It’s been a long time since I have written.

I have gotten a new job which has taken a lot of my time, not to mention my internet was down. DOWN! I hadn’t been able to pay my isp for a long time, and they cut me off until I could pay. Which I finally have, and so I am writing from home, most happily facebooking and all those other things I do online.

I have a smouldering ashtray in front of me. Fucking ashtray.

I come up as number two in google suggestions when you type in Thirza! I’m famous! And I have a weird name!

I like being me these days. Which is good. I’m doing pretty well, and I can get up early for work, which is also good.

I’ve been so bored without the internet and television! NO SIMPSONS! Oh lord, it was brutal!

My mum is here to go online. I will write more later.

I’ve been doing well these days. I have a lot of energy, not manic energy, just a lot more since getting off Seroquel and drastically reducing my pot intake. I have an interview tomorrow with Sasktel to be an Operator, I’m pretty excited about this, especially since it pays 20 bucks an hour!!! I think I would be an awesome Operator, but I have to really think and spiff myself up so I Look good in the interview. I had to do a typing test and get 40wpm, and it freaked me out a bit when I was sweating and typing as fast as my fingers could fly. But I passed and moved on to the interview part of applying, so that’s good.
There is also another job I am applying for, but I don’t want to jinx it so I’m not going to talk about it much.
I”M SO TIRED! Oh man, I stayed up too late last night because I was reading my diary from when I got out of the hospital the last time, and it was kind of nice reading all that stuff, my thoughts. I lost my diary recently, I had a beautiful bluey green diary and it just up and walked out on me. I don’t know where it is for the life of me. It MUST be in my apartment somewhere, I know I didn’t take it out the door. There were some goals in there I wanted to achieve and now I can’t remember what they are.
I’m sleepy! Wah!
I really do hope I get one of these jobs I am applying for, I need to get something that pays better than what I am making now. And I need to know I can move away from call centres into something else, something more substantial. Call centres have generally been there for me when no one else would hire me because I was too damn butch looking, but they don’t pay very well and it’s getting difficult to realize I do all this work for only ten bucks an hour. Even with a bachelor’s degree. And I can’t do film work, like, on set, because the hours and the stress of working on set for other people gets to me. I could be an editor quite happily, but getting yelled at everyday, nope nope nope. Nevermind that I get yelled at on the phones by people, that’s different though, they just yell because they’re annoyed, but on film sets people yell because they think that’s how a set should be run. UGH!
I talked to my ex Velveeta last night, who is now an elvis impersonator (but not a drag king she says) named Velvis. You can see her here. She always makes me laugh, and she makes a great elvis!
Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow so I should hit the sack. I’m showering in the mornings now, but my hair still ends up looking unruly, I’m growing it out and it’s all kinds of bizarre right now. I just want to put a bag over my head until I can finally show off my new bright red locks.
Hey, my friend Shavonne has a new blog you should check out! And I mention this because she first posted the following video on her blog Tussy Talk and the song is now embedded in my head.
I Seen Beyonce at Burger King!

I didn’t win 48 million, but I did get a nice artist fee that paid off most of my debt to my mom. And there’s still the Millionaire Life draw!
I had a burger at the Broadway Cafe with Mum for dinner tonight, it was SO good! And I was SO hungry! I slept all afternoon because I was still tired from last night, Ryan Wonsiak had a goodbye party at Walkers and tons of people were there. It was a lot of fun, until the end when my drunk xxxxx splashed a beer in her xxxx Deanna’s face and it got on me. Deanna splashed back, which I think surprised xxxxx but I was kind of rooting for her to get back at her at that point. Do two wrongs make a right? No, but at least xxxxx had to suffer the indignity of being covered with beer too.
I’m drinking a beer and then I’m going to bed, I am still tired and the Seroquel withdrawals have eased up. I can now go to sleep much easier. I DID get pot to help me sleep, but I don’t think I need it anymore. I’m sleeping good, and waking up nice and early. This afternoon I slept a lot, because I was up really late last night and still had to get home this morning to feed the animals.
I love my animals. Right now the dog is sacked out on his favorite chair and the cat is awol in the house, probably on my bed right now. The dog and I were wrestling earlier, he’s fun to wrestle with. He does his play bow bunches of times and it’s cute.
If you’re reading this on Facebook, it is because I am importing my blog into my notes. No I don’t usually write a lot of notes like this, this is just me blogging as per usual.
Well, it’s almost 11 o’clock, time for bed! I’m liking going to bed early these days, I used to be more of a night owl, but I find going to bed at a set hour better for my bipolar.
So I’m off the seroquel and still doing well, next I’m reducing my antidepressant to get my libido back. I’m really worried about that, because I’ve had a terrible time with depression. But I will still be on it, just half of what I’m taking now. I have to wait to see my shrink before I cut back though.

