I am exhausted. We wrapped on Sunday evening and the stuff went back to Charles Street Video yesterday morning. I’m still trying to track down a c-stand head and I’ve misplaced my laundry fob which is where people put things they’ve found in the co-op, so I would like to find it. Anyway I emailed the co-op to get a new laundry fob. Whenever that is.

The first day of our shoot was at 401 Richmond Street West so it was really cool, we had a nice time shooting. No one bothered us. People were still using the patio outside but they didn’t have to walk through our space so it made no difference. Altogether it was the boss’ office, a call centre, the welfare office, the library, and the bar. I think it turned out well. The footage was looking amazing from what I could see. I’m so curious to see what it will look like when it’s edited together.

The next day was all the stuff at my house. It briefly rained outside but most of the day was dry so people worked in and out of my apartment. I hope it turns out well omg. I’m nervous. I feel it will be fine. I’m not going to really know until I see the footage and that is getting copied over to my drive etc. Anyway even though I live in the tiniest place it was okay, we made it work.

I had a great crew! All very nice people who worked well together and three of my good friends. I appreciated them plus the day at my house Todd had his usual dog sitter as his assistant who hung out with him. Todd also got to meet the crew and be more sociable, which was good to see because he was very into meeting people. He’s a sweetheart. Not great with dogs or cats or anything non human though. And I would not want him unsupervised with a baby. But he is kind to most people.

Anyway the crew was so great and it made things easier. I finally had a decent sleep last night. My dog Posey went to her sitter’s in Port Dover so I had to get her home and I met her sitter at Aldershot station and Posey and her crate and I came back on the GO train last night. So that was like, 2 hours and 20 min of travel time plus waiting around for trains and stuff. Anyway we are all back now, things in my home are slowly finding their places again. People had to move stuff around to shoot so I am finding things in weird places like my nail clippers in the kitchen cupboard by the plates ha ha.

I’m so tired still but today I get a massage which is something I’ve been looking forward to all weekend.

It’s just very difficult being a producer/director/actor all in one, I don’t know that I would wear that many hats again ha ha. It’s a lot. If I do that again I would just pick two of those roles, not all three, or not all three the whole time. Plus I was also doing random things like set dec and wardrobe and sort of make up (just powder to stop the shine) and ordering food etc.

The important thing is the crew and actors are paid, I owe only the dog sitter. I owe my friends my undying devotion but for sure I’m going to be open to doing good deeds for them forever. And also we all had something to eat. AND the parking situation was not such an issue on the day the festival in my neighbourhood was happening. So many of my anxieties did not come to fruition.

I’m also just relieved it’s all been filmed and that I can move into post-production. I have to record two more voice over roles (telephone conversations). I contacted a friend who is a trans film editor and if I get more funds I can hire him this winter to edit it. I’m going to try and get a good paper edit before then. I want to have it done for an important application early next year, so that I can be like “SEE I can make a film!” But I don’t know yet if it will be a good film. It might be horribly awkward ha ha I have no idea, editing myself acting isn’t always weird but this might be weird. We’re gonna find out!

Monday after I finished taking the gear back I emailed my research assistants some information for a documentary series I am working on. I have some funding for it (it’s a multi year project and this is just one year) and also research assistants because it’s part of my queer/trans artist in residence position at the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity at U of T this year. I’m excited to work with research assistants because it takes me a while to get up to speed on stuff while researching and having someone collect it for me to read is appealing. Anyway it’s very cool. I’m going to be contacting the documentary subjects to let them know the status of the project because it’s still not completely funded, BUT this is a good start and I can do interviews.

Anyway yeah so the shoot went ok. I am taking today off sort of. Hopefully. The massage is my only thing on my calendar. Grindr guys have been messaging me but I’m too tired still.

It’s less than a week to my shoot! It’s next Saturday and Sunday. I’m struggling trying to get some dog care for the Sunday, Todd has to leave the house cause he gets jerky and I don’t want him to ruin takes. Posey is going with her old sitter though, so she’s going to have a lovely vacation. They love each other so I’m glad she gets to see her.

Posey has a surgery on Tuesday to get rid of a lump by her ear. It’s just been getting bigger and the vet said he had seen one before and we may as well remove it and test it. So that’s her job on Tuesday and then just healing up. My poor old lady. Senior dogs are so expensive, all kinds of weird and wacky things happen to them and it involves a lot of money in vet costs. Little Mister was the same, he became a frequent flyer at the vet. He was also the sweetest old man, and Posey is becoming the sweetest old girl too. Maybe not to everyone, but to me and I’m the one who spends the most time with her. She’s so adorable. Stinky breath tho.

