I’ve been doing pretty good these days.  Some things are happening in my life.  I have a job interview coming up at the beginning of August.  It’s for a residency type position where I would be an emerging director in the theatre.  I don’t want to say too much about it until the closing date for applications passes.  Except I am pretty stoked about it and hopefully it will really improve my life and give me a new purpose and expand my skill set for when I go on to direct feature films and such.

Tomorrow I am going for coffee and a walk with this cute girl I mentioned three entries ago from OKC.  That should be fun.  I’m not viewing it so much as a date as more of a hang out with the potential to become friends.  BUT if sparks happen I am open to it!  I just don’t want to put pressure on the situation.  She is pretty cute though.

Speaking of cute girls, I ran into someone I have mentioned here who I have an extensive history with and for lack of a better word I refer to as an ex.  An ex whatever.  Whatever we were doing that ended up breaking my heart.  It was a good encounter.  We made idle chit chat and she laughed at a silly thing I said and in the end she let me hug her, which was really nice.  We haven’t seen each other since 2007.  I was going crazy wondering why we had never run into each other when we lived in the same city this whole time, but finally finally we saw each other.  I think it was positive.  Even though she will never love me.

I sometimes feel dumb for still loving someone who doesn’t love me and never will.  I guess that’s the thing about love though, feeling it for someone isn’t a guarantee they will feel it back.  And even though I think I am pretty loveable, she doesn’t see it.  Which is too bad for her I guess.

I am kinda sleepy.  It’s late, and I need to get to sleep earlier.  I have to stop falling in love with people who aren’t interested in me!  And Emma still doesn’t want to be friendly friends with me since I confessed love to her last summer.  I’m still on restricted profile.  I have a terrible feeling she is waiting until I have a real relationship with someone else before she lets me interact with her again, and I have an even worse fear that I’m gonna be single for ages longer and still cut off from friendship with Emma!  OH MANS!  She was my sober pal.  I really miss that.

Steven has been out of the house for the last two nights, tonight is the third night he has been gone and we have no clue where he is.  I kind of wonder at what point we should put up posters or whatever.  BUT he is leaving on Thursday for good, and we are renting that suite out for September 1st.  So it’s been almost like he is already gone, nice and relaxed and happy.  Even Little Mister has calmed down.  He hated Steven.  Still, where the hell is Steven?  Oh well.

What else?  Oh hell, I don’t know!  My piercing is healing well, crusty but good.  I did weight lifting with Laurel this past week and my body ACHED!  But it was good, and I think I am gonna do it again.  She left the next day for Manitoba, so I was without my workout pal.  But she comes home on Monday and then I think we are back to the gym!  I really do want those toned arms.  I guess I could lose ten pounds.  My weight had been going down for a while and then I quit the gym and started baking pies and I gained a bunch of weight.  It’s awkward, because I am fat positive.  But also, I don’t like always having to buy new clothes.  So there’s that.

I do miss her, the Ex.  I mean, even just as a friend that I could hang out with, I miss her that way.  But somehow I kind of think I would always lean towards romantic feelings towards her.  She did get my virginity, that’s kind of a big deal.  They say you always love your first love.  Too bad I wasn’t her first love too, then she would always love me instead of never loving me. 

So I am just going to for now ignore most of what happened yesterday which was messy and ugly, and try to explain what happened without pissing off my mom again.  ANYWAY, she told me I was evicted, we had a big row, it was awful, I cried myself to sleep and spent five hours looking for jobs and places to live, and then this morning she apologized for swearing at me BUT not for the fight, but she explained it was the other roommate that was really stressing her out and she said I could stay if I wanted to.

So I felt a bit better, then she read the blog I had written and got mad again, and then I erased it to salvage our relationship, and then she just muttered that I was a minor jerk when we went to see Grandma and Grandpa.  And I did the dishes I was supposed to finish and cleaned the bathroom and got rid of the smell in my room and we went out to the movies and for dinner and things seem to be much better.

I did get a response about a place to live, but she hasn’t sent me any pictures like she said she would so I am not sure if it is still a possibility or not.  For now I am just leaving it.  I have given up looking for a place to live and I am going to focus on waiting out these last ten days with the bad roommate and hope that our lives improve when he is gone.

So that’s that.