I am in the process of getting off my Seroquel because it makes me sleep in way too much. But it’s been two nights without it and I’m having a hard time sleeping. It’s pretty frustrating, especially when I know that if I just smoked some POT I could get to sleep better. But I shouldn’t self medicate, but OOOOH just a joint before bed would put me out. It’s so bothering me.
It’s Friday the 13th. I don’t know why THIS day is supposed to be unlucky, hopefully nothing bad happens to me today. I’m home sick because of various reasons, mostly to do with feeling sick. BLEH!
I was going to apply to a call centre, but they are looking for speakers of native languages and I don’t know much Cree besides Tansi Atim, which means Hello Dog! I don’t think that would be the best way to address a person on the phone.
I do have an interview with RBC next wednesday, I’m pretty excited about that, I am applying to become a teller. Client Service Representative is the actual term. I hope no one tries to rob the bank.
Oh man, I’m SO freakin’ tired. I just want to roll over and go back to bed. I might have a nap, but I should stay up and try to get my sleep back on track. I haven’t had sleep problems the whole time with Seroquel, but I have been OVER tired, which is a problem. I’m wondering how long it will take for me to get back to normal.
Ughy, I have to get something to eat. I think I will go to mum’s.

I was in the grocery store with mum the other day and we were looking at the nutritional information on the back of two packs of soup. She asked me how much sodium my favorite ichibans had. 1290mg. That’s a LOT! I’m trying to eat healthier ever since learning from my dietitian that I have high cholesterol. And I don’t want to have a heart attack soon. I feel like there’s still a lot I want to do.

It was funny seeing all the rubber food the dietitian had. Rubber carrots, rubber fish, rubber potatoes and rice.

It depresses me to think of having a heart attack. I have to do something about this.

I read somewhere online that one guy lowered his cholesterol levels just by quitting smoking. I AM smoking right now, but I still want to quit. And I think I will. I’m almost ready.

I’ve gotten used to drinking diet colas now. It’s really nice actually, I thought I would miss regular cola a lot more than I do.

If I had a cheap non toxic option to smoking I would. But nearly everything gives you toxic bluckies when you smoke it. Smoking’s not very natural, we should be eating it.

My cousin has moved into her new place, I’m happy for her, I’m glad she has a place to live in town.

I’ve had a ton of fun this weekend, saw more of my friends than I usually see these days. It felt like having a life, besides cleaning, and editing, which seems to be the two things I’m always doing. when I’m not on the net. The difficult thing about editing at home is that I can always veer to the internet when I’m supposed to be editing. And I haven’t been doing any writing besides my blogging. I feel like I blog to keep up my writing skills, even if it’s all drivel. Just to know I’m at least writing SOMETHING every so often.

But I haven’t been working on my short screenplay or my final report(s) or my next grant either. I’ve been a bum writer, writing for short lived internet jollies. And I haven’t even written my more serious editorial pieces or anything. Just goofiness.

I’m still aspiring to live a healthier lifestyle. And when I say lifestyle I do not mean being queer. I hate when people call being queer a lifestyle, like it’s up there with being a fitness buff or something. No one ever calls heterosexuality a lifestyle.