I finished Who’s Afraid of Gender by Judith Butler this past week. A very satisfying read. I found it way more accessible than earlier stuff I had read of theirs. But also last time I read them I think I was in undergrad and I couldn’t grok all the words they used. But most words I didn’t have to look up this time around. I think I looked up Phantasm but that was about it. I appreciated the way they took down all the arguments and paranoias people are using against this huge umbrella of Gender. Like they explained how Gender was being used as a catch-all for trans issues, women’s issues, abortion, same-sex marriage, queer issues, etc. And also there was this great part where they were talking about “gender critical” feminists being terrified of trans women in bathrooms and asked if they got scared every time they changed their sons diapers and saw a penis. It’s true, penises are ridiculous things to be scared of. And they made this other hilarious comment about how most of the time they are flaccid anyway. They made a lot of great comments and they even got into colonization and how the binary sex model is a colonizer’s concept and many cultures around the world had space for genders outside of it. And also how translation issues bar gender from really being a universal word and that gender concepts change with different languages. It was a fascinating book. I would read it again.

Right now I have just started Living My Life by Emma Goldman. After reading her talk about her husband’s inability to get it up in Chapter Two, I am no longer going to feel bad about oversharing on my blog. I’ve been around some guys that couldn’t get it up but I don’t think I’ll put it in a book and name them. I guess none of them were my husbands or wives or spouses though since I haven’t had a husband or wife or spouse yet. It seems like she got a lot of grief for leaving him so maybe she was just being practical by explaining her decision honestly. Still pretty intense for 1931 ha ha! Anyway I was not sure how dry that book would be and it’s longer than the Origins of Totalitarianism (and honestly two books but I got the one where they are together) but already I am entertained and also learning a lot.

Remember that scene in The Matrix where Neo is downloading karate and he’s like “I know karate!” (Or kung fu I forget!) It’s like that. I’m downloading stuff that is more whole than the TikToks and memes that try to distill some of these messages for the masses. But it’s slow going, unlike the Matrix, because it’s a damn book. Still I’m glad I finally got back to reading. I feel like it’s improving my ability to make connections between things, which is important for my creative process.

I’m excited for my shoot but also nervous because the second day my shoot is happening during a local neighbourhood festival which means parking is going to be hard to find in the area. I think we can solve the issue by bringing the equipment here after the shoot on Saturday night, and then it doesn’t have to go back to the rental place until Monday when the festival is over. It’s still a big issue which I could have solved if I looked at the schedule. BUT OMG ok this festival…. I have lived here for 10 years (in this unit) and EVERY YEAR I have forgotten about this festival and had conflicting things going on. So I guess this year is no different. Luckily I am the only actor for the Sunday it’s here, so it’s just figuring out how my crew can get here that will be difficult.

SIGH this is why I like working with producers. But this is such a low budget film and I am the producer basically. And writer/director/actor which is a lot of hats to be wearing. I could also rent an Airbnb to shoot in but then that’s a whole other issue I don’t want to deal with because the set dec would be a pain in the ass.

Anyway it will be fine! It might also be noisy. I’m not sure. I guess we’ll find out, but usually the yard next door gets turned into a parking lot for this festival which is actually quieter than the yard normally. But also sometimes there’s crazy shit happening in the park. But also that could happen any time.

Yeah fun times ha ha ha.

I should mark this weekend down next year in case I try to plan during this festival again. Based on how long it takes between posts, I am sure by the next post you will find out how badly or well this went.

I’m in a good mood though. I’ve been learning singing. I’m learning Fast Horse by Tori Amos which has a lot of high notes, and the word Shackling has five syllables and five notes. So it’s a HARD song. But kind of fun and I think I’m doing pretty good on the shackling part. Here is the original if you are curious.

And there’s a Youtube karaoke of it, which is also helpful because those videos are what I’ve been using to sing along to. I originally wanted to sing Lady In Blue by Tori Amos (which might have been easier) but I couldn’t find a karaoke of Lady In Blue. Damn.

But I have noticed the days I do music I am happier. Whether it’s guitar or singing or both, I go to sleep feeling more satisfied with life. Even when nothing else exciting is going on. It’s really nice, also I sing along to songs more often just in daily life. ALSO I have been improvising on my guitars and was learning Ring of Fire and ended up playing an adapted improvised song for Todd when I was making fun of him the other day. He loved it! He loves music so hearing me sing his voice made him really happy and silly. TODD! He’s a sweetheart.

Also singing I think is improving my breath and how oxygenated I am. I always get a bit of a head rush after practicing which is cool. Like it does kind of feel like doing drugs it’s wild. It’s not drugs though it’s just how I breath and sing. And also I was reading that it increases happy brain chemicals. So that’s cool too.

It’s hard to believe now that it’s only been a year with my guitar. I feel like it helped me grow so much. And when I started I felt like I had no right to call myself a musician, and now I’m realizing I can start accepting that title. I think I’m still such a beginner though. But learning Ring of Fire has been awesome and my guitar teacher said that I did really well with it just in the week since he showed me the tabs. So that’s nice, it’s a fun song too! But I mean I am picking things up faster now than before. And I am starting to appreciate music more and see how it’s composed when I’m listening. Before it just seemed like pretty sounds but now I know why it’s pretty, if that makes sense.

Anyway I have a lot of work to do so I can’t write more today. But hopefully the next post is about my shoot going awesomely.

Oh man! This website needs some work. I have a webmistress who sometimes comes and helps but I’m not sure what’s she’s doing right now. I’m not hiring a new one though at this point I am just blabbing aloud.