Tomorrow I am beginning my fitness routine again.  I had been thinking about it for a while, and I read that the first two weeks after getting an Industrial you SHOULDN’T work out, so today was two weeks since it has been pierced.  So I’m ready tomorrow.  I found my lock for the lockers and I have gym shoes and a headband for head sweat.  I don’t have a gym bag.  I might appropriate one of mom’s.  I am going to do something different this time, I am going to do some strength training.  I want muscly arms.  The kinds that fill out a t shirt nicely.  I read this total butch porn about the glory of white t shirts today, they were talking about men wearing them but butch women look pretty awesome in them too.  I think they just accentuate masculinity in this nice working class way. Anyway, I need some popeye arms that make women shiver when they imagine getting fisted by me!  LOL!  That’s kind of overkill actually.  Even Madonna arms are overkill.  I just want a little definition and the ability to carry sleepy tired puppies for a couple of blocks if need be.

We took Dora, the new corgi, to the Vet last week and I had to carry her part of the way back because she got tired and just wanted to lay down.  I guess the shots she got were supposed to make her tired.  But I had a hard time carrying her two blocks.  4.5 kg isn’t a lot, but my arms were weak.

My ear feels weird.  Like crusty.  Which is normal.  It’s got lymph on it because it’s healing.  And will be for the next six months to a year.  I’m excited for when it is done healing.  This time I think it will work, it’s been remarkably good since I got it and not very painful at all, not compared to what I remember anyway.  I might even get more cartilage piercings in the other ear next year.  Different ones, but in the upper ear too.  We will see.

Okay, I have to get up at 10 tomorrow morning for this exercise, so I should go.  I just wanted to update y’all on the situation.  Nothing to worry about here.

So I wrote this long thing about a fight I had yesterday with my Mom and then she got upset about it so I have deleted it.  But I still feel like I should explain what happened, so I am going to try and think of a way to describe current events without talking about my mom.  Anyway, maybe I will just say she evicted me and then changed her mind.  And I might have a new place to live but I also might stay.  So that is going on.

My ear is healing well, it’s not as sore as I thought it would be this first week.  It’s got little crusties but that’s all.

I’ve had a good week.  I am looking for part time work.  I’m not applying for very fancy jobs, I just basically want something that will give me an extra four or five hundred a month.  So far I’ve applied to a movie theatre, SaskPower, and the Police Service.  No calls yet.  I’m either under or over qualified probably.

I did tarot and rune readings asking about my love life.  For the present I got ten of cups which is like, happy home and love and stuff, and I DON’T have that for my present situation.  So it’s kind of curious.  And then for the rune reading I got this one that was about life partners and a thing called The Fetch that is like this force that will bring my love into my life.  I’m not sure.  I still feel dubious.  I think if I lived somewhere else I might find someone, but in this dumb city I can’t imagine finding someone.

And yet the weird thing is I have a feeling I’m going to be with someone I have already met.  I don’t know who though. 
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This is one of those entries where I write then come back a few days later.

Anyway, I’ve been sending messages on dating websites.  I wasn’t getting replies from a couple ladies, but this one woman has replied to my message and we seem to have things in common AND she is super cute.  We might hang out this week!  🙂  It would be nice to go for a hang out.  I’m not sure if it is a date or just a friendly meet up, I guess I will find out.  But she is SUPER cute!  She reminds me of a couple ladies I have fond memories of.  So there’s that.  She’s also younger than me.  Old enough to be mature (I hope!), but still not 35 or even 30!

I still haven’t heard back from any potential employers.

I DID hear back from someone about a new place to live.  I’m really torn, I decided to stay here, but it is a super good deal.  Geez.  I think I’ll decline, but it sucks.  I was ready to leave when Steven was still gonna live here, but now he’s being evicted, and I know my Mom needs the money, so I feel like I should stay.  Still, it was pet friendly and LGBT friendly, two super crucial things!  Damn.  And my rent would have stayed the same, with utilities, netflix, and wifi included.

Ha ha, I just realized this whole entry so far is about potential girlfriends/friends, work, and homes! It’s kind of funny.

I’m tired.  I got some new music from iTunes but it’s not enough.  I think I need to buy a whole album instead of singles.

I’m still trying to think of how to improve my life.  Last year was all about getting sober, and this year I have to keep pushing forward.  I don’t want to get stuck in just thinking it’s enough to be sober.  But I’m also not really a twelve stepper.  I have to think of some other way to grow.