But I did fall off the no smoking wagon. I feel guilty and bad about it. Oh man, especially when I think who would want to kiss a smoker? I don’t mind kissing smokers, but it just makes me one point more appealing if I quit. And I need that one more point of charm!

And I do have yoga to do now, which is actually a lot of fun. The whole point is relaxation, which is nice. I like it so far. I can do Corpse really well!

I have to go to bed now.

Last night I went to my first of three yoga classes. We learned some basic poses, like Child’s Pose and Pyramid and Downward Dog and Tree, which always makes me fall over. Timber! I did pretty well on my poses, had a little trouble with three of them, which is to be expected for a newbie.
Tonight I am going to go see Milk at the Roxy with some buddies. I’m excited, I haven’t been to the movies in a month or so. I think we’re also going to watch some of my videos. That will be interesting. I don’t know if I have a copy of Untouchable though, I do but in 3/4″ format.
I haven’t had pot in a week or so, two weeks actually, to be honest. I kinda wanna get stoned now that it’s the weekend, but no dineros for pot. I talked with my psych nurse about pot, she told me I’d have even more stability if I abstained from it. But I don’t really want to give it up for good yet. I do like it, I just want to use it more responsibly. No more binging. I have two weeks before I’m letting myself buy again, for Valentines Day. Or the Fifteenth. Or whenever the weekend is really.
I’m considering seeing an addictions worker about it. I’d like to hear what they have to say anyway. At least it’s not heroin. But it still does a number on your lungs.
That all being said, if my movie buddies tonight passed me a joint I sure would appreciate the buzz!

My life has been going well since I’ve started making healthy changes. I am going to a Yoga class tonight where it’s for total beginners, to get you ready to do drop in classes. It goes for three weeks, which is perfect. It’s pretty tricky stuff, yoga, I never realized how much it would push me until I did the free queer yoga class through the Avenue Community Centre.

I’m making progress on my video. Right now it’s still a jumbled mess, but a shape is starting to take form. Which is good. It’s such an ambitious project, and the next video is similar in scope, although totally fictional. I haven’t got a structure worked out yet. Normally I would be sitting down writing out a flow for the tapes I make, and I haven’t actually DONE that yet. Maybe because my narration is still untaped.

The funniest thing happened to me at work, I called my ex at HER workplace. I felt funny about it, we were both professional and just dealt with each other like any other call, I didn’t dare try to strike up a conversation in case she slammed the phone down, which was probably for the best. But I did feel kind of sad that we didn’t talk to each other like ex lovers do. Or whatever.

I was going to go for a ski today, but I think I will go tomorrow instead. I will now go edit more of my video. VIDEO!!!! i love it!

Is videoing even a word? I don’t think we used it in film school. But I did do some shooting today of my mommy’s interview. I hope that it will round out my video. I also have to shoot some footage of myself, but I want to know what I have to work with first.

I’ve been okay, I’m trying to better my life still. I only partied once this weekend, which was nice. Last night I just stayed home with the pets and goofed off. I have to clean again because my place is YET AGAIN a huge mess.

I’m excited for editing, I have tons of footage now and think I have just enough to make a good video. I may just use myself to do the voiceover, maybe a little bit of me talking.

I really want to get the whole damn thing done by March so that I can apply for a big grant again in April. I want to do a Mars recruitment video. But I really need a script to show the funders, there’s a better chance of getting a grant if I do it. So I also have to work on that. Plus festivals are starting to ask about showing it, and I really do want to get it done for their deadlines.

I’m pretty impressed with the things Obama has done so far. Pretty exciting times for those americans. Even to be canadian is exciting, what with the coalition rumours.

I have most of tomorrow off except for 3 to 6 when I am working. It will be kind of nice, I hope to clean and edit. Clean and edit, clean and edit, clean and edit, that’s my life. I wish there was a coffee shop I liked to sit in, so I could write down ideas. That’s where I do my best writing, in a coffee shop. There are some in Sutherland, a short bus ride from where I live, and I’m sure once I get a weekend routine going BEYOND partying I could sit in there and write.