I’m having a good end of my summer. I am shooting soon and things are coming together which is really nice. I’m excited, and also I need to practice my lines. I did write it but I don’t remember everything I’ve written. I’m doing some preproduction work this next week so that’s also cool.

I did a lot of reading between July 21 and August 21. In that time I read The Communist Manifesto, Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Wretched of the Earth, Freedom is a Constant Struggle, Giovanni’s Room, Notes from a Native Son, The Message, Perfect Victims, One Day Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This, The Origins of Totalitarianism, and The Man In The High Castle. Which is a lot of reading! I am sort of waffling on what to read next, I got Who’s Afraid of Gender by Judith Butler and a few others. I think probably Judith wins for next book though. Having a reading practice again has been so nice. I always felt so disconnected when I read things off my iPad. But this is more personal, to have a paper book.

I’ve been meeting lots of cuties these days which is nice because it’s summer and that’s great flirty/sexy time. I like connecting with people. But in smaller groups or more one on one. I’m not great with large groups because I get shy and boring. Not bored but boring because there’s not really anything coming out of me at those points.

Anyway! I thought my credit card got scammed but no I was fine I was just trying to buy legal drugs. I have had this crazy situation going on with this guy I met from Grindr who invited me to this group sex situation BUT getting involved would mean following a link to another site and giving my credit card. And I was like fuck this is how I’m gonna get scammed, trying to get into a secret group sex chat. Anyway it sounded too good to be true so I’m not signing up. I just think that’s sketchy! Ahhh ha ha but what a dumb scam to know I really was tempted. It’s too funny. But also maybe it is true and I’m missing out on an orgy, I have no idea lol.

I’m thinking a lot about the state of the world. I’m trying to understand what is going on with all of this. I think the reading is helping. I appreciate that it’s not information from social media.

I’m doing laundry and there was a power outage and I thought the machines would automatically start but no, I had to go and press start on all the machines. So we’re 34 min behind. Which seems like a good time to write a post.

I feel like things have changed within me since transitioning. Cis people always act like you’re a completely different person when you transition and for the longest time I thought no I am the same person. But also transitioning opened up so many new paths in my life that felt more possible and interesting than they had before. Like I did always want to be a slut, and now I am and it’s great. And I did want to go to the gym, and on testosterone I have enough energy to go and also to see gains. And I did want to play the guitar back when I was a 20 something but I never had money to buy a guitar and I guess the times I did have money I didn’t even think I had a right to play a guitar. So I think I was finally confident enough to try something I knew I would be bad at for a while.

I was practicing singing and discovered Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash is a really fun song to sing. And so I am learning it right now and it’s so funny, I play it and feel no good at it because I just got the tabs today, BUT it does already sound like the song. Which is the quickest I’ve picked up on a song, I can’t really play it yet because I don’t know all the parts. But it works, whatever it is doing, so I just need to get the right strumming pattern etc (which is mostly down but one upstrum before chord changes). It’s a complicated song but easier than Manic Depression. I am getting those fret-bends to work though which is cool so it’s starting to sound more like what it should be.

My goal for the end of this year is to be able to play and sing Ring Of Fire in front of an audience. I’m just doing the guitar school’s recital, no open mic nights, no big concert, no performance art, no busking ha ha.

But yeah anyway transition did change me but in good ways I think. I’m a lot happier in my personal life. Some people hate me more because I am a man, which is weird to get used to even though there was also hostility when I was a masculine woman. It seems people are just real cheap with who they think should be masculine/male I guess, and there’s that whole bullshit betrayal of the sisterhood thing too by transitioning. And certain people are super feminist but also misandrist so I’m stuck with that I guess, I love the feminism but the hate directed my way sucks. I try to limit people’s access to me when they are abusive though, so I don’t let it in as much. I know some people say misandry isn’t a thing, but it’s a thing. It doesn’t mean it has the same power structure as misogyny but it’s still discriminatory and can be used against marginalized people. Ahh that’s an essay for another day ha ha.

I need a break but I’m going to another country next month for a festival so I am getting a bit of a work vacation. Not really a vacation but a change of scenery. I’m hopeful that I get a travel grant but we’ll see.

I’ve come to an educated guess about why the ruling powers are allowing climate change to occur. I believe it is a long range white supremacist plan to commit large scale genocide against the majority of the population while the privileged white folks stay in bunkers and survive. And I don’t mean ALL white folks will survive, a lot will also die. But the rich ones will survive for a little longer time, and assume that means they won. It’s horrible, but it makes it all make sense. Why are Christian movements so tied to fossil fuels? Because it feeds into the long range plan to kill us through climate change. And Christianity and White Supremacy are very much linked, especially in the United States.

We have ways to back off from climate change. There are new energy sources being developed all the time. So why are we spending so much on encouraging fossil fuels? Because it helps the oligarchs in their white supremacist plans.

I don’t know what else to say about it except it is fucked up and I thought I should mention it here. I am trying to do some work about climate change. It’s seemed so irrational, to destroy the earth. But now I realize they do want to destroy humanity. Except for a few people. There’s more of us than there are of them, but the way the power is distributed has given us a disadvantage.