Getting all my piercings back, my lobes, industrial, and hood, was kind of a treat for me because I missed those for a long time.  I feel a little bit more myself now.  I am also wanting a tattoo, but that’s a ways off still.  And anyway, those are a little more superficial and not dealing with how I really want my life to change.

I think if I want to continue to grow I have to figure out what kind of a person I want to be, what kind of life I want to live, and make a list of steps to take to get there.   What do I want?  I want a girlfriend, I really want a wife, but I think I should start with a girlfriend.  I want my own place to live, maybe with roommates, or with my girlfriend, but somewhere I can have my dog.  I want a car.  I want a part time job, not a full time job and not a job that’s like 35 hours a week so it’s practically full time, UNLESS the full time job is something creative like writing scripts or making films or something in my line of arty stuff.  I think I would be able to do full time if it was something where my talents were actually being utilized and I was realizing my own personal visions.  I want to travel more.  I want to make enough money that I am comfortable.  I don’t care if I am rich, but if I had enough that I could do things I wanted like travel and buy a house or condo and own a car and pay for Little Mister’s geriatric dog needs, that would be good. 

So I guess I should continue making shorts and trying to get money to make more industry kind of things and doing whatever labs or workshops in directing or something.  I should keep trying to meet new women until the magical mutual spark thing happens.  I should eventually move out, when I have some more long term income coming in that will let me live on my own.  I should keep trying to get residencies abroad.

But is this what it means to grow as a person?  I guess my life trajectory is different than other women’s.  Like, I am never having children, so I won’t have to worry about certain things parents have to worry about.  And I don’t see myself working a day job forever.  I dunno.

I’m super tired, I should go sleep.

I wish I could say I actually HAVE two Industrials, but to me one is enough, and also Industrial Number 1 fell out a few years back and I was too lazy to put it back in right away (I needed to get another spikey end I think too because I lost it!) and then by the time I tried it had grown in.

Anyway, there were issues with the first Industrial piercing I had, like that it never really healed and also that it got a bump.  The bump went away when I took out the piercing, so my ear looks normal.  But I now realize there was something wrong with that piercing and I guess I should have gone back to the shop to get advice or different jewelry.

ANYWAY, I have been wanting another Industrial for ages.  I really wanted one the last few weeks.  I had promised myself I would get it done and then I had the money and I just started putting it off because truthfully, the last time I got an Industrial it hurt like a muthafucker and kept hurting for hours, it hurt so much I thought I was gonna faint.  And at the time I was a pothead so I was trying to use weed as a painkiller, bad idea!  Weed really isn’t very effective for that type of pain.  It just makes things slow down and still hurt. 

So today we were supposed to go to Manitou for the pool and bobbing around in salty salty healing waters, but instead Mum didn’t feel like going and said “You may as well get your ear done” because I had been talking about it for ages.  So we went and did a few errands and then we went to Tantrix to get my ear pierced.

I was so nervous.  We went up 108th Street and Tantrix is basically at the end of that on Central Ave, so I could see it from a distance and my heart was beating fast and my hands were sweaty.  On the way in we saw a woman dressed as the girl from Brave (never saw it so I don’t remember her name) and a couple other Disney Princesses going into the children’s store next door.  I don’t really have a reason for mentioning that other than finding it unusual. 

So I go up to the counter of Tantrix and the woman working there has me fill out a consent form and a little questionnaire about if I am of sound mind and do I have HIV and stuff.  And then we go into this room. 

And she gets the right sized bar and all her stuff lined up and then it’s time to do the piercing and she puts it through on the count of four and it stings and it has a burn to it that builds up after.  But then I hear what I did not want to hear.  “That is a bit shallow.  You’re going to hate me, but we have to do this again.”  OMG!  NOOOOOOO!  So she lets my ear cool down and then she pierces the bottom part again, and it stings a little more and I can feel blood running down my ear and then she says it’s STILL not quite right and she wants to do the top to make sure she’s got the right angle.  So she does the top, which was probably the WORST piercing of them all, and then a bit more of a sting as she gets the bar through it.  Then there is some wiggling and the bar comes out the bottom one and she repierces the bottom for the LAST time and it is finally just right.  And then some stingy again when she gets the jewelry through and then she screws on the balls and presses a lot of pieces of paper towel to my ear to stop all the bleeding from my poor little ear.