I guess at a certain point in everyone’s life, they want more than cheap thrills and actually want to focus on career goals and other important life things. I’m smoking up WAY less and I have noticed a difference, I have more motivation for one thing, more energy, I don’t just SIT around anymore. I actually got it together to videotape my mom today, which was good because I’d been avoiding it for a while.

It’s funny that my career has nothing to do with how I ordinarily make a living, which is as a market research interviewer (since 2002!). But I have had BIG grants twice during that time, where I either worked on a video or wrote a screenplay.

It’s funny, you know what really made me want to stop smoking so much pot was my creativity. It gets dulled from too much pot use and as a practicing artist I can’t afford to keep flushing creativity down the loo. I think slowing down has been a positive influence in my life.

I’ve decided to do this First Step Yoga class with the City of Saskatoon, it’s three beginner yoga classes that get you ready to do drop in yoga classes. I’ll probably do my drop in yoga at the Y, but I’d like to know some of the basic positions before I step into that.

Things are going remarkably well in my life, as a result of all the changes I’ve been making. I still wish I kept a cleaner house though.

I think one of the most annoying things about my last manic episode was losing the password to not only my email, but also my blog which I had meticulously tended for four years. It was one of my longest running weblogs and I was pretty proud of it, UP until I went crazy. and normally I erased stupid manic shit when I was back down to the ground putting my life back together. But this time I COULDN’T! Oh man what a shame!
I have often felt subsequently embarrassed by thoughts I expressed during mania, because they often don’t make much sense to anyone, including myself, and often focus on topics like religion which I actually don’t think about very much when I’m sane. And ironically enough, often of Christian themed topics.
I blame my Grandma, who always roped me into Bible Camp every summer, even though I never read the bible.
I’m trying to look on the bright side. Like that certain people weren’t named, or that I did stop before I went REALLY nuts, but it’s still embarrassing. I’d like to think maybe some psychiatrist or C/S/X will come across it and use it to help write about thoughts people in hypomania have.
It’s been a year now that I’ve been stable. No depressed episodes, and no manic episodes. It’s kind of amazing. I’ve NEVER been stable for this long. I don’t remember a time in my life where I felt so good, and not in a manic way. I just feel very normal. It could be remission. I’m not sure. I’ve never really been in remission. I always got depressed just when I thought I was okay. It’s a little scary to think it took until I was a few months shy of turning thirty to find real stability with this bipolar I diagnosis I have. If I’d known when I was struggling with depression at the age of 11 that it would be almost 20 years of on again off again struggles with my mood disorder, I might have given up. That IS a long time. I haven’t even had a rage in a long time either. When I was a kid I used to get frustrated at something small and go apeshit and trash my room. I’ve since learned that wrecking your own stuff because you’re In A Mood is just bullshit.
One other thing I’m embarrassed about concerning my manic episodes is I tend to fixate on women I like. I freaked one out in my first episode by sending her a weird note, and then the next woman I sent BUNCHES of weird emails to and really did make her super weirded out by me. Fuck I felt like such a creep, and was so ashamed because she and I really did have a nice time together until my mania began.
But you know what, maybe that had to happen so I would take the damn thing seriously and stay on my meds.
I’ve also been taking iron everyday, and I think that resolved some of my issues with the depression. Not all of them, I sill have to take my celexa or I get really down and listless. It’s like being the walking dead. Ugh.
Shame about the things I’ve done or said while crazy. Shame about being crazy. It’s still there, even though I’ve been open about my bipolar disorder since it cropped up in my life during the montreal mania. I think it’s mainly shame about losing control, being in an altered state for a significant period of time and being embarrassed about that. I’ve never been on a drug that’s given me the same terrifying highs of mania. It’s so enchanting to step into that world, but to have it make often lasting impacts on one’s friendships and relationships and so on, it’s shameful. I wish it wasn’t.