I think the only way to stop it is massive wealth redistribution.

It’s late so we’ll see how far I get writing this post.

Well it’s been the second week of working out three times a week, I suppose really it’s the start of the third week working out three times a week. My muscles are already returning from their year of exile while I was a traveling academic. I can shoulder press 45lbs! When I started working out in 2023 I could barely do 10lbs shoulder press. So it’s a big change! I can feel nice muscles in my shoulders too, and my biceps are getting a nice curve to them. I’m glad I didn’t have to start from the bottom again, it didn’t take too long to get back to where I was when I quit.

I am continuing singing lessons. I am also starting to sing along to songs more just in my regular life. There’s also the songs I sing to the dogs which are very silly and generally have lyrics based on my pups. Todd loves being sung to. This morning he and I watched Breaking Down by Florence and the Machine at the Royal Albert Hall which is Todd’s all time favourite song. I love that he has a favourite song, Posey never really got emotional to songs. But Todd is a sweet little music lover.

Here’s his song!

I’m thinking of what I want to learn besides Yesterday by the Beatles. I’m not sure, Yesterday was good because it had a melody, but a lot of the other songs I like are practically monotone which is not really helpful.

Stupid Girl by Garbage is also fun. But it would be nice to learn a love song.

I think I want to fall in love so I can write a love song and play it for someone. I just think that would be a nice experience.

I’ve learned that singing can make me cry, so I’m dealing with that. It’s helpful though because my testosterone makes crying decidedly difficult. But something about singing cracks my heart open. BUT it is difficult because then I have a hard time singing. So I want to be able to sing something and NOT cry, but I also value the fact that it opens that channel for me. I really rarely do cry otherwise. Anyway yeah.

I found out today that an old bestie died back in June, Stephanie Llewellyn. I knew her in Vancouver and we spent a lot of time together over the years and then drifted apart. I feel bad I didn’t know she died until today. We were super close for a long time. I guess that happens, the drifting apart. I never thought she was a terrible person though, we just didn’t connect the same way. Oh well. She was only 56, so young! I suppose at some point I will have to do something with my grief, right now it’s a confused little ball, also connected in some ways to the death of my friend Jes earlier this summer who I was getting closer to.

People have finite times on this earth and sometimes I forget that. I haven’t cried over Stef yet, but maybe if I pick a song to sing to myself I can cry. I don’t know a Stef appropriate song to cry about her with. I’m sure it will hit me though.

The table read went great on Friday. I have to do a shot list. I am having a meeting in the morning for my residency at U of T this fall. I think they’re just going over what my resources are etc. I didn’t get a call back from the university I submitted applications to to teach. Which is fine, but it would have helped.

I’m not really interested in a FOREVER job. But I did write down all my skills on a file so I could see what I could get jobs doing. Editing is one big skill, but I was offered a job for a bit and couldn’t take it right now because I’m gearing up for my short film shoot. BUT maybe after that is in the can I can look for some other gigs. I came out with about 14 different skills, most of them media related but when I put down EVERYTHING I also had performing, beginner guitar, acting, and singing. Although the singing is very very very beginner and I wouldn’t do it for work yet. The acting is more developed than I think people know which is kind of cool. But I haven’t acted in many other people’s films. Still, I have been cast in a feature that might shoot someday.

I’m doing other things. I saw some friends today from Berlin which was nice, we got caught up. I haven’t seen Berlin friends in a while!

I don’t know, what else? I practiced guitar today and was doing spider walks a lot which I need to do more because it was really helping with my speed. I also practiced a few scales.

There’s these books on chord progressions I am curious about, but when I went to buy them they were recommended by Jesus type singers and I was like oh no! Christian Chord Progressions. I am sure they are fine, I’m just suspicious.

My website has been SLOW to sign into, so sometimes I try and then don’t make a post. I have time this afternoon though AND managed to sign in, so here I am.

I’m doing. Ha ha I meant to type I’m doing ok, but honestly I’m doing is about right. I’ve been keeping myself busy. I practice guitar almost every day. Right now I am learning Manic Depression and it is VERY difficult but I’m managing parts. Not the whole thing. But it’s getting better. I’m also having my fourth singing lesson today. I am improving! I can even tell based on my recordings over the last few weeks of me singing, I sound a lot better. Not so strained, breathing is a bit better, matching pitch a little more.

I don’t remember if I mentioned I was quitting smoking weed. I still do edibles, but the no smoking has been doing great. I am getting my sense of smell back, I don’t have that pothead odour anymore, my lungs feel a lot better, and my throat is not so scratchy. I just wonder if even not breathing super heated air has made a difference because that probably is damaging on its own to soft tissue.

I am reading a lot of books. I read One Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This by Omar El Akkad, and Regarding the Pain of Others by Susan Sontag, and now I’m trying to get through The Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt which is a much longer book than the other ones. So it will be a while with it I think. I’ve only gotten about 60 pages in but I already learned a lot more than I knew before.

I don’t know, I’m trying to get context for what the hell is going on in the world. And so actually reading books about it is giving me different parts of what is going on. It’s helpful. More helpful than trying to trust TikTok that’s for sure. I know there’s genuine newsworthy videos out there, but there’s also so much propaganda from so many different governments that I don’t entirely trust what is online right now. I mean I don’t trust it at all really.

Not to say that everything in every book is true. But it is different.

It’s also just a way for me to reduce my time on social media. Ideally I would only ever be on FB for an hour a day, but I know it’s way more than that and I don’t like it. It’s very similar to when I was on Twitter/X and finally realized it was all lies and I couldn’t trust anything there. I remember deleting my profile there and not missing it because it was so anger inducing by the end anyway. A lot of social media is relying on my anger to keep me scrolling. So it’s hard.

And yeah the guitar practice/learning is also helping me get off social media. And last week I made it to the gym three times which was more time off social media and in the world. I went swimming with some friends and I’m just trying to enjoy the summer before it’s over.

I’m also getting ready for my shoot. I have actors, I have a crew, I have locations. We are having a table read this week and then the shoot is in September. So I’m happy about that, I love making films. I am kind of always working on a film.

I’m not really dating anyone at the moment. There’s some regular hookup partners though. But I’m kind of having a good time on my own. And I guess I just want to fall in love like it’s a surprise. Who knows! Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone famous and kind. I have no clue.

I’m also attending more gatherings of people to talk about issues and things. Like, in person. I did those Flaherty pod things earlier this summer, and another gathering this past weekend about the crisis in arts institutions right now in particular over censorship and silencing.

Also though I am comprehending more and more how certain people/countries/corporations are making a lot of money off of the genocide in Gaza. Like weapons manufacturers, people who want the land, people who are selling the gas, people who are weapons testing, people who own stocks in the weapons manufacturers, bulldozer companies, AI corporations, it’s fucking nuts that we live in a world that thinks that this kind of thing is an acceptable industry. The Industry of war, only this isn’t war it’s genocide. Either way it’s really distressing to see billionaires have no ethics or morals about using their technology to destroy a population. I mean the fact they are billionaires already means they have no ethics or morals. But these are the people in charge.

I really think we desperately need wealth redistribution because this is unsustainable. I’m just one person though so I can’t do a lot I guess. Or maybe I can I don’t know. I know I have a platform just by having this blog so I should at least use it.

It seems we are being shown how powerless we are. At least that’s my assumption based on the fact that western governments are still acting against the people’s wishes in regards to this. I’m fucking tired of Mark Carney releasing these reputation “saving” statements to tell Israel to chill while still sending weapons to Israel. It’s hypocritical and we all know he’s doing it, it does nothing to stop the genocide and it doesn’t seem urgent to him either.

I’ve been disappointed in the Canadian government for a long time though. They did do that aid drop, although aid drops are fucking dangerous and really we should be opening the roads for aid. Argh again frustrated that I have only so much power. I could write a letter I guess. I don’t know that is helping.

In the meantime, against a backdrop of this world being the saddest place, I’m still learning to sing and play guitar and at some point the two will come together. And at some point I will write a real song. And I guess I don’t know what I’m doing with this skill. Do I want to be in a band? Do I want to be a solo singer/songwriter? Do I want to just be a songwriter and sell songs to singers? Ha ha I don’t even know! We never really had musicians in my family. I might just use it for videos. But who knows. I wish I could take a musician aptitude test and find out what it thinks I should do. Maybe there’s a Buzzfeed quiz somewhere.

Watching this genocide has been disgusting. I try to repost things but I don’t know how many personal statements I’ve made. Seeing it go this far, and seeing Western governments try to cling to some premise of innocence, is so disturbing. Four generations ago my Great Grandfather Josie Cuthand was just a little boy when our family was being starved by the Canadian government. Our family raided a store to get food. Because we raided a store, an army regiment was sent to assault us at Cutknife Hill. We weren’t only warriors, there were women and children and babies too I’m sure. My Great Great Grandfather Mistatimwas was the War Chief and helped us repel the settlers, but still he was hit in the belly with a shot from a gatling gun (a precursor to machine guns). He survived. Josie left for Montana and became a Landless Cree until Cree refugees were allowed back into Canada where we were placed on our reserves, which were not really in our territory since we used to be closer to the border (and constantly crossing the border which didn’t exist yet).

Anyway, all that to say that starvation has been used as a tool for genocide for hundreds of years, and Canada proudly stands on that history of blood and hunger. I do not believe Canada is forever, I don’t believe any country is forever. But I think they did manage to escape true justice (so far). I’m four generations on from Josie and I am still a poor person. I still have trouble scraping together rent. And what is going to happen to the survivors of Gaza four generations from now? Will they be afraid of dying from freezing cold and hunger the way that fear still lives in me? Who will survive? Who will protect them when the richest people of the world are literally living for this moment, the chance to show us all their might and how they can wipe us too off the planet?

When this began I and a lot of people could see where this was heading. Israeli leaders were making very clear statements of Genocidal Intent not long after Oct 7, they knew what they were asking for and had no qualms about openly advocating for the annihilation of a people. Despite the fact that the same thing happened to Jewish people in the Holocaust. They even framed it as getting back at the Nazis, never mind the real Nazis were in Germany and Europe and had migrated to countries all over the world and continue to spread fascist ideas. In fact, the Germans joyfully armed them to commit genocide. My country did too, Canada is not innocent at all, we keep providing military hardware to Israel.

And yet at the beginning of this, even knowing what was coming, I was worried about being blacklisted for saying no to genocide. Oh sure they tried to tip toe around the genocide word, but we all saw them say the same kinds of things about Palestinians as Canadians said about Indigenous people and Germans said about Jewish people. And those words all lead to one place: Genocide.

Canadians love to disagree about the terms of genocide they engaged in. They said it was “cultural genocide” completely erasing the mass graveyards at Residential Schools which we had known about for a long time. They said “cultural genocide” when we saw them take children from our communities to brainwash them into Christianity and allow pedophiles to rape and abuse them. It is not cultural genocide, Canada committed Genocide period.

Someday maybe Israelis will admit to cultural genocide, but probably like Canadians will never admit they had policies which led to mass slaughter and death.

I’ve been reading books these days, something I had given up for a while because of my ADHD. But I read Pedagogy of the Oppressed and half of Wretched of The Earth and I’m really thinking about some of the things they said, including that in every oppressed person they have an inner oppressed person and an inner oppressor. And while I disagreed with a few things in the books (I think animals have consciousness and I practice more tribal spirituality) I do agree we have inner oppressors. And I suppose seeing what Israelis have done to Palestinians makes me realize they too have an old brutal oppressor internally.

I don’t think everyone follows their internal oppressor. But I think in the right circumstances it comes out and joyfully oppresses others. I see it in the lateral violence in the Indigenous community. We don’t have a group we have power over except each other. So gang members torture women to death, professors make posts with lies about community members to try and ruin their lives, people sabotage each others projects and steal each other’s ideas. It’s a brutal world when the oppressed crush each other when they can.

But this is an external display of the oppressor. Armed by the worst bully in the world, America, with money extorted from the poorer countries of the world. People thinking they are getting revenge from the Holocaust by causing another Holocaust on people who weren’t even persecuting them in Europe. But they’re brown people. And that’s the other thing.

It’s Jewish Supremacy wreaking havoc on this part of the world but it’s working in service to White Supremacy. It’s being the foot soldiers of the West so they can access gas reserves off the coast of Gaza. It’s another war for resources.

And that’s why the rich encourage it. They don’t have morals, they have no feelings when they see children be murdered. They have no morals because they hoard so much money that they won’t even be able to use in their lifetimes. It’s a moral defect to be obscenely wealthy, and money needs to be redistributed and billionaires need to be outlawed.

And yet we’re here, the poor, the riff raff, trying to make change, trying to shout into the void until SOMEONE listens, until SOMEONE stops it. And no one is stopping it, no one who actually has power anyway. This world is sick and diseased by capitalism and we’re being subjected to this so that the rich can test weapons they will eventually use on us to get further resources.

And maybe I’ve been blacklisted. I don’t know. If there are (and there are) lists of people being passed around who are calling out Israel for it’s genocide against the Palestinians, someday I hope people on those lists get credit for pulling the alarm for one of the most cruel and inhuman genocides in recent memory. I hope the people who have been silent or continued to push Israeli propaganda one day feel ashamed. I hope those IDF soldiers are prosecuted in every country they try to vacation in. I hope the rich who are making billions off war crimes some day face justice and have their wealth stripped from them.

I no longer believe in a heaven, or in a justice in the afterlife. I am not going to live my life thinking people get what is coming to them after we die. I want people to see justice in this lifetime. I want people to be called to account for their crimes against humanity. And I want this genocide to end, and Western governments to beg for forgiveness and never get it.

I had my first singing lesson today! I felt my voice crack a couple of times. But he checked my range (baritone but he thinks I can do some high notes) and taught me four different vocal exercises I can do each day. Then he asked me to sing a song so I picked LA Woman and sang the first five minutes. I didn’t remember it as well as I thought I did. All my old karaoke songs were with my old range, so I don’t really know what my go-to singing songs are. Anyway he is getting me to learn to sing Yesterday by the Beatles because it’s got a melody to it, and also Stupid Girl by Garbage because I think my range overlaps Shirley Manson’s range. So I practiced Yesterday along with the recording because it’s easier to match pitches when I can hear how it’s being sung. I’m going to try a karaoke version soon though. Anyway it was kind of crazy I have SUCH a huge block around singing but yeah I sang a song in front of someone which is CRAZY I didn’t know I would be able to do it and then I did it. Like I cannot express how huge this block I have had around music is. The guitar was a good intro to being musical, but adding singing is so personal. And people have such extremely strong feelings about what peoples voices sound like. And I also have a brand new voice relatively speaking since it’s only changed in the last few years.