What surprised me though is that even though I basically got four cartilage piercings in the space of half an hour, it didn’t hurt nearly as much as I remember from the first time.  Also I took heavy duty Ibuprophen in the car on the way to the shop, which could have made a difference too.

She packs a little bit of paper towel under the bar against where those two empty pierced holes are seeping blood and then I pay and am on my way.  I’m achey, but surprisingly as the hours tick by my ear gets better and better, it’s not an unbearable pain like I remember from the first Industrial.  And my ear gets less and less red a lot faster than the first time too.

So I think my first Industrial was pierced at a slightly wrong angle and that it put pressure on my ear that caused the bump and also made it not heal.  Because even though it sucked today getting pierced four times, the aftermath is a lot easier to deal with than what I remembered.  And hopefully this heals well and I don’t get any weird bumps or anything. 

She told me they recommend using unscented soap to clean piercings, and nothing else.  No saline, no salt water soaks.  Just Dove once a day when I shower.  So that seems easy enough.  Also I can’t sleep on it the first while, which will be hard but not impossible.  I’ve read some people say they use travel pillows to sleep on, I am going to go buy one tomorrow.  I’ve only slightly bumped it a couple of times now, actually I didn’t even catch it when I took my shirt off, which is good.  It’s got a little dried blood on it right now, but that’s okay.  She had to use their super stainy marker on me to mark the placement, so I still have a little purple line on my ear.  But hopefully it gets washed off tomorrow morning. 

So yay! 😀  The only thing that would make it perfect is if it had spikey ends!  I am gonna wait a while and then go to another store and see if they have any.  The round balls are probably good for the initial healing though!

I did it!  I finished all five scheduled shifts!  I even got my cashout PERFECT today!  I didn’t end up with even a dollar more or less than what was recorded on the till tape!  I’m so glad it is over and I have my freedom again!  But I am also glad that I gave myself a little work challenge and I did it and I didn’t drop any shifts or get sick or anything!  I stuck to what I had scheduled and I did my job as well as I could considering it was the first time I had ever used a register or been a cashier!  I did have cash handling experience from other jobs, but those were really laid back kinds of experiences, not a constant flow of people making transactions.  And I even used a debit machine!

I’m exhausted.  I’m relieved it’s done.  Tomorrow I am going to do something fun like bake muffins or something.  I get paid this week and then I have to carefully decide how I am going to use it.  I think I will get my Industrial, because I really really want it.  It will hurt and make me unhappy but it will also look so sexy that it will be worth it.

I can hear Hermione having breathing troubles.  The dogs do this thing where they have like, an asthma attack.  Hermione usually gets one at the beginning of her walk, because she is so excited.  It’s weird.

What else? I’m tired.  I should probably just go to sleep.  Dora the corgi has settled down for the night and isn’t chewing on me with her needle puppy teeth.  Yay!  She attacks me every night at bedtime.  Mom asked how I put her to bed, it’s really just being patient and exhausting her until she turns into a cutie again and sleeps.  Aw!  She’s adorable.

Ok!  Good night!

So I went in the hot tub tonight.  I’m a week shy of a full month with my piercing though, hope nothing funky happens.

I have my second last shift tomorrow at the Jazzfest, and then my very last one on Sunday.  So I’m looking forward to it.  I am gonna miss my sister’s birthday, but that is okay.  She will have Mom to spend time with.

I guess I should give an update on the piercing anyway, since my cousin inquired about it’s healing and since I did have a reason for getting it.  I got my hood pierced because in the past when I have had it pierced it made me more sensitive to stimuli.  And anyway, I have had a hard time reaching orgasm for the past year and it’s been pissing me off.  So I have been getting off recently and I must say it is working excellently!  I am having better and easier orgasms and actually getting over the edge again and it’s really sweet.  I’m looking forward to having sex with a partner again someday.

This is the first summer in a few years that I haven’t gone to Berlin.  I sort of miss it.  I really do love Berlin.  Tonight we were talking about our ongoing dream of winning the lottery, and I said if I did win I would go to Australia and New Zealand this winter.  It would be sweet.  I should get out of just going to Europe, there are other places to go. 

I did some research (I emailed a couple of people) and found out I can rent the event space with the green screen and some lights for a day from PAVED Arts for sixty bucks!  I also found a friend who can operate the camera for dinner and a couple of drinks! 🙂  So I roughly estimate it being about 85 bucks in total to make my next video.  Thank god I have an editing program and camera!  And tripod.  And microphone!  I guess I will also need a mic stand, that won’t be much money.

Thank goodness for artist run production centres!

I’m still feeling hopelessly single, but I am distracting myself and that has been really good.  Working this week helped a lot, it got me out of my head and put me in a different mindset.  I have to do a lot of addition and subtraction in my head as a cashier, so that’s been good too.  It’s pretty basic, everything comes out to an even number except for the odd elevens.  I’ve been pretty accurate on cashout too, except once.

Anyway, I have done three shifts and have two left, and the woman who hired me thanked me for being a solid worker in my shifts and not getting sick or dropping shifts or whatever.  That was nice, especially since when I was addicted and using way back when I was a shitty worker because I would rather get drunk/high than work, and it made for a lot of absenteeism unfortunately.  No more!  I would have to be pretty sick to not work now, especially since this is only five shifts and then it’s over.  Making money is pretty important to me.

There is a job I am thinking of applying for, it’s in theatre and I would be mentored in directing.  I’m really considering it.  It’s for nearly the length of a school year too, and it would be nice to get some experience working with actors.  Anyway, yeah, the application isn’t due until August 2nd so I have some time to think and get my shit together.  It would start in September. 

I have been really wanting to get into doing some television writing.  I went to McNally Robinson today and looked in the screenwriting section, I was hoping to find a nice thick bible of rules for writing in a television format.  Like “after four pages leave a moment for the commercials” or something.  But I couldn’t find anything.  In fact, the screenwriting section was so small, not even a whole shelf.  I want to write a couple of television series pilots and see if I can get them produced.  I have a couple of people in mind to approach to talk about being my producer, maybe next month I will set up some coffee dates to pitch my ideas to them and see if they have any ideas of what I could do or if they know someone else who could help me.  I used to be really snotty and all “I’m only gonna make feature films and television is garbage!” but I have realized that isn’t true and that in fact there is a whole different way of telling a story in television that might be more advantageous for at least a couple of my plot ideas. 

So I’m going to try and get some money to write a couple of pilots and also apply for grants to make my more arty stuff and possibly also be mentored in directing so that I can direct a few of the episodes of my hit series!  And also go write and direct some features.

I think I will be busy when I am in my forties and fifties.  I don’t know if I will make any tv or features in my thirties.  But who knows?

What else?  I think that is all for now.

Dora’s going under and out of the couch over and over.  She has to squish herself down really low to do it.  She doesn’t have much longer that she will be able to squeeze under.

I am doing good, generally.  I am looking around on POF again, which seems to have more promise than OKC.  I am supposed to go on a walk with our dogs with this girl from POF.  I have to figure out when I will be free.  I might have to tell her to wait until next week. 

I have been hanging out with Mum a bunch.  I also did two shifts at the Jazzfest and it was awesome and also exhausting and I was offered another shift yesterday but I realized I can’t work a whole bunch of days in a row without burning out, so I declined.  Too bad, it’s more money.  Hmmm.

I bought myself some new sheets today.  They are 450 thread count! 😀  They’re a light colour, I’m taking a big risk because I am a heavy bleeder during my periods because of fibroids.  I’m gonna switch to my black sheets when it’s that time though.  We will see!  I’m also planning on buying a new Duvet cover.  There are Pantone Duvet covers at Home Outfitters and I really really want one. 

I am helping an old friend move classrooms on Friday, she is transferring from one school to another and she’s renting a truck and everything.  I asked for a banana split as payment, and ever since then every time I ask Mum for a banana split she tells me I have to wait until Friday, even if I use my own money! :O

I slept super late today, I was just exhausted!  I finally woke up around 1.  That’s LATE!  Oh well.  Mom was telling me I have to get up early and reset my internal clock by seeing the light.  That’s probably true.  I’m just lucky my meds let me get some sleep, some people with mental illnesses have the worst time sleeping.  I used to have bad sleep habits before I got properly medicated, I would sleep all day and be awake all night.  It was gross.  You miss so much because there’s nothing to do between 12am and 10am, really. 

