’s true, penises are ridiculous things to be scared of. And they made this other hilarious comment about how most of the time they are flaccid anyway. They made a lot of great comments and they even got into colonization and how the binary sex model is a colonizer’s concept and many cultures around the world had space for genders outside of it. And also how translation issues bar gender from really being a universal word and that gender concepts change with different languages. It was a fascinating book. I would read it again.

Right now I have just started Living My Life by Emma Goldman. After reading her talk about her husband’s inability to get it up in Chapter Two, I am no longer going to feel bad about oversharing on my blog. I’ve been around some guys that couldn’t get it up but I don’t think I’ll put it in a book and name them. I guess none of them were my husbands or wives or spouses though since I haven’t had a husband or wife or spouse yet. It seems like she got a lot of grief for leaving him so maybe she was just being practical by explaining her decision honestly. Still pretty intense for 1931 ha ha! Anyway I was not sure how dry that book would be and it’s longer than the Origins of Totalitarianism (and honestly two books but I got the one where they are together) but already I am entertained and also learning a lot.

Remember that scene in The Matrix where Neo is downloading karate and he’s like “I know karate!” (Or kung fu I forget!) It’s like that. I’m downloading stuff that is more whole than the TikToks and memes that try to distill some of these messages for the masses. But it’s slow going, unlike the Matrix, because it’s a damn book. Still I’m glad I finally got back to reading. I feel like it’s improving my ability to make connections between things, which is important for my creative process.

I’m excited for my shoot but also nervous because the second day my shoot is happening during a local neighbourhood festival which means parking is going to be hard to find in the area. I think we can solve the issue by bringing the equipment here after the shoot on Saturday night, and then it doesn’t have to go back to the rental place until Monday when the festival is over. It’s still a big issue which I could have solved if I looked at the schedule. BUT OMG ok this festival…. I have lived here for 10 years (in this unit) and EVERY YEAR I have forgotten about this festival and had conflicting things going on. So I guess this year is no different. Luckily I am the only actor for the Sunday it’s here, so it’s just figuring out how my crew can get here that will be difficult.

SIGH this is why I like working with producers. But this is such a low budget film and I am the producer basically. And writer/director/actor which is a lot of hats to be wearing. I could also rent an Airbnb to shoot in but then that’s a whole other issue I don’t want to deal with because the set dec would be a pain in the ass.

Anyway it will be fine! It might also be noisy. I’m not sure. I guess we’ll find out, but usually the yard next door gets turned into a parking lot for this festival which is actually quieter than the yard normally. But also sometimes there’s crazy shit happening in the park. But also that could happen any time.

Yeah fun times ha ha ha.

I should mark this weekend down next year in case I try to plan during this festival again. Based on how long it takes between posts, I am sure by the next post you will find out how badly or well this went.

I’m in a good mood though. I’ve been learning singing. I’m learning Fast Horse by Tori Amos which has a lot of high notes, and the word Shackling has five syllables and five notes. So it’s a HARD song. But kind of fun and I think I’m doing pretty good on the shackling part. Here is the original if you are curious.

And there’s a Youtube karaoke of it, which is also helpful because those videos are what I’ve been using to sing along to. I originally wanted to sing Lady In Blue by Tori Amos (which might have been easier) but I couldn’t find a karaoke of Lady In Blue. Damn.

But I have noticed the days I do music I am happier. Whether it’s guitar or singing or both, I go to sleep feeling more satisfied with life. Even when nothing else exciting is going on. It’s really nice, also I sing along to songs more often just in daily life. ALSO I have been improvising on my guitars and was learning Ring of Fire and ended up playing an adapted improvised song for Todd when I was making fun of him the other day. He loved it! He loves music so hearing me sing his voice made him really happy and silly. TODD! He’s a sweetheart.

Also singing I think is improving my breath and how oxygenated I am. I always get a bit of a head rush after practicing which is cool. Like it does kind of feel like doing drugs it’s wild. It’s not drugs though it’s just how I breath and sing. And also I was reading that it increases happy brain chemicals. So that’s cool too.

It’s hard to believe now that it’s only been a year with my guitar. I feel like it helped me grow so much. And when I started I felt like I had no right to call myself a musician, and now I’m realizing I can start accepting that title. I think I’m still such a beginner though. But learning Ring of Fire has been awesome and my guitar teacher said that I did really well with it just in the week since he showed me the tabs. So that’s nice, it’s a fun song too! But I mean I am picking things up faster now than before. And I am starting to appreciate music more and see how it’s composed when I’m listening. Before it just seemed like pretty sounds but now I know why it’s pretty, if that makes sense.

Anyway I have a lot of work to do so I can’t write more today. But hopefully the next post is about my shoot going awesomely.