Friday will be THREE YEARS on testosterone, so I think my voice is basically in the range it’s going to be in, but it might keep changing I guess. I can kind of learn how to control the range now though.

Three years that’s amazing. So much has changed! It feels like there were a whole bunch of internal changes, like on a soul level. I opened up to things like exercising and learning an instrument that brought out new things in me. And physically things got way better. I’m stronger, my voice is deeper, I have a few more hairs, I have male pattern baldness which tbh I had hair loss problems before T. But yeah! And I like protein way more, I have bigger genitals, no more unexplained boob pain since top surgery. I am more confident and I think also more curious. Also I’ve been having a lot more sex, like, A LOT more sex. Before I was lucky if I had sex once a year. Now I had sex with a bunch of guys just in the last week (I’m not always that active though). I feel a lot better when I have casual sex, I’m able to be like “Well that was fun” whereas on a mostly estrogen system I would be like “Ok let’s get married now!” Anyway yeah casual sex is great. Relationships are great too. I think I’ve just mostly been interested in my own stuff these last three years more than feeling pressure to get a partner. I mean I have lovers. But no main person. But I kind of like the freedom that comes with that right now.

And learning music has been so fun. And even today, finally singing in front of someone even though I suck at this point and I know it, it was a BIG STEP.

I also finally sang while playing guitar today. I was learning Yellow Submarine because it’s an easy song and I know all the chords. And it’s a song I’ve known for a long time. And the chords are either all down strums or down up strums. Super easy! So yeah I finally FINALLY sang with a song. It’s like a peanut butter cup, guitar and singing together at last! Anyway I might make a video of it after a couple more singing lessons. I am doing them once a week and still learning guitar. Right now I am learning Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix, which is looking intimidating at all the bends but I’m not there yet.

The other cool part of this is that I am learning more about my own voice which I am naturally interested in for trans reasons. I found out what my vocal range is for my chest voice and head voice so that is kind of cool. I wish I had a keyboard but dammit I don’t have enough space.

I don’t know what I am going to do as a singer songwriter type person. I do know I’ve started having fun when I improvise every day. I learn so many interesting musical things that might be new or are new to me anyway.

I also started reading Franz Fanon today. I bought The Wretched of the Earth and read On Violence. It was so good but I forgot to take my Vyvanse until I was almost finished reading that part, so I might read it again.

I was thinking about how it feels to know liberation might not happen in our lifetime, and how we leave behind all these ideas and codes and things in the hope that someone in the future will be able to free themselves from stuff that seems insurmountable right now. Maybe I won’t see the happy beginning in my lifetime. But maybe I can help people prepare for a happy beginning in the future. I don’t know, things are very grim right now. Even while I’ve been learning all this musical stuff, I still see the genocide in Gaza on my socials like everyone, and it’s so dire right now. I don’t know why the big powers are torturing people like this, it’s so disturbing. And the underlying threat of colonization that it could be us next. It’s very depressing.

I want capitalism to fall. And I think it might. But if it doesn’t in my life time, then I hope I can leave enough beautiful clues in my art for someone to liberate themselves. Capitalism and colonization are two sides of the same thing. I think they both need each other to continue.

I’m starting singing lessons on Monday after waffling for a long time about it. It’s not super expensive and they are short lessons. And I can quit whenever. So that’s exciting, I hope I like my instructor. I picked a dude because I have a dude voice. So we’ll see how it goes. I’m so nervous about singing it’s this major block I have because of how I was raised. Like music was a shameful thing, ESPECIALLY singing! So I never really got to explore my singing voice because of my own internal blocks around it. I sometimes wonder if colonization has anything to do with why my family was against singing. Like maybe because our ceremonies and stuff were outlawed? I don’t know, all I know is I have this internal barrier against singing that I want to crack. PLUS it would improve my guitar playing because it’s easier to tell where you are in a song if you’re singing it. And I’m not sure I want to be a musician except I guess I am now ha ha. But I guess I feel like a baby still musician wise. Maybe in a year I would want to play with people, like jamming. Two musician friends who have seen my videos of me playing say I’m pretty good. Which is encouraging even tho I just see all the errors still.

BUT I don’t know if I wrote about this here, but I’ve had a real explosion of creative ideas over this last year and I am starting to think that learning music opened up a creative channel. Like deeply emotionally impactful stories are just hitting and coming out of the woodwork and old stories are merging with new stories and becoming something much more interesting. It’s been really nice to see this internal renaissance of creativity just because I started learning an instrument.

Also I’ve noticed that I have a different experience with music now because I have a physical connection to it, while before it was more disembodied. It’s cool to realize that and not something I really anticipated.

I’m doing good otherwise! Completed a work thing today so now I can move on to other things. I have to work on a feature script that is VERY MUCH bumped to the back of the line over and over but I have to put it first on Monday. I got a grant for it and I know when I write it it won’t take so long. I know a lot more about scriptwriting than I used to, it doesn’t take soooooo long to write. But damn I just need a draft so I can get the final report in, it’s so delayed!

Dogs are arguing with each other next to me. Sigh.

I’m concerned by how many people are using Generative AI. There’s people telling them all their deepest secrets and getting pushed towards harmful delusions and ChatGPT psychosis. Also people are losing cognitive ability by letting ChatGPT write all their stuff. I’m honestly concerned we are going to have a generation of people who go through school and come out completely uneducated because they let ChatGPT write all their papers. I’m also worried about talking to people online who are using chatgpt to talk to me and not actually writing it themselves. I will never use AI like that. All my bad ideas and errors are my own.

Yesterday I finished the auditions, although I do have one character I am still casting for (Indigenous girl 14-16 [or Indigenous voice actor who sounds young] voice over can be anywhere in North America). But the auditions were pretty awesome, it was cool to see people inhabit the roles. And also to hear my words being spoken. And also to practice my lines with them while we talked. All the characters are speaking with the main character who I’m playing. It was also kind of interesting to get a hint of what the film might look/sound like. I’m like, the everything person on this short, which is new for me on a film of this size. I mean it’s just got a big cast and a crew of more than me and an assistant. And I have to think of set dec things and all that stuff. I printed off a photo but it’s the wrong size so I am going to do it again. It was an official photographic paper print, but yeah it wasn’t the right shape.

I also have to get some beer glasses and fake beer and a little pub/restaurant sign. And a string of lights. Ahh it’s going to be a bunch of things. I don’t shoot until September so it shouldn’t be too bad, I have time to figure it out.

I scheduled one whole day just for all the stuff in my apartment, but except for the end scene a lot of it is pretty easy short little things. The end scene is more emotional and I am trying to figure out the best way to perform it in front of a crew and also save my performance if I have issues with it. I think I can do it. If I have trouble I might try and shoot it myself with no one around, but that seems silly. And I always end up with blurry video when I do that, so it’s not a good plan. I definitely have to memorize my lines, which will be intense because I am so used to reading lines. But I can do it!

I’m so exhausted but I am still managing to stay on top of all the work stuff I have to do this week. Today I do more work. I have this career cobbled out of various gigs and projects and sometimes it is ok and sometimes it’s fucking hard. I am ok right now, some more money is coming in on Monday. Maybe even Friday! I have some cheques I need to take to the bank to cash. Blah that’s all boring ha ha. Artist gig economy.

I’m going to London for the day on Friday to take my keys back to Western. It’s going to be weird to turn them over, although in September I start my next artist in residence position. And October I will hear about a grant, and I have some other applications going in for things. I applied for a couple of jobs too, teaching gigs. So a bunch of stuff happening or not happening.

I got my doctor to put in a referral for me to get a hysterectomy because I’m tired of my fibroids. They are just real big and make things difficult like having to constantly pee (and this has been going on for a long time)! So if I’ve ever hung out with you and you’ve been like wow Theo pees a lot, I have to constantly drink fluids because of my meds and I have to constantly pee because my bladder is being compressed by the bag of oranges known as my uterus.

I’m tired of not being able to trust people. There are a lot of untrustworthy people in my community. That sounds so paranoid though. But I’m tired of my labour being exploited, my stories being stolen. My money being appropriated. It’s very frustrating. I get ideas all the time and the people I talk to about them is shrinking because I just don’t trust people not to take them. They’re good ideas! And I want to do stuff with them given time/money.

I’m also still working on this book but it’s being like, outlined I guess. And I’m so worried it will be taken by someone else. I’ve literally only told three people what the idea is and two are writers but I guess I trust them considering my relationship with each of them. And one is my Mom and she does visual art, not storytelling types of art. Not the kind I do anyway, so that seems fine. I hate having to be so protective but I guess I’ve just accepted that there are people who like to sabotage other artists/storytellers which fucking sucks. I also don’t want my idea getting out there when it’s still raw and not thought out carefully.

I also have a deadline coming up this month that I am working toward. I told some people about the idea because some of the content is specific to my family’s oral history.

OMG one time someone did a painting about my Great Great Grandfather Mistatimwas without knowing what actually happened and my Mom got so pissed and then the person who was friends with the artist was like “Well there are many truths” and I remember my mom being so pissed because we knew what happened due to oral stories and an actual written down story of how he was being doctored for a gatling gun wound when the supposed events happened in the painting. ANYWAY ha ha I do want to turn these oral stories into something, so I’m working on that. He was the War Chief at the Battle of Cutknife Hill and I think he never really got cred for it in his lifetime which bothered him. He ended up at Stoney Mountain Penitentiary for horse stealing, and never really got prosecuted for being the War Chief which tbh I think he kind of wanted instead of being forgotten. Because Poundmaker was the Peace Chief but got all the attention. So my ancestor kind of slipped into the past without recognition, even though his battle was successful in making the Canadian government retreat and be unable to massacre my tribe.

And I can totally get what that feels like, especially considering projects I have been a part of without getting credit for it except my name in the credits. Not the glory though. I mean I do get attention for other things, but there’s injustice in my Great Great Grandfather’s story and how he is widely remembered or not remembered that I recognize in my own life as an Indigenous trans creative. And I have no kids, so it seems like telling those old stories is important to me so at least someone hears them.