Little Mister is spry as ever.  The other day he and Hermione were playing like silly puppies, they were super cute!

What else?  Ah I am tired of feeling like a loser.  There’s someone in my family who thinks people who don’t have permanent full time jobs are lazy and losers and she resents them because she works SO HARD (even though she keeps getting fired for calling in “sick” to work when she is hungover because she has addiction issues) and it just pisses me off.  And now that I am working five shifts she is surprised because she wrote me off like her sister as a lazy sod.  ARG!  FUCK YOU!  I hate that shit.  I don’t know why people think having a full time permanent job is the be all and end all of life.  There are other ways of living and getting by.  I don’t want to look back on my life and be like “Yeah, I did call centre work for twenty five years and here is my retirement package and I missed out on having an art career but at least I went to work every monday morning.” Fuck that!  I would rather look back on my life and see all the things I made that influenced people and the world.  Not fucking calling people for their dumb opinions on a toilet cleaner!

Some people are just shitheads.  If you want to waste your life working for the man be my guest!  I’d rather figure out a way to survive AND make important art AND travel to places for arty reasons, meeting interesting people and sometimes getting laid overseas.  I dunno, that is just me.  I just think people do things for ALL SORTS of reasons and I’m kind of sick of this one relative’s attitude and also how she invited me out then expects me to pay for her.  It’s an ongoing issue. 

People who don’t respect that people with serious disabilities have limitations and are working within them make me sick.  I want to puke all over their judgemental little faces and shit on their beds.  But that’s just me.  Seriously though, I’ve been running into people who bitch about me not working a full time job and they have no idea of ANYTHING about my life and why that would be the way it is.  Also being a full time artist is a lot of work, and it’s an often thankless job that doesn’t pay much.  I maybe make 3000 off my art in a good year.  So of course I need to rely on disability, and thank god it’s there!  Anyway, I am tired of justifying my existence in this blog entry so I am gonna hit publish and go to bed, and masturbate! 

Aw shit, that reminds me my vibrator ran out of electricity and I have to recharge it.  Crappy!

So I missed the bipolar group last night because I didn’t feel like going when it was time.  I went with my friend Amy Jo to Michaels and then to Chilis for nachos and an apple tart and I was SO FULL I felt like I was gonna explode when we went to Walmart looking for a staple gun and balloons.  And after all that I just hopped on the bus home. 

Dora has gotten a bad habit of nipping toes and fingers, and grabbing pant legs with her little teeth and hanging on!  We have to nip it in the bud!  I don’t know how, I should do more research, I forgot how unruly puppies are!  They have such bad boundaries!  And I don’t know how to discipline her in a loving way.  She has no clue what NO means!  Arg!  I gotta read, and fast!

She’s sleeping right now.  She is the most innocent when she sleeps, I guess everyone is though. 

My cousin told me she ran into an ex of mine the other day.  It was kind of a funny conversation, I asked what she was wearing and my cuz said “Black.”  And I was like “Well duh!  I don’t know why I even asked!”  But seriously, whatever, it’s none of my business.  She recently told me she would NEVER love me.

Never is a very long time, especially since last time the L word came up between us she said she would ALWAYS love me.  I guess feelings change.  But still, it smarts!  Oh lordy does it ever smart!

What a waste of time.  I hate unrequited shit.  It fucking sucks and I am always putting myself in that situation and feeling like a doorknob at the end of it.  Not like a doorknob as in everybody has a turn, because actually I haven’t been with many people, more like a doorknob as in as dumb as a doorknob.  And the thing is all my friends always see what is happening way before me and they throw out these warnings and I always disregard them because someone is super cute and how could they NOT love me?  I am super loveable like peach pie!  But some people hate peach pie.  So it really doesn’t matter.

And also I have behaved badly in the past with romantic interests, and it makes me feel really guilty and it sours everything everytime and AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  And sometimes I behave badly and I don’t even realize it until it is way too late.  Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

But then other times I am a super sweet girlfriend!  I guess it’s complicated.  I’ve been single for a super long time.  Almost as long as I have lived in Saskatoon.  There’s one ex I sometimes go snooping around for, she is more of an ex lover than an ex girlfriend, her name is Annie Wood and I can never find her because she has such a common name.  And also she could be an Anne or Ann or Anna by now.  And also she was going to go on a cruise ship as a masseuse and who knows where she is now.  She lived in Saskatoon for a while, I wasn’t even living here when we were goofing around.  I would visit my Mom and then we would have these dates.  She was super sweet, in a lot of ways she reminded me of my first girlfriend Ivana who I was with for the longest of anyone and who broke my heart SUPER hard!  Oh man, that was a brutal heartbreak, I was devastated for a whole year, about as long as we dated. 

Anyway, I don’t know where Annie is.

When I was in high school one of the first lesbian books I read was called Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, and it was romantic and tragic all at once, like any queer teen lit.  Anyway, I guess Annie has been on my mind for a while.  But maybe that’s just that thing about wanting the familiar.

The last time I slept with someone for the first time I was super drunk also.  I wonder if something like that could happen again now that I am sober?  It seems dubious.  I remember my memory was sketchy but all of a sudden I was making out with this total babe.  And it’s kind of bothered me ever since wondering who made the first move?  I don’t really care who did it, I just wonder, ya know?

Okay, enough with mammary lane.

I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, which makes me think I should go sleep.  I have to stand in line and get my treaty money.  I have to go to group.  And then I may or may not have a shift at the Jazzfest being a cashier.  We shall see! 

I wonder if anyone thinks of me in a fond way?  It seems dubious sometimes.  Margaret likes to tell me all my exes loved me, but I don’t know if I believe it.

I got captive bead rings back in my earlobes and it makes me happy!  I was worried those holes would be totally closed, but they weren’t!  I am thinking of getting an Industrial soon too, because I really liked when I had one because they are so damned sexy!  They hurt like hell, and they don’t heal for ages, but I think I would like having one again.

I had a good time at Concurrent Disorders.  There was some good sharing.  I didn’t speak, but it was still nice to be there.

I had a weird dream last night, I dreamt I was telling someone “I need to drink or smoke or do drugs or SOMETHING!”  I discussed it and ended up smoking cigarettes because I thought it was the lesser evil, and fucking some dude.  Kind of a bizarre dream.  Things I wouldn’t do in the awake world.  I’d like to have a dream about having sex with a woman, it might be more fun.  Although I must say there’s this taboo aspect about romping with men that makes me more inclined to dream about it.  Anyway, I felt much more guilty about smoking when I woke up, I had that moment in between sleep and awake when it still felt real and I had regrets! 

It will be a year and a month without booze, and seventeen months without marijuana in three days and a bit.  Pretty exciting!  I’m happy I am still chugging along.

And on July 2nd it will be seven months without tobacco! 😀

I’m tired.  Tomorrow is Pride!  Going to go to the Parade, I don’t know how to bless my MEC black raincoat with the rainbow but I will try to think of something.  I should have bought a rainbowy umbrella. 

I wonder why I am having so many using dreams?  It’s weird.

I have training on Sunday for this cashier gig I have at the Jazzfest this year.  I don’t know where it will be though, I should find out!

I’m going to get an estimate for a tattoo I want too.  I think I might save it for when I get my next artist fee.  Ah shit that reminds me I have to get a contract back to my distributor!  I’m losing five percent of my payment so that they can stay afloat.  It’s okay, it’s still better than what galleries charge artists for selling their work.  Galleries pay artists fifty percent and take fifty percent.  I think that’s a little unfair.  My distributor is just taking 25 percent.  So I still get a nice cut, which is really good considering how much work and money goes into distributing videos.

I’m feeling a little bummed out about this series of rejections I’ve been getting.  It’s only two rejections in the past year, but considering how much I liked, possibly even loved, these two women, it’s kind of a kick in the teeth!  I hate to think about why I am getting rejected.  I really don’t think anything I could do would change how they feel about me.  I already got sober and that wasn’t enough.  It must be my personality.  Which is so depressing to think about! Ugh.  And one of them still has me on restricted profile, and she rejected me last July so it’s been a really really long time without talking to her or anything.  Such a bummer!  It would be nice if we could even be friends, at least the most recent woman to reject me is still open to being friends.  That’s something. 

I dunno, I have to just move along really, I just hate that this city is so small and there are so few possibilities. 

At least happy things still happen from time to time.  For instance, my friend’s snake just laid eggs.  They are duds, but still, snake eggs, that’s kind of happy!  They didn’t even know she was a girl